DH wants me to have a termination. . .

[pollywollywoowah]

. . . but I don't.

Just found out that I'm pg with DC3 after taking morning after pill. (We have DS age3 and DD 18mths and had not planned to have any more). We did discuss the possibility of the pill not working and both said termination wouldn't be an option for us.

However I told him last night that I'd done a pos pregnancy test and to cut a long story short he basically wants me to have an abortion. He says we are not good enough parents to cope with three children, we've just got our lives back on track after DD being born and I had a very hard time bonding with DD which was a horrible time.

I feel totally shocked and let down. I knew he wouldn't be at all pleased but expected him to feel like me - that it wasn't what we planned and far from ideal but we'd get through it and stick together and take responsibility for our actions. He thinks our relationship won't survive.

How can this ever be resolved? I can see his point - we need a bigger house and car, I wouldn't be able to go back to work so money would be very tight BUT I feel in my heart that those problems can be overcome one way or another.

I should mention we had two losses prior to DS being born so how can I possibly now terminate this pregnancy just because it is inconvenient?

I have no advice for you because I think you re doing everything you can to resolve this situation. However, I will say that having an abortion is hard enough when it is your choice but doing it because you are being forced is dreadful.

I do appreciate that yo are between the devil and the deep blue sea with this and feel that it is a no win. I appreciate your H's concerns but the way he is treating you is just unforgivable and even if you do have this termination I am not sure you are going forgive him for this.

Really my heartfelt sympathies to you sweetheart, please try to find a friend who can hold your hand.

If I say he is being unreasonable for being this way with me he just says I am being unreasonable for wanting to force the baby on us.

He has no idea.

Polly

No real answers except that I don't know if you realise but relate will see you alone to go through it all, you don't need to take him.

he is being unfair; you are at least trying to discuss both sides. If you do ahve the termination and regret it will he be capable of providing the emotional support needed or just closed off to 'it had to be'? Only you can know.

please do contact relate, they are better equipped to work mthings out with you than a GP I think who tends towatrds tghe medical, though a GP may give you access to info on PND for which there is help post birth.

Good luck

No he doesn't. A termination is one thing when you are young, maybe before any other children but it is different when you have a family and understand what a child means. I am not pro-life whatsoever, actually very pro-choice but if it not your choice then i do think emotionally it will be catastrophic for you.

Both of you have a reasonable point of view of course - there are arguements for both sides but you did make this life together, and afterwards you took steps to prevent a pregnancy but now it is here it is different. actually terminating a life with a heartbeat is a lot different from taking the map.

I do think in the interests of fairness you should try and access some counselling, even if he wont go, do if for yourself...you so need suppport right now from an impartial person.

I know he isn't being nasty about this but the fact he is not willing to talk to anyone outside tells me he is being unreasonable and knows it. again I can understand his fear about having another child, that is completely reasonable of course, but such an impartant decision does and should bear scrutiny and he too should talk it over with someone too.

Try and find some help today for yourself because you are in such turmoil. I know we all here wish you well but we are no substitute for real human kindness which i think you need now. It will not make the problem go away I know that but try and find something to do and move forward maybe with some conselling etc.

Polly I have been there but in a different way - after having 2 kids which I was happy with I got pregnant with number 3. I had no choice but to work through. I could not bring myself to terminate just becaause it wasn't convenient for us. So I worked through no 3 arrived and then bam! 6 months later pregnant with no 4. Again, there was no question of terminating and my husband did not ask me to. However having to work through the pregnancy with 3 kids as well was TERRIBLE, the money worries are always there, the medical complications really didn't help, and then my husband hinted very strongly that he had purposefully impregnated me! The birth was awful but fast forward a year later and everything is fine, we are really happy the baby is lovely etc.

I see your problems as 1) you OH is scared of how you will react to pregnancy and birth and there are no guarantees that it will go smoothly

2. money - financial worries
3. added responsibility

Is there any chance you can look for work from home? There is alot out there working for catalogues or telesales.

Can you try a home swap site and get a bigger house that way?

Can you take antidepressants or something similar to help you through?

I sense your husband is really panicking and does not have the extra reserves of patience and love that he must feel are required.

I know from my own experience that you might be feeling that that is a person inside you and the thought of terminating it is appalling.

I think if that were me I would try to tell my husband that I understand, that I love him and that we would work through it, even if I didn't feel that way. It's much easier to make a decision when you are on the same page.

Really you are choosing between your husband and a new child and that must be agonising. Do remember whatever you decide that there is a future and maybe in five years your husband will feel differently and want another child.

I really hope you can find a happy solution and wish you all the best

Maybe you could print out some leaflets and info such as these which show help is out there for PND if you seek it, and hand to him?

If he refuses to read then tbhy I think you have an idea of the level of support you will receive whatever you do; would you rather raise an extra child without him, or live without him regretting the termination (if you do)?

BNecuase in brutal honesty once this is sorted even if your relationship survives there will be things that crop up that are just as stressful, that's life sadly, and it may be that this is your big clue as to how helpful he will be.

But I do think relate alone is a first step.

Polly - big, big hug.

Sometimes life is pretty shit isn't it

It seems to me from what you have said, that having an abortion would be the wrong thing for you to do, I think you would be heartbroken. If it's the wrong thing for you to do, you will resent your DH massively and I think it would be very difficult for your relationship to survive that.

In your situation I would explain to DH that I have listened to him, that I understand how he feels and have considered it, but that I could not go through with the termination. I would explain that I understand he feels it will put a strain on the relationship, but that I see it putting a bigger strain on the relationship going through with the termination. I would also tell him what I intend to do re PND, bonding etc - anything you had a problem with last time. Show him you are taking his concerns seriously.

HOWEVER that is what I would do - what I think you should do is follow your heart and not let DH talk you into this, nor frighten you into it (with talk of your relationship not working, the kids suffering etc) - be very sure, if you decide on the termination, that it is something you can live with. Ask yourself - if I had this termination and DH left for some other reason, would I still think it was the right decision??

Huge Hugs x

Polly, you poor thing.

Your DH not being prepared to even accept keeping the baby is quite manipulative of him. He is refusing to give your opinion even equal weight with his, when legally it is your body and your choice. Him trying to do this is is unhealthy for your relationship. Hopefully he is just being very male and trying to solve a problem, and when it sinks in (and he realizes that medical professionals won't terminate the pregnancy of a woman who doesn't want them to) he will wise up.

A termination doesn't get rid of a problem; often it just exchanges one set of problems for another.

Please ask your GP about counseling options when you go to see them. Have you got a friend in RL you can talk to about this?

obviously you have chatted together but in those conversations have you both actually discussed the fall out from you having a termination as well as the fall out of the arrival of unplanned DC3.

I imagine for some men - esp those in panic mode - its very easy to look at a termination as just a medical procedure and not one that could have mental and short term hormonal implications as well. Does your DH think (or want to think) that you will just go into hospital one day and then that will be it - all over and done with and normal business resumes??? Ofcouse - if its what you both 100% want - then there is no reason why this could not be the case but......

Like has been said by someone earlier. I believe there is a huge difference in making the decision once you already have children as opposed to being young and not having had children at all. I think it makes the decision alot harder.

Have you explained to him that if you do have a termination there is a chance that it could still effect your relationship afterwards - if there was any regret or resentment on your part because perhaps you felt pressured into it etc Does he not realise a termination could at worse also contribute to any further bouts of depression etc??

Don't get me wrong - I am pro choice. Am worried I am sounding a little biased towards being against a termination - am trying not to be - because I am not. What I am trying to do is to make sure you have discussed with your husband the implications of a termination as well as the implications of an unplanned baby. Your posts tell us his POV against keeping the baby because obviously you are trying to explain to us the whole situation - I just want to make sure you have explained the RL possible implications of a Termintion as well.

He is probably still in shock but even if he wont go and chat to someone about this I think you need to.

And, tbh if it was me and my DH refused to come to any councelling regarding this matter then I would be feeling very hurt, angry and actually wondering where that left us as a couple irrespective of the unplanned pregnancy. Refusal to go to any councelling with you is selfish IMO (some may also think it slightly controlling).

Am really thinking of you Polly. Please find someone in RL to talk to about this. I really hope you and your DH can find a way to resolve this in the best way for all of you.

Hope the talk with your GP helps Polly.
Does dh acknowledge how shocking it has been to you for him to change his mind on termination?
Noone else can make the decision; you have to do what is in your heart. I hope you can decide soon as can see it is tearing you apart at the moment

Polly i am in similar situation to you, in that i am pregant and partner has made it totally clear that it is against his wishes completely if I continue with the pregnancy. we have been together almost a year, don't live together, we both have other children. i was taking minipill but had sickness bug and from what i have read and nurse said this can make it ineffective, and at 7 weeks pregnant i can vouch for that. i have been in complete turmoil the last two weeks. i had a termination at 22 and nearly 20 years later can't believe i am facing it again.but how can i reconcile his total abhorence of me being pregnant with me being unable to live with myself if i had an abortion? it really hurts aswell that I can sit there, pregnant, feeling all the symptoms, hormones working overtime and he just saying his life is ruined.

maristella - why would her dh think she had done it on purpose when he was aware he wasn't wearing a condom.

oh goodness she seduced me on purpose to have a baby .

I feel you both have a choice and it is damn hard.

You chose between your husband and your baby.

He has to chose between forcing an abortion on you and risking you leaving or agreeing to the baby.

Oh Polly.

He is worried that things will be bad again. But they might not be. Were they bad after your DS?

You are not forcing him into having a child, don't let him tell you that, make you feel guilty, you have enough on your mind at the moment. You should not have to deal with his emotions as well.

Have you asked him why he didn't put a condom on? It might seem mean, but these comments about you forcing him into having a baby are awful, he's making it all your fault.

I've had a termination. It was the right decision for me at the time, and I don't regret it. But I think about it, you can't not think about it. And I think that it's not possible, in your situation, for things to fall apart should you go through with it if you don't want to. Given the way things are with you and him. The termination would be his choice, and that is not the way it should be.

That should be that it's not possible for things to not fall apart -

I think the only difference between Polly and her dh is that it's her body. They both made a mistake and they are both adament about the decision nthat has to be made.

I have had many things happen to me about which I had no choice and yes of course we just get on and cope- my motto is 'one foot in front of the other'

However, this you do have a choice about and from the information you've given I can see both your pov. Given your history, your living situation,your other kids and your dh's views it's not a good time is it?

Some of you coudn't terminate at any stage, but I don't think I could continue with a pregnancy under these circumstances. Of course I am bringing my personal situation into this as is every other poster. I know my kids would be damaged by another sibling (it's complicated), I know my dh works so hard and puts so much effort into being a dad but another one would push him over the edge. I know my mental health would suffer too. I'd not blame the baby, but I would not necessarily cope with the baby very well.

You could always think again about more kids when you're in a better situation in a couple of years.

I am not being blase about this and it's not a decision to be made lightly, but I don't think a termination at this point has to be the worst thing.

It is the worst thing if it pushes you into mental illness because you can't cope with doing something you don't want to. So you need to get your head around whatever you choose. You need to examine youe reasons for wanting this baby very carefully. Has it to do with your pnd and wanting to do it differently?

Sorry you are in this situation and also sorry if my comments upset you. It's only the internet and it is your life.

It's easy to assume that my mental anguish at having an abortion will be worse than his at having an extra child. But who can be the judge of that?

Things were fine after DS was born. Adored him straight away. I think part of my "problem" with DD was that I desperately wanted a girl and knew I was having one and then when she was born it was a huge anticlimax - she was just a baby. That sounds awful written down but I think I expected some massive special mother-daughter connection straight away that just didn't happen. It has now of course.

Anyway, I have seen my GP and she has referred me for a termination. I still feel unsure but this is only a step and I know I still don't have to go through with it if I feel I can't. But I have to think of my existing DCs and their happiness, and without the full and geniune support of my husband during and after a pregnancy I don't know what kind of life I could offer them.

And to think I bought charity Christmas cards from Life last year

It's easy to assume because you have said that you do not want an abortion. And having an abortion when you don't want one is not an easy option. Of course, you don't necessarily want another child, but you clearly aren't against the idea enough to think an abortion is the way out.

Your decision to continue the pregnancy or not does not make you a bad person. Don't link this with your christmas card purchase and start to feel bad about the decision you are making - it's hard enough as it is. You need to think about you and your family.

i would absolutely advocate some counselling before you make the decision.
if your DH wont go then do go alone, but he is burying his head in the sand if he thinks it will all go away after you terminate. its a massive step either way, whatever you decide to do, and you know that there are going to be consequences either way. i really really feel for you, what an impossible situation.

If your husband is putting you through this experience the least he can do is have the decency to go to counselling with you

I really feel for you too but please do get some counselling before you do this, making decisions on this hothouse environment so full of panic is not a good idea and really, i think you need someone to objectively and kindly help you through this.

And I have talked to real life friends about this by the way. I just like the vast mumsnet life experience and wisdom and the fact I can talk about DH in a very honest way.

Really it is DH who has nobody to talk it over with. He doesn't have close friends who are also family men and would have any clue as to what any of this involves.

i am so pleased you have some support and please urge your H to go and have counselling, he might feel alright about things now (well not alright but you know what i mean) but afterwards he may feel differently, as you may do, so as much support from professionals you can both get the better.

Thinking of you all.

completely agree with Tarty on this one, too much emotional turmoil to make the decsion right now though i completely appreciate the sooner the better if termination is what you do decide on.

just read back over last few pages polly - what changed? your DH seemed to be saying he would accept your decision(albeit he wanted you to terminate) up until the weekend when he has now started to press firmly for you to terminate...what happened?

i would not make any decision while you both feel so raw and have such extreme opposing reactions - really truly make use of counselling. ideally this should be a joint decision and you both need to talk it through with an advocate.