ALL NEW Road to Recovery for the Recently Ditched No3

[startingovernow]

Dearly Be-Chucked, we are gathered here today because, for whatever reason, our man has dumped us!

Hey Startingover - have just done that fb thing, not sure which pic may be you. If you search my name I'm the one with the curly headed boy (and the only one of two search results with a pic)

Rather the worse for wine now. Going to have my first proper sleep/lie in for nearly a year...!

Hi Mavis, you so deserve to relax with a tipple & the lie in is well overdue...........enjoy. My only saving grace is that mine are old enough that I generally leave them fend for themselves on Sun morn .

Will do my best on the fb thing........

Mavis, just found you & sent request. Major achievement, first search!!

Ok, am more than embarrassed to be posting this & I am obviously the only one burning the midnight oil. These are not drunken ramblings as the only thing I am sipping is Camomile tea!

Here goes, I feel v ashamed of having gone back to puppy. We have sweet fe&k all in common, I do not fancy him, there is no chemistry but the fact he is so nice, I have known him for years, I trust him 100%, he makes no demands & the s*x was great clouded my judgement. I'm only saw him twice but I don't it's for me so now I'm left with the task of filling him in as humanely as possible. Why, did I think it was a good idea?? Does anyone think I'll regret giving this up??

Hi everyone.

Welcome teaandcakes. Its your Hs behaviour that is pathetic - nothing to do with you. Hope this thread helps!

Starting. Its right that you think if Puppy is the right thing for you. He does know the score so I think you can end it when you feel it right. He could do the same. I dont think it would be for me but Im not you. Im sure you wouldnt do this but dont miss a 'right' person coming along because your energy was going towards relationship with him. Im a bit into energies at the moment -can you tell

Welcome back Mavis - glad youre getting a lie in

Have lovely Mothers Days. H has the kids. Offered to take me out with them but I said no - may have been a mistake but just not into playing happy families when he wont give up OW. Did I do the right thing? Felt Friday was my M's day as kids brought me gorgeosus stuff they made home from school. DD said Ive made you a flower that will last for every Mummy - you can keep it forever. And I will

Ifyourehappyandyouknowit - I am reading that book. Saw it recommended on a thread for someone else and bought it on Amazon. It is very good. My hubby has been flicking through it when here visiting kids, but as you can see from my other thread, he can't choose between us Gaahhh!

He's supposed to be coming by later to give me a card today and play with kids.

He's then going away until next Sat tonight, to stay with his mum who works in Switzerland, he doesn't want me to contact him whilst there, as he says he's going to use the peace there to finally make a decision on me or her

Happy Mothers Day ladies x

Hi all,just a quick post to say both fri and sat shows jammed full of fabulosity.So much glitter and glamour!
Didnt get home til 11pm both nites so straight to bed .Startin thanks so much for your best wishes really lovely to read your message b4 kids went on stage.
Big hugs!
Have a chilled one today my thoughts are with your family ,.
Speak soon,
Take it Easy x

Hi all

Welcome back Mavis! We seem to be a growing merry(ish) band at the moment. Sounds like you've had a good time this weekend - I love shopping! it is something I excel at! (Missing Beauty's boot posts).

Starting - on the Puppy front I think you have to go with your gut. And I think your gut is telling you to stop it.

Maybees - glad you enjoyed the shows. With two DS's and no DD's I am jealous of all of the glitter. My home is full of male hormones and the odd teenage girl with full make up who looks about 25.

Teaandcake - hope all gets better for you. As the book says (if I've interpreted it right) he's going to need to be very open with you if he gives her up and open his window! (I like the walls and windows bits). How would you feel about having him back?

Anyone read the Female Brain BTW? - another good read I think.

P.S. was woken by retching cat - nice start to today!

Thank you fellow dumplings for not slating me on the puppy front. I'm not going to beat myself up about it as I've had such a crap few years. I deserve better than puppy. I either want to be on my own with dc's or meet someone that I do fancy. I think puppy was just a safe bet! It probabely is also due to feeling I've had no sex life for most of my 30's due to what I thought was exh's age/addiction probs! It's prob in part trying to make up for lost opportunity & also maybe a slight fear of never again having a sex life . And yet the thought of never again having a relationship wouldn't worry me in the least!

Mumfun, I also firmly believe in energies & in fact had mentioned this in a post pre-puppy, that I was worried about the effect of negative energies being associated with this path. You did the right thing in not playing happy families with H & kids, you'd only feel crap afterwards when there is OW.

Teaandcakes, maybe you should try to organise a bit of counselling or support for yourself. It sounds like your H has all the power, maybe try & take your own power back. It seems like he has the choice between you or OW. Maybe you should take that choice off the table for now. If your h really wants a life with you he will show you that. As it is it sounds like he's having the best of both worlds.

Maybees, glad you had such fun with dc's. Have a great day today.

Ifyourhappy, have a great day .

Waves to all...........

teaandcakes - as someone who has been left well and truly dangling by her H, taking some control has really helped.

I asked him to move out and since he has I have been able to look at things more closely. We haven't been spending time together and I have realised that I wasn't happy with things either. Its given me some power back to realise that actually the choice is mine too, and that maybe I would be better off without him.

I would try to get him to take the DCs out when he sees them so you can get some time to yourself. From experience, trying to play happy families just makes things worse, and confuses everyone.

startingover - don't feel bad about puppy - you need to do what feels right, and you haven't been leading him on as far as I can see. If you're ready to move on, then do so!

We had a bit of a stressful lunch as DS is very very clingy after his day away, and ate pretty much nothing. I'm not making a fuss about it at the moment though.

H sent me an email this afternoon trying to explain stuff that I had asked him about some time ago. I've replied to him and feel like I've been open and level headed about it - and at least now he knows that I'm no longer desperate to get him back, that I have a clearer view of how things were between us. I'm focussing on me now, and he's going to have to deal with that, rather than feeling sorry for himself (which he seems to be). He's still not taking responsibility for himself (Full of 'I don't see how I could have done XYZ when you were like ABC' where I have tried to take a stance of 'yes, that was wrong of me but all I can do now is acknowledge and work towards changing') but he seems utterly lost, and very selfish right now. Its quite sad really, but he didn't affect me anywhere near as much as he would have a week ago.

Anti-depressants and space are wonderful things

Can I join please? My OH has broken up with me today. He really knows how to pick his moment! So I am at my mum's house with our LO wondering what the hell to do next.

ChairmumMiaowGoingItAlone - he doesn't live with me. I moved out in October, chose to do so as I'd had enough. My link to my thread on my whole sorry story goes into more detail. Your H sounds like mine Mine still keeps talking about all the things I've done and not taking accountability for his actions on the affair.

Reddaisy - I've only been a member for 24 hours but I am sure you are more than welcome to join this merry group of dumplings

I'm so sorry to hear your news, what a cr*p day to choose. What a rotter!

Hi everyone, can I join in too?
Last week for the first time since my H left me for OW in October I was able to sit next to him at a school event and not go into melt down. I actually had a grown up conversation with him. I am so proud of myself. I feel like I'm getting me back or a new improved version of me. Also a couple of friends said how fabulous I looked, right in front of him too. What a boost for shattered confidence.

Partytime - Welcome welcome! I am most impressed. I've also been separated since October too, I'm still in limbo as he won't choose but if I'd been in your situation, I still think I'd want to give him a piece of my mind Good for you and for looking fab. I've done a lot of retail therapy since separation

Teaandcake - retail therapy me too, but I've had to, I lost almost two stone due to the stress of it all, nothing fits me. Also I made my ExH choose between me and OW, I lived with him for 3 weeks after I found out about them while he decided what HE wanted, the worst 3 weeks of my life. I am still very sad and hurt, the anger does make an appearance now and then, but I am trying to start enjoying life again.

teaandcake - I assumed you lived separately - I was trying to say that it was the space that gave me the strength to realise that it wasn't all down to me and that I didn't know if I wanted him back any more. I feel stronger knowing that he knows he won't just get any easy return if he wants to go back. Its not just about what he wants any more.

I also see you're not sure about leaving him alone with your DCs, which makes space to yourself hard. Whatever else my H does he does love DS and doesn't have a temper or anything. It does look to me like you're doing what I was with H and letting him back in to the family when he wants. I'm finding it easier to keep things separate, but obviously that's hard when you don't want him to take the DCs away.

Your situation is harder because all of H's unreasonable behaviour is aimed at me - I have no real concerns about him and DS.

Hello everyone and Happy Mother's Day to you all.

Got lovely cards and flowers from DC so very happy with that. Just back from taking good friend out for lunch. She gets nothing from her DS so I do know how fortunate I am though I have been dropping hints all week !

maybees I related so well to some of your posts the other day about asking H for his opinions etc and then regretting it, can't remember exactly what you said but it was exactly how I had felt.

You exprssesd it so well, much better than I ever could.

Really sorry about your brother starting, that sounds so sad.
I'm sure you're doing the right thing re puppy, he sounds like a nice companion though but maybee that's not what you want. I don't understand how the s*x can be great with someone you don't fancy though.?

teaandcake really sorry about what you're going through But I did feel a surge of rage that that he's gone to Switzerland to choose between you and OW. I'd be very tempted to send him a little text telling him to shove his dissision where the sun dont shine and I'd also be tempted to change the locks too.

He really isn't deserving of the patience and consideration that you're giving him.
Read what starting said and then read it again and again.

Red Daisy, really sorry, you are in the right place however. A place full of love and support and humour.

Hello mavis, mumfun, ifyourhappy (love that clever thing you did with your name), chaimum and everyone else.

What amazing weather today ! Just for us x

Afternoon all. Nice to see some new faces (not literally of course. There don't seem to be many profile pictures within our group!) although sad, partytime and reddaisy, to hear that you've split up/are splitting up with your partners.

Seems to me that the onset of Spring is bringing many to this thread (not quite sure what that means!) and I also notice that lots of people seem to have split up or had problems in October, which is roughly when I split from BE (that's Bald Eagle for any newbies).

Anyway, glad to hear that most of you are having an OK mother's day. I was moved to tears when DS presented me with a card and TWO presents this morning. So much more that I would have got if XH was here - shows I think that perhaps the DC's are more aware of the cr** than I assume at times.

Reddaisy, keep talking us as your situation evolves - we're experienced in these matters!

Evening Dumplings, my nerves are fairly fraught, I'm just taking a little breather before bedtime. I don't know was it the excitment of mother's day or what but all 3 dc's nearly drove me mental today!! It's been a day of tears & fighting among dc's, I'm worn out. I'd forgotten they were the same last year for some reason. I think eldest dd was trying too hard to give me a perfect day & winding other two up. I've had to plaster a smile on my face, pray & count to 10 pretty much all day!!

My poor mother was v emotional today, she also lost her only sister v tragically 6 wks before my brother died (only 48 so sadly missed). It's nice to be able to take these opportunities to be together & grieve their loss though.

Hi Chairmum, really great to hear your doing so well . You're right, I've always been completely open & honest with puppy so I shouldn't feel bad about this.

Hi Red, what a crap thing to happen today of all days! Hope you find some support & comfort here.

Hi Partytime, welcome aboard. Love the idea of getting a new improved version of yourself back . Congrads on the 2st loss, not the nicest of ways for it to happen but at least I'm sure it's given your confidence a great boost .

Hi Tea, my own experience is that if they can't take responsibility for their own actions it's a complete waste of time. There'll be no change unless they do . Hope you've managed to have a nice day.

Hi Pink, great to hear from you again. Glad your dc's looked after you today & that you got to go for lunch with your friend. It amazes me too that the s*x was so good with puppy! My counsellor said it's prob cause I'm so in touch with myself . I think that's what drew me back in though !

Hi Ifyourhappy, so glad to hear you dc's gave you the recognition you deserve . It was the end of Sept both times I split with exh & Oct for as many years as I can remember back was always filled with twuntish behaviour! Must be something in the moon??

Just popped on chipmonk dvd & thank the lord above dc's have calmed down........Roll on bedtime.

startingovernow - I am on a waiting list for counselling, took me ages to pluck up nerve to book myself in tbh. Hated the thought of it but realised I need someone to talk to about it all, as sometimes with my surging emotions, my little ones get the brunt of it, by me over reacting to situations that aren't exactly out of the norm IYSWIM.

Sorry missed that bit earlier in your previous post.

ChairmumMiaowGoingItAlone - He's becoming much better since he began anti depressants 4 weeks ago. More stable with kids and calm. Hence him having private counselling right now, as he basically (as far as I can see it) couldn't cope last year and with the birth of our second child 17 months after our first (unplanned, bless him) and he also had horrendous colic and screamed for 3 hours a night for 10 weeks and a very stressed wife and jealous toddler and we had relocated for his job literally months before, which wasn't as good as he hoped and he/ we were lonely there and he hated job etc it all tipped him over the edge. His erratic behaviour, lies etc all accelerated with this horrible combination. I had no idea he was struggling with life in general, as he had always been rubbish at sharing his feelings/ thoughts etc with me

In stressful situations I just get crosser (sp?) more easily etc. Whereas my hubby just runs away (not literally) and begins an affair . Still makes me cross thinking about it. The affair began when my son was 4 weeks old.

I booked an appointment at solicitor and became very strict on visiting times etc mid February as I'd had enough after months of him still behaving erratically, not answering any questions on affair etc.

This going away for a week is frustrating but I'm praying for peace. (I'm a church goer ). If he does finally make a choice, that will be good for me and give me closure and help me move on. I've been pressuring him for weeks since, he confessed the affair had never ended.

startingovernow - I'm so sorry to hear about all the sad news in your family Must've been a hard day.

Realised my whole post was all about me me me!

Hope you can put your feet up soon with a large glass of wine or something similar. What's your poison?

My LO's are both in bed now! PHEW!

Hi Tea & Cakes, don't apologise for your post, most of mine are about me, me, me...The more you post, the more people get to know you & the more support you can get . So glad to hear that you are booked for counselling, it will give you the support you need & I really feel it does help us to not lash out on poor dc's. It also gives you impartial advice which is hard to get from RL friends or family.

Dont be ashamed of being a church goer, if you have some place that offers comfort & support that is fantastic. I'm not a church goes but I have a v strong faith & it has been such a huge help to me this past two years. I also find great comfort in visiting a church to light candles, pray etc..

You may find that H decides he wants to come back at the end of the week but when it comes to it you might not be able to forgive his past trangressions! I wouldn't allow him to move back in until you've had time to get a bit of counselling behind you. You need to be true to yourself here. Some people are able to forgive an affair if the straying partner immediately takes full responsibility & does everything in their power to put things right. On the other hand when a partner behaves like yours has done you might find even if you can forgive the affair that further down the line you become very angry & bitter for how he behaved in the aftermath. Don't mean to cause you further distress, just want to point out that you need to give yourself time & space here regardless of what your H decides.

Thanks for your sympathies re my families losses. It's been a v sad time (what with exh aswell) but I have to say, I've become far stonger & cherish my blessings more such as healthy dc's etc....

My only poison is a cuppa & ciggs!

Dc's all bathed & asleep tg. Lunches made & house sorted!

Tea & Cakes, sorry didn't mean that to sound like you shouldn't take H back as only you will know what's the right decision for you. Just meant to point out that it's not all H's decision, you've got a say here too..

Kids in bed huge fuss about big spiders ,out of bed again , come thru and ask questions like"why do we have windows?" "why do we have walls?"" why do we have bottoms ?"masses of giggles and run back to bed again .ds 4yo dd3yo

Anyway pretty strange time for me just now having "Big talk " with H regarding seperation 2morrow nite.So much has changed since Nov. 1st 2009.Even in my darkest days I felt the split had happened for a reason and this was my chance of freedom.Basically when we had kids my wings got clipped and his grew stronger IYSWIM.He started going to the pub to unwind everyday and basically that slowly turned me into a resentful bitch after 4 yrs.He said he worked hard and deserved it .Never in a pub b4 we had kids .Anyway drinking became excessive ,relationship abusive and we split nov last year .It has taken til a month ago b4 we saw even reasonable communication.He now wants to talk .He misses the kids desperately.He said once in Nov when lies and secrets started emerging that he had been so cruel to me and he always knew that he should have been treating me better.This is the part I get stuck on.If he knew then why did he keep doing it?Because he thought he could. So boundaries all the way for me.Have always tried to go with my gut here and now that I am a" kick ass zero tolerance twunt radar operating ninja dumpling " I cant accept anything less than A grade loving .

Anyway no harm in talking ,

Big hugs to all new dumplings !

Regaining your fabulosity is the number one aim of this thread !

Remember "Chin up ,Tits out!" everyday when you leave the house x

ps Away for my lavender bath now

mm Lavender bath yummy.

Early night for me - off on work jaunt tomorrow - is anyone else mostly working?