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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

just admitted having sex with someone else

555 replies

homebirthmummy · 29/03/2010 21:05

I've never posted before, but I really could do with, well I don't actually know what I could do with.

my husband told me 2 hours ago that 4 months ago he had sex with someone else. At his works Christmas party, with someone he works with, and has seen since (taken our 4 year old daughter out with her daughter). In fact, our daughter joined the same ballet class as her daughter under my husbands recommendation, and I've sat with her drinking coffee and chatting shit.

I don't really know the reason I'm posting, I guess I just feel really sad, angry and lonely.

OP posts:
ThatVikRinA22 · 03/04/2010 22:43

you can come back from this, if you want it enough.

good luck.

CarGirl · 03/04/2010 22:48

I'm really glad that you've both made a huge step forward and you are both now being very honest to each other and yourselves. I wish you the best x

Original poster
homebirthmummy · 03/04/2010 22:50

Thanks guys! x

OP posts:
Mongolia · 03/04/2010 22:50

Glad to hear that you have now a good base from where to depart to sort these things. I'm also happy that you decided to give it another go, people do mistakes and some are HUGE, but it seemed to me that you loved each other very much, and it would have been a waste to let all go without trying.

I know the way ahead will be difficult and painful at times, but I hope your relationship will come out of it stronger.

Best of luck!

myfirstbump · 03/04/2010 22:53

I've been following this thread, but I haven't really known what to say so far. I've been checking every day and was worried about your silence, even though your priority is real life, not keeping us up to date . I'm really glad you have the full story now, and that you are able to work out a way forward for both of you.

I'm sure it will be a long hard road, but hopefully it will leave a much stronger marriage at the end. I really admire your strength for being able to want to work through it.

I wish you all the best. Please let us know how you're doing from time to time x

myfirstbump · 03/04/2010 22:54

oops, x-posts Mongolia!

ladylush · 03/04/2010 22:56

It seems that he has finally acknowledged the horrific impact his behaviour has had on his family. He is very very lucky that you are prepared to work through this with him. Good luck hbm x

Original poster
homebirthmummy · 03/04/2010 22:57

Thank you, I really think our marriage will be stronger too.

I will definately update you all!

Hopefully I'll be able to help some others like you've all helped me (my forte is birth though!)
xx

OP posts:
BitOfFun · 03/04/2010 23:02

I hope you can work it out- and the offer of a drink still stands

Original poster
homebirthmummy · 03/04/2010 23:06

Thanks Bitoffun!! Will defo be up for the drink! I just emailed you my number, so we can sort something! x

OP posts:
BitOfFun · 03/04/2010 23:10

Have left you a message on your phone and an email, so do call me back if you can- I'm up and only slightly inebriated, so it's all good

Original poster
homebirthmummy · 03/04/2010 23:15

ha!! I am literally just about to go to bed, daughter now has bloody chicken pox - it never rains it pours hey!!

Anyway, I will give you a tinkle tomorrow xx

OP posts:
ladylush · 03/04/2010 23:55

Oh no - what rotten luck Get h to do all the care for dd while you put your feet up

norksinmywaistband · 04/04/2010 07:43

I am glad you have got peace of mind knowing the truth.
I hope you can make a go of things - I am sure it will not be an easy path, but one you obviously want to take.
Remember we are all here if you need to let off steam

HappyWoman · 04/04/2010 07:59

glad you giving it a go.
A couple of warnings though
Dont for one minute think this will be a quick process and that a bit of counselling will make it better. It is an ongoing thing and as long as you h is willing to continue to work out why he did it and make the changes you can have a good marriage.
But with any therapy they will be pitfalls and he may not always be as truthful as he needs to be.

I too remember my h looking like a wreck - and being diagnosed with depression - its not depression in the chemical sense iyswim - has he been pre-scribed meds?
He is very low and the weight loss will not have helped (both me and my h lost tons of weight). But be careful that he does not use his depression as an excuse to not open up or 'forget' details.
My h was signed off work by a GP too for a month - however i actually think him being diagnosed as depressed did not do us any favours it allowed him to be the victim for a while longer.

Sorry if that all sounds doom and gloom - the fact he is willing is a good sign - i just think you need to make sure you get the answers you NEED now to move on and that time lost is hard to make up.
Also think very carefully about if he is going to return to working with her - even if in his mind it is over she may want to make his life difficult (thats what ow did for my h- I wish i had never let them continue to work together).

Good luck though and even though there will be change you can have a better marriage.

skidoodly · 04/04/2010 08:21

Glad to hear you sounding so positive hbm. You and dh have a hard road ahead now but if you can hold onto these feelings of love, happiness at having him back and relief at not having lost him, you should come through stronger than ever.

After your second post on the "in front of the children" issue I thought alright that you might have misunderstood. It's good that he didn't entirely lose his perspective on what was good for them.

I find it very easy to believe that having to tell you what was going on gave him a flash of reality and made him see things differently. Secret trysts exist in a separate world in a way. Once that world collided with the real world he was inevitably going to have a different perspective on things.

Best of luck with the future and rebuilding your marriage. It won't be easy but you seem a strong and determined woman and it sounds like you two love each other very much.

VictoriasLittleKnownSecret · 04/04/2010 08:25

I would like to be a positive poster.... but one word of caution. Please don't take responsibility for your husband's state of mind. It's his battle to understand why he did this and whether he can make ammends.

You can be supportive/helpful and tolerant but recognise that you are individuals.
You will have a better marriage after this I suspect... but only if you fully expose the truths- painful though they may be. I'm talking about truths of inadequacy, lack of responsibility and immaturity in his behaviour- of course there will be some issues around your behaviour but do not take all the blame to make him feel better. When you have a baby it's not your job to make that life so smooth that the father doesn't have to adjust.

OK apologies for the negativity in that...now go and grow into a family and be happy

Annieoz · 04/04/2010 08:28

Good news - you know it's not going to be easy, but just make sure you talk, talk, talk and talk some more to him.

Communication is the key to your future together and you have to become "you and him", not just mummy and daddy all the time!

Lots of happiness and luck to you all; keep us updated with how things are progressing xx

Annieoz · 04/04/2010 08:29

Actually what I mean to say in my first line was talk TOGETHER x

countingto10 · 04/04/2010 08:58

HBM, Good luck with everything. It is not an easy road, lots of ups and downs along the way. Days when you feel you can't continue and other days when it won't bother you.

Like your DH, mine had some sort of breakdown/crisis which was made worse by the affair but like you, I don't think we would be still together without the affair happening. It took something that bad for him to realise he needed help. They have to face up to their character flaws and that isn't easy and it doesn't take place other night. My DH felt he became a different person during the affair. Get the "Not Just Friends" book - it helped my DH realise that actually he is a bit of a cliche and your DH is too. My DH was utterly vile to me and the DC too.

A year down the line (literally this weekend last year by DH left me for OW) my DH has finally admitted to himself that he fancied himself in love with the OW, he had denied this as he couldn't believe he could "love" such a horrible woman. I'm sure your DH is wondering how he "fell" for OW when he looks at it in the cold light of day. It's the ego boost, they are attracted to the feelings the OW stir in them rather than the OW themselves IYSWIM.

Sorry for the waffle, can you tell I've been thinking alot this weekend .

Good luck, one day at a time and patience and tolerance on both sides. BTW, the rage will come in waves - it's the five stages of grief.

Malificence · 04/04/2010 09:58

I can't say I have much sympathy for a man who falls apart and "goes off the rails" seemingly so easily - how people act/react under extreme stress and pressure is normally a good indicator of their true self.

If he can't cope with the pressure of a young family, it is meant to be the happiest time after all, how will he cope with other life stressors - bereavement / job loss / illness etc.?

I'm not sure I buy this "depression" scenario with a lot of affairs - it takes a lot of effort to be able to deceive and live a secret life, the people I've know with depression have been barely able to function.

I hope you can make things work and he can work on himself and his weakness, it's a major character flaw within him. He needs to support you through this, not the other way around.

serendipitous · 04/04/2010 10:49

Mal, I think that is a bit harsh. He has been weak foolish duplicitous etc but all these can be exacerbated by depression. Just look at some of the better literature about mid life crisis for some examples.

HBM, it will not be easy to grow into this happy family for you or your husband but I admire you for the strength you are both showing by trying. It sounds like he is serious. HW is right, he can not use depression as an excuse; nothing can excuse the lies etc, but diagnosis might well help both of you to understand what happened and guard against anything like it in future.

I really do wish you the best of luck and please make sure you take time for yourself in all this. Don't fall into the trap of nursing your husband at your own expense.

ladylush · 04/04/2010 11:01

Good post Serendipitous and Victoria - I agree that it is not the new mother's job to ensure a smooth transition for the new father. hbm - don't own your h's mood/esteem problem. It is up to him to get help with this and take responsibility for his own health. He looks a wreck because he has been confronted with his own terrible behaviour. I don't dispute that he has been low in mood (maybe even depressed) but I bet he wasn't looking like that before the truth came out. It's such a cliche - I remember that wrecked look when my h's affair was exposed. I even worried about him doing something stupid (then was angry for worrying about him when I should be worrying about myself and ds).

HappyWoman · 04/04/2010 11:11

yes lush - i too remember 'worrying' about my h state of mind - and then felt angry that i had to worry about my own too!!

Of course he can feel low and it may only be now that he is actually realising exactly what he has done.

Mal - surely the going through hard times is how we learn that we can cope with lifes major trails. It is no excuse what he did but i dont think he set out to do what he did - it does not make him an evil person.
In the same way that someone who kills a child on the road is not evil (if they were speeding) they didnt think to themselves 'i want to hurt somone' and yet we all know the consequenses of speeding - we just dont think it will actually hurt anyone. Sometimes people learn by their mistakes. Although of course you dont have to accept that in your own life.

I am so much happier now knowing how my h will cope - because i think we both know him a lot better.
But as nothing is a certainty i can only hope he will cope and be my rock when i need him.

fortyplus · 04/04/2010 11:31

homebirthmummy - great to hear you sounding so strong and positive.

I agree that he sounds depressed - and low level depression is vastly different from the blackness and despair of the severe depression that mal refers to.

I can never agree with those who would end a marriage over a single affair - would be very different if it happened again.

But we all have weaknesses and failings, and sometimes another willing party comes along at just the wrong moment as has happened to your dh. The attention and flattery appeals, but above all the romantic removal from the stresses of everyday life with tiny children must have been a relief of a kind.

It's great that he understands the hurt and pain he has caused. He clearly loves you very much as you do him. You can make your marriage better than ever and put this behind you.

Good luck