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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

im shaking with anger just now and ive thrown dh out

436 replies

candyfluff · 10/04/2010 13:58

he has a long standing problem with gambling and so after many years of putting up with it last year i told him if he goes in there again i will kick him out - the day started fine we all went out to the town to do some shopping and take the kids to the park,we split up to get things done quicker and said i will meet you at the park - he's a no show so we leave the park and the first place i look for him is in the bookies and geuss what the bastard is doing - feeding the fucking fruit machine
i tell him to leave now and he comes out for a minute then goes straight back in and continues to gamble
i go back in after a ten or so mins and gives him back my wedding ring and told him he will be locked out when he gets home
ive just put his bag out of the door
dont really know why im posting this other than to vent - feel so let down

OP posts:
onadietcokebreak · 13/04/2010 13:20

When you called to claim I.S they should have also taken details to make claim to Housing benefits/ Council tax benefits- did they ask you details about your house/rent?
If so they will have made a claim to HB/CTC for you.

Interview is very straight forward. Mainly to look at any work/ training that may be needed in the future- no pressure.

Did you request backdating?

Jamiki · 13/04/2010 15:54

Candy, you have been amazingly strong, well done. My heart goes out to you and your DCs.
When you start feeling not so strong take heart that the hardest part is over.

The thing that stands out to me is that he went fully ballistic with dramatics. Someone who truly cared re: marriage and family would have from the start pledged to go to Gambling Anonymous, GamCare whatever. He would have said enough of the right things even if he wasn't 100% meaning to do them when he said it, (but they may have taken a more solid turn once the ball was rolling).

We are all thinking of you, you are not alone.

Hug your children, they don't need to know everything just yet. Not until you are more sure of what 'everything' is.

While it may be a struggle for a while you have self respect, safety and have kept your word when sometimes maybe thats all you (me, us) do have.

Bravo Candy.

Original poster
candyfluff · 13/04/2010 17:04

im so so exhausted today - want to crawl in my bed and stay there ,dh's work called today to find out where he is - told me it was them who called the police to the train station ,he had called and was telling them i had kicked him out.
i want to give the hospital his family's numbers but dont have them - he writes them all down in his lanuage and i cant read it !! so what can i do ?

OP posts:
GladioliBuckets · 13/04/2010 17:22

Have you got them written down? Can you scan them and email them to the hospital? The hospital will be able to find a translator. Or you could ask on Mumsnet's "Other Subjects" forum for a translator. Or do you know anyone local who speaks his language? One of his friends maybe?

Original poster
candyfluff · 13/04/2010 17:26

his phone book is full of numbers so havent got a clue which page to scan iyswim
there is a lady a few rows up from me who is the same nationality could ask her -but shes a nosy cow and would ask lots of questions

OP posts:
Saffysmum · 13/04/2010 17:26

I'm not surprised you're exhausted candyfluff - look how much you have had to deal with over such a short period of time. You could call the hospital, and say that you have separated, and that you cannot read the numbers of his family, but they must not contact you in future, as you will be unavailable for a couple of days at least (don't tell them more than that - don't give them a mobile number, if they have it, then screen your calls). Tell them that you are under a lot of pressure, and need a break. Tell them this firmly, and you don't have to justify this. Tell them to ask him for another contact number - and he can then
choose which member of the family he wants. Then hang up. You are under a lot of pressure and now is the time for you to look after yourself, and keep well and strong for the kids. He has done this, so don't take on his problems, because you are in the process of completely breaking away from him. That's why he's upped the pressure - he's trying to guilt trip you into forgiving him. I'm very surprised that a doctor told you yesterday that "he's a nice man" and that they also told him that you'll have him back. They shouldn't do this - especially with a mentally ill patient. Anyway, you're the priority - you and the kids. Phone the hospital, talk to reception, tell them to pass on the details I suggest. Be to the point, and don't try and justify yourself. You have nothing to justify.

Then give the kids a big hug, and yourself an even bigger pat on the back - you're doing well, the worse is over.

Fliight · 13/04/2010 17:35

I agree with Saffysmum - he was with it enough to give them YOUR number, so he should blooming well give them his family's numbers...it's not your problem. Though I appreciate that being kept informed might feel safer to you at the moment, say if he decided to discharge himself, you might want a bit of warning in case he turned up.

But it sounds like he will keep ringing you anyway...you could maybe not pick up, if you have caller ID, and let him leave messages so you can get them if and when you feel up to it.

Original poster
candyfluff · 13/04/2010 17:47

ds is crying right now for his dad - im so sad

OP posts:
triffictits · 13/04/2010 18:40

just caught up on this candy from last night.

You have made loads of progress today - you should be proud of yourself. Dont let him tell you otherwise - at the moment he will say anything to make you feel guilty enough and sorry for him to take him back.

You have taken the biggest step now, so just stay strong and carry on as you are. I am actually quite amazed that you have already started arranging benefits etc - you are stronger than you give yourself credit for.

BrokenBananaTantrum · 13/04/2010 18:40

oh candyfluff this must be hard and it is sad but i still think you are doing the right thing.

You seem to have accomplished a lot in one day and that is brilliant but exhausting too.

Lots of people are posting some really good advice atm. Stick with it and you will get through.

GladioliBuckets · 13/04/2010 18:44

Switch off your phone, have a nice long soak in the bath and an early night. You deserve it.

Fliight · 13/04/2010 18:44

Yes, it's natural and to be expected that the children are upset by this - but you didn't cause it, it's been coming for a long time thanks to their father.

Also I should have warned you to expect a bit of backlash, them being unsettled, playing up a bit, for a while - this is them realising they are finally free to express to you how they feel, because you have shown them you are there to act in their best interests, which is a massive, massive thing for them. Your relationship with them is going to be so much stronger once the dust settles, because they have seen you standing up for yourself, for them, for all of you and for what is right.

Whatw as going on could not legitimately continue. You were at risk. They are probably reacting to what happened last time he came round - when he kicked off?

Don't worry. You can't turn back now, it'a done and it's right. You will all be fine, including their dad.

Saffysmum · 13/04/2010 18:48

What have you told the kids, Candy?

Original poster
candyfluff · 13/04/2010 19:04

well i called the hospital in harrow and they said he was today transfered to our local hospital - im not happy here can leave anytime he wants and i suspect he will - he called me from there a few mins ago and i told him to please stop calling me ,i said he will have to talk to his family from now on- he was saying its hard to as its very expensive from a call box to his country,- i spoke to someone there and asked if they can call me back to discuss what will happen - how long he will be there ,where will he go when he is out ans for them to not use me as his next of kin
i told him when he is better he can see the kids.he put the phone down on me .
i need to see the citizens advice tomorrow as i need to know where i stand with regards to the tenancy - i spoke to the council and they said i need to get him to agree to his name being taken off - hmmmmmm not likely.
im worried that if he knows he has a right to stay here then he will

OP posts:
Fliight · 13/04/2010 19:07

This is where the police Domestic unit come in, or Womens aid.

CAB will go some of the way but they don't specialise in this stuff, WA do.

I think the number was posted earlier in the thread, I can never remember it.

Fliight · 13/04/2010 19:10

PHONE: 0808 2000 247

Here

please please use it. Just talk to them. You can yabber on and they'll just listen, AND give you the best advice there is.

I feel out of my depth trying to help on here, obv can offer support but not too hot on the practical side of it.

CloudBustingForFelix · 13/04/2010 20:12

Hi candy, well done for being so strong today, I agree with the other posters, I think the time has come for you to call Womens Aid, they will be able to give you the support and advice you need. They'll be able to help you with things like the tenancy agreement. If you want to discuss practicalities they'll help with that, if you need more emotional support, they are able to do that too.

I think there will need to be a point where you speak with the domestic violence unit, perhaps with the support of your local womens aid, and this will help your situation too. If your ex-partner knows that you have been strong enough to speak with the police, he will be forced to take you seriously.

Finally, can I be a little nosey and ask where your ex-partner is from? You mentioned that his family is abroad but depending on where he is from, there may be local help available for him via his local temple/ community centre. This might take the pressure away from you.

Lots of positive thoughts coming your way.

Coolfonz · 13/04/2010 21:50

Chin up Candy.

tortoiseonthehalfshell · 14/04/2010 03:56

You are doing extremely well, candy. He's throwing a lot of shit at you, and you're coping brilliantly.

Original poster
candyfluff · 14/04/2010 08:24

morning - i went to bed at 9pm last night so so tired - feeling quite low today and wondering stupidly if dh is ok ??? not for me but for the kids sake.- i went hunting this morning and found his cousins mobile number - i think i may call him but his english is limited and im not sure he will understand me,could just pass the number on to the hospital .
bloody horrible weather here so not a day to go to the park
cant wait til they go back to school next week

OP posts:
GibbonInARibbon · 14/04/2010 13:05

It must be really tough at the mo Candy but you are going great.

Hang in there and give Womens Aid, even just for general advice.

GladioliBuckets · 14/04/2010 13:30

Tenancy is the most important thing. Find out what exactly needs to be done to get him off the tenancy. Does he have to go to the housing office himself? Do you have to go together?

If he does walk out of the hospital before being assessed properly, I should offer him a little cash to sign it. I suspect he won't be able to refuse. Obv wait til the kids are back at school if you have to meet him.

Original poster
candyfluff · 14/04/2010 16:01

have rubg womens aid - lovely lady-she has given me some numbers to try and great advice - he has to write to them and both of us has to sign it before he can be taken off the tenancy - he is entitled to live here until that time - eekkkkk - thats the last thing i want - i can apply to the court to get an occupation order that would only be given if there is enough evidence for it ,i didnt call the police so not much chance of that.
and to top the day off nicely ds hole punched his finger and the upstairs loo is blocked with dd's turd

OP posts:
Original poster
candyfluff · 14/04/2010 16:10

rung

OP posts:
GladioliBuckets · 14/04/2010 16:46

LOL at poo probs, just what you need. Have you tried pumping the loo brush in and out to get some suction going?

Great news that you only need a letter. Write one yourself, print out 2 copies (a spare in case he gets melodramatic) and arrange to meet him in a cafe with a fruit machine. If he says no, offer him 10x £1 coins to sign it.