ALL NEW Road to Recovery for the Recently Ditched No3

[startingovernow]

Dearly Be-Chucked, we are gathered here today because, for whatever reason, our man has dumped us!

Hi Maybees, my ds is 4 & dd is 3 also . Great fun at those ages. I get the constant barrage of questions too . It gets even worse as they get older, my older dd asks the weirdest questions....

Will be thinking of you tomorrow night.

Ifyourhappy, what a question to ask.........Is minding young dc's 24/7 not work????????? . Only joking, knew what you meant but couldn't resist .

sorry

I meant working in and out of home.

Just occurred to me that I don't think I've seen people talking about going out to work for a long time. I know you talk about college work Starting but some of the old crew used to talk about work meetings I think and they've gone now....... just wondering......

Ifyourhappy, I was only joking, I can never resist when an opportunity presents .

I knew what you meant & it does seem like most of the posters are sahm's. Your on your own leading the field of dumplings in the workforce . Have a great work jaunt tomorrow..........

Needing help with my energies Mumfun maybe catch up 2morrow.Only can have H around if he doesnt drain my positivity.
Also can you protect your energy when forced to deal with everyday negative situations?

ps Did the whole pre school S Club 7 Reach For The Stars dance routine in the garden this morning(still in my pjs) with about 20 sheep watching me

Just did an online Chakra test,fascinating.Some are open some are under active need to do some chanting nite nite x

startingovernow - if he did come back and say he'd ditched her. I wouldn't feel comfortable with him moving in just yet. He knows that. As words alone would be meaningless after all the lies, I need to see observable change, evidence the affair is over and over time we could try and rebuild trust. But I've created a very stable home for my LO's now, they're so young and they need stability. Last year there was so much tension and sometimes open conflict they're much happier now, I don't want to rock the boat. Does that make sense? So unless I'm 100% sure that he's in it for the long haul and is really making an effort etc the last thing I'd want to do is let him move back in and then hurt me and the kids all over again. I've worked hard to build a stable home for them, I don't want to un do any of it.

Have a nice day at work ifyourhappyandyouknowit. I'm considering doing a degree in Sept. I'm only qualified to an A Level standard and quite fancy the idea of doing something for myself. I used to work in financial services before kids but I want to do a career I will enjoy once the kids are a teeny bit older and I love working with babies and mums etc. Used to volunteer at a coffee morning for new mums before I had my second child. What do you guys think. I'm thinking either midwifery or social work. Give me pros and cons to each. Both careers are rewarding although stressful in their own ways too.

Good luck with your big talk tonight Maybees, if your H could read your lovely posts he'd realise even more what he's missing.

That sounds so lovely......20 sheep watching your reach for the stars dance routine, I'll probably have that song in my head all day now !

Hi Maybees, protecting energies sounds good to me too. Where did you do chakra test? Can you post link? I'd gladly take all help . Feel down again today, grief around exh & deaths . I think I'm about to turn another corner with this though . No pain, no gain.

I could probably do with a bit of dancing to the sheep thing at the moment .

Hi Tea, you sound v together . I'm glad to hear you've got a plan & that you're going to put you & dc's first.

Oh God, I feel really really sad. I'm sad for the waste of my marriage & for what......exh chasing the buzz/addiction etc. He threw us away for nothing, all this pain for what?? My poor dc's born into this fu*ked up situation. I know I've just hit another bump in the road to recovery & I know I'll be better when I come through this.

Hi Starting will try my best re link also need to do a" Happy "hover thingy .Think this is going to be my new thing looking after my
energy bit of fun with crystals and things but all about my healing.

Big hugs to you today ,so emotional for you yesterday to do a family day ,must be really tough mate .All adds up with dcs being a bit hyper,hopefully you can have a little quiet spell 2day,even lying down on the floor and concentrate on your breathing.Feel your breath getting longer ,slower and deeper(ooo -er missus sorry concentrate maybees)in thru your nose and out thru your mouth try 10 or 20 mins arms floppy by your side ankles relaxed .x

Prob school run time 4u so maybe try that after dcs in bed .Bend your knees up and roll onto your side to stand up after relaxation ,to take care of lower back.

If you can make a sound on the out breath it really helps the calming(called oo j ae breathing not the right spelling i'm sure )You make the sound at the back of your soft palate where the air from your nose goes into your mouth.Anyway sounds a bit like Darth Vader or heavy relaxed breath that might lead to a snore .Anybody out their to back me up ,explain better ?

Totally agree with H addiction crap .FFS youre a Dada youve got a job to do etc etc etc.
Think tonight 4 me is -see if we can be in the same room talking about our marriage without H getting abusive and calling me a f*cking weirdo !I wonder whether I have more serenity in my life or just general indifference re H .I can shut my eyes and see a short film of my life that scares the shit out of me ,so still need my space to heal.Just dont know how you regain the trust and respect that you thought you had after all the "Sneaky Fucker "behaviour.All about getting us both more positive for the kids. Better parents if we are firing on all cylinders .Both need to break the negative cycles.
Totally understand what you mean Tea about not upsetting the stable home you have created since H left.
Think that is why kids dance show quite symbolic for me,wee ones went up on the stage bags of confidence even though Dada is away from us just now.
Thankyou so much Smarties ,ur message really made my morning

www.eclecticenergies.com

Home page for Chakra test

Sorry not been on since yesterday, just wanted to thank you for your kind words and encouragement.

Maybees- I hope you're doing ok with your H. It must be very hard

DS is out again tonight, my lounge carpet is still damp and I'm not very well . Coughin and wheezing and ate very little from lunch yesterday until tea time today. Feeling better stomach-wise but not sure how I will sleep with the wheezing so am going to go to bed stupidly early while I can. I had very little patience wtih DS last night and he's getting very clingy so I need to give him some good positive attention!

Been Reading some more of my toxic parents book. Every chapter seems to bring up some new revelation for me, particularly about why I have acted certain ways with H. I don't know if that will ever make him come back but if I can work on those things then I at least have a chance of a positive relationship in the future.

No internet tonight so I'm typing badly on my phone!

Hope you're all doing well!

Hi everyone

Sorry Chairmum your not so well. Hope you get better soon and your heating sorts out the damp. DD and I not so well today - biut we dont have quite the damp to face

Starting - not surprising youve hit a blip. So tough. Your poor mum too. A lot of loss to deal with - but as you say you are much stronger now. Hard to feel your H was so destructive - but mine hit a kind of madness - yours in a different way. It just wasnt sane behaviour so I kind of think of him as a bit ill at the time (but still responsible with choices!)

MB - hope your H meet goes well. Im beginning to get a regretful(tho still blaming) H so discussions are interesting. BUt hes all over the shop so who knows. Love dancing with the sheep. Dancing and singing are really good mood helps. Got best reaction out of DD (age4) recently when had her cuddled on knee and sang Silent Night - she just wanted it again and again (know its the wrong season) but whatever. One time when H didnt turn up on time for them and they were upset we sang Favourite Things from Sound of Music and it really helped!

Will do chakra test - my energy theories are kind of personal observation not from anywhere so glad to gen up a bit more. Yes my H exhausts me but you know its because they are all over the place . Really hard to protect I think - thats why another board Im on says go no contact as much as you can. It lets them get their head together , youre not chasing them and you protect yourself- and let yourself get more fabulous quicker.

And yes -thinking what Ill do when DD goes to school in September. I do work at home a bit at present. Will keep that business going but do fancy some other kind of work -maybe a bit of the profession I used to be in. One thing I do fancy recently is being a radiographer - one mum at school is and I think its fascinating - found my baby scans really amazing. You have to do 3 year degree here but they do take mature candidates here - and often you get fees paid and bursary because they really need more - and then there are lots of jobs even round the world. Hmmm think about it - maybe a bit much away from DCs -but do fancy a new challenge.

Teaand I know that I too, have created happy home for us -and not going to risk that either. I really am annoyed by your H going away to decide. Not sure what it says in Just Good Friends book about that - but look after yourself and remember TBH he doesnt deserve you - youve been a saint to him.

Hope things passable for all newbies and that you can do some nice things for yourself as Ive found that really helps -great music, books, a dance or too, beauty treatment, great walk start to become more important to you and you get more and more pleasure out of them!

Ok pretty much as I expected .Thought to myself I'll just see where it goes open mind really thought I would give him a chance if he wanted to give it another go but step by step .
Basically alcohol abuse,drug abuse ,dv,verbal abuse has nothing to do with the breakdown of a marriage.
It is all to do with my bad temper,I caused it all single handed and im a much better person living on my own so he doesnt want to upset our happy home.

What a complete tosser !

I am completly heartbroken but really really fucking angry these are angry tears now.He is going to make our lives hell cos he is a bastard but fuck it better to come from a broken home than live in one NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER return to an abusive man they will end up killing you.I have to look at this as a lucky escape.He is severely fucked up in the head .Very good looking that is why I stayed how sad is that he was just used to getting away with things cos he was a cheeky good looking guy,everybody thinks he is such a nice guy .Years of dv - always so ashamed never been able to tell anyone cos I still loved him.

Hi all

Can I join as well please? I've just had a massive meltdown (my H is moving out next weekend) and been through 2 packets of tissues but think I needed it. Been bottling things up for a few weeks.

Haven't had time to read through all the rest of the thread but hope everyone is OK, have had a quick look at the last few posts and maybees, for what it's worth, you are being so brave. And remember that 2 women a WEEK die as a result of DV - don't become a horrible statistic.

As one lovely wise friend keeps telling me, if you can get through today you can get through tomorrow. And at least tomorrow isn't Monday!

Thanks honey x

Hope your "talk" is going ok maybees, I wonder if you still fancy your H ? I think it makes it all a million times harder if you do.

Starting, your probably shattered from yesterday (sunday). When my DC were little they used to behave so badly at my parents house and I was filled with embarassment and anger and frustration and felt mentally bruised and the next was spent just getting over it. It made me so emotional and i was still with and very happy with H.
Must be so much harder when you don't have an H to support you when the DC are small.
My H left when my DC were older than yours, I don't think I could have coped if he'd gone when they were little. I really take my hat off to all of you managing with small DC and twunts at the same time, it's so much more than any woman should have to cope with.

BIG RESPECT to you all.

Going to bed now cos MN is making me fat and tired as I sit here having some lovely "me time" while eating choc, cheese, biscuits, more choc and before I know it it's about one in the morning. It's got to stop !

Night all x

Hi Maybees, I've had a really busy day & just sitting down now. I'm so so sorry to hear how things went with your H. Sending you warmest wishes of strenght & courage. I'm really sorry to hear you had the dv too . I didn't tell anyone cause I still loved H too & knew if I said anything that would mean no going back .

My exh was always prone to bullying behaviour & at times lost it & threw things etc.. However it was only at the v end when I ended the marriage that he became v violent. He was violent because he didn't want me to end it but like your H was incapable of taking responsibility. I had no choice to end it as he was in complete addiction & I knew it would start to get v messy & dc's would start to become affected.

When I involved police it was like throwing petrol on a fire. Exh became extremely dangerous, that is why police have come down so hard on exh. The first court case (which I didn't have to attend) gave him 6mts probation, the 2nd one (that I'd to go to in Dec) gave him 6mts suspended sentence & on Fri morn I was issued a summons to attend as witness for police in May 3 counts of assalt & 1 of criminal damage . This is where it's all ended up. Count your blessings Maybees, unless your H gets serious help there is no hope. The above all happened to me in a 3mt period while I was waiting to have H removed from house under court order.

Maybees, thanks for the link, will check it out later. I already practice medatation etc & have learnt a lot of tricks in my counselling training & my own counselling for breathing into feelings etc..

Hi Chairmum, hope you get a good nights sleep. I did the toxic parents book years ago, bring all that stuff to counselling too as it's heavy going alone. Also remember whatever happened in your marriage was not solely your responsibility.

Hi Mumfun, thanks. My H is deffinately v mentally unwell. In fact am in court in 10days & will be requesting a psychiatric assessment! The radiographer training sounds like a great idea. To be honest, I stopped working after last dc & have outgrown my career at this stage, going back to college has been a life saver.

Hi Maggie, sorry to hear what's happening for you. Post away here, rant, rave, whatever helps........

Hi Pink, thank you for your kind words of support.

Thanks for sharing Startin' Got counselling next week so just need to start dealing with it then.He is a bully,he feels no remorse ,that is why at the start I knew this was my chance to escape that is why people cant understand why I am so happy when I have split with H ,answer is I feel safe .

Bloody hell Maybees, I didn't know there was dv. Isn't it funny how I just said I wondered if you still fancy him and in the meantime you wrote that he's very good looking. There's nothing stronger than sexual attraction. It's really amazing that the fancying someone is such a huge part of loving them. I still fancy mine unfortunately, and that's why Im so permenately devastated I suppose. If I didn't then i prob wouldn't give a shit. It sounds very shallow but its true (for me). I used to watch him sleeping cos he was so gorgeous. Fucking twunt. Yours is such an effing twunt too, he might be handsome but he has an ugly character, if you don't mind me saying.

see you all tomorow. xxx

Hi Maybees, am so so sorry to hear that but glad your feeling positive. My exh had desperate remorse up until he cracked at v end . The remorse only makes it harder to leave. I loved exh so much, I was completely heartbroken & I think that came back to me today which is why I felt so down.

Managed to fit in a visit to counsellor today inbetween all dc's activities. There was no magic wand (as I knew there wouldn't be), but he helped point me in right direction. Really really found today one of the hardest days I've had in a long time. I brought younger two dc's to park in afternoon while eldest was doing an activity & had to do a lot of breathing excercises! Visited FIL on way home & my wedding pic was taken down . Last time I was there FIL told me he had a bad arguement with exh because exh wanted pic off wall & FIL threw him out in end. Obviously exh took it down himself. Fu*king twat, he could have left it there, it's not like he even calls to see FIL that often!

I know from past exp that when I go through a bad patch like this it usually pushes me forward so I'll have that to look forward to.