He just told me he doesn't want to marry me!!

[xb2b]

Dp proposed in December. Bought me a beautiful ring. We have been together 5 years, have 2 children. Things are good, great i would say.
We chose a date, spoke to the priest, booked the church, viewed hotels, booked a reception. Ordered my dream dress with all accessories, looked in kilt hire shops for his outfits.
Chose flower girl outfits together, bought them. Had an engagement party, lots of family and friends. Asked the best man, bridesmaids. Told our parents.
Last night, he was in silence, went to bed early, when i went up i asked him what was up. He said, "i don't want to get married, i have been thinking and i am not ready, sorry" He then went onto saying he would LEAVE today. He hasn't went into work because he needs to pack. He hasn't started packing but will not speak to me at all.
Last night i asked why, he said " it's not you it's me"

What the hell? I am so confused. Things have been great i thought. I am so upset. I haven't slept, i can't eat. I have no one to talk to, he wont answer me.

You have 2 children, he can't just up and leave without giving you some kind of explanation. Breakdown, depression, OW maybe?? Where does he plan on going?

Given that he's committed to you enough to have the dc's with you, it seems a little odd that the thought of a wedding would suddenly freak him out. Do any of his friends or family know what's going on? Could you maybe contact them?

Very sorry you are going through this, it must be hellish.

I really don't know. He won't tell me what is going on. I am racking my head for answers but i just don't know.
Exactly, i mean we live together, have done for 3 years, we have a 2 yo and a 5 mo, we are basically married.

Can I ask how old you both are, xb2b? The reason I ask is that DH and I were together five years and had one DS when I wanted to get married. We did, but DH had this bizarre notion that he had to be 'over 26' . Once he reached this magical age, it was ok for him to get hitched. He was terrified that everything would somehow be different after the register office. It wasn't, of course.

Sometimes it can be easy to get swept away with things and then regret it later.

But he's done you a favour. Would you have rather he kept quiet and married you knowing that wasn't what he wanted? At least he's been honest with you. He could have gone along with it all, it would have been the easiest option. Now he faces having to tell his friends and family that it's all off and he risks losing what he has.

Who knows what set it all off? Perhaps he's getting frightened by it all, not yet ready to go the extra mile, perhaps he wants to pursue the dreams he had when he was young and that doesn't include being married with 2 kids.

Yes it is ultimately selfish - if only you could walk out on your life as easily. I'm sure you had dreams and aspirations too.

If he's been brave enough to call it quits now, then he really ought to be brave enough to tell you the reasons why. Unless he doesn't quite know himself.

You need to know where he is going - he has responsibilities to his 2 children. He may be able to walk away from marriage but you cannot walk away from parenthood.

I suggest you call in reinforcements. Call round his parents and friends and explain what's going on. Choose one sensible person to call round and try to talk to him. They need to know what's going on too and if he can't talk to you perhaps he can talk to them.

I'm so sorry for you. But you deserve answers.

money perhaps?

i agree with rhubarb.

it's not as easy as, 'well, bye, i'm leaving' when you have children with someone.

Is he worried about the scale/cost/complexity of all these wedding arrangments?

I agree with Rhubarb, he needs to talk to someone, because you need answers.

Maybe money? We are okay though, we don't struggle, he changed jobs just over a year ago and makes more money, and doesn't have to commute so saves there also.
We are 24, that could also be the case - but why ask me in the first place?? I don't get it.
Of course i am so glad he told me.

I have thought about giving his mum a text. I mean it was only Sunday she had her wedding dress out gushing and remembering her big day. So i think she would understand, but i don't want to annoy him.

if he is refusing to speak to you, i'd text his mother.

Could it be just temporary cold feet?

So sorry you're going through this

As others have said, married or not, he has responsibilities and owes you at least some honest answers.

Another one with Rhubarb, if he wont talk to you, ask someone to talk to him on your behalf (Dad, brother, best mate?).

so what do you thinkm may have prompted the proposal??

and how has he been with regards to the wedding plans? reluctant,very enthusiastic?

Ok. Well, whatever his reasons he doesn't get to just walk away without any explanation. I would call his mum as a last resort if he won't talk to you or tell you why he's suddenly gone cold.

i wouldnt involve his family or friends at this stage.

Please don't text. Things like this need to be talked through.

Text is a horrible way to find out news like this.

It doesn't matter what his reasons are and he may not tell you the truth anyway.
RIght now, concentrate on getting support for yourself. Has he left the house? If not, tell him to go for a few days while the dust settled. Then, while he's gone, sort out everything you need to know about the house, finance, acccess to the DC etc and present him with a list of what's going to happen.

If he's having a self-indulgent hissy fit, spelling out for him how much his life will change might shock him into settling down and talking to you honestly. If he really does want to leave, then being calm and practical, no matter how awful you feel, will actually help because you will be retaining your dignity.
If this is the start of a big fanny around where he's going to start coming and going and agonising about his feelings, basically in order to make you run around madly trying to please him, then a complete refusal to engage with the game is the only way to win it. If your response to threats of leaving is total subjection to his every whim and frienzied attempts to hold on to him, you have given him a huge weapon to use on you and he will torture you with it as long as he can.

Hi,

re your comment:-

"Exactly, i mean we live together, have done for 3 years, we have a 2 yo and a 5 mo, we are basically married".

Hard as this is, the fact remains you are not. You are, as it stands, not related to each other in legal terms.

Him giving you, "its not you its me" is no real answer at all. He needs to be totally honest with you - what has really caused him to change his mind re marriage?. Did his parents have a happy marriage or otherwise?. What is his actual opinion on marriage?.
Sometimes this does influence such a decision although it is really no excuse at all for his behaviour.

I also wonder if he has met someone else, what has really triggered his decision to leave?. Packing a bag with a minimal amount of notice as well towards you makes me think he had planned this for a while. Do you know where he's going?.

He is still responsible for his children in both emotional and financial terms; he cannot just walk away from them and they deserve to still have a relationship with him.

I think you need to know where you stand in legal terms. Is the property jointly owned, what about other finances like bank account, credit cards etc. There is an awful lot for you to consider here.

You do deserve full and honest answers from him and I hope you get those. I think he has acted very cruelly.

I would also be wary of trying to get other people to put pressure on him to return and go through with the wedding. If he is genuinely unsure but gets bullied or coerced into continuing a relationship for the time being, he will a) throw this at you every time you argue and b) probably fuck off again at some point anyway.

Not sure, But when i told my best friend that he had proposed, she told me that he had told her in july that he was going to and was saving for a ring. JULY!

It was him who asked me to phone up hotels and make appointments to go in and see them on his day off, and it was him who said 'this is it, lets book this one' when we viewed. He was there and he helped choose the first flwer girl dress, we had to order the 2nd one because they didn't have the size, but he knew all of that.

Aboslutely no text messages. If you talk to wider family members this needs to be done face to face. Phone calls won't cut it and texting is really non communication at all.

has he packed and left yet?

You don't want to annoy him?

He is acting like an oversized sulky child, he owes you an explanation, call his mum and anyone else who might be able to get any sense out of him.
Saying "I don't wanna" doesn't cut it I'm afraid , he is a father , with all the responsibilites that entails.

This doesn't sound as though it is anything to do with the wedding, so I wouldn't focus on that too much.

You need to see him as soon as you can and get him to talk. Grown-ups don't act like this, sorry.

His parents are still married and happy, have been 30odd years. Same with mine.

Sadly some people see getting married as a bigger tie than having children and this could be too much for him.