just admitted having sex with someone else

[homebirthmummy]

I've never posted before, but I really could do with, well I don't actually know what I could do with.

my husband told me 2 hours ago that 4 months ago he had sex with someone else. At his works Christmas party, with someone he works with, and has seen since (taken our 4 year old daughter out with her daughter). In fact, our daughter joined the same ballet class as her daughter under my husbands recommendation, and I've sat with her drinking coffee and chatting shit.

I don't really know the reason I'm posting, I guess I just feel really sad, angry and lonely.

skidoodly, that was very insightful post and right on the mark. Right now HBM you won't know what to believe, as I said to people at the time of my DH's affair "If you told me the sky was green I would believe you". Uncertainty is all around at the moment, take all the RL support and help you can. Don't to anything rash (my sister held me back from confronting OW thank god) and think of yourself.

Go to the GP and get something to help, as I said before I was on Diazepam for a week as I was so traumatised. Don't underestimate your feelings. You don't have to do anything now, just one day at a time.

Plenty of us on here have been through this and nobody will judge you whatever you do.

HBM, have been following your thread and just wanted to send you postive vibes and the best of wishes. I hope you're OK and are being kind to yourself. x

like Quink, sending my best wishes to you and DC xxx

HBM - my heart goes out to you. I?m so sorry. Hugs. Sorry if this sounds cold but - Please keep all your original documents (there are some excellent lists that others have made above so I won?t add to those) and scan them as well if you can and mail them to yourself. Do change your email passwords / other passwords if your H has them. If you have access to your bank account (if it?s a joint one), may make sense to take enough out/ transfer to another account in case he is the primary holder- after all, your children are with you and you need money for that. You might want to change your locks at your house so that the space is entirely yours and your DCs. Whichever way you deal with things with your H-whether you get back together or not, or just take some space from each other, these would all make sense.

HBM, I've been lurking since Monday, and I'm afraid I have no real advice to give, but want you to know I'm thinking of you.xx

I feel sick to my stomach on your behalf.

My point was that not ALL the 'advice' on here is constructive, esp. when some people can't be objective due to their own experiences. I'm sorry others of you have been through this - but some of the 'All men are lying cheating bastards' language used to describe the DH and OW...

Its so bloody easy to write 'change the locks and end the relationship your life is over' when it has no effect on your own life but i don't believe it has to be as devastatingly negative as you're all making it out to be.

Infidelity does not have to mean the end of a marriage and breakup of a family just because it happened to you.

Which part of " he fucked OW in the marital bed" don't you understand kiwi?

it hasn't happened to me, kiwi

but I recognise shitty behaviour of the highest order when I see it

your second post is more reasonable...your first was out of order...shame on you

Oh no, the painful truth keeps coming.........just when you feel you can't process any more and wham it hits you I agree with the advice to not make any rash decisions. As far as going to the gp for medication is concerned, I don't want to advise you against this but just think you should give it some thought. Diazepam is fine on a short term basis but you might find you are not ready to stop taking it and then you have another problem on your hands. I avoided alcohol for the same reason - and I wanted to be clear headed.

Yes lalylush, I admit I didn't go near ADs or much alcohol at the time either (looking back I am amazed somehow that I didn't) but they seem to have helped some people on here.

Kiwinyc - thing is, being supportive to someone, opening your heart to them, sharing your experience - I'm not sure that all that is somehow 'better' because it is 'objective'. The message to OP (apart from yours) is that she can cope with this, things will be Ok, not to rush, she will recover and her life will be better.

What I wrote was not 'bloody easy'. I relived fucking horrible pain from 8 damn years ago because it would be wonderful if it helped OP in some tiny way because i wish there had been anyone to help me, amyone who could tell me it would be OK and that actually, yes, it was reasonable to break up my DD's happy home because actually 'forsaking all others' meant something to me and yes, not all men are cheating lying bastards but the ones who fuck other women in your bed...THEY ARE.

I'm sure there are women who think they have good marriages for some other reason than honesty, sexual fidelity, trust, security and comittment - could you enlighten us as to what they might be? Should OP be grateful that her H does not kill family pets or give her a black eye once a week? How dare you suggest that her feelings of total betrayal are anything less than justified?

Mal - why does it matter where the infidelity occurred - in a car, in a hotel room, in their own bed - are there degrees of sin according to where it happened? I guess you're trying to say it was even more shameful therefore the insults are justified...but not if it only took place somewhere else?

AF - I'm as entitled to my interpretation of the other responses as you are.

Its good to note that many people have been though this sort of thing and have healed from it are able to provide really useful and constructive advice, like not making any decisions immediately.

Are you sure OW's husband knows? is he saying that just because he's is trying to stop you telling him? Look him up on FB and send him a msg.

HBM - you are now feeling that it can't get any worse. I really don't know whether it will or not, but you are probably at the "what have I done", "how could he do it to me" phase - and there are no answers to this - because HE made the choices because of HIS inadequacies. Nothing you did (my DH blamed me because I was menopausal and dared to turn him down in bed a couple of times). You WILL learn to believe, in time, that it really was nothing you've done.

Take time for yourself now - I made copious lists to help me remember how to do the basics of every day life (pitiful really, but they did help). I also started to write a journal every day putting all my feelings and emotions down. This seemed to get some of the angst, pain, hurt and sense of total betrayal in a more 'real' place. I've looked back at some of my writing from when Mr Fuckface confessed to me and I can now see how far I have come, even if it doesn't feel like it some days.

Please take care of yourself, don't think of anything outside of your 'safe' box - that means do things at your own pace.

Annie xx

Tanga - i've not said anything to suggest OP's feelings are not justified?

And yes I think there are plenty of people who have open marriages, or who have had at one time or another had trust, security or commitment tested - overcome it and moved on.

I'm truly sorry you had this happen to you 8 yrs ago - and still seems to hurt you so much. OP's Dh may be a cheating lying bastard as you say but OP has her own choice to make about either she keeps him as her cheating lying bastard and it may be a different choice than yours. Both scenarios happen all the time.

Sorry HBM, ignore above post as had not read everything when posted that. I'm so sorry about your situation. You are doing the right thing - your H has only told you because he was worried OWH would tell you first. Be strong, write everything down so that when you see solic you have everything clear. Look after yourself and your DC. (((hug)))

"why does it matter where the infidelity occurred - in a car, in a hotel room, in their own bed - are there degrees of sin according to where it happened?"

clearly, where it happened doesn't matter as much as the fact that he has repeatedly lied about when and if it happened. It just happens that his latest lie involves the marrital bed and so is quite a devastating lie.

Kiwinyc in some small ways I do agree with you but some very good advice has been given, particularly that she give herself space enough to really think about how to deal with these events.

Many of us have luckily not had this happen to us but are still able to advise. Those who have had this happen to them probably have about as much if not more useful practical advice to give than someone fortunate enough not to have had it happen. Your opinion is no more correct than other people's opinion.

I dont think it matters where it occured. The fact is it happened and the hurt is the same, surely? how are you doing tonight?

Kiwinnyc I agree with what you have said.

I suspect many others do too but do not wish to be insensitive to many here who have been so badly hurt in similar situations.

OP I hope you are feeling strong tonight. Take your time to decide what is best for you and your children. Marriages can and do survive this, and worse.

As a woman who ran through Mumsnet a good number of dilemmas that eventually got me out of my marriage, I can say that where talking about men, there are:

-Witch Burners. Those who claim that your situation is unsustainable, that you are better off without, that you need to move out now, yada, yada but have never been in that particular situation, so they may know, at best, only indirectly what going through certain situation really means but have no idea on how bad/good it could be.

-The experienced. Those who have been there and can provide useful advice on how to sort things out or how to get the hell out of that situation ASAP.

• The wounded. Those who have the experience, but who have not yet put the suffering behind, and therefore find it difficult, though not impossible, to provide impartial advice.

I guess that depending on the problem in question, and what I have been going through, I move from one to another, and I suppose most mumsneters do the same.

So, to explain my point a bit better, I might be good advising about surviving financially as a single parent but don't get me into unreasonable non-resident parent's requests, because I may suggest you take your ex out and shut him... Which is not exactly what someone in a situation similar to mine needs to hear. (But I admit, I can't contain myself!)

So the point of all that babble, and with no intention to hurt any sensitivities... Sometimes, it is difficult to identify who is who, and therefore it's easy ending up following the wrong advice for a particular situation.

And before anyone jump on me, I thank the great number of people who suggested harshly to put an end to my misery by leaving my marriage (Because I, Mongolia, at that particular time, just needed that final kick), and I'm also particularly grateful to those few ones who were still there to help me pick up the pieces and put myself together, once I did.

This has obviously got to me more than I thought as I dreamt last night that DH had slept with someone called Leigh aged 14, had snogged, played around with and slept with a neighbour conceiving her baby Emma and I yelled at him big time, all discovered after they had dumped old, broken white goods in my garden. DH has only ever been with me.

In my dream I struggled with what to do and I think that replicates the real life situation. Before something like this happens you often think you will do X but when you are married and have children it appears you would rather do A.

HBM - Take what you need from this thread but ultimately this is your life and what we post might effect us for a few days but what you do will effect you forever. Take care.