Anyone ever had an affair and managed to keep it secret?

[parkranger]

well have you and do you regret it now?

hf - clue to his identity?

Had an affair? Yes. for ten years
kept it secret ? Yes. Not that hard. Both participants careful and clever

Was it life enhancing ? Very much so

Regret? No

Would I do it again? No

Am I boasting/gloating? Absolutley not (in case of confusion)

parkranger this may be of interest

tvexplorer.wordpress.com/

thought provoking.

No insults or name calling gets through

there was an article in the sunday mail mag about bullying etc on mumsnet. the op posted a comment rightly or wrongly, about affairs. some of the comments she has had back are absolutly disgusting, there is having your say and there is being down right nasty. NOBODY knows the full details of someones life and you people sitting there slagging us all off should really think about some of the things you have said.
mumsnet used to be ok but now its just about who can say the most vicious things, whatever the issue.

Sunday Mail.....aha!

This is a forum not a counselling website - yes plenty of views and good advice - yes plenty of chance to receive criticism and hear from another point of view?

Bullying? Well there have been points and retaliations on both sides - my question would be why did the OP post in the first place? For some validation for what she is doing? Surely not that naive to think no one else would judge her based on their point of view?
It's what I like about mumsnet - but then I am a very reflective person and like hearing different sides,no one is 'perfect' and we all have buttons that can be pressed.

You can only comment based on what's posted - no one is a mind reader here and to be fair the op has pointed out that some of her posts were probably out of order.If she was attention seeking and after a reaction then she got it. It did not seem she was after any support from what she posted merely I'm doing this so what?

i just opened my mouth and everything that LA said above fell out...!

Ihave hid an on and off affair for seven years. Not proud of it but as you say sometimes things just happen. We would both try and notget intouch but aslways did. Funny thing is now we are both recently split from partnesr and now he says he doesn't wantus any more. Says he still loves me and i am his one but it woudl make life too hard ! men hay - he waited for seven years then just ends it. I keep thinking he will eventually get i touch agai like before but im not sure he will.

Keep smiling

No Everton, these things don't "just happen". You and he chose it to happen.

I will say it again. Accusing posters of bullying behaviour is absurd on this thread. If any of Parkranger's defenders care to review threads on Mumsnet where women have discussed their infidelity, you will see that just like in RL, there is a range of reactions.

There are those who say "me too" and display empathy. There are those who say "that's disgusting" (normally because they are raw from the pain of the very behaviour under discussion, or because of their religious or moral views), those who ask difficult and challenging questions - and then there's a curious bunch of posters who are sympathetic, want to know all the details and turn up on every infidelity confession thread to support the OP, while claiming that they aren't unfaithful themselves and are in good relationships .

It's an internet forum that is reflective of society and the diversity of opinion within it. People will not "ignore threads" on an open forum, if they've got strong views, or if they think a poster could be helped by a challenge.

Actually you know, it really doesn't help betrayers to get lots of soothing noises and a whole bunch of platitudes about how "these things happen", "there but for the grace of god" and "it could happen to anyone of us..." as if this were an external event like an earthquake that human beings have no control over and no choice or responsibility for.

It depends what you want from Mumsnet though. If you want support from people and advice about stopping a destructive behaviour, you'll get a lot of help. If you want to carry on with the behaviour, gloat about it, act like a spoilt child and compare an internet forum with a vicious, murderous regime, then you'll get a pretty strong reaction.

Not everyone gets madly incensed about infidelity. For instance, I would rather my partner was unfaitful than other things - in fact, I think I would prefer him to be unfaitful than, for instance, self-righteous. I don't see infidelity as the crime of a lifetime. However, I do understand completely all the arguments against it. I have been at the receiving end of it, in previous relationships, so I know what it is like. But I think as you get older you tend to have a slightly different view of things. Realistically, "til death us do part" cannot work in every marriage and some people just don't want to go through with a divorce, for a host of reasons.

Wow! someone who shares my views. Strawberrymarks I also think that one's views on this mellow a bit as you get older. Maybe you realise that the "attachment" element of a relationship is more important than the sexual/romance bit and feel more tolerant when you sense that come what may you will always be together.

Adultery in young couples where there are dependent children and enormous financial problems if they split seems to be far more traumatic to me. I can understand the wives in this situation finding it more distressing.

At the end of the day I think that a sexually orientated fling with another woman might be less harmful than some awful time consuming hobby like climbing to a mature relationship.

Higgle, your POV truly astounds me, I can't get my head around that way of thinking at all. My views have got stronger with age if anything.
If, after 28 years together ( of complete fidelity on both sides) my DH thought that a sexual fling was not a harmful thing, in all honesty I would leave him, he belongs to me and only me, and vice versa - I could stand by him for virtually any other reason but not that , it's the one thing I would never tolerate - the sexual/romance bit is every bit as important to me as the lifelong friendship. If he ever touched another woman, something very special would have been ruined and I could never forgive him for choosing "meaningless" sex above my feelngs.

Also , why are time consuming hobbies "awful"? You can join in or spectate a hobby, I highly doubt a woman would want to join in with her husband's infidelity!
An affair takes something away from a relationship - hobbies are generally a good thing as long as their is balance.

question for OW/OM ... why would you want to be with , have sex with someone who is a proven liar ?.The fact they are lying to their spouses whom they have been with for a number of years ,goes to show how trustworthy they really are....And if they are lying to their partner/spouse , do you really think they will be honest with you?.
Have more respect for yourself.

If you dont love your H or W , do the decent thing and just leave. let them go without causing them extra pain of being cheated on. you have no idea how bad it feels to know the person you love , has prefered to have sex with someone else, perhaps finds them more attractive, wants them instead of you. its just cruel.
if someone leaves because they just fell out of love , then its sad but bearable.

If this ever happens to you Strawberry and Higgle in your current relationships, I hope you'll remember that you once thought that a climbing hobby or being self-righteous were far worse than being given a STI, being gaslighted for months or years so that you thought you were going mad, or any of the affair-related behaviours that many women on here have been victim to.

drloves8 people don't leave because there is more to a marriage than whether you are still in love

blimey at higgle

If you are quite a practical person you can see that, in long term relationships, people can get a little - bored. Presumably that is why some people get into swinging (now that really gives me the creeps) or into affairs, or get divorced. But divorce is quite a hassle and there is no guarantee that things will be better afterwards. In fact, there are quite a few people who have found that, even though they wanted a divorce, they are actually even more unhappy afterwards.

I am not sure it is sensible to have your identity so closely bound with your partner that an act of infidelity would "destroy my life" or whatever.

WhenwillI - it sounds as though your partner was not only unfaithful but also horrible in other ways, by making you feel mad, doubt yourself etc. Being selfish and horrible would be a deal breaker for me. But I could understand discreet infidelity - I am not necessarily saying I would forgive it, but I can see why people do it.

strawberry marks No, you're wide of the mark.

My H did deny and was distant and irritable, but no none of those behaviours thank goodness. However, those behaviours have been suffered by other people reading this thread - and the analogies that you and Higgle used are terribly insensitive.

Unless someone is a complete compartmentaliser, what you have both perhaps under-estimated is that affairs don't happen in a vacuum - there is other distressing behaviour going on as well. And really, you honestly don't know how you will react to this event until it happens to you in your current relationship. I completely under-estimated how this might feel.

I've also said on these boards frequently that when an affair is discovered in a long marriage, the betrayed partner would be wise to decide whether a few months of insanity is worth ending a happy marriage for, but of course only if the lessons are learned and the betraying spouse gets to the root of their behaviour. Fidelity is a big deal to both of us now - and we've been married nearly 26 years. Neither of us think it is no big deal, or tolerable.

Not everyone who has an affair gets an STI, or is 'gaslighted' or suffers other distressing behaviour whatever that may be. I agree with strawberrymarks that infidelity is not the crime of a lifetime etc

I'm probably going to be flamed here and therefore I have name changed but...

My dh turned 50 last year and I told him, in all honesty, that if he felt the 'need' to do something silly like have a sexual encounter with someone else, I would not mind. I just do not want to hear about. I also told him one night and one night only.

My dh is a highly sexual person..he's never kept that a secret. I trust him but I also recognise that being with the same person for a lifetime is not, in my opinion, 'normal' for all people.

If he was in a long-term emotional/sexual affair with someone else, then I'd kick his butt out. Maybe. I don't know until it's happened to me.

I myself am often 'tempted'. In fact, I know if I really wanted to, I could send one text to an old flame and I'd be in his bed within the hour. I admit that sometimes I do want to, but I don't want to betray my husband's trust. So betrayal is a choice with consequences.

growingupslowly

The difference is that you have discussed it and said you are ok with it. If your husband does something you have given permission for, that is not a betrayal.

We can all understand that some spouses don't mind if their spouse is not always faithful. in those circumstances the appropriate thing to do is to talk about it, like you did, and come to an agreement.

By contrast, the OP was talking about having an affair which they had not discussed with their spouse and which their spouse (the person they had promised to be faithful to) had not given their agreement to. A totally secret affair.

now that is a betrayal.

Growingup - so did your husband not okay it for you to also go and have a meaningless shag then?

I don't know if my husband would ever forgive me if I told him he was free to go and fuck someone else, (once or a thousand times makes no difference), he would be so insulted that I thought so little of him.
We have been together all our adult lives and total fidelity and trust is very normal to us both. What on earth does being a highly sexual person have to do with wanting to be unfaithful? I want lots of sex, but only with my husband, perhaps it's because I have never been "tempted".
If sex gets "boring", there are numerous ways of making it exciting again, infidelity is not one of them.

My DH will get a nice watch when he's 50, he won't be getting an invitation for a random act of infidelity! If he had sex with someone else he would be "tainted" in my eyes, I wouldn't want to ever touch him again. He has to be all mine or not at all.
If he didn't think I was worth that, he wouldn't still be here with me after 28 years.

Blimey Malificence do you ever stop going on about your perfect marriage? When are you going to wake up to the fact that everyone is different, everyone's relationships are individual and not all like yours... thank gawd

Yes but sex seems to define your entire relationship Mal. It's not the same for everyone, usually there's a bit more to it.