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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

im shaking with anger just now and ive thrown dh out

436 replies

candyfluff · 10/04/2010 13:58

he has a long standing problem with gambling and so after many years of putting up with it last year i told him if he goes in there again i will kick him out - the day started fine we all went out to the town to do some shopping and take the kids to the park,we split up to get things done quicker and said i will meet you at the park - he's a no show so we leave the park and the first place i look for him is in the bookies and geuss what the bastard is doing - feeding the fucking fruit machine
i tell him to leave now and he comes out for a minute then goes straight back in and continues to gamble
i go back in after a ten or so mins and gives him back my wedding ring and told him he will be locked out when he gets home
ive just put his bag out of the door
dont really know why im posting this other than to vent - feel so let down

OP posts:
Original poster
candyfluff · 11/04/2010 22:38

yes he's gone - to london so he tells me - dad is gone he gave me back the door key.
will talk tomorrow im so tired i cant get the words out
thankyou so much for your support

OP posts:
Doha · 11/04/2010 22:47

Okay

try to have a sleep, things will be clearer inthe morning.

you know you have done the right things for you and your DC's

{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}

rowingcah · 11/04/2010 22:48

Well done Candy. Have a good night's sleep.

BertieBotts · 11/04/2010 22:52

Well done - haven't posted before but wanted to let you know there was another voice of support here. (((HUGS))) hope you get some sleep, you are a strong lady!

MrsSawdust · 11/04/2010 22:56

I have so much admiration for you right now.

You stuck by your resolve. You made the hard decision, not the easy one, and you followed it through.

That's the hardest part over with.

Sending 'un-mumsnetty' hugs.

thumbwitch · 11/04/2010 23:33

well done Candy! glad your Dad was there for you, I hope he will be there more for you now that you have got rid of the deadweight in your life.

hard, yes - but in the next few weeks you will start to feel much lighter cos you don't have to worry about him robbing your family of its funds any more.

Hope you managed to keep the money safe too!

((hugs)) for you - stay strong, he might come back and try to persuade you he's changed - he won't have managed to change in the next few weeks. It'll take months, if not years; and then only if he truly accepts he has a problem and really addresses it.

BudaisintheZONE · 12/04/2010 00:22

Very pleased that he has gone but I am sure you are very sad. Sad that he put his addiction first. But that is what addicts do. And you can't change that. Nobody can but him. And that won't happen till he admits he has a problem.

Hope you manage to sleep and that tomorrow is a better day.

GothAnneGeddes · 12/04/2010 01:46

Delurking to say that you did the right thing.
Definitely.

ChippingIn · 12/04/2010 04:47

Hope you are sleeping now.

You need to call people in the morning. People who can help you, pratically & emotionally.

Stay strong, do not let him back in today when he comes around and do not let him weaken your resolves with tears over the phone.

maduggar · 12/04/2010 08:12

Hope you are ok, give the kids plenty of hugs and hopefully you can get soem practical stuff sorted today x

Original poster
candyfluff · 12/04/2010 08:21

hi all - slept well last night - dh was calling me from whereever he is - london so he says - begging me to change my mind to think of the kids - he said he will give a few days to think it through - he still thinks i will change my mind,wants to buy me a laptop - wtf like that will make it all better,i did keep the money - i said how dare you say your entitled to it after what you've done .

OP posts:
thumbwitch · 12/04/2010 08:31

glad you slept well candy - and even more glad that you are still staying strong and not allowing him to wheedle you! See, he is scared now but he isn't saying the right things at all - still doesn't believe he has a problem, still thinks you're just going to give in and take him back so he can carry on as normal.

Next thing, he'll probably mention your hormones (as in PMT) or ask if you're depressed or something - i.e. try and turn it back onto you, making it your fault.

You're doing great! Be strong, stay strong and remember that what is best for the DC is to have a stable environment with enough money to have food on the table and not having parents worried by debt because of one parent's idiotically, unutterably selfish habits.

for you - you're doing the right thing.

GibbonInARibbon · 12/04/2010 08:37

Candy, well done on staying so strong. You should feel very proud of yourself.

I'm sorry it was so awful

Fliight · 12/04/2010 08:45

You sound resolute, keep it that way...the hardest step is over, he needs to accept he does not live with you any more.

Glad he has somewhere to go so he is off your back.

Also very glad you are Ok I mean physically, emotionally this will be tough, it's horrible, but it's the only option.

Well done.

I remember ex being a bit ike this with me - loads of begging, empty promises, what did he do thatw as so bad etc...I needed someone there reminding me of it all so I didn't weaken, for a while.

But once you have made the decision in your head, and sort of 'unattached' from him, he becomes the enemy, he can't touch you or get through the wall inside your head.

Sounds as though you are well on the way to achieving this is you haven't done so already - it's very encouraging, you're doing so well.

It doesn't have to be awful forever, he'll get used to it, you can retain a vague sort of 'getting on' as long as he respects the boundaries, ie he does not live in your house, he doesn't even come in unless you say so, you never have to like him, or love him, or share anything with him again except maybe the children, a bit - whatever happens, you are two separate people and you are free.

Stay resolute and keep being the broken record, don't get into a discussion, don't justify it to him, just know in yourself he is not coming back and you'll be OK.

Losing respect for someone like this is very powerful and gives you a lot of strength to keep them away from you so they cannot continue to abuse and hurt you.

You got out before he injured you physically which is such a triumph.

Take it easy today x

onadietcokebreak · 12/04/2010 08:48

Well done Candy. Stand firm.

May be a good idea to get praticial issues sorted today so you are financially sorted and one less thing he can use to manipulate you with.

Change CTC to single claim (can sometimes been done over phone)

Claim Income Support if you dont work etc 0800 0556688.

If you need any advice let me know

Fliight · 12/04/2010 08:48

and giving you a few days to think about it, ha ha ha, how pathetic...

you ARE thinking of the kids, that's why he is gone at this moment! What a crock.

he is sounding a bit desperate because he can't take the insult to his pride, well, tough. He'll get over it, in fact I'd almost bet he was on some level expecting and waiting for you to chuck him out, because that's often what these people do - they push and push till they know their behaviour is unconscionable, then you chuck them out, then they play the victim. It is all about how horrid and unfair you are, to them.

I actually didn't mind ex blaming me for chucking him, if it meant he could stay away more easily. I knew it was his fault, he knew it was, but he got to save face by telling people I was a cow. So be it - his friends were knobs anyway

BrokenBananaTantrum · 12/04/2010 08:49

Well done Candy. I'm glad you have slept well. You have done brilliantly. Thumbwitch is right he does sound scared of losing you but he is still not getting it that it is HIS GAMBLING that is the problem.

I hope you are OK. Even though you have done the right thing it must still be hard and sad for you after 13 years together. Stay strong. You are in the right.

I'm glad he has given you the keys back. Today might be a good chance to get in touch with the Citizens Advice Bureau(SP) as you need to sort out the name on the lease of your home and where you stand generally with stuff. If that sounds like too much to do today give yourself some time but you need to protect yourself and your kids.

I hope you will continue to post and let us know how you are getting on

Big Hugs

Doha · 12/04/2010 08:58

Glad you slept well Candy you obviously needed it.

How are your DC's this morning, they must have been so upset last night but you are doing the right thing. YOU are thinking of the kids unlike him.

Stuff the laptop if having one is so urgent tell him you are buying one with the holiday money.

Today is the start of a new life for you and your DC's. Sort out the legal and financial aspects when you can but today should be about you and the DC's. Spend time together and show them what an increible mum they have.

Thinking about you you have done so well

GladioliBuckets · 12/04/2010 09:23

YouARE thinking of the kids! And trying to throw pricey gifts at you is a clear sign that he doesn't have a clue about you. You are fighting for survival for you and your kids and he doesn't even realise that he is the danger.

Today I would phone up your local housing office for a chat about getting on the waiting list and how to apply for benefits. Are you thinking of moving?

moviegirl · 12/04/2010 09:37

so proud of you candy - dont know where you are in the country but it is a beautiful day where i am - hope the same for you. Perhaps take the DC's out to the park or somewhere. Make a few sarnies, grab some drinks and have a little picnic? would do you all a world of good, doesnt cost the earth and you will still have plenty of time to sort other things out.

Hope your day is filled with love and hugs.

maduggar · 12/04/2010 09:46

Please do keep thinking of the kids - by giving them a safe & stable home!

Its easier for gamblers to hide their addiction. My ex would nip to the shop for bread, and would nip into the pub next door to bung £20 or more in the fruit machine! He would just come home & say there had been a queue - without friends who had seen him id be none the wiser.

moviegirl · 12/04/2010 09:53

my mum was addicted to fruit machines around 20 years ago. It all came out as she had taken some money from work and couldnt pay it back.

She had a nervous breakdown but luckily my dad and i helped her to work through it and she is okay now - although now in her 70's i am sure there is not a day that she doenst regret it - it is very easy to allow it to grab you, like any addiction, to block out the reality of life and its problems. mine was shopping and look where that got me.

Original poster
candyfluff · 12/04/2010 10:47

im just having a chill day today - if he cant stop calling me then i will unplug the phone
gonna take dc's to the park and do all the financial/benefits thing tomrrow

OP posts:
moviegirl · 12/04/2010 11:02

good for you candy - hope you all have a lovely time

i am sorting my finances out as we speak but then its off out into garden with DC

really beautiful day today - hope it is the same for all mumsnetters!

Fliight · 12/04/2010 11:51

Good

He isn't your problem, he really isn't

he's responsible for his own life and own mess, you're not. He's not your child, though he might think so.

no law in the land can make you be with him, or take him on or his silly problems.

So...live your own life and don't waste a second more discussing it with him, unless you feel like it of course.

Have a good day.