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Original poster

DH wants me to have a termination. . .

240 replies

pollywollywoowah · 12/03/2010 07:56

. . . but I don't.

Just found out that I'm pg with DC3 after taking morning after pill. (We have DS age3 and DD 18mths and had not planned to have any more). We did discuss the possibility of the pill not working and both said termination wouldn't be an option for us.

However I told him last night that I'd done a pos pregnancy test and to cut a long story short he basically wants me to have an abortion. He says we are not good enough parents to cope with three children, we've just got our lives back on track after DD being born and I had a very hard time bonding with DD which was a horrible time.

I feel totally shocked and let down. I knew he wouldn't be at all pleased but expected him to feel like me - that it wasn't what we planned and far from ideal but we'd get through it and stick together and take responsibility for our actions. He thinks our relationship won't survive.

How can this ever be resolved? I can see his point - we need a bigger house and car, I wouldn't be able to go back to work so money would be very tight BUT I feel in my heart that those problems can be overcome one way or another.

I should mention we had two losses prior to DS being born so how can I possibly now terminate this pregnancy just because it is inconvenient?

OP posts:
sayithowitis · 15/03/2010 18:05

I think you have the right to decide what to do with your body, however, I also feel that he is entitled to have an opinion. He didn't make this baby on his own and neither did you. you are both at fault for not using contraception, but these things obviously happen sometimes.

I think ultimately you have to decide what is right for you, but you also have to accept that he may disagree. TBH, I think that from what you have said already, whichever way you go on this, your relationship with him is going to be ripped apart because the one who didn't 'win' as it were, will be resentful towards the other- you because you will feel forced into a termination and him because he will feel he has been forced into having a baby he clearly does not want.

for you in this impossible situation.

Lymond · 15/03/2010 18:11

I think your DH needs to realise that an abortion could just as easily tip you back into serious depression as going through with it and giving birth to the baby. Both involve the hormones of being pregnant suddenly leaving. Both involve a medical procedure (possibly in hospital). The percentage of women who have termination who later go on to have PTSD is high (I only know this from the counselor my sister saw, as she had PTSD after an abortion) especially when they've been cajoled into it.

This is why I agree with the vast majority of those above, who think the least your DH can do is accompany you to counseling. I sounds like he is being very blinkered.

YouKnowNothingoftheCrunch · 15/03/2010 18:29

Lymond has a very good point about your PND symptoms returning if you have an abortion. You need to be completely sure that you want an abortion if you have one. You really do.

My opinion on this is that if there is any doubt then you shouldn't do it. If you're dh won't discuss this properly then that is an enormous problem. It really seems like he is burying his head in the sand and encouraging you to deal with it all.

Money is not a reason to have a termination. Being certain that you do not want this baby is.

Practical issues can be dealt with. Emotional one's can't. It sounds like you are bending over backwards to accomodate his worries and he is not doing the same for you (otherwise he would accept counseling as an option).

You have to communicate. You have to discuss this. He can't hide from it.

What if you say that counseling is a condition of you considering a termination?

EggyAllenPoe · 15/03/2010 18:40

if you were umming and ahing about this, and he said he'd support either decision, which way would you go?

if you would choose to have the baby - then that's what you should do now. his lack of support i think is going to make you dislike him whatever you do (although not necessarily terminal to your relationship)

It is hard to take yourelf out the situation that he has thrown at you.

incidentally, although it would be nice to have larger car and house when/if you have number 3, you would probably find you can work with what you already have.

Poll32 · 15/03/2010 19:19

My friend's husband wanted her to have an abortion when she got pregnant with their 3rd child. She was horrified and told him not to ask her to choose over him and their child (she, I think, would have chosen the baby). As it is, she kept the baby and went on to have a lovely daughter. Her husband is now fine with it - he was more concerned with money, the size of the house (their old house was v.small...)and couldn't live without his youngest. However, he has since gone on to have a vasectomy. I'm not sure what to advice you, but I just thought I'd tell you about someone else who went through something similar. Good Luck!

Original poster
pollywollywoowah · 15/03/2010 19:41

Vicar - since the weekend he has been more adamant about having a termination really because I think to start with he was more softly softly because he assumed I would "see sense" and he wouldn't need to press the issue. He has said this evening he is fed up with talking about it and I am doing his head in. Just keeps saying "I DON'T WANT ANOTHER BABY AND I WON'T CHANGE MY MIND".

Feel like I don't know him anymore which makes me very sad. He has always been my knight in shining armour and now I feel utterly let down.

I worry that the reason I may go through with the termination is because I'm not strong enough to deal with him if I don't, even if in the long run things work out.

Apparently it's not fair of me to try and force him into counselling. . . think he sees it as a ploy to get him to change his mind.

OP posts:
FabIsDoingPrettyWell · 15/03/2010 19:45

This is just so difficult. My DH had the snip as having another baby could have been physically disasterous for me. I wasn't 100% in agreement but I know it was the right decision. I just wanted more children. He definitely doesn't want more, I did, he had the snip. He felt more strongly than I did. I did feel this was relevant and I had a point when I started but I guess what I am saying is this is a decision that I really feel the woman has to have the final say on.

cyteen · 15/03/2010 19:46

polly, upthread you spoke about needing 'the full and genuine support of your husband' in the future. Do you feel like you're getting that now? Do you feel like you could offer your full and genuine support to him in the future, if you go through with a termination that he won't even discuss?

arsesandoldlace · 15/03/2010 19:49

"Apparently it's not fair of me to try and force him into counselling."

but completely fair for him to get you pregnant then force you into an abortion?

Does he actually know what an abortion is?

Original poster
pollywollywoowah · 15/03/2010 19:50

I don't know anything anymore.

OP posts:
Mum72 · 15/03/2010 19:51

OH Polly I so feel for you.

Have you tried asking him to come to counselling with you to help YOU reconcile your feelings about the possible termination?

How did he react when you told him the GP had booked you in for one? Does he see it as moreless sorted now - so no need to go to counselling?

I know he feels strongly about this - and he is entitled to his opinion of course but I do think he is being unbelievably selfish to not want to go to counselling for your benefit even if he "knows" his mind wont be swayed.

Will he not be willing to go to post termination counselling with you either then?

Is he not prepared to offer you any support or only if you terminate the pregnancy?

Original poster
pollywollywoowah · 15/03/2010 19:56

He sees it as a done deal.

Can't see him ever coming to any kind of counselling.

If I say anything connected to keeping the baby he gets arsey and says there is no point talking about it.

Am scared to mention it now TBH.

He says there is nothing more to say.

OP posts:
FabIsDoingPrettyWell · 15/03/2010 20:01

He is bullying you .

expatinscotland · 15/03/2010 20:06

'Vicar - since the weekend he has been more adamant about having a termination really because I think to start with he was more softly softly because he assumed I would "see sense" and he wouldn't need to press the issue. He has said this evening he is fed up with talking about it and I am doing his head in. Just keeps saying "I DON'T WANT ANOTHER BABY AND I WON'T CHANGE MY MIND".'

He has crossed the line into bullying you into doing something you don't want.

Sorry, but what a knob.

He should have been making his own appointment to get the snip if he's so adamant no more kids.

I can't understand 'd' h's who act like this. I think people like this are cuntwhackers.

expatinscotland · 15/03/2010 20:07

'He sees it as a done deal. '

It's not his decision or choice. It's yours.

cheerfulvicky · 15/03/2010 20:08

Polly, if you were talking about another subject and not whether or not to terminate your pregnancy, I would say the following:
It sounds as though your DH is trying to be the one who shouts the loudest, and effectively bullying you into submission (i.e you doing what he wants even if you don't want to) by chipping away at your resolve until you just give in out of sheer exhaustion.

Unfortunately, the issue of abortion is very highly charged and deeply emotive, with as many opinions as there are people. This makes it more difficult to see a way forward.

However, have you considered the possibility that, if you have an abortion in order to keep his support with you and your children and to stop him from removing that support, you will then feel so resentful and hurt that you will end up estranged anyway, and in just the same situation that you dread? Except you will have the abortion in your mind as well as everything else.

You obviously desperately need to talk to someone impartial (your H is about as far away from impartial as you can get) about all of this, just let it all out to them and try and make sense of your feelings. And you need to do this before an abortion, so you feel 100% confident about your choice whatever it is. I don't know how it feels to terminate a pregnancy, but I watched a programme on C4 a year or so ago which featured a woman who had an abortion after already having kids. She didn't seem totally sure when she did it, just couldn't afford another child, and it would have been very hard for her existing setup. She did seem to regret it afterwards, and I felt incredibly sad for her. If possible, take your time and please please get some counselling so that you can talk to someone face to face about it all.
Really for you and hope you find a path that is the right one.

Mum72 · 15/03/2010 20:08

OMG!!

I appreciate he is worried about this. I can also appreciate that he does not want a baby.

But where the hell is his compassion for the woman he loves?

So he has intimidated you enough to make it easier all round for you to shut up an just go long with what he wants!

He is acting like a spoilt child.

FFS!! He was more than happy to play hide the sausage without contraception but now can't be arsed to even support you in helping you come to the right decision for you.

For all he knows, with a bit of compassion and support you may well decide an abortion is the best way forward for YOU and therefore the end result in 6 weeks, 6 months and 6 years time will be alot more positive (or stand a chance of being alot more positive) than the fall out that could potentially happen if you go along with a termination "for a quiet life" because you feel so pressured and unable to discuss.

I am so so sorry for you Polly but oh so angry at your husband.

I wish so much I could wave a magic wand for you - you poor love!!

lisasimpson · 15/03/2010 20:17

I'm not getting a sense that you want this baby to be honest. You have said you don't want a termination and that's fair enough - not many people would, but that's not the same as actually wanting another child. Take the guilt of a termination out of the equation would you still feel the same about carrying on with the pregnancy?

Original poster
pollywollywoowah · 15/03/2010 20:30

I didn't want another baby but now I am pregnant I feel attached to it in the same way I did with my 2 DC and 2 losses prior.

To be honest it is not just about me wanting the baby, it's about feeling as though we have come to a decision together and not that I have no choice in the matter, which is how I feel.

I just said to him we are going to have to talk some more and he flew off the handle, said I was a fucking bitch and I was making him not love me anymore. I said he way being a bully and he said I didn't know what I was talking about?!

This is not the man I married.

He has stormed off now.

OP posts:
Original poster
pollywollywoowah · 15/03/2010 20:32

was being a bully

OP posts:
StrictlyKatty · 15/03/2010 20:36

I seriously would not go through with an abortion just becuase my husband was being a w**r about it.

Do not do anything you will regret forever. Give yourself time to think about it. You will not regret waiting a few weeks but could easily regret being pushed into something VERY final before you are ready.

LoveBeingAMummy · 15/03/2010 20:37

He needs to talk to someone who he trusts can be honest with that is not you. You say he as no friends, what about partners of your friends or a family member?

wannaBe · 15/03/2010 20:37

agree with expat.

He is a twat.

And making him not love you any more? wtf?

He's bullying you and getting stroppy because you're not giving in to his demands.

If you want this baby, then have this baby.

And if he can't deal with that then he knows where the door is.

Original poster
pollywollywoowah · 15/03/2010 20:39

Well GP said it'd be about 3wks wait so nothing is happening just yet.

OP posts:
stripeywoollenhat · 15/03/2010 20:45

still is being a bully, clearly. take your time, do what you feel is right for you about this. i can't see how it would do anything other than poison your relationship in the future if you allow yourself to be browbeaten into terminating when you are not sure about it. (but i think your h's behaviour is extraordinary and if i was in your position, i think he'd have to do a lot of very hard work to save things already)