just admitted having sex with someone else

[homebirthmummy]

I've never posted before, but I really could do with, well I don't actually know what I could do with.

my husband told me 2 hours ago that 4 months ago he had sex with someone else. At his works Christmas party, with someone he works with, and has seen since (taken our 4 year old daughter out with her daughter). In fact, our daughter joined the same ballet class as her daughter under my husbands recommendation, and I've sat with her drinking coffee and chatting shit.

I don't really know the reason I'm posting, I guess I just feel really sad, angry and lonely.

HBM, WhenwillIfeelnormal posted this on the thread I was on last year - it might help understand a bit

HBM,

II have been following your thread and am pleased you have decided to give it another go with your dh.However I too would like to add a word of caution.

I am very sceptical of the "depression caused my adultery " defence. Depression is often characterised by a lack of pleasure or interest in things, lack of motivation and energy as well as loss of libido. Depressed people often have difficulties with planning, organisation and concentration. Clearly your dh was not affected by any of these things.

Whilst it is great you are trying to patch things up, I would be wary of holding his "depression" responsible for his choices. It certainly sounds however, as if he was pissed off and resentful at domesticity -, lots mental health professionals might not call that depression.

He needs fully accept responsibilty for his bad choices and blaming his actions on "depression" is not the way forward.

Good luck

Sorry, simply don't buy that, "I guess at least my H is suffering a mental illness, and she was is just being a plain bitch" argument. I know it makes it easier for you to deal with but I doubt it's the truth. I hope you do sort things out but I think there's still some denial/delusion going on here. He gets an excuse, she's painted in black and white.

Agree that the depression/ bitch excuse is bullshit btw

op is still very near the start of this, it is far from over.

A willingness to work through something like this is a big help but there is a long way to go, and a lot of poor behaviour to be confronted (on his part) and a lot of getting past feelings of betrayal and hurt (on yours, op) before they'll be able to put this behind them.

As for not "agreeing" with someone who breaks up a marriage over one affair - bullshit. If a marriage ends because of an affair it is the person who had the affair that ended it, not the poor bastard who was betrayed and couldn't get past it (for whatever reason). If you know an affair could spell the end of your marriage (and that is normally the case) and you have one anyway, then you are making a relationship-ending decision.

There is a lot of work to be done and that takes weeks/months. ATM he has his understanding of what happened and she has her understanding of what happened - in time he can and will be challenged on his beliefs and how they don't "add up". My DH convinced himself that the marriage was over and he didn't love me (with the help of the OW and in OP's case his work colleagues as well) only thing was he didn't tell me .

As I said before, it is only recently that my DH has taken full responsibility for the affair and his character flaws such as a sense of entitlement and arrogance and how that has impacted the marriage over the years. Yes I could have done things differently but the affair was totally his responsibility. From the OP's postings, it would seem that her DH is very immature and is only now having to face his responsibilities and the consequences of his actions. He has only started down this road ie arranging counselling etc. IMO it will be some time before he will fully understand the devastating effect this has had on his marriage and family. He will probably be in denial for a while shifting the blame onto depression. This is something that they will both have to address.

My DH is still coming to terms with his appalling behaviour at that time, but hopefully with this understanding it will never happen again. For a start he knows he is never to discuss our marriage with anyone apart from me and maybe a very close MALE friend - certainly not work colleagues etc. Indeed if OP's DH's work colleagues were "friends of the marriage" they would have advised him to talk to his wife about his "grievances" etc and to seek counselling. My DH is quite evangelical about this now and in his line of business people convide in him about the state of their marriages, he tells them straight now, tell your spouse the whole truth, hide nothing and seek counselling if necessary before you do anything stupid.

skidoodly - but it's not usually the person who has/had the affair who ends the marriage, is it? I tend to think that when children are involved the innocent party needs to work hard to forgive what has happened. To say 'That's it - I can never forgive the betrayal' would be egotistical and just wrong in my opinion. That's not to say that it's wrong to split eventually - but that in my opinion it shouldn't be automatic. I'm sure there will be many who will disagree with me.

Maybe I'd feel differently if dh had an affair - but after 25 years together I'd like to think that I'd give him a 2nd chance and ask myself what was wrong with our marriage for that to happen. Though that would be very different from thinking that I had done something to 'cause' him to have an affair.

HBM - sounds positive. If he does see the GP, you do go to Relate etc etc things sound hopeful. Please read the book I recommended near the beginning of the thread though and do not sleep with him until he has earnt your trust back. IYSWIM here. Take your time in this situation. But it does sound hopeful.

HBM Even if this is making hard reading...please carry on

I am not of the viewpoint that one affair destroys a marriage. If you love someone you love them enough to understand that they are human and will fail you. That failure may come in any form but it happens to many.

Whether it's a deal breaker is a personal choice. Some will assume you must be inadequate/desperate to accept a partner back after an affair. Others will think you must love him enormously or want the life you had, badly enough to put this work in. Only you will know the truth and frankly only your view matters.

It's humilating returning from an affair for you and for your partner and you will both need support and understanding. If you are driven into presenting a united happy front by fear of the 'all marriages should be perfect' attitude it will prevent you from really recovering.

Avoid a superficial recovery for the sake of others. Your old marriage is gone. Grieve for it ...but welcome a new honest marriage. It's Easter Sunday. Mark the birth!

Im glad you got the information you wanted from DH and im pleased it was of a nature that helped you to understand a bit more and of a nature that you can overcome with hard work and time. Sometimes as human beings we can gloss over details, defend people and idealise things in order to help us to deal with 'it' so be it that 'it' is perhaps a bit of a lie whereby you are dumbing down the situation in order to justify your forgiveness or to make it look like what they did wasnt so bad. Ive done it many times over the last 11 years with DH who has done some rotten things (just quite selfish and doesnt see how his actions affect the rest of us) but yet our relationship has never been as strong as it is today and we have never been so in love. Our relationship has not got boring, familiar and tired, but instead it has grown stronger and that strength is what i think would enable me to forgive an affair, and its also the strength thats made him think a bit more about how he behaves so he doesnt do anything that needs forgiveness and so I can recognise that at times its my behaviour that needs to change and sometimes my bossy nature needs to be zipped away!

"To say 'That's it - I can never forgive the betrayal' would be egotistical and just wrong in my opinion. "

I don't really see why you would bother holding an opinion on a situation you have never experienced yourself and which is none of your business when it happens to other people.

Your characterisation of the thinking process of a betrayed spouse is trite and shallow. On just this thread alone people have spoken about how such a betrayal has caused emotional breakdowns for themselves or people they love.

Like you, I would like to think that if my DH had an affair I would be able to forgive him and rebuild our marriage. I have great admiration for the many women on here who have managed to do that. However I fear that I would not be able to get past it and that it might spell the end of our marriage. That end would not be my fault. It is not fair to expect that someone will be able pull it all together when someone they love has inflicted such pain on them.

I also hope that he would forgive me if I strayed. But if he couldn't, or didn't want to, I would blame myself for ending our relationship and not him for not choosing to give it another try in the face of such a massive betrayal.

Fortyplus, having just celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary, I know 100% that a single act of infidelity by my husband would end our marriage, no ifs, buts or maybes, that would be it, finished - because he knows, and has always known, my feelings on this subject.

People are responsible for their own actions and if they know the consequences but choose to go ahead regardless of that knowledge, it is their choice to end the marriage, not the betrayed partner. Why the hell should the innocent person "work hard to forgive"?

I don't forgive betrayal, never have, never will, tbh I don't really understand people who can.

It's every perosn's duty within a marriage to confront problems and communicate honestly, no matter how painful the truth is when a marriage is in trouble, it's always better than having an affair to "make yourself feel better".

Possibly Dittany.

However it's also true that sometimes they don't think about it at all. As they're so all consumed by the affair and the attraction, lust etc. They're thinking with their not their head. If they'd thought about how hurtful it was to do it in their OWN bed, then they wouldn't be having the affair either IMO.

My husband had an affair/ still is. We're separated and I suspect he compartmentalised things and didn't think about me for a moment, let alone where he was getting it on. So to speak... Certainly his actions weren't about revenge he was just all consumed with this woman and not much else. It's not right and it hurts me all the same, but I don't think he thought about it at all or was angry or getting revenge.

But maybe that's just my husband

I can't really comment on that secnario. I just know my husband was indeed selfish but didn't think about it in that way at all. Wasn't thinking at all in fact, just totally infatuated and obsessed with the OW and thinking with his * * * * only.

However if this man is being repentant and is prepared to do everything he says, HBM should certainly do as she feels right. We'll all be here to support her eitherway.

I had an affair and had sex in my marital bed with the OM and my partner forgave me.

Its like tea says - I didn't give the location much thought. I was sleeping with another man and that was bad enough regardless of where it happened.

I think in these situations people underestimate the power and control of lust - its an extremely strong, primal driving force for a lot of people and very hard to resist as it makes you act in an irrational way.

"My wife is an evil *, she treats me horribly, I need some comfort... you're nice...oh, thanks for offering - yes please"

I agree with that the first part. My husband did make me out to be the Wicked Witch of the West to his OW. But as Denman said his lust was the driving force and not much else once the affair was in full swing. Most of the affair occurred at hers in my situation.

But I don't want to hi jack HBM's thread too much more.

dittany - since when did adultery nullify a marriage contract? Ironically non-consummation can do so, but though adultery might be grounds for divorce it does not in itself have any legal bearing on the end of the marriage.

The adulterer may have behaved in a totally unacceptable way, but not have had any intention of ending the marriage. It's then up to the innocent party to decide whether or not the marriage is worth saving... a conscious choice.

Hello HBM. I have just read the full thread and it was really great at the end to hear you being so positive. Good luck with everything. Would it make a fresh start easier for him to change jobs and possibly for you to all make the move to be closer to your family?

I am in Merseyside too btw and also don't publicly wear pyjamas!

dittany - you are right it is a form of abuse - but until it is pointed out it is not obvious.

I think the making the wife out to be the 'evil one' is common - but come on we all have a good old moan about our OH.
What happens in the affair is that instead of the ow/om supporting the marriage and seeing it for what it is - an off day or a general moan - they take sides and so it perpetuates.

If i thought everything a friend of mine was true i would tell my friend to get out of her marriage - however i know i am a sounding block and we can have a laugh about how inadequate our h's are.

Recently my h had a female work friend have a moan about her h and it actually made my h uncomfortable - he did actually think she was trying it on as she was interested in my faults too.
Fortunately my h saw how this sort of thing could and so often does spiral out of control.

It is convienient for the ow to 'believe' the wife is awful - it sort of justifies it to them.

Anyway hope you are ok and sorting some stuff out.

forty-plus - you can use adultry if it can be proved.
However if one/both the parties are unwilling to confess it can be difficult to prove and can in fact backfire - you are the jealous paranoid wife.
I think that is why not many solicitors recommend using it.

Any divorce where one party does not want to end the marriage can be a long drawn out and expensive for both parties.