Hi everyone,
Sorry for my silence and sorry if you were worrying. I needed to take some time away to think about myself etc.
This is probably going to be a really long post so prepare!!
Ok, so I left by saying they had done the unthinkable in my bed (which, to me, was worse).
So heres what has heppened.
I called the OW's husband on Wednesday? I knew I hadn't got all the info and was fed up of being drip fed info.
I left him a voicemail and he called me back.
We shared our stories and together found what was probably the truth (with the info we had).
I had been told by my DH that the infidelity happened in 2 hotels, turns out it was in our house and another house we own (we rent out but is empty at the mo).
After I got off the phone from her husband I phoned my DH to kinda shout etc.
The rest of the day I cried and felt so so angry! I smashed a few things, and boy that felt sooooo good!
In the evening, I decided I needed to see him. When he came over on Tuesday, as someone on here had said, he chose to come over so had the control. I wanted the control so I drove to his parents. It was so good to drive fast and have music on really loud! I was so angry, but I felt so powerful and in control.
When I got to his parents house his dad spotted me, which was good in a way as I could see what he knew and a) see if it was what I knew and b)tell them just what he had been up to. Surprisingly enough, his dad knew what I did which surprised me.
Anyway, DH has gone for a walk with his mum, so I called and told him to get back now type of thing. And he was shitting himself, which felt so good!! I think I had a bit of an insane smile on my face. He thought I was actually going to kill him!
Anyway, he got in the car and I drove off to find somewhere we could stop and chat. I know I did the running, but I just wanted to regain control and I needed to know what happened.
And to give him some credit, he did tell me everything.
So here it is.
After our son was born last year DH started to feel pushed out and depressed. He started to create arguments and push me away. He hid how he was actually feeling and would speak to people from his work. Due to what he was saying they would say things like 'she sounds horrible' 'you should leave her' etc.
These would sit on his mind and he would create more arguments and push me away more. All the time blaming me for how he was feeling. He was feeling worse and worse, losing his appetite and losing his confidence. My DH was always the life and soul, he was so so funny and would do anything to make people happy. This all went away and he slipped further and further.
So by December he was not in a good place. I have to say I didn't notice, I thought he was being an arse, but with a toddler and new born baby (who was terrible at sleeping and really clingy)and how he hid things from me and pushed me away, I'm not surprised I didn't notice.
So he had been texting that woman. it started as friends and became a bit flirty. She was not happy with her husband (and I actually think she is in love with my husband). So I guess they both got a confidence boost out of the flirting.
Ok, back to December, it was the works xmas night out and they had been flirting and then she kissed him.
At that point that was all it was. They started texting a lot from there, 1000 texts a month! xmas day, etc etc.
When I spoke to her husband, he was telling me that on New Years eve the whole family was in the garden lighting candles and Chinese lanterns as his dad had just died and his brother has been raided at his home by 4 masked raiders. Anyway, whilst this was happening, she was inside texting my DH. Thing like I love you etc. (A little off the point there!)
So, I went away in January and he went on a work night out and well that was time number one, time number 2 after another work night out.
All this time me and DH were more distant and he felt worse, but these texts etc would give him a 5 sec boost.
So In Feb, her husband was becoming suspicious with all the texts. So one day he followed her up the stairs and saw her deleting lots of messages. That night when she was asleep he looked at her phone and saw that she had sent a text to a lady saying 'i love you' (why delete all the other sent/received messages except that, unless you want to be found out?)
He wrote the number down and called it the next day. A man answered and he hung up. He confronted her and she said thy had been texting and kissed once. He then text my DH and said stop texting.
As far as he was concerned it ended there.
He then found out a month later that they has slept together.
In fact, they had stopped texting, but instead were emailing. He was using his work email, and she was using a friends work email. This was going on till last Friday.
All the time my DH is thinking that he loves her and wants to leave me and it'll be ok as he could see the kids 2 days a week etc etc.
So last Friday her husband finds out that they slept together. She confessed to a friend who was his friend (again, I think she knew he would be told). And that was that.
On Monday my DH gets a call from a friend to say her husband is going to come and tell me all. So H fesses up. Well, partly.
He has since told me, that the moment he told me he felt as if a dark cloud lifted and he saw clearly for the first time in months (i know some will be skeptical, but read on!)
So you know the rest, I was drip fed info over the next 2 days. He actually had made himself believe that he was justified in doing that.
So, back to Wednesday. And he told me all.
It was a lot to take in. But I could really see that he was totally devastated and shocked by his own behaviour. He looked to weak and pathetic and it was a shock as that wasn't my old husband.
So I left and had a lot to think about. He was coming on Thursday to see the kids.
So he arrived 7am the next morning and he was a wreck. I think he was so shocked by his own thoughts over the last year, especially the last 6 months. He was disgusted for thinking he would be happy seeing the kids etc for 2 days a week.
He told me a knew bed was being delivered the day after, he had cancelled his phone contract (cost £600!), had cancelled his email, made an appointment for STI test, made enquiries at relate and lots of other things.
But looking at him on Thursday was an eye opener. He clearly was suffering from depression. I've worked with mental illness and it was so very clear to see. I cant believe I didn't see it earlier! He had lost 3 stone! Who doesn't notice that.
I could see he was just appalled by what he had done and that he does love me. But my anger and hurt had been overtaken by worry for him. I can not believe he could have been suffering for so long. I mean, he his it from me, blamed me, created arguments and had a warped sense of reality.
He found a counsellor and got an appointment which was yesterday.
So yes, he has sever depression and anxiety.
Although this doesn't excuse what he did, it makes sense of why he did it.
And because of that I think we can work through it. I know it will be hard, and there are lots of things to work through. But I know my old DH is still there deep down trying to get out. I know when my old H is back we will have a deeper and better relationship. In some ways I feel that if he didn't have an affair, our relationship would have ended. And he wouldn't be getting the help he needs.
He is going to the doctors on Tuesday (damn bank holiday) to see if he needs some antidepressants.
Just to add also, nothing happened in front of the kids. I actually misread his message, I can't be blamed, I was crying so much I couldn't see!
On a side note, after I found out everything I let the OW's husband know. That night, when I was out, my sister answered the phone to a lady, and guess who it was!! The next day, I had a ream of messages from her, 'if you want to know the truth ask me' etc etc. I said that unless she has something to actually say to me, i suggests she leaves me alone. and you'll never guess what she said, 'i'll leave you alone when you leave my husband alone'!! I mean, can you believe it!!
She had told her husband all she wanted and her husband wanted to make things work, and all she had to say was she'd think about it. So by me giving him the facts he had the power and she hates it! I think she really thought my DH would leave me, and if he didn't, she thought her DH would beg her to stay, which he isn't now!
I guess at least my H is suffering a mental illness, and she was is just being a plain bitch.
Anyway, I think that's about it!
I just want to thank all of you for your comments and support. There has been so much good advice, but also I really needed people to be angry with me and I thank you all for that too!!
I know it has been tough for some of you as I've bought up lots of memories, but I really appreciate that you have given me tips and advice.
I know the road will be long and hard, but as you probably guess when I continued to move the goal posts of what I could deal with and what I couldn't, I love him so much and can't bear to be apart from him. Thankfully for me, he loves me too and together we can get my old husband back.
xxxx