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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

im shaking with anger just now and ive thrown dh out

436 replies

candyfluff · 10/04/2010 13:58

he has a long standing problem with gambling and so after many years of putting up with it last year i told him if he goes in there again i will kick him out - the day started fine we all went out to the town to do some shopping and take the kids to the park,we split up to get things done quicker and said i will meet you at the park - he's a no show so we leave the park and the first place i look for him is in the bookies and geuss what the bastard is doing - feeding the fucking fruit machine
i tell him to leave now and he comes out for a minute then goes straight back in and continues to gamble
i go back in after a ten or so mins and gives him back my wedding ring and told him he will be locked out when he gets home
ive just put his bag out of the door
dont really know why im posting this other than to vent - feel so let down

OP posts:

Original poster

candyfluff · 12/04/2010 14:56

thing is im feeling sorry for him - i know its stupid but he's my kids father and im thinking how would i like it if he kicked me out
this is just horrible
im swinging from being angry to feeling sorry for him
still cant think straight i need a list of things i have to do tomorrow
have been to the park and home now - big ds is off with his mates at the park ,dd is at a sleepover and so its just me a little ds -gonna bake some cakes soon.
dd asked me last night " should i still like daddy?" i said of course you can

OP posts:

onadietcokebreak · 12/04/2010 15:00

Please dont feel sorry for him.

Did he feel sorry for you as he went into the bookies the day you had to present your bankruptcy petition to the judge?

Did he feel really sorry as he tried to bribe you with a laptop last night.

He thinks you will weaken....and the more you keep feeling sorry for him you will.

Original poster

candyfluff · 12/04/2010 15:04

i know i told him not to call me anymore today and so far he hasnt
he said the place he stayed last night was awful - he slept on the floor at his cousins place where 10 people share.
i need to tell him that ive not changed my mind and that he needs to rehoused by the council(not sure if they will) and he needs to tell is work place whats going on.

OP posts:

ChickensHaveSinisterMotives · 12/04/2010 15:10

Stay strong, candy. Yes, it is awful, and yes, of course you feel sorry for him. However, this is his own doing. He's a grown up and needs to take responsibility for his own actions. You're actually doing him a favour.

onadietcokebreak · 12/04/2010 15:13

He chose not to have any money for somewhere to stay because he gambled it all.

The council wont be interested in rehousing him as he is not a priority need. He will be able to go onto the waiting list....but this isnt your problem. Its his alone. His actions made it impossible for you to carry on the relationship.

Do you work? If not make sure you claim I.S today/tomorrow and ask them to backdate it to date of seperation. (thats important)

Focus on the children and yourself. What are your hopes, dreams and aspirations? If you were with him can you envisage them still happening?

Original poster

candyfluff · 12/04/2010 15:46

oh my god the hospital in london just called me they are admitting him coz he tried to kill himself under a train

OP posts:

onadietcokebreak · 12/04/2010 15:49

Oh Candyfluff....he has serious issues. This may well be the help he needs.

humptyismarriedtoanumpty · 12/04/2010 15:51

bloody hell candyfluff. Please don't let a suicide attempt change your mind. OK so he might not have been in his right mind when he tried suicide but was he depressed before? And you know what, that's still not an excuse.

Sorry if anyone thinks I am being harsh, but am speaking from experience. I walked out on my dh and then got a phone call saying he had taken an overdose and was admitted to mental hospital for a week.

This is going to be incredibly hard for you candy, but you have to stay strong and realise that you are not responsible for his actions. If you decide to give things another try with him that's fine, but on your terms, not just because you feel sorry for him.

FWIW I did give another try and now 2 years later am glad I did because it turned out to be the wake up call he needed although it was hellish to deal with at the time.

Thinking of you...

GladioliBuckets · 12/04/2010 15:56

I agree. You can feel sorry for him but please don't do anything about it. By staying with him you are enabling his gambling problem.

Please just find out what's going on and then contact his relatives to deal with it. You cannot be his support through this, you will do more damage by trying to be.

JollyPirate · 12/04/2010 16:05

Candy - have been following this thread and can only echo what others have said. YOU are not responsible for HIS actions - only he can decide what he does and does not do. So - he is making the decision to make an attempt on his life and nobody does that for him or forces him into it.
Anyway - how do you survive throwing yourself under a train? Answer is you do NOT survive an attempt like that - if he was seen and stopped that is because he wanted to be seen and stopped. I am not saying he is not suicidal but people don't survive attempts to throw themselves under trains unless they want to be rescued.

Don't let this weaken your resolve - it might be the serious kick up the bum he needs to make the changes to his life that he MUST make if he is to survive.

YOU are important and so are your children. You can ensure that you and the children are safe and secure. Unfortunately the only person who can ensure your OH safety and security is himself. That's not to say you cannot be worried and concerned - you are only human and you sound lovely and caring. But look after YOU and the children and support him from a distance - even after this attempt.

BrokenBananaTantrum · 12/04/2010 16:39

Candy i just want to echo what others are saying - you are not responsible for him he is an adult and you have yourself and your DC's to look after.

Please make sure you stop and think before rushing into anything at the moment as you are bound to be very emotional and it is a bad time for you to be making any big decisions.

How are you atm?

LIZS · 12/04/2010 16:40

Was he not working today ? Harsh though it seems I'm with Jollypirate - how serious were his intentions or was he just hoping to get attention. What do the hospital expect you to do and had he asked them to contact you ? If you go , please take someone with you

Doha · 12/04/2010 16:53

Suicide bids are often a cry for help but your DP doesn't seem to think he has a gambling problem. This was more likely a half hearted attempt to guilt trip you into changing your mind.

For everybody's sake you must not do this.

He needs professional help which you can't give to over come his addiction

Your DC's need protected from both his addiction and his recent actions

You need to protect your own future and money by showing him that you won't back down or have him back until he acknowledges and seeks help.

I hope you have lots of support in RL at this time coz you will need it.

Please please don't fall into the guilt trap.

Original poster

candyfluff · 12/04/2010 17:09

im calling tax credits and child benefit
just feel now

OP posts:

BrokenBananaTantrum · 12/04/2010 17:39

you are right to feel he has behaved really badly. Keep your anger it will help you get through the next few days.

Fliight · 12/04/2010 17:48

this reminds me of those blokes who dangle their kids off hotel balconies because they've been dumped

So, so glad you got away from him when you did. Make sure your kids are always within sight, Okay?

LoveMyGirls · 12/04/2010 18:01

I'm not suprised you're angry, I would be livid. As if it's not enough for him to gamble and get you into debt cause you to go bankrupt and then demand the money for your kids first holiday he then decides to attempt suicide so either he could you inot getting back with him or his kids would be without their dad forever and leave you with the upset of it all. Jesus this bloke really is a bastard, thank god you kicked him out, stay strong x

LoveMyGirls · 12/04/2010 18:02

guilt you into (sorry so angry on your behalf I typed too fast)

Original poster

candyfluff · 12/04/2010 20:07

i have spoken to the phychaitric (sp) doctor at the royal london hospital and he said he is waiting for a bed for him at our local menatl health hospital,he said hes a really nice man - im like yeah whatever.

OP posts:

lucky1979 · 12/04/2010 20:30

I may be well out of line here, but having had a close relative who made a suicide attempt and was subsequently admitted...I would be slightly suspicious that a pychiatric doctor would be on the phone to you saying "oh no, he's a really nice man". Difficult to tell without the context and I could be completley but my alarm bells would be ringing. Especially if you had mentioned the gambling to him already.

Did you get the doctor's full name? Google him, or ring the hospital back and ask for him, just make absolutely sure that you're not being spun a line.

lucky1979 · 12/04/2010 20:31

psychiatric!

Janos · 12/04/2010 20:37

What lucky1979 said.

Original poster

candyfluff · 12/04/2010 20:40

thats what my sister said so she called and so did i ,both spoke to 2 different men ,the one i spoke to was the one who was trying to get me to reconsider when i spoke to him the 1st time

OP posts:

Fliight · 12/04/2010 20:40

and the same from me!

really nice man? From a psychiatrist? They nEVER say that kind of thing. It's his mate, innit.

Original poster

candyfluff · 12/04/2010 20:42

i think i know whats going on its coz the doctor was from the same culture/religion as dh so i spose he feels for him
mane they had similar accents so just assuming - doc did say he was taking him there himself which was a bit

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