life turned upside down

[dawntildusk]

I am really freaked out and need help putting this in perspective.
Here goes.
2 weeks ago a good friend of 25 years told me straight out that my dh (then boyfriend) raped her. It happened 14 years ago. She told me she has no recollection whatsoever of the night leading up to or immediately after the event. She woke up with him in the bed and he was inside her. She shouted at him and he left. Obviously I was shattered, devastated, nauseous, reeling from the shock. I sympathised with her, held her and hugged her and apologised over and over. When I confronted dh he was all the above multiplied by a million. His recollection of the event is this. We were all out drinking for the afternoon at a rugby match followed by the pub and then a club. 16 hours later we went to her house and he was helped to bed(by my brother and me). During the night he got out of our bed, he reckons to go to the bathroom, and climbed back in her bed. He remembers kissing and fondling, he does not deny he may have penetrated her but only "came too" after some kissing and they both realised what was happening at the same time. He left immediately, still really drunk and went back to bed.
I don't know what I am looking for by posting this but the word "rape" for me conjures up much different images than the one described to me. We have been married 12 years and have 4 beautiful children. My dh has been a kind, thoughtful, caring and supportive partner to me and I love him dearly. My friend is single, turning 40 this year and is blaming her recent breakdown on this event. I am so confused and need to know what you think. Is this rape?

Is this rape?

I would have taken it as genuine as it was very specific, the top was white, but as you say, the whole thing his word against hers.

Agree with Wannabe and Seahorses too. If she's been raped she should take it to the police. Let them make the decision to prosecute, charge or no charge OP's DH. This way, he gets a chance to defend himself and she gets a chance to get jutice.

The whole whispering campaign, in my mind, is waaayyy worse than facing a judge and a jury. With this telling of friends, no one will ever come to even a semblance of what happened and OP's DH's name will be tarnished even more than if he had to face her in court and let a jury make up its mind.

Hello again! Something really trange happened and I was not able to log on for DAYS! have been intouch ewith mimsnet team numerous times and have tried logging on every day to no avail. Anyay am back now and have loads to tell you all. I met with my friend and we spoke for FOUR hours. She was gracious enough to allow me to read out my husbands memories of the night, we were both so calm and proper it was freaky! We spoke about our own relationship as friends too and if there was any chance of saving it which we both agreed there was no chance. I never told her I didn,t beleive her. I did ask if she would allow herself to thik about the night, now that she had more details. She told me that it helped her tremedously to know that we had all been drinking/drug taking as she feels that it was less likely that there was intent on his part considering how out of it he/she was. She told me she would explore his memories with her counsellor. I cannot obviously write everything that was said down here but We both felt huge relief that the "standoff" was over. we ended up going for a drink after four hours in a car park and we left it saying that now the lines of communication are open we can at least be civil to each other when we inevitably meet. I have not read back though the more recent posts as was so delighted to be able to log on I wanted to write straight away. Suffice it to say I feel like a different person to the one I was when I first wrote here. I really do think this is the end of it and a very hopeful that, over time, her memories will come back and help her to heal.

bump

Hi Dawn

I havent read through any of the posts since i left, but just wanted to write how glad i am that it's looking to be sorted. How weird that i checked the thread tonight after you typed that!!

xx

Hi Dawntildusk, I would like to second nattiecake by saying I'm really pleased you were able to have such a worthwhile conversation with your friend. Hopefully this will help your friend to move on too. I also hope that you and your husband can use this event to some good? Your first topic here on mumsnet was quite a serious one and the response you've received here reflects that but I hope writing here has been good for you too and that you'll continue now that you've started. Best of luck to you, your husband and your friend.