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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Anyone ever had an affair and managed to keep it secret?

381 replies

parkranger · 20/04/2010 12:43

well have you and do you regret it now?

OP posts:
ClickNegg · 20/04/2010 15:57

they always say that about liking her.
pity he doesnt eh?

AnyFucker · 20/04/2010 15:57

gals ?

what the hell are you talking about ?

what is this .. Showboat ????

ClickNegg · 20/04/2010 15:58

oh grow up you angry lot {grin]
its a given its bad
the people KNOW its bad
we are just talking

akhems · 20/04/2010 15:58

so ttl, you're on ads, working as a counsellor, having an affair and stuck in a lousy marriage? busy girl

perhaps you should find a new job cos I can't see that you're best placed to be much support to anyone and maybe you'd be able to sort your life out and get off the ads if you stopped shagging around. bit fucked up really aren't you?

AnyFucker · 20/04/2010 16:00

oh shut up, click...you piled in too, remember ?

AnyFucker · 20/04/2010 16:01

who do you think you are, scottishmummy ?

ClickNegg · 20/04/2010 16:01

i was angry when I was affected.( not my h or owt!) But it is an interesting subject.
How people start on them, how they think it will ever help etcetc

ClickNegg · 20/04/2010 16:02

yes fairy nuff

but it is interesting to me to talk about it to people from the other side.

higgle · 20/04/2010 16:02

Ah, Karmann, back again - why do you read these threads when you know you will be upset?

I would like some balance on Mumsnet. We hear plenty from those who post incessantly on the evils of affairs, if someone has had a "happy affair" I am interested in hearing about it. I'm just interested to get a full picture of how people live their lives and don't want to be part of a virtual community of moralising fishwives.

This is just like one of those threads where someone quite well off posts about expensive handbags or school fees and everyone on benefits piles in and tuts about how much money they have and how they shouldn't go on about it.

My dog died recently, so I keep off "Pets" there is no need for everyone else on mumsnet to pander to the sensitivities of those whose partners have strayed.

There was an article in The Times some time ago that age is a factor - although 25% of us have affairs at some point only 36% of the over 50's think it is a reason to split up as opposed to 50% of younger people, and twice as many of them were forgiving - experience that comes with maturity or just growing up in the permissive society?

I sort of believe that there are quite a few people out there who don't have ill advised passion filled flings with unsuitable partners such as colleagues. I supect they meet people who are not connected with their spouses and manage a beneficial connection with sense and good humour, knowing when to draw it to an end.

Perhaps I'm wrong, but I'm interested to know. So don't be afraid if you have had an affair and it was the best thing that happened to you and if you kept it secret - your views are valid too.

ImTheOtherWoman · 20/04/2010 16:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

scoutliam · 20/04/2010 16:05

Akhems, nice post, feel good about yourself now?

ShadeofViolet · 20/04/2010 16:05

If all of you are so proud of your affairs, why namechange?

I see the OP has buggered off!

akhems · 20/04/2010 16:07

higgle, don't you think someone's life being shattered and left in pieces is a bit different than losing a pet?

seriously, there are several people on this thread who need a good fucking slap and a dose of genital warts and anal crabs - that would sort you out nicely

last part was not directed at higgle btw

AnyFucker · 20/04/2010 16:07

gosh, I must remember to tell DH that our marriage is due for an affair

it has been a tad humdrum lately, what with kids, and work, the fucking volcanic ash and other such RL stresses and strains....

I think we are overdue that very useful realisation, tbh

Any of you ladies offering your services ?

QuinnFabray · 20/04/2010 16:07

Not proud, just not regretful. I namechanged because it's a secret, and I would like it to remain so.

akhems · 20/04/2010 16:08

I feel fine thanks scoutliam, apart from being astonished at the attitude and behaviour of some of these posters and as shadeofviolet says, why the namechanges if they feel justified in their actions?

Lizzylou · 20/04/2010 16:08

My parents split due to their adultery and I knew my Mother was having an affair when I was 7 yrs old. More people will know than you think, no matter how "secret" you think it is.

So for me to even consider an affair (not likely as very happy at the moment), I'd be thinking of sitting my children down and explaining that their family as they knew it was crashing down because I couldn't keep my knickers on. I think that it would have to be a Greek God or Daniel Craig to get around that visual to be honest.

I do know people who have had affairs and kept them secret, all before children though. Two of my best friends are now extremely happy with their 2nd husbands and the 1st husbands had no idea of the adultery at the time.

Never say never, and judge lest ye be judged n all that but personally, with DC involved the thrills wouldn't outweigh the potential damage.

ChickensHaveSinisterMotives · 20/04/2010 16:08

The justifications for betrayal are staggering

zazen · 20/04/2010 16:09

I think there are a lot of judgmental opinions on this thread - and castigations for some potential disaster in the future is a bit spurious.
We can't make assumptions about anyone's marriage, or how they will handle the exposure / if any / of any affair they have.

Remember, before you get your big guns blazing away, that quite possibly not everyone on this thread took CofE 'Vows' when getting married, and not all posters are within cultures where monogamy is the norm. It's a global forum.

My vote is for to leave these posters to their thread, shall we, and post the outraged angry vitriol somewhere else? It's not helping them is it?

After all we didn't start a thread about people who have affairs and how horrible they are, now did we?

No, the OP started this thread to get some support, and I think we should leave off the nastiness, and let her get the support she needs here on this Mumsnet, yes, Mumsnet thread.

It is good to talk, I think. Sometimes better to listen. And sometimes best to butt out.

Sassybeast · 20/04/2010 16:10

Anyfucker - would the affair be with you ir your husband ? Or are you not really that fussy ? I haven't had an MOT from the clap clinic recently but I don't suppose it matters ?

said · 20/04/2010 16:11

"There was an article in The Times some time ago that age is a factor - although 25% of us have affairs at some point only 36% of the over 50's think it is a reason to split up as opposed to 50% of younger people, and twice as many of them were forgiving - experience that comes with maturity or just growing up in the permissive society?" - Surely that's because younger people feel they still have a chance to meet someone else. Less so as you get older.

I think it's an interesting subject

ShadeofViolet · 20/04/2010 16:11

Well said LizzyLou

tartyhighheels · 20/04/2010 16:12

'there's that level of trust you have together.'

Bluerghh - trust is one word for it dishonesty is another

'yes it reinvigorated their marriage'

so pleased, makes it all ok then - really it is like relate then - or rather he just realised he could have his cake and eat it and probably still does with someone else

'if he was happy he wouldn't stray'

well how good of you to help him through his unhapiness - i am sure fucking someone else he didn't have to deal with in a real everyday way did make him happier....

How little respect do you women have for yourselves??

AnyFucker · 20/04/2010 16:13

Well, either really, Sassybeast

Which do you fancy...or shall I say...which would be more exciting for you but cause the maximum of hurt and fallout for my children ?

These things have to be considered don't they ?

LadyintheRadiator · 20/04/2010 16:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.