stressedmummys counselling session.

[stressedmummy]

Thought I would start a new thread to update you on my counselling session today, as I have had my last thread deleted.
It was during my lunch hour & I managed to keep my cool throughout it all, which was probably because I had it in my mind that I had to walk straight back into class afterwards!
I told her as much as I could in that hour & she was suprised at how calm I seemed, as what I was telling her about H made her feel all tense.
I explained to her that when I do lose it & get all tearful, I remain like it for hours & hours.
She told me that I have been brave to confront him & to speak to the SENCO.
She also said that he sounds like the kind of man who would be capable of lashing out at me one day (which was similar to what my HV said)
& she thinks it would be a good idea for me to go on this freedom course.
I told her that the only thing that was holding me back is the real acceptance of abuse & she said that she could tell that although I am accepting he is abusive, I am still a little in denial of the severity of my situation.
Now I am back from work, I am trying to digest it all!

But won't he just bug you about what you have said, try and prevent you going? Argue with you about it and try and put his own side?
I think for now it is your private thing - but I do think it's fair enough for him to be told in no uncertain terms that it is reasonable for you to talk to people to seek help, because of the way he tries to force you to live your life.

Dont you think though Blu - all the time that SM's H thinks that she isnt talking about him - he thinks he is "getting away" with this bad behaviour. It is like their secret (or so he thinks)

Yes, I do very much agree with that. Especially when he makes deliberate efforts to stop SM talking to members of her own family, and her friends, or cutting off MSN. I think it is very abusive.

But I suppose I see counselling as a bit different - confidential between the counsellor and SM - and that the effects and power of counselling could be undermined if H is sticking his oar in. Perhaps I thik SM could say something like 'yes of course I am discussing my relationship with you in the counselling sessions, but it is not part of the counselling process to share what I say!'

Didn't your counsellor have a view on this, SM?

Yes - i agree Blu Re: the couselling. I suppose i meant "generally" talking about him. Friends , family etc.
btw i dont think SM will be around this evening as it is our towns annual "carnival". I am not going due to DS3. The rest of the town WILL be there!!!

You didn't miss much Tess!
It was the first carnival I have been to where I have not had one drop of alcahol during the event & I was getting the serious shakes!!!
I went with my parents & came home pretty much straight after. Gone are the days of going out on the pull afterwards!!!
Anyway, back to the subject of H!
I think he must know that he is being discussed & I will probably go over some of the things at a later date, but right now I would rather just go, take in what she has to say & maybe gain a little strength from the sessions without H getting all paranoid & defensive about it all.
I have told the counsellor that he has asked about the sessions & is also well aware that the HV is still visiting and that he MUST know he is the reason for me having to have all this support right now, but he rarely mentions anything about it.
She said it is because he is probably in some kind of denial & although he probably knows deep down why I am getting the support I am, it is easier for him not to face up to it.
He actually asked if I had talked about him today & I just answered "Yes, amongst other things" & left it at that.
He then said "That's not very nice to talk about me to your counsellor"
He wasn't saying it in a nasty way, but in a very insecure way IYKWIM?
I don't really want to go into more detail ATM with him.

Got a feeling that we are in for another fun day with H.
He has been on nights has now gone to bed, which is always a nightmare with the kids around.
Ds1 started wailing loundly because ds2 let his ballon go in the garden & it went floating off!
I asked ds1 to stop crying, because his own balloon was still safe inside, but he didn't stop wailing, so I threatened him that he would go up to his room if he continued.
He carried on wailing loudly, so I asked him to go to his bedroom & he refused.
I asked again & he still would not do as he was told, so I ended up having to shout at him, which I am not proud about.
He went up to his room after that & after 5 mins when the noise had stopped I asked him if he was going to come down & show me what a good boy he could be.
He said he was going to be good & I was just telling him to come back down with us, when H shouted out from his room "No he is not getting out of his room, you woke me up with all the noise, so he can stay in there until I wake up now." (This is normally around 11.30am)
He said that if I allowed him out of his room before he woke up, then he would spend all afternoon in his room.
Why does he always have to take complete control over the situations?
I know I was wrong to shout, but sometimes when they are pushing my patience it happens.
I don't think it is reasonable to expect him to stay in his room for hours & hours, but if I go against him he will go mad & then ds will have to suffer all afternoon as well.
I feel so guilty & powerless right now.

Just read that back & I sound like a hideous mother.
I try not to shout too much, but sometimes when they continue not to do as they are told it happens.
I just wanted him to go upstairs, calm down & then come back downstairs when he had, but now H is involved it has all gone out of my control & it is my fault.

Why do you sound like a hideous mother? You lost you patience, fair enough, but we all do that at times, and you are under a lot of pressure. do not blame yourself.

You should not read it as you being a hideous mother, but as h being a truly hideous and despicable father. He has no right to say what he did, and he had no right to take control of the situation from you.

Are you going to spend the rest of the holidays like this? Are you going to let h ruin your time with your dss? Just think about the pressure you are under, and the extra stress and pressure for ds1 (who is already showing the strains of h's behaviour). This is supposed to be his holida - and yours. Something has got to change, and quickly, in my opinion.

I feel for you and your boys.

I feel awful.
I know there will be no point arguing with H when he gets up, because it will all be my fault for waking him up.
I really want to let ds out of his room, but I know things will be unbearable when H wakes up if I do & ds will suffer this afternoon as a consequence.
I feel so powerless right now.
I hate it when he has been on nights.

He is so controlling dinosaur.
He will make our life Hell & ds will suffer more as a consequence.
I was in a similar situation last summer & H told ds that he had to stay in his room all day.
He then went out to his friends house, leaving ds in his room & me prisinor in my own home.
By lunchtime I took it upon myself to let him out of his room, as I felt he had been punished enough & he was my child.
I allowed him to go to the cinema with his Nanny that pm & when H retuned he went mad.

She is at work today.

I have just been up there & he seems ok.
He is playing with a transformer on his bed & ds2 has just gone into his room too.
Ds1 did ask me when I went in there, when Daddy was getting up.
I have told H before that you cannot leave a child in their room for much more than 10 minutes, because apart from anything, they forget why they are up there.

That would be nice dinosaur!!!
He is up now, H got up early because he couldn't sleep due to noise.
I went in & told ds he could come downstairs & he said "I am ok Mummy, don't worry."
He is downstairs now & H has gone off somewhere, complaining of being tired.

You are not making me feel worse dinosaur, I am grateful of all your advice.

I hope so too!
My ds is a lovely natured little boy & is now playing happily with his brother.
Thanks for being around dinosaur.

x posts!
Well it makes me feel better that I am not the only one feeling cross with H!
Thanks to you & CQ for being around. I really needed someone to talk to.

Sorry, didn't see your bit about next summer dinosaur.
I really hope I am not still in the same miserable situation by then.
I cannot do much ATM, due to circumstances, but will not allow any of this to continue much longer.
He has gone round to help my Dad with something now & I am just about to go round to see a friend with the boys, so we will be out of his hair if he decides to have a sleep this afternoon.