DH wants me to have a termination. . .

[pollywollywoowah]

. . . but I don't.

Just found out that I'm pg with DC3 after taking morning after pill. (We have DS age3 and DD 18mths and had not planned to have any more). We did discuss the possibility of the pill not working and both said termination wouldn't be an option for us.

However I told him last night that I'd done a pos pregnancy test and to cut a long story short he basically wants me to have an abortion. He says we are not good enough parents to cope with three children, we've just got our lives back on track after DD being born and I had a very hard time bonding with DD which was a horrible time.

I feel totally shocked and let down. I knew he wouldn't be at all pleased but expected him to feel like me - that it wasn't what we planned and far from ideal but we'd get through it and stick together and take responsibility for our actions. He thinks our relationship won't survive.

How can this ever be resolved? I can see his point - we need a bigger house and car, I wouldn't be able to go back to work so money would be very tight BUT I feel in my heart that those problems can be overcome one way or another.

I should mention we had two losses prior to DS being born so how can I possibly now terminate this pregnancy just because it is inconvenient?

totally agree with Clarissimo, great post.

Oh Polly, I also feel very for you - what a situation. I agree with the posters that advocate taking yourself away for a while so that you are able to work out how you feel. I know that you said much earlier that you wanted a joint decision but it sounds like your H has removed that option by shouting and blaming you (you are "making" him not love you any more? WTF?? ), so you must decide what is best for you. You must allow yourself the time to sort out your own mind and not be pushed towards a quick private abortion. If he is that worried about your mental health then he should see that it is sensible to be sure of your decision.

Best wishes.

'He just wants to maintain the status quo really' ... well if you have the termination, you won't be maintaining the status quo. You could possibly feel dreadful afterwards and it will be every bit as stressful as after your DD was born. I've seen it happen .

Oh boy, he really does not want this baby, does he? Unfortunately with his behaviour he has turned it into a battle of wills, with on person 'winning' and also increasing the chances of you having emotional problems after a termination bc you may feel you were 'forced' into it.

It doesn't sound like he is going to budge, so I guess what it really comes down to is do you want this baby even though there is a very real chance that you may no longer have a husband if you do? It's an impossible situation.

The situation also comes down to whether you are prepared to end a pregnancy you would like to continue in attempt to keep a husband who bullies you when you are vulnerable to get his own way.

I don't really have anything helpful to add, other poster have said it all so well and so eloquently already. I just wanted to add my voice in support of whatever YOU decide to do.

So sorry you are in this situation.

I think someone else has already pointed this out and I think it is important to remember - you are not choosing between having a baby and "happy ever after" with your dh - the damage has already been done and I think it will be very difficult for you to go back to the way things were if you have a termination for his sake rather than because its what you want.

The crux of the situation now is that you have to look to the future, would you find it easier to be a single parent with 3 dc's (this is obviously worse case scenario) or possibly living with resentment towards your dh for the forseeable future.

Would counselling on your own help you come to a decision?

I think your relationship stands a good chance of crumbling anyway because of his behaviour - I mean, can you see yourself wanting to have sex with him again after this? Also agree that a termination could push you back into depression very easily if you don't want to have one.
If it was me, I would forget what he wants - he has made that very clear - and focus on what I wanted instead.
He says he does not want another baby but, actually, he already has one because you are pregnant now, not in some theoretical future.

I lean towards pro-life myself, but I wonder whether I would be happy to have another baby with a man who was capable of behaving like this. And then I'd wonder whether I wanted to carry on sharing my life with him either, once I knew how damned unpleasant he could choose to make himself. It would not boil down to a question of family life vs possible single parenthood, but single parenthood with or without a third child. As everyone's saying, all the choices here stink, unfortunately. All for one moment of "damn, where are the condoms - oh, never mind..."

However tough the choices, though, there are a few happy stories on here to show things can turn out right in the end. It's a huge decision, but life will go on either way and may even get better, who knows? So: do what you feel you have to do, and work hard to make that the right choice.

And kick that man in the "where's my condom" a few times for good measure. He's asking for it. Arse.

"I wonder whether I would be happy to have another baby with a man who was capable of behaving like this. And then I'd wonder whether I wanted to carry on sharing my life with him either, once I knew how damned unpleasant he could choose to make himself. It would not boil down to a question of family life vs possible single parenthood, but single parenthood with or without a third child."

I lean away from being pro-life but I agree with you entirely on this.

I also don't think I could ever feel confident in a relationship with someone who was prepared to leave if they didn't get their own way. There's no way of knowing that not having a baby is the only issue he'll pull this shit over. A man who was truly committed to his family wouldn't threaten to leave over this.

I also worry that if this bullying works out for him he's likely to try it again the next time there is an issue that needs compromise and discussion.

This story realy distresses me, I can't stop thinking about it.

I cannot imagine being happy with a man who tried to force me to have an abortion.

This man has seen you have 2 MC's and must have seen how upset you were, but now he suddendly thinks you can skip down to the clinic and have an abortion without a 2nd though

Good post Ski

Polly you say soemthing has died, well I;ve felt that in the past with DH who has fairly severe bouts of mental health. But it came back becuase I knew he didn;t choose that, it was beyoind his control and resolved with meds.

In your case however your H now has a hold over you, he will have learned he can make you do what he wants.

He is acting like a toddler and not taking responsibiilty: even if he has a view that is unshakeable he woes it to you to attend counselling etc and help you through it. By refusing that he is showing what you will be able to exopect next time harship hits- if a child or you become ill, a parent dies, a redundancy...

I think that is the part I could not live with tbh, Dh can be ahrd to lvie with but every chyallenge we have had he has been there to elan on. Thats important in a relationship.

Just as a matter of what if browse rental agencies in your area online, put details now and if you ahd the baby into the entitled to website. Can't hurt.

I wonder if you were today to say to your husband

"ok thats it. I am not comforatble with it. I am not sure its the right decision for me but if you absolutely insist I'll have an abortion because its what YOU want."

I am NOT suggesting for one minute you actually say this with a means to actually carrying it out but a perhaps a different tact may get him to open up and realise he needs to show you some support.

It may be that if he is a complete selfish twat he will think "YAY thank god" and secretley punch the air in relief for getting his own way. However, it may also make him see that even if he gets what he wants out of this situation even though you have made it clear you are not sure - that it is in fact a hollow victory for him.

Tell him straight if he asks you if you really mean it - that infact you dont mean it - but also ask him how comfortable he feels about you going for an abortion just for him - because of the pressure he has put on you, despite you not being 100% sure it is what you want.

It is a mind game of sorts and maybe not advisable in a situation as serious as this but it is a different tac to consider as he seems completely closed to any kind of further discussion.

The only other option I could perhaps suggest to you Polly is you ask him to leave you at home alone, just for a few days - so you can have a think on your own about what YOU want in a less oppressive atmosphere. I think he should be the one to leave - as he seems completely closed to do anything else for you, other than rush through a private abortion.

Failing him even leaving you to sort your head then I would suggest you take off somewhere for a few days. Perhaps a relative or close friends house. Some time apart may help decrease the negative atmosphere between you both and give you both time to think.

I cannot emphasis enough that you must take time to think this through. Its better to wait just a few more days and weeks to make sure you make the right decision Polly even if it is the termination route. Waiting a bit longer now to make sure your head is straight in your decision could save you alot of future heartache than if you rush this before you are ready.

I know its not mumsnetty to send hugs but I will because I so feel for you.

Gosh, this thread would confuse anyone, so many things to think about... my only advice would be:

-Do as you please, as you will be the only person who will be dealing with the consequences whatever those could be.

My ex pressured me a lot to have children, I was certainly not prepared to, BUT I thought that if I said "no" that was the end of the relationship, but if I said yes we may stand a chance.

And chance it was, because we split anyway, and although I adore my children, and wouldn't have it any other way, I can tell you that life as a single mum is very difficult, and the more children you have, the more difficult it becomes.

I would be tempted to have a termination, not because that will keep my husband at home, but because that relationship may be in its way out anyway, and I couldn't afford to deal with yet another child on my own.

Would you go ahead with another baby if you were on your own? whatever you answer to this question, is the answer to this dilemma.

agree with uptomy...

it has to be your decision...

yes it will impact...but your H (or you or anyone) could die in a crash tomorrow.

then you would be left with an aborted baby that you wanted to keep.

no one can tell how it will pan out...but you stated v clearly you want to keep the baby. you dont want a termination. FACT.

there is a chance he will leave you...there is a chance he wont...there is a chance you abort and he leaves you anyway. there are no guarantees.

have the baby. put support in place.

mum72 made a good suggestion about taking time out on your own to think about what YOUR decision is. you will be the one left holding the baby or aborting it.

there is a weird thing he says about "we are not good enough parents " - why not? what makes you not good enough? maybe you have learned enough to be better with the third?

i do agree tho that on practical terms three is harder - bigger car, later on booking holidays etc - you have to book aprtment for 6 not 4 etc. family rooms often cater for four not five so hassle once baby is beyond toddler stage.

but- many upsides too if you like kids. i have 3 - i always wanted 3...

'It is a mind game of sorts and maybe not advisable in a situation as serious as this but it is a different tac to consider as he seems completely closed to any kind of further discussion.'

Mind games are probably not the best thing to play when the person is as vulnerable as the OP.

I agree, however, that Polly you are well within reason to ask him to leave for a few days whilst you do some thinking, get some counselling.

If he flies off the handle again at this suggestion, well, it says even more about him without saying a word.

Also Clarissimo brings up a very salient point.

In life, many times, things don't go our way. And it's no so much how things go but how we react to them which determines the kind of person we are.

I hope you're ok Polly. You must be ready to explode under all this pressure. Thinking of you.

I'm actually very sorry I leant more to "his" side at the beginning of this thread, but that was before the extent of his hostility and emotional bullying came to light. He's behaving horrendously and his behaviour is now the crisis for your relationship, I don't think it's even about whether or not to keep the baby anymore.

It's such an awful situation, he's really let you down Polly.

Still thinking of you Polly - you must have complete head-trash at the moment.
Would it help you to have some counselling even if he won't go? I completely agree with the posters that have suggested some time apart. If either of you can go somewhere for a few days I think this would help get things straight in your mind.
Try looking at yourself in the mirror and saying "I'm going to have a termination" then "I'm going to have another baby" Which feels like the real you?
And I don't give a flying if it's not very mumsnetty - am sending you hugs because I think you could do with them ((()))

this has also been praying on my mind and has prompted alot of discussion between my DH and myself.

polly i really hope your ok. i am thinking of you alot,

if you feel able please let us know how you are.
x

Anyone who emotionally blackmails a woman into having an abortion is scum imo .

id dump the H regardless btw!

Dumping a DH who has for the past 8yrs been perfectly reasonable and supportive is not really what I had in mind.

In his defence I think the way he had been acting is meerly an (albeit terrible) expression of his strength of feeling. It is easy for people to call him names and say get rid etc but I know and love him and do not want than to happen. He is not an awful abusive bully, he has just behaved badly in this instance.

But I would have suggested the same had another poster been having the same problems.

He said last night he doesn't want to fight anyomore and if I am dead against termination then we can have the baby.

Now I don't know what to do. I know his feelings haven't changed he's just accepted that he can't change my mind by shouting. Really I don't think it is or was necessarily a question of me wanting the baby (obviously I didn't in the first place hence MAP) it was more about having his support and being able to make a rational decision together. I know part of me was just digging my heals in at being told what to do.

So nothing is decided now. You probably all think I'm a freak who should be happy I got what I wanted. A baby wasn't what I wanted, but neither was or is a termination. I want to be a happy family. We are a happy family.

Anyway the conflict here has passed. I haven't had the nhs referral appointment yet so still have time to think about what I want to do.

Thank you for all your support and kind words and unmumsnetty hugs.

Not been a week yet since I found out I was pregnant but it feels like a lifetime.