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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

im shaking with anger just now and ive thrown dh out

436 replies

candyfluff · 10/04/2010 13:58

he has a long standing problem with gambling and so after many years of putting up with it last year i told him if he goes in there again i will kick him out - the day started fine we all went out to the town to do some shopping and take the kids to the park,we split up to get things done quicker and said i will meet you at the park - he's a no show so we leave the park and the first place i look for him is in the bookies and geuss what the bastard is doing - feeding the fucking fruit machine
i tell him to leave now and he comes out for a minute then goes straight back in and continues to gamble
i go back in after a ten or so mins and gives him back my wedding ring and told him he will be locked out when he gets home
ive just put his bag out of the door
dont really know why im posting this other than to vent - feel so let down

OP posts:
WorzselMummage · 13/04/2010 05:49

Surely a hospital wouldn't release someone threatening imminant suicide. They would be sectioned surely ?

Candyfluff your doing brilliantly

candyfluff · 13/04/2010 07:13

just called the hospital and the lady didnt know much just that he was in bed
took me ages to fall asleep thinking the next thing would be a call to say he has killed himself

OP posts:
BrokenBananaTantrum · 13/04/2010 07:23

Morning Candy I hope you have managed to get some sleep.

Please stay strong. I agree with the people who have said that H is no longer your problem and to tell the hospital that you are no longer his next of kin.

You have enough stuff to do today without chasing up hospitals. Just focus on getting your money and housing sorted out if you can.

Sending you hugs

X

candyfluff · 13/04/2010 07:26

have made a list of things to do today and im going to start calling when they all open - i cant do anything about the utility bills as he will have to cancel them himself-i think
anyone know what benefit i will be put on - i havent got a clue

OP posts:
BrokenBananaTantrum · 13/04/2010 07:34

the list is good as it will make sure you get through everything. I' afraid I don't know much about benefits but if you are in rented accommodation you should start getting housing benefit and council tax benefit.

Here are a couple of websites that might be able to help

www.turn2us.org.uk/benefits_search.aspx

www.direct.gov.uk/en/MoneyTaxAndBenefits/BenefitsTaxCreditsAndOtherSupport/BeginnersGuideToBenefits/ index.htm?cids=Google_PPC&cre=Money

Stay strong and do what you can but don't beat yourself up if you don't get through everything in a day.

X

BrokenBananaTantrum · 13/04/2010 07:36

I've got to go now but i'll be back on later this afternoon.

FabIsGoingToGetFit · 13/04/2010 07:39

Saffysmum "you cared enough to join this site and post what your friend had said" ? Are you psychic as well as a mental health nurse?

Fliight · 13/04/2010 07:56

Fab, I think a lot of people lurk and only actually join when they feel a need to post something possibly helpful or important to someone in need. i think that's what Saffy means.

Candy, sorry, I hope you understand now that nobody was doubting you - just your arse of a husband.

His actions and words are evidently having a huge effect on you, which is what he wants - thats why he's saying them, doing them.

Be kind to yourself and carry on being blaise about it, because it's the ONLY way - detach, detach, detach.

He's behaving like a manipulative teenager, or maybe toddler, not sure which.
It's so textbook it's almost funny. If it weren't so terrible for you it would be, anyway

He won't do himself in, of course he won't, he's nowhere near it. This is just nonsense threats to make you relent and say 'Oh my poor dear, come back'

but we are all desperately hoping you won't.
He'll be FINE

he'll carry on this kind of shite till he's got bored with the lack of reaction and then he'll find himself somewhere to stay and moan about you for the next few years to anyone who'll listen - that's my prediction anyway!

Seriously, he's too much of a coward to chuck himself under a train. It's all mouth.

hope you are managing OK. The longer you go without him harming himself the more you'll believe he's bluffing, so just try hard to ignore and not respond.

We are all here rooting for you.

LoveMyGirls · 13/04/2010 08:08

It's rare people who threaten suicide actually go through with it, it's more common for people to do it without telling anyone and for people to be suprised as they thought they were fine etc

When I was young with PND I was in a very dark place, no money, being abused by my ex, stalked by another ex one day something just snapped and I ran to the bathroom with a bottle of pills, my dd, sister and step dad were in the house and I didn't tell them, luckily my sister saw me running and instantly followed me by the time they unlocked the door I'd taken 70 tablets and my step dad forced me into the car and took me straight to hospital. I see now it was a cry for help, my PND hadn't been diagnosed and I didn't understand why I felt so bad, I thought I would feel like it forever. My point is if he was serious he wouldn't keep threatening it, he's just doing it to get to you.

Maybe he feels like he wants to but I doubt he has the guts to do it. Does he feel bad about what he's done? That he's putting you through even more by doing this? Probably not because he is obviously very selfish.

I hope you stay strong and remember there are lots of us on here supporting you.

candyfluff · 13/04/2010 08:50

well he has just called - saying he is getting help and when hes better he will come back and everything will be fine - i said why do you think i will change my mind ?????
he said i love you ,think of the kids how hard it will be - i said i was sorting out benefits and he was shocked ?????
he is making this very hard putting pressure on me to take him back - his doctors is telling him iw ill take him back encouraginghim - im going to call later and tell them its not on

OP posts:
Coolfonz · 13/04/2010 08:51

I'm a bloke, read this thread, and men like the OP's fella make me ashamed and angry. He may be troubled - and i fully support well finded treatment for addicts - but life is too short to have people like him around you. He is weak, an emotional blackmailer, threatening to women, raging in front of his kids. Just disgusting, disgusting behaviour.

Leave him for good Candyfluff. In time you can find a man who will love you and your kids.

LIZS · 13/04/2010 08:58

His doctor will be talking to him based only on what he has said. Do you really think he is likely to have represented you as justifiably angry and him a compulsive gambler and bully ? Or are you neurotic, vicious, overreacting and he the victim ? He may well have a selective memory and will be telling them that you will take him back and look after him, if that is the way of being discharged.

I too however am a bit about his whole suicide bid/mh saga. Either there is more to it or there is some elaborate embellishment on his part. Can you speak to his work and see whether there is any truth in what he has said ?

GladioliBuckets · 13/04/2010 09:01

'Think of the kids' - that's exactly what you are doing.

Contact his family and let them deal with him in the shortrun.

LIZS · 13/04/2010 09:02

and it isn't enough for him to say he is getting help, for what exactly ? He hasn't yet acknowledged the seriousness of the problem or the impact it has on your and dc. Let alone apologised. If you choose to support him , assuming he has serious intentions of controlling this, it could be a long term and difficult .

FabIsGoingToGetFit · 13/04/2010 09:25

Fllight - I get you. Oops. Sorry, saffysmum.

Fllight just answered on your thread.

onadietcokebreak · 13/04/2010 09:50

Candy...call the number I posted earlier on the thread yesterday.

Is your youngest less than 7 and you dont work? If so you will claim Income Support. CTC and Housing/council tax benefit if you rent. Do you recieve the Child Benefit in your name?

Am off for a while but will check in later to see how you got on but please ring that number today and request backdating to Sunday when you seperated.

onadietcokebreak · 13/04/2010 09:52

If youngest child is over 7 its JSA

If you work more than 16 hours per week its WTC.

CTC and Child benefit in all cases.

Mortgage help on JSA and I.S after 13 wks .

GooseyLoosey · 13/04/2010 10:18

Candy - your story reminds me a little of my parents. For various reasons my mother left my father when I was 5. Cue my father getting lots of people involved and threatening to commit suicide. My mother felt immensely guilty and took him back. There followed 15 years of great unhappiness for all concerned as my mother tried to live with someone she no longer had any respect for and no longer loved. Speaking as the child involved in this situation, it would have been better for me if they had not got back together. I am not saying that this is the answer for you but simply that he should not persuade you into taking him back for the good of the children.

Fliight · 13/04/2010 10:19

Thanks Fabby

Candyfluff - bloody hell How low can he stoop, and does he not see how abusive this is? Evidently he doesn't get it, not one little bit.

Womens aid can provide real life support and counselling to you locally - I had support from them and it was great. It meant someone was there fully on my side and giving me support, all the time I needed it - they also sorted out some benefits issues for me.

It was just unconditional support really.

He's being a complete tosser, 'take me back becasue it will be too difficult for you otherwise'

What a b*stard! He's also completely deluded.
You are SO much better off without this timewaster in your life. make it VERY clear to the doctors that this man threatened, manhandled you, has a HUGE gambling problem (they deal witha ddictions there so will understand this) and that there is NO way in the world he is coming back into your life, home, etc etc etc.

Give them the numbers for his family, and tell them it's their problem, not yours.

Coolfonz · 13/04/2010 10:21

And his Doctor - if there is one and it's not a friend of his family - should keep his/her nose out.

Ditch him. Move on. He's a loser and he's weak.

candyfluff · 13/04/2010 10:46

ive just left a message with th hospiatl to call my back - im going to say for them not to give him false hope i dont want to be with him even if he gets well
i havent told dc yet that he is in a hospital - not sure what to tell them ????
been onto benefits people - put a claim in for income support and have to go for an interview - is that normal - im scared to death to be honest - got to go and fill out the council tax/rent forms today - its all so hard -feeling very upset today

OP posts:
GladioliBuckets · 13/04/2010 11:02

Don't tell the kids anything about the hospital for a week. That will give him a chance to calm down, the doctors a chance to assess him properly, you a chance to be more confident about your own future. Say he's gone for a break as he's stressed out and you've split up.

CloudBustingForFelix · 13/04/2010 11:04

hi candy, have been following your thread but hadn't posted before.

Firstly, well done for everything you have done for yourself and your children so far, you are having to be so strong at the moment, but you can get through it and there will be time to grieve after things are organised.

In response to your final post, an interview is normal (probably at your job centre), they are very straight forward and will go through how it works, your entitlement, and give you an opportunity to ask any questions, don't worry about this as they are there to help you.

For council tax/ housing benefits, there probably won't be an interview, but do ask for help filling in the forms if you are not sure of anything, at least then you can be sure that you are getting everything you are entitled to.

Hope this helps, claiming for benefits can be very daunting, but you will only get what you and your children are entitled and although it may not be much, at least you'll be free.

Fliight · 13/04/2010 12:30

Well done Candy, you're doing good

If you ring womens aid they will help you with ALL this stuff, I know how hard work it is, that's why I suggested them.

They can send out someone to sit with you and help you with stuff.

Anyway...it's up to you, you might not want someone coming round. I'm sure you will manage it by yourself.

Hope things start to get easier now.

twolittlemonkeys · 13/04/2010 12:53

Well done for doing so well so far. I totally agree with Fliight's advice - doctor should keep out of it and contact your ExP's family from now on.