DH wants me to have a termination. . .

[pollywollywoowah]

. . . but I don't.

Just found out that I'm pg with DC3 after taking morning after pill. (We have DS age3 and DD 18mths and had not planned to have any more). We did discuss the possibility of the pill not working and both said termination wouldn't be an option for us.

However I told him last night that I'd done a pos pregnancy test and to cut a long story short he basically wants me to have an abortion. He says we are not good enough parents to cope with three children, we've just got our lives back on track after DD being born and I had a very hard time bonding with DD which was a horrible time.

I feel totally shocked and let down. I knew he wouldn't be at all pleased but expected him to feel like me - that it wasn't what we planned and far from ideal but we'd get through it and stick together and take responsibility for our actions. He thinks our relationship won't survive.

How can this ever be resolved? I can see his point - we need a bigger house and car, I wouldn't be able to go back to work so money would be very tight BUT I feel in my heart that those problems can be overcome one way or another.

I should mention we had two losses prior to DS being born so how can I possibly now terminate this pregnancy just because it is inconvenient?

I just want to plug in my experience, which has nothing to do with termination but lots to do with unexpected 3rd pg.

I got pregnant while using the mirena - very unexpectedly!! I had had serious kidney problems during and severe pnd after the birth of ds. Dh and I are both opposed to abortion for us, so there was never a choice in that way for us. I wept for days when we got the +ve test.

It took me weeks to get my head round it - and the pregnancy was awful with a recurrence of the kidney issue - which was recurrent kidney stones - through the whole pregnancy and then bad PND - I was really very il after dd2 was born and it was a very hard time for us.

My dh would never have thought of leaving but it took him at least 3 years to bond properly with dd2. I was quicker - but it was about a year - one of the reasons I think that I ended up bf for 2 years as the first year that I found such a duty, I wanted to do it for fun and pleasure for us both!

Fast forward to now - she is 6y4m. A wee dream. A real blessing to the whole family (she was born just after a major family bereavement for dh's family). She's sparky, fun, bright and often a real pain in the bum a lot of the time. She completed our family, which we thought was already complete.

I can't promise, or really imagine, that it will be this way for you. But it was for us!

'I thought an early termination was now a pill?'

It's two pills. You take one and go home. Then you have to go into hospital a couple of days later for the second one and stay there until you pass the products of conception.

It's not just a pill.

It's a medically induced miscarriage, with the chance that, if it doesn't go well and there are retained products, you'll need to go to theatre for an evacuation.

He changed his mind.

She hasn't. It's her body, her choice.

BrahsmsI absolutely agree with you that he can react however he wants

Really I do

but he is only a part of this and if someone has to make the decision it should be either A) the person who will care for the baby if the marraige breaks down; C) the person who has to carry the baby for 9 months; C0 the person who has not changed her opinion after the event

in all cases that is OP

Now I hope so very much that an agreement either way can be agreed upon so that no hearts are bhroken and the marriage remains strong

That of course would be optimum

Yes of course she has final choice. Not disputing that for one second. It is an unfair biological advantage to women that they get to choose whether or not to have the baby, but it is morally right that they do have the choice, as it's their body and they tend to do most of the childcare work anyway. But OP needs to realise that if she makes the choice to keep it, he may not change his mind and could always resent the baby, and her for keeping it. There is no point saying 'He should feel xyz' if he doesn't. I wouldn't be able to cope with a baby if my DP wasn't 100% behind me. Men can be bad enough even when they do want the baby, staying behind at work on purpose so they miss bedtime, refusing to do childcare (have worked with lots of men like this). Dread to think what they are like when they don't even want the baby.

Thats true Brahms, although equally she could resent him which would equally damaging.

Personally (and this is no use to OP) I would feel able to take on a baby alone if if it were that or a termination but would of course hate to make that decision (which is why Dh is after a vasectomy.....)

I'm not entirely sure it's changing his mind - I suspect like Brahms says - he really didn't think through the possibility of the MAP not working. I've taken it twice and tbh it's never crossed my mind either.

So possibly, in his mind, they had agreed they weren't going to have another baby and he thinks the OP has changed hers.

Again, just trying to think like a man here.

No time for proper reply as two children to feed before i go to work but thank you for all your thoughts and opinions. Will read and reply properly tomorrow.

We have apologised for text row and agreed to talk properly later. Although he did add "i won't change my mind though" which wasn't helpful.

'Men can be bad enough even when they do want the baby, staying behind at work on purpose so they miss bedtime, refusing to do childcare (have worked with lots of men like this). Dread to think what they are like when they don't even want the baby.'

I cannot for the life of me see why anyone, male or female, would find this type of behaviour tolerable in a partner.

If they don't want the baby, and they're never there anyhow and do their fair share, that's not really a healthy relationship I'd want my children to see as an example.

Can't see the point in staying with someone like that, tbh, and certainly wouldn't let someone like that try to manipulate me into having an operation on my body that I didn't want.

Early termination doesn't involve an operation - sorry but it annoys me when terminations are portrayed as more grisly or traumatising than they often are.

But I agree, nobody should manipulate anybody into having a termination. Ultimately is the woman's choice, but partner has every right to say his peice.

'Early termination doesn't involve an operation - sorry but it annoys me when terminations are portrayed as more grisly or traumatising than they often are.'

It most certainly does if you don't want to or cannot do the two pills option.

Some people find it very traumatising, usually if they never wanted it in the first place.

Of course some people find it very traumatising.

And many people don't.

The fact that is is 'an operation on the body' isn't really the point, the point is whether or not the person wants the termination, obviously OP doesn't.

It just sounds suspiciously close to the anti abortion lobby - don't do it, it's a traumatising operation etc.

'It just sounds suspiciously close to the anti abortion lobby - don't do it, it's a traumatising operation etc. '

Bollocks.

It's a choice, but it's not as simple as just pop a pill and be done with it.

A friend of mine just had one and had to stay in hospital after the second pill. She was warned if it didn't work the way it should then it has to be evacuated.

It's the same type of warning they give you even if you have a surgical evacuation for termination or for missed miscarriage.

If a person doesn't want the termination, she's most likely to find it traumatic.

Yes, if you don't want the termination it will be traumatic, but for mainly emotional reasons surely.

Childbirth is physically traumatic for many women but I've yet to see that advanced as a reason not to have kids.

I had a termination and I just 'popped a pill and was done with it' so that is why I don't like to see it described as traumatic in general, though clearly there is no doubt here given how the OP feels.

No one described it as 'traumatic'. You read that into it yourself.

This friend of mine wasn't allowed to go home until things had gone the way the hospital felt they should after hte second pill.

That's hardly popping a pill and you're done with it, particularly if you never wanted ito to begin with.

Even the counsellor is going to detail what the procedure entails.

So will whatever healthcare professional discusses the option with a person. They have to for a person to give informed consent.

If a person wants it, fair enough, that's why the choice is there.

But the OP doesn't and it's her body.

YOu can even google it and you'll find it described in even more detail.

Are all those descriptions 'traumatic', too?

Well we agree on that, OP has the choice.

I fell pg at 27. We didnt have any children at the time and although it was an accident I was thrilled and secretly excited. When I told OH he was not happy. He said we couldn't afford it, we needed a bigger flat, we weren't ready blah blah. I was talked into a termination and I have never, ever forgotten it. No it wasn't grisly, no it wasn't very painful but it wasn't what I wanted and I hated myself for sitting in that room and walking in and getting on the couch.
When I came round after the GA with paper knickers tucked round my waist and realised it was over I felt awful.
I lost complete respect for myself that day and have never realy got it back.

I am totally pro-choice and agree 100% with a PP about it neednt be a traumatic experience. Bt IT WILL BE if you dont really want to do it.

If you have only just found out then give him some time.You have to think about this.

That's really the crux of the matter: not whether or not choice should exist, because of course it should. But a husband or partner who didn't use a condom (even though they knew the women wasn't using anything else) then trying to coerce or manipulate her into having a medical procedure she doesn't want.

IMO, that's wrong and unhealthy, be it a termination, a boob job, a tummy tuck, weight loss surgery, Botox, etc.

And wrong, too, for women to do to men.

There is a thread on AIBU at the moment, where the OP's DH will not do anything for mother's day despite her really wanting him to. Their DS was a little bit of a mistake. The husband tells her she's a bad mother and never helps with the baby because 'it's your job' because 'you wanted him'.

That's the sort of scenario that would be in my head if I was contemplating going ahead with a pregnancy my DP didn't really want.

Again, a person like that really isn't worth staying with, IMO.

A person who tries to control his partner's body and life through cruelty, threats and manipulation.

Sounds like a real catch there!

Ok. Now I will get drawn back in. You can't compare a termination as a medical procedure to having a boob job. A boob job exists on it's own - if you don't have it, there will be no consequences.

If you don't have a termination then however many months later having endured whatever PG symptoms etc you will give birth, very possibly in a painful way involving medication, intervention or CS requiring 6 weeks recovery.

So 'don't have this, it's a medical procedure' doesn't wash, becuase not having it means there will be much bigger procedures to come.

Please can I repeat - none of this applies to OP and I know that as she doesn't a termination it would be very difficult for her to have one.

I've had this argument endlessly elsewhere online with anti abortion people who think that abortion in itself is risky to the mother, painful and invasive. I'd bet the stats would show that pregnancy and childbirth are more risky, painful and invasive.

In general, NOT regarding this OP.

I don't know why so many people are being so judgy as to why the couple risked conception. The point is-it's happened and the op is in a very difficult position.

It happened to me and I kept my baby despite lots of pressure from dds dad. I have never regretted it. He's buggered off but never mind. I realised that I didn't want to be with a man who gives me such an ultimatum anyway. Do you op? You deserve to be supported.

However, I didn't have as much at stake as you do op as had no other children.

He sounds like a selfish twat. Is it REALLY necessary to have massive houses and lots of cash? What ever happened to pulling together, hand-me downs, pooling resources and making do?

Hope your ok op.