DH wants me to have a termination. . .

[pollywollywoowah]

. . . but I don't.

Just found out that I'm pg with DC3 after taking morning after pill. (We have DS age3 and DD 18mths and had not planned to have any more). We did discuss the possibility of the pill not working and both said termination wouldn't be an option for us.

However I told him last night that I'd done a pos pregnancy test and to cut a long story short he basically wants me to have an abortion. He says we are not good enough parents to cope with three children, we've just got our lives back on track after DD being born and I had a very hard time bonding with DD which was a horrible time.

I feel totally shocked and let down. I knew he wouldn't be at all pleased but expected him to feel like me - that it wasn't what we planned and far from ideal but we'd get through it and stick together and take responsibility for our actions. He thinks our relationship won't survive.

How can this ever be resolved? I can see his point - we need a bigger house and car, I wouldn't be able to go back to work so money would be very tight BUT I feel in my heart that those problems can be overcome one way or another.

I should mention we had two losses prior to DS being born so how can I possibly now terminate this pregnancy just because it is inconvenient?

I still think people are disregarding men's feelings. OK, so OPs DH took a lax approach to contraception so he has no 'right' to tell her to get a termination.

But like a woman, he is entitled to his feelings now that the unexpected has happened. Loads of women don't want kids but when they get PG they change their mind and have the baby.

Men can also respond to events - ie the 'oh shit' reflex when they realise how stupid they've been and how much they don't want the consequences.

He has no right to tell her to get a termination, but he can express his view that he wants her to. Women can change their minds and respond to 'surprises' so men can too.

OP, I do really sympathise with your situation, none of this is meant as any criticism of you. As others have said, ultimately is is your choice as it is your body.

I hope you can find a way forward that suits you both

This doesn't help her Expat... They probably will discuss that for the future but if i said that to my DH if we were in this situation, I know he'd be really hurt. It is both their responsibility that she's pregnant, saying if you'd had a vasectomy we wouldn't be in this mess won't help!

Sorry OP, I posted that last one before I saw your update.

Really hope you can work it out with your DH.

differentname - Sorry if i offend you but your post doesn't help imo and it is a different situation to the OP's.

I wanted more children, DH didn't, he had always been responsible for contraception so he went for the snip. If I was to get pregnant we would have the baby and he knows that.

Polly - my advice would be to text him back, apologise for the row and agree to a time when you will both talk about how you feel about this pregnancy and what you want without interrupting the otherone.

Your choices are - to have a termination against your true feelings and run the risk you will resent him forever.

• tell him you are having the baby regardless and he needs to decide if he wants to stay or go.

• have the baby adopted.

I really feel for you both but tbh you more so.

I have been in a very similar situation. I can't tell you what decision I made because in the event, it was taken out of my hands and I had a MC. Having said that, I sincerely doubt that I would have gone through with having a termination despite being pro-choice and having had a termination years before, which I do not regret for a minute.

Abortion cannot magic away a pregnancy as if it had never happened; whatever you decide, your relationship will never be quite the same again. I wonder if he appreciates this. On the other hand, you say you thought your DH would, like you, want to "stick together and take responsibility for our actions". IMO and possibly his a termination is taking responsibility for your actions. Which is not to say that you should have one, but rather that he isn't necessarily shirking responsibility.

My heart goes out to you OP. I wish I could help.

Who said to say that to him, sew?

It's true, and certainly something they need to discuss for the future.

But I never advised the OP to tell her husband that and nor has anyone else on the thread.

Polly maybe something to consider then if you want to go ahead with this is chat to your HV about what support would be available should PPND recur (becuase it does sound like you had a quite bad case) so that you can reassure him you have addressed the possibility? Its far easier toa ccess help before it happens (if) than whilst it is happening IYSWIM

I'm going to get massively flamed, but I would just have the abortion tbh. I just couldn't put up with the fact that every time there was an argument about money or whatever, it would be 'Well you chose to have the last baby so you can't complain' or if I had problems bonding with it 'Well I told you that but you ignored me'. Not to mention the risk of him finding it 'all too much' or whatever, and running out on me leaving me with three kids. I would personally rather have two kids and a functioning family and relationship than three kids and a potentially broken home. I know it is a very hard-headed way of seeing things and not everyone can see things like that, and of course he may love the baby so much when it arrives that none of this would be an issue. But I wouldn't want to risk it.

I think men have a lot of pressure on them to be the provider, especially if their DW doesn't work, and it can be very stressful and cause all sorts of problems. So I do have sympathy for his reasons for not wanting another child, and I agree with Morris that even thought men get out of the being pregnant/giving birth stuff, the downside is that once they get someone pregnat, they have no control over what happens with the baby.

I would just say, you didn't want anymore kids before and you said you had a hard time with the last one. Are you sure you really want this baby?

I agree Brahms, the decision has to be made for the good of the whole family - the family (as it is now) has priority.

Taking the MAP is actively seeking to not be pregnant, as is termination, I don't see any difference.

But Brahms will it be that easy?

Tbh I don't want any mroe either but wou8ld enver have a termination I dint want, it wouldnt save my marriage as I know I would resent DH for ever.

His view should be borne into account but ultimately the woman (usually) is te one left with the kids if the mariage collapses so she should make the call knowing what she could best live with long term. In all truth a marriage that would collapse with an extra child could easily collapse with financial stress, bereavement, any number of things.

And if the text kessages or otehr invovle anyhting that you interpret as attemoting to bully you into his decision (regardlkess of whether you decide to make it yourself) don't take it, nobody has the right to bully.

The difference is with the MAP you will never know if there was going to be a baby anyway whereas a termination is definitely stopping a pregnancy.

Yes Fab- hypothetical probably-not baby (whats the chance of conceiving in any one cycle, esp. if a once off chance?) V actual existent embbryo / baby (delete as your beleif sees appropriate)

It isn't just hypothetical. We conceived 2 out of 3 times in the first month of trying.

If she really wasn't bothered about gatting pregnant, she wouldn't have taken the MAP surely? She would have thought stuff it, I'm happy either way.

It was a deliberate act, chosen to ensure no pregnancy occured, I didn't even know there was much of a failure rate with the MAP tbh.
To me, a termination is just a continuation of that original choice, just because a woman is pregnant, that doesn't automatically assume a successful pregnancy in any case.

fifteen years ago my dh wanted me to have a termination. We had dd 4 and ds2. I went through with it and have lived to regret it and still hold resentment. Thing is we wennt on to have a third dc years later and he was very happy about it.

Taking the MAP is a lot easier than actually having a termination though.

I thought an early termination was now a pill?

I had to have a d+c about 16 years ago for an incomplete M/C, tbh we were both relieved as we didn't really want any more children - I would have had a termination otherwise.

I think a key part of the OP is getting lost amid the tide of discussion and personal experiences, which is this:

"We did discuss the possibility of the pill not working and both said termination wouldn't be an option for us."

So while they both agreed to try and avoid a pregnancy, they also both agreed on what would happen should pregnancy occur.

I think that your dh needs to explain to you what has now changed from when you discussed it before. Hopefully you can find a way to discuss it together and come to a decision together.

Valid point cytteen

Well he obviously didn't think she would get pregnant. It is a lot easier to say 'No, I could never get rid of our baby' when there isn't an actual baby - it sounds a lot nicer than saying 'If you got pregnant I'd want to get rid of it' - could risk causing an argument when there's no point in arguing when she isn't pregnant. Thinking like a man here!

Everyone changes their mind about stuff, especially major things like this. I don't think you can expect someone to maintain the same position, it's not realistic.

Brahms perhaps but equally if OP beleived that teh agreemnent was she would keep a baby that was conceived despite best efforts, then he does need to explain very clearly why he has changed his mind, and perhaps accept that she made this decision to consider keeping baby on the light of all facts known at the time and that I think does mean he has to take responisbility and to an extent suck it up, if after hearing his opinions (and OP please do try and listen to his POV, I know its hard when you are emotional) she still wants to carry on

It is him who ahs changed and somewhat after the event

Please don't have an abortion if you aren't 100% sure it's the right thing for you. Once done it can never be undone and your marriage and health may suffer.

Give your DH a few days, or a couple of weeks, to think about it and get used to the idea. Let him know his views mean a lot to you but you can't have a termination unless you're sure.

No-one can guarantee another child will be an esy run -but if your heart's not in it, you can guarantee an aobrtion won't be without it's consequences either.

Good luck xx

We wouldn't hammer a woman for planning to never have a termination in the case of an accidental pregnancy, but feeling otherwise once she was actually pregnant. It's the same thing. A few months ago I used to think that if I got accidentally pg I would keep it. Now I wouldn't. I don't have to 'stick by' my earlier position, and I don't have to explain why I've changed my mind.

The plain facts are: yes, he once said that he would never want a termination. Well, now he does. How he 'should' react is irrelevant, he is reacting like this now.