DH wants me to have a termination. . .

[pollywollywoowah]

. . . but I don't.

Just found out that I'm pg with DC3 after taking morning after pill. (We have DS age3 and DD 18mths and had not planned to have any more). We did discuss the possibility of the pill not working and both said termination wouldn't be an option for us.

However I told him last night that I'd done a pos pregnancy test and to cut a long story short he basically wants me to have an abortion. He says we are not good enough parents to cope with three children, we've just got our lives back on track after DD being born and I had a very hard time bonding with DD which was a horrible time.

I feel totally shocked and let down. I knew he wouldn't be at all pleased but expected him to feel like me - that it wasn't what we planned and far from ideal but we'd get through it and stick together and take responsibility for our actions. He thinks our relationship won't survive.

How can this ever be resolved? I can see his point - we need a bigger house and car, I wouldn't be able to go back to work so money would be very tight BUT I feel in my heart that those problems can be overcome one way or another.

I should mention we had two losses prior to DS being born so how can I possibly now terminate this pregnancy just because it is inconvenient?

Morris, would you please stop trying to turn me into some pro-life person?

Because I'm not.

I was trying to demonstrate the opinion that manipulating or coercing a person, male or female, into have a medical procedure that they do not want is wrong.

Okay?

Too right, poshsingle.

A woman's right to choose, however she decides, deserves to be supported.

"A woman's right to choose, however she decides, deserves to be supported."

Yeah that's a really nice idea expat. But unfortunately this is a situation where something's going to have to give. So it's a choice between have the baby and risk husband's resentment or abort and risk regretting it.

'Yeah that's a really nice idea expat.'

No, actually, Brahms, no one can force a woman to terminate if she doesn't. Thankfully, there's safe, legal abortion here OR a benefits system that assists and supports women who feel they'd rather not remain with someone who tries to coerce them into having a medical procedure they don't want.

The benefits system - that sounds like a lot of fun as a single parent with two children...

brahms you do sound as if you acyively wish her to have a termination?

Well, for those who'd prefer to live with a partner who uses coercion and manipulation to control their bodies, there's dancing to his/her tune, I guess.

Guess it's up to the individual which is preferable.

Of course, for some the person is already in work, perhaps earns even more than the partner, and has other options.

But the important thing is that there are these options.

Back to the OP

We had a massive whoo hah at Christmas with DH being a prat basically and I nearly did have a termination, knowing I could never look at DH again afterwards.
In the end I've kept the baby and DH is the most excited out of all of us.
There can be a happy ending.

Prtetty much the deal we have Riv until DH gets the snip- it wouldn't be ideal but we are grown ups and sex can mean babies.

I am not anti abortion by a long way, I think they prevent a lot of misery and abuse in fact, but equally they can cause that and are something to be copnsidered only when the woman wants one.

Finacially etc you will cope OIP, people do. That isn't the same as sail through but IME there's a certain satisfaction looking back and saying we did it, even if a win on the lottery would be infitely preferable. Lots of love from Mummy and a,mke do is fine for children.

"brahms you do sound as if you acyively wish her to have a termination?"

I don't actively want anything, it's not going to affect me after all. But I can fully understand the resentment of her DH. If I had no control over whether I had another baby or not and DP went ahead and made me have one, I would be resentful. And I also fear for the OP if her husband never changes his mind about not wanting the baby. Just today I have read a couple of threads by OPs who were in this situation and went on to have the baby - now their DH/Ps hold it against them, it's so .

See i'd fell teh toerh way- Dh has taken a decision that adversely affects me, alebit in the shorter time, and whilst I would have chosen otherwise I am adult wenough to understand he has a life and decisions to make also.

Each person has to be able to make the decisions they need to, alobeit morally obliged to take each others feelings into account and listen, and try to find a mutual ghround- eg that OP has the baby but they find a nanny who can take all 3 so she can still go back to work, oir whatever the concerns happen to be.

Ultimately though she shouldn't do soemthing as significant unless she is in agreement that it is right: just as her dh is free to go if he wishes.

And actually I think its a shame people can't trust their DP to stand by them through something like this regardless, I know DH would me, as I would him if for example he cocked up and got sacked or whatever. He knew what sex can do, he had as much access to info on the MAp as anyone else and I certainly knew it had a high fai;lure rate despite only taking it once.

Clarissimo - I agree that it's a shame we can't all trust our DPs to stand by us, whatever decision we make. But it also goes the other way. If a man makes the decision that he doesn't want his life partner to continue with a pregnancy, shouldn't she also stand by him?

It's an almighty stalemate of a situation.

polly - I hope your discussions with your DH go well tonight. As others have said you have a while to work out what to do.

'If a man makes the decision that he doesn't want his life partner to continue with a pregnancy, shouldn't she also stand by him?'

Not when it involves having a medical procedure done to her body that she doesn't want.

Unfortunately, biology is unfair in that respect, although some would say it's more unfair on the female with periods and childbirth and all the emotion that goes with that.

Because of humans working the way they do, the man's decision happens at the point of intercourse - yes or no? condom or no? sterilisation or no?

A retroactive decision, unfortunately, involves the women consenting to a medical procedure which should always be entered into free of coercion and manipulation. I understand that doesn't always happen, that is indeed unfortunate.

pollywolly i hope you're ok?
from your post i got the impression that your dh is really scared you will get pnd again. could you reassure him that you would be better prepared for it having suffered it in the past? he might also be feeling that you secretly planned this (not justifiable, but sometimes men do feel like this). if that's how you think he might be feeling you might need to reassure him you're as scared and shocked as he is.
we're all very lucky to live in an era and a country in which we do have choices, but there are consequences all the same.
having terminated a pregnancy (my choice, didn't even tell him) i can tell you that you are likely to experience hormonal upheaval. that might sound obvious, but it still managed to shock me. and the resentment i feel sometimes is enormous. but it was the right decision for me, albeit the cruellest decision ever. and i knew that if i had continued with my pregnancy i would have felt resentment later.
my life now is the best it has ever been, but it's tainted with grief. sometimes i can go a week without thinking about it, but at the moment i think about it every day and it all feels very unfair.
im sorry for having rambled, but as you can see from the sheer number of replies you've had, this is such a complex issue, and when you're in this situation it's possible and natural to feel a thousand contradictory feelings all at once.
make the right choice for you, and make the best of it xx

My DH is not being bullying or coercive. He is a kind, honest, decent, hardworking wonderful man and an excellent father. He simply doesn't think that having this baby is in the best interests of us as a couple and as a family.

We spoke again last night and both still hold the same views. He has said if I can't go through with a termination he'll understand and support me BUT he still thinks it is the wrong thing to do. He says he feels awful for feeling this way but that's how he does feel. And I can't blame him for that really. It just makes me sick to think that by going ahead I'll be making him unhappy, even if it works out ok in the end as I love and respect him so dearly and it breaks my heart to think this may drive a wedge between us.

Obviously he feels the same about me having a termination.

But just to clarify he is not forcing, bullying or being horrible to me in any way. Other than not feeling the same.

And we don't want a massive house or car. We have a small 2 bed terrace. DD is a poor sleeper and still sleeps in our bedroom in her cot as DS is a good but noisy shouty sleeper and I can't risk them sharing and disturbing each other. Technically she could share with DS and we could have the baby in with us but that is hardly ideal. Our car would fit three car seats in but one would have to be in the front which I would prefer to avoid for safety reasons. But again, we don't really need a bigger one.

Lots to think about. Thank you for your support and thoughts. Really helping me to think things through.

And the actual procedure of medical abortion isn't the problem.

Sorry you are gong through this. Can't presume to advise, but my opinion is that you should not have a termination. ( Am not anti-abortion by the ay, far from it - many situatiosn where it the only or best option).
If you have the termination, I believe it would put far greater strain on your marriage and mental health than another baby. You are prepared now for PND and can make sure you get the support and treatment lined up in case it happnes again. Yuor DH sounds like a caring and loving person, who is being honest and not coercive, but that vvery niceness is likley to make him feel guilty for ever about the fact you did it unwillingly.
House & car - babies don't take up too much space - you have clothes of both sexes to hand down please don't let the financial issues sway too heavily.

Polly, I'm sorry that you are in this situation, it must be very difficult for you and your DH.

It sounds like you are talking about it which can only be good. Have you thought about using an organisation like Relate to help you with that talking?

Also, you mention difficulties with the sleeping arrangements for your DCs but sleep in young children can change immensely in the space of 7 months and you may have reached the point where DS and DD can share at that point.

maristella Polly has done nothing on purpose. Her DH didn't use a condom it isn't like she didn't take the pill and didn't tell him.

Also Polly re the bedroom situation. My 2 are only 18 months apart and dd1 was such a noisy sleeper I was petrified they were going to keep eac other awake all night. They didnt. They somehow just tune each other out so if you do go ahead dont worry about that either. Just chuck them in together and let newborn sleep in wth you it will be fine.

I do also agree about having some space from here. Enjoy some family time with the kids and let DH see how lovely it can be.
Goodluck whatever you decide.

Just to let you know I was in a similar situation 5 years ago. DH and I were having a very bad patch. DD has a serious heart condition so we had decided to wait for trying for another baby. We got drunk one night and had sex without a condom, both of us decided we didn't need the MAP as it wasn't a risky time in the month. Anyway I obviously got pregnant.

DH was adamant we had to have a termination and the baby would tear us apart. I'm pro-choice (had a termination much younger) but I was determined to not have just because the timing wasn't right. We talked and talked. DH felt tricked into a baby although we were BOTH responsible for not using contraception. After a few days he calmed down, he admitted he was really scared and not ready for more responsibility. We went to Relate which was massively helpful.

He became very excited by the pregnancy which was lucky as at the 12 week scan we found out it was twins!

Good luck. Keep talking. See your GP together so you can discuss the PND. Be honest with each other. Remind each other you love each other. DH wouldn't be without our twins he adores them.

Another with the bedroom sit- we have a three bed house and 4 kids, but as ds1 has sn that means he can't share we're in a similar palce wrt to bedrooms- and 2 that are options.

DS4 is 2 next month and has been in with us, we've put bunks in the bigger bedroom and a small bed would fit in fine; however it has also bought us time to think and plan, save for bunkbeds etc

It's not ideal but we are fine and its far from terrible

Fab i did not think for a minute that Polly had done anything on purpose, i was trying to think of how her DP might be thinking. that maybe if he knows she is as shocked, scared and surprised as he is a decision could be easier to reach together
hope you're ok Polly

Well I'm not ok actually. It's been the worst weekend of my life. DH basically insisting an abortion is the only option for us. Won't even discuss the possibility of keeping the baby.

I can't work out whether having an abortion for the sake of my existing children and life as we all know it is reason enough for me to go through with one without it being on my conscience forever. It seems foolish to risk my DC's happiness.

I still believe we could work together to make things work but I don't know if I am strong enough to say I won't have a termination and put up with him until a point (which may never come) where he accepts it and tries to make a go if it. Big risk for me and my children.

I am going to see my GP today to talk it over with her. Don't know what good it will do but got to do something. I have suggested seeing Relate or something to DH but he won't hear of it.

We had a big row on Saturday and he basically said things were so awful after DD was born he can't ever go through it again. I said we should talk to someone about making sure it won't happen again or seeing what support is available but his mind is closed.

Truely the worst time of my life.