DH wants me to have a termination. . .

[pollywollywoowah]

. . . but I don't.

Just found out that I'm pg with DC3 after taking morning after pill. (We have DS age3 and DD 18mths and had not planned to have any more). We did discuss the possibility of the pill not working and both said termination wouldn't be an option for us.

However I told him last night that I'd done a pos pregnancy test and to cut a long story short he basically wants me to have an abortion. He says we are not good enough parents to cope with three children, we've just got our lives back on track after DD being born and I had a very hard time bonding with DD which was a horrible time.

I feel totally shocked and let down. I knew he wouldn't be at all pleased but expected him to feel like me - that it wasn't what we planned and far from ideal but we'd get through it and stick together and take responsibility for our actions. He thinks our relationship won't survive.

How can this ever be resolved? I can see his point - we need a bigger house and car, I wouldn't be able to go back to work so money would be very tight BUT I feel in my heart that those problems can be overcome one way or another.

I should mention we had two losses prior to DS being born so how can I possibly now terminate this pregnancy just because it is inconvenient?

Taking the MAP to stop a potential pregnancy is a whole lot different to having a termination. I was quite blase about having an abortion (for the result of rape or a disability in with the baby) until I actually was pregnant and we were told we were losing the baby.

Just have a couple of days where you try not to think or talk about it and let things settle.

Well, at least you are more in a place where you can get your thoughts together, now the conflict has receded a little.

Whatever you decide, I hope you can piece your life back together again after this. Luck and love to you.

Take the time to think now.

I/We had an 'unexpected' 4th child - 6 years after we thought we were done. I was devistated and didnt want to 'ruin' my and my family life.

One of the things that really helped me was to read a story of a lady who had been a good wife for many years - had the 2 children.... Anyway when she was 50 he ran off with another woman, her children left home to go to uni and she was left alone.
Looking back on her life she said one of her biggest regrets was not having more children - it was too late then of course. She said she had never met anyone who actually ever said 'I wish I had not had as many children'

It really made me think - at the time we all feel we will never cope with another mouth to feed - and I think that is what your h is worried about.

I will admit i cried for the whole 7 months (took a while for me to find out as i didnt want to admit it), and did think about termination.

But we coped - and i love having a bigger family, and so do the children.

Try to think how you may feel in a few years time - although i know it is hard as a decision has to made fairly soon.

Take care.

Not judging you at all Polly. He has behaved appallingly, but hopefully now he will make amends.

One way he could do that would be to agree to attend counselling with you. You could work through the decision about the baby as well as his reaction and the damage caused by that. Communication is the way to go.

Give yourself a few days to let it sink in without his pressurising you.

If he does start to pressure you again (and this newfound reasonableness turns out to be another manipulative tactic - I'm really hope this isn't the case BTW) then you will need to take some time away to think things through for yourself.

The way you've been describing your pregnancy on here does not sound like a woman "Just digging in her heels when told no", you sound like a woman who doesn't want a termination. Make sure if you go ahead that it is what you want.

I wish you all the luck in the world.

Oh Polly I am so relieved he is finally willing to accept he cannot force an issue on you.

I really hope you can resolve this matter in the best way for all of you.

Has he apologised for calling you a fucking bitch and saying you were making him not love you?
That's the issue imho, I don't care how upset a person is, saying that to someone you love is truly vile and there is never an excuse.
He needs to realise how wrong he was to say that and you have to both believe and forgive him to be able to move on, if that's the way he reacts when "tested" under extreme pressures, can you trust in his support in the future, life throws us such shit sometimes - I hope this has made him realise and grow up a bit.

Polly I have hesitated to post this as I really don't want to frighten or upset you (Heaven knows you have enough on your plate atm) - but if your dh is frightened of a repeat of PND he must not realise that all that hormonal upheaval that contributes to having PND can happen after termination, with the attendant distress, perhaps guilt etc (esp if you don't in your heart feel is right for you).

I hope I don't get flamed for pointing it out (and in no way do I want to imply this would happen to you), but I do think if your dh was aware of this, he would be less likely to view termination as a quick-fix problem solver.

In the same vein, it is perfectly common to have pnd with one child, and be perfectly fine the next - in fact better than fine, because of the relief it hasn't happened and a sense of 'this time I'm enjoying the baby' iykwim!

POlly I haven't felt able to post before now as I have one of those accidental third children and my DH responded in a very similar way 'I don't want another f--ing kid' 'Can't we just take you to a clinic and get it over with' (this from a generally adoring father was a horrid shock, and frankly seems unbelievable in retrospect).

Gradually he stopped swearing, crying and shaking, and a few days later he explained a bit more rationally that he felt utterly as if all control over his own life had just been swept away; that we already had one with special needs; that I'd had PND, and if I couldn't cope, then he'd have to, even if he couldn't (ISWIM); that we'd need a bigger car (this ALWAYS seems to come up, as if five-seater cars are somehow rare and rationed) and finally that he only had one brother and couldn't see how more children 'worked' in a family .

So we talked properly, and though it's a situtation that doesn't really allow a compromise, at least we made a shaky decision together. I really hope you get to do the same, for all your sakes.

Oh yes and on the PND front. I had it with DCs 1 and 2, but not with DC3. So there are really no guarantees. Perhaps it was the fact that I was looking out for it, and had my MW and HV keeping an eye on me too, that helped.

Yes -- I had no trace of PND with DC3 (even though the pregnancy was more stressful than before).

Polly I am glad he hs handed you back the power to make the decision: from someone so dead aginst it that is a powerful gift.

I do think he needs to apologise for his behaviour- if it were me I would accept that apology becuase of the stress, but would need to hear one.

Please think about getting cpounselling- the life website is here and has a helpline that you can also text, and they do advice on housing etc as well which regardless of what i think of their more extreme activities is a good idea. Marie Stopes also ahve an advice line here; if iot were me I would call both to get both takes (as Marie Stopes are pro abortion albeit by choice only) and go from there.

I wish you luck whatever the outcome X

Oh and wrt to pnd- yes I clearly ahd it after the first two but like you didn't seek help; not so after the second two, and in fact I do beleive I am a better aprent to the second two as I am older and wiser (I know there are fantastic younger aprents out there, just how it worked for me)

i just want to clarify that when i said take time out i didnt mean permanently - i thought under the circumstances it would take the heat out of the situation and allow you some thinking time without being pressured and allow your DH to realise what he was saying and doing was hurting you.

im really glad you are on more amicable footing now to make the decision.

best of luck.