Grace I agree with the others, get back in contact with him yes, but keep him at arms' length and be prepared to cut contact if you have to.
Hello all - I know I haven't been here in ages, but I just felt like I wanted to type out an experience with XP and get some other perspectives on it. I am sorry it has turned into a bit of a novel!
This was towards the end of our relationship, in fact about a year ago, it was around my birthday last year, the events of this week led to me having huge doubts about the relationship, three months later I found the first NPD thread, and the rest is history really.
Anyway, it was my birthday last year and my cousin M from Scotland was coming to stay for a week. I hadn't seen her in 3 years and was really excited to see her, as we were really close as children. XP hadn't met her at all. He seemed happy/indifferent that she was coming and was happy for her to stay in our spare room. (Although all he would ask was "Is she hot?" rather than "What does she do/is she interested in/etc" ) Anyway, so the first night I invited my mum and sister over (as they hadn't seen her in 6 years) and we decided to make a big chilli for everyone to share. I definitely told XP about this plan in advance, but when they all turned up he suddenly got all moody and said "Why are all these people in my house, I can't relax with loads of people round". (Funny, he seemed to be able to relax very loudly when his friends were round and kept me awake when I was pregnant or woke DS up when he was tiny) Also kept telling me I hadn't told him about the plan, or that he thought they were coming round another night, but wouldn't back down and say "Oh, ok, I misunderstood you" which annoyed me. Despite me spending ages on this chilli, he refused to eat any and holed himself up upstairs putting up some shelves with his friend. I was so embarrassed! Me, my mum, sister and M stayed up really late chatting and catching up, and although we were talking quietly, XP was in a mood by the time I went to bed, having lain awake waiting for me to come up, because he said we had kept him up.
The next day he was happy that it would just be me, him and M that night. He actually ate with us and then we all had a drink together. Except then he ended up having a really pointless argument with M about whether Scottish money is legal/accepted in England or not, and decided that she hated him, and that everyone in my family was against him. She was completely bemused by this and we talked it over the next day while he was at work and tried to work out why on earth he would have made his mind up so early on. She offered to babysit for us so that me and XP could go out for a meal, and the plan was that XP would look after DS while I went for a drink another night with M and my sister. Me and M tidied up the whole house and made it perfect, but when XP got home, I was putting DS to bed, he saw M and didn't even mention all the tidy house but walked straight through to the living room and got the hoover out as if to say "Oh, look at me, so hard done by, I have to do all this hard work" (Which he did most days, tidying/cleaning up while making loud huffing noises)
The day we were meant to go for a drink, XP didn't turn up home from work. I couldn't work out why, then texted him and he replied "I'm in the car" so I went down to the driveway and got in the car with him to talk to him. He just said he was too stressed out by having "all these people here all the time" and he wouldn't look after DS. We didn't end up going for a drink, M got a bit annoyed/frustrated with me just giving up on it without a fight and said "It's like he doesn't want to let you out". Eventually spoke to XP and he admitted that yes, he didn't want me to go out for a drink with M because he didn't trust her and basically expected me to get really drunk (magically because I was with this "bad influence" and shag some other bloke.
Then there was the disastrous ikea trip - this really was the culmination of everything. We went in two cars, me, XP and DS, and then my mum, sister and M. First, they got lost and went to the wrong car park, then we realised nobody had brought their phones and the only people who had phones hadn't swapped numbers. Eventually found each other in the cafe, had something to eat, and then walked round the shop. XP kept going off in a huff, god knows why, except that he didn't like M. He was doing that passive aggressive thing "Oh you go on, spend time with your cousin, you won't see her for ages, I know you like her more than me" By the time we got to the warehouse (after many arguments about what to buy and whether we could afford it etc) everyone was grouchy, we were all starving, XP was in a huge mood and M was starting to feel ill (with a cold). Eventually got through the tills and we had to go to that little collection point thing and wait for one or two things we had bought. DS was getting upset by this point so it didn't make sense for us all to wait, we took DS back to the car and I fed him. XP was waiting ages and getting more and more worked up because he was annoyed at being left to wait on his own (!) and then eventually when we got back to the car, we couldn't fit everything in. My mum ended up having to take DS home in her car because of the carseat being too big, but I thought that XP was going to break some of the stuff with the force he was cramming it into the car.
That night M said she would babysit so that me and XP could go out for a meal. She was still a bit annoyed that we hadn't been out for a drink yet (as was I, but I was going to let it go for a quiet life) but she felt that me and XP needed some time out for us. She was still feeling a bit rough with this cold, and DS didn't know her that well, so she asked my mum and sister to come over to sit with her. All perfectly innocent and fair reasons, I thought, but for some reason XP took great offence to this and the whole way there just ranted and ranted at me "She's so cheeky, how come she gets to have people over when she babysits, I would have to look after DS on my own, I can't believe she has done this." By the time we got there I really did not feel like eating, so I said "What's the point of going in here and paying for some nice food when I'm not even going to enjoy it, this was supposed to be a nice night. We might as well go home."
We spent the next 2 hours or so driving around the countryside having the biggest row of our relationship, but just going round in circles saying the same things. I told him I felt his behaviour was at times abusive, he demanded to know who had said this, I kept refusing until finally I said that I'd seen people post on mumsnet with similar things and they had been told their partners were abusive, and that my mum did like him but didn't like the way he treated me/spoke to me sometimes. But the whole conversation was basically him saying "I do everything for you, I would do anything for you, tell me what is wrong" and me ending up trying not to tell him everything that was wrong with him, it was weird, looking back it was very manipulative. But he kept saying "I'll be different, it's ok, just tell me what you want, you want me to be affectionate, and compliment you, I will." and me trying to explain that it wasn't good enough, I didn't want him to do it because I wanted him to do it, I wanted him to just do it because it came from the heart. Eventually it calmed down enough (or TBH I gave up because we were going round in circles and he wasn't getting it) and we did go for a meal but I really didn't enjoy it, I just wanted to cry. We talked about completely different things over the meal, if it strayed anywhere towards the argument he would get a warning kind of look in his eyes and change the subject. I noticed later that he would never talk to me about these serious things face to face, it had to be when he was driving, or in the dark in the middle of the night. Driving arguments were difficult because I was conscious all the time that he was in control of the car and I didn't want to say anything that would make him suicidal or make him stop in the middle of nowhere and kick me out (neither ever happened)
So eventually, I never got to go for a drink with my cousin, because her cold got worse quite quickly. I would not be surprised at all if it was living with the stress of XP - just for a week - that made her ill. My mum was really upset and angry that she'd babysat just so we could go out and have a huge argument. And during the holiday, M said to me if I ever decided to leave XP and needed someone to come and help pay the rent she would move in with me as soon as she finished at uni I didn't need her help in the end but it was a lovely offer. It probably pushed me towards thinking "It would be OK if I left".
Phew! Sorry that was so long, well done if you got through it all... took me about an hour and a half to write all that!