Anyone ever had an affair and managed to keep it secret?

[parkranger]

well have you and do you regret it now?

SofH - couldn't have said it better.
MN and threads on affairs and reading the devastation that they have caused to so many has really helped me come to terms with my own situation, made me realise that I was not to blame, nor could I have done anything about it, out of my control. They have given me tips and advice on the way forward and how to deal with all the shit that comes your way.
Now I am in a place where I do look forward but I know that I have lost something that was once so special and my dc have a damaged relationship with their father.

'it astounds me that certain people are taking such obvious pleasure at slagging off other women'

It astounds me that certain people are taking such obvious pleasure at fucking other peoples husbands and deceiving their own family

Indeed, tarty.

I agree with SoH too - very good post

There's loads of affairs and adultery on mumsnet at the moment, isn't there? Its like we have themes on here or summat.

Still I suppose it makes a change from bumsex.

"I'd still love him and I'd wait for him to come to his senses. "

How naive.

Parkranger is your om married?

Just to add, I do not blame ow for the affair, I blame them equally. I just get sick of hearing how they became close and that was it, knickers off, pants down.
Oh and the times I've heard how they didn't want to hurt anyone.
I lived a lie for three bloody years, lived in a hellish world of suspicion, self doubt, even the dc thought i was going mad, one even asked if I was menopausal, they couldn't understand the change in my personality caused by the pain of not knowing, I just had no proof.
So I think I am entitled to slag off women who get involved in these things, having experienced the havoc they cause.

whooooooooah Tarty!!!!!

steady missy - who said obvious pleasure???? LOL I don't believe I did!!!!!

Wind your neck back in please

I usually lurk about Mumsnet and rarely post but I felt compelled to on this one.

My father had several affairs, some of which my mother knew about but she loved him and waited for him to "come to his senses". He eventually left her for another woman. She never got over it and drank heavily to deal with the pain.

My mother died as a result of the drink when I was teenager. I haven't seen my father since her funeral.

If I ever met the OW I wouldn't hesitate to let her know that she destroyed my childhood and left me without parents.

So think about that next time you try to justify your affair to yourself.

"who said obvious pleasure?" ER, you did, when you said you can't believe people are taking such obvious pleasure at slagging off other women. Tarty simply turned your statement around to refer, in general, to the women who clearly enjoy shagging other people's husbands/cheat on their partners.

I had an affair with a married man when I was 20. went on for about 18 months. I was a pretty sassy girl back then, confident, enjoying life etc and of course with hindsight had no need of a married man(or any other kind come to that). was naive enough to fall for him and I did believe he loved me at the time oh hoho. I took the view that HE was in the wrong(ah of course) much more than I,(if I ever thought about it at all) and being young I think made me say "b*llocks to it all" etc.

over 20 years later and I can say it taught me a lot about life, about how I should be taking care of other people's feelings, not stomping all over folk just because you feel lust or you think it's love. I thought I was in control back then, I clearly wasn't. I was selfish and stupid, and some might say young.

At the risk of sounding like a reformed smoker, I think that any "grown" woman -or man of course, who embarks on an affair when they are with someone/have children/ other party is the same, are just self indulgent I'm afraid. Whatever way you look at it it's grossly damaging. And I'm certainly no puritan...

I have to now go away and laugh at myself for using the phrase "self indulgent"-my Mother's favourite phrase to describe me as a teenager. Sigh...it comes to us all.

"I think I'm reasonably well balanced and if my DH decided to put it about a bit as a mid life crisis I'd be cutting my nose off to spite my face if I chucked him out. I'd still love him and I'd wait for him to come to his senses."

What a crass and insensitive thing to say. Because that's not a comment on an affair, that's a comment on women and men who cannot live with being betrayed and humiliated. It's belittling and quite disgusting to make such sweeping generalisations about people who have been irrevocably hurt.

I make no sweeping generalisations about what causes affairs or the people that have them. I wouldn't presume to be so reductive. I do, however, find it unpalatable that you can so blatantly and cruelly dismiss the feelings of other posters who have been so hurt by affairs.

FWIW, and not that it matters a jot I have neither cheated nor been cheated on.

Have some tact. Or CAT each other and support each other as you see fit. I can hide this, yes I can, but it doesn't make it disappear and it doesn't do anything to change the fact that for some people you have reinforced the casual, selfish and thoughtless mindset of somebody who cheats. It is done. It can be hidden so as not to further offend, but that doesn't absolve you of the responsibility to think about what you're saying before you say it.

The title of this thread clearly gave it away what its about so those who disaprove shouldnt have even lookd at it. Ive not had an affair and dont think i would and not saying i agree with it but surely negative thoughts about affairs and those who have them should be a separate thread and this one should be left for those who have had affairs that have remained secret as thats what it is about and thats why its here for those people to share their experiences.

Funky - sorry about your experience must be very hard for you.
This is what I mean about the fallout that affairs cause, and how could any woman want to inflict pain on anothers children.
My dc are very upset about what has happened, they still see their dad and I am happy for them to do that as he is great with them. But they resolutely refuse to meet OW, even saying they would punch her if they ever did.
OW says that she would hope they liked her!!!
How stupid and naive can a person be? They will always blame her as they love their dad.

my father had numerous affairs and physically and emotionally abused my mum and I - he and mum split when I was 19.

I then married too young and my husband left me devastated when I was 28 for my friend

I married again in haste and have been locked in a very controlling relationship for 17 years - sometimes I wonder just who the hell I am.

I am not making excuses - I am not gloating - neither am I a tart or a gold digger - I am largely alone in life with my children - I have a medical condition which results in discrimination and suspicion. The man I have been seeing is a weak individual who refuses to face up to the fact that he is cheating on his wife - has me, by my own admission, on an emotional lead - and I am scared to let go.

I am deeply unhappy and I take no joy nor pleasure in the relationships I have. My dream of life would be to cut loose from the emotionally abusive marriage - which is not physically active - and to be with the man I love. However, head says that will never happen.

And what does your head and heart say about the man's wife/family?

My comment, Showof Hands, and I have not had an affair either, I'm just saying I love my DH and it would take a lot more than an affair on his part to stop me loving him and wanting to be with him.

Can't help but think if women over react that probably puts an end to them ever recovering the thing they want the most. I do think it is true that the older you get the less significant this sort of thing becomes.

And yet neither of your previous bad experiences (either your Dad or your first husband) has taught you anything TTL.

You are hopelessly naive, Higgle.

Higgle - I am in my mid 40's, I do not relish the thought of beginning again, I love my ex dearly, always will, and want to be with him, but I know that I couldn't take him back nor have stayed with him, even if he didn't chose to live with OW.
I don't think maturity has anything to do with it, nor do other life experiences, my parents are both dead and I have friends with cancer etc.
I couldn't trust him again and wouldn't risk my sanity.

SoupDragon - I assume you meant me??

Honest reply - I feel deeply ashamed when I think of her - that she is being decieved in such a way and that I am an absolute b*tch. He is to blame for continuing the deceit and I am for encouraging it. Sometimes I wish that she knew - not to force the issue but to show her what her husband is like.

A quick shag or a one night stand I might be able to forgive my husband for if I truly loved him.

But an afair suggests some kind of emotional connection, and I think that would be too much to forgive.

ShadeofViolet - it appears not. I have become the woman I despised in previous years.

F**k knows why I am in this position. I need a damn good kick I think