He just told me he doesn't want to marry me!!

[xb2b]

Dp proposed in December. Bought me a beautiful ring. We have been together 5 years, have 2 children. Things are good, great i would say.
We chose a date, spoke to the priest, booked the church, viewed hotels, booked a reception. Ordered my dream dress with all accessories, looked in kilt hire shops for his outfits.
Chose flower girl outfits together, bought them. Had an engagement party, lots of family and friends. Asked the best man, bridesmaids. Told our parents.
Last night, he was in silence, went to bed early, when i went up i asked him what was up. He said, "i don't want to get married, i have been thinking and i am not ready, sorry" He then went onto saying he would LEAVE today. He hasn't went into work because he needs to pack. He hasn't started packing but will not speak to me at all.
Last night i asked why, he said " it's not you it's me"

What the hell? I am so confused. Things have been great i thought. I am so upset. I haven't slept, i can't eat. I have no one to talk to, he wont answer me.

I'm so sorry this has gone so south so quickly. I just hope you get an explanation soon, all the second-guessing must be driving you round the bend. What an awful situation for you

My Ex did this.

He explained it as that he had "got a crush" on a girl. Swore hand on heart that "nothing had happened" but felt that because he felt he could get a crush on someone that meant we shouldn't get married. (We were living together but did not have children BTW.)

I was devastated. I said that if he didn't want to get married I understood, but that it meant splitting up, selling the house and moving back with our parents. I did also say that it was perfectly OK to have a crush now and again as long as you did nothing about it - they soon pass.

At the mention of splitting up there was a complete about-turn. He decided it was me he wanted, blah-de-blah.

We got married but I was a nervous wreck right up to the wedding and remained so afterwards as I was so worried he didn't really want me.

He dumped me when we had been married two years, still swearing blind that there was no one else. Mumsnet had not been invented then but I have learned enough since to be 99% confident that he was cheating on me all along, right from the start (not saying your DH was the same).

If he is asked what broke up his marriage these days he would probably say that it was because I was a neurotic mess. And he would partly be right. But I now know why I was a neurotic mess.

I was and am a Christian, and am still furious at being prepared to call off my wedding but persuaded otherwise by a liar and a cheat. My now DH is a catholic and my being divorced has caused him problems with his church, which he shrugs off but make us both very sad.

You will regard this as a lucky escape in years to come.

Hope you're feeling slightly stronger today. I cannot imagine how it must feel to go from being secure, having plans for the future and being happy, to suddenly having all that crumble away.

He is being astonishingly cruel. How do you do that to someone and then walk away without a word of explanation? Did he not even say when he'd be back to see his dcs?

I can understand that you'll be in shock right now - the anger comes later I think. I hope you have people around you right now to love and support you. Please do know that you've also a bunch of friends here who can lend a listening ear.

xb2b How are you this morning? Have you heard from him? Thinking of you x

I have been thinking of you too. Hope you have lots of friends and family supporting you.

Thank you all, every single one of you. Mumsnet is a god send isn't it.
He phoned last night, saying he needed 2 weeks alone to decide if he still loved me. He isn't happy and hasn't been for a month (seems a bit short to throw our whole relationship away over) because.. and this is the good part, the house is always a mess, it isn't, i tidy every day, the only thing that has changed since having our dd is the washing basket always seems to be full when it wasn't before. And we take each other for granted. He is meeting me for an hour to talk.

Wow. He goes back to his mother's because the washing doesn't get done Like the washing is your problem

And you know what. Normal, mature people do not leave their partners over trivial things. They talk. They discuss.

So his world has changed. And yours hasn't?

He needs a rocket up his rear end, and someone to tell him that sulking is not how 'grown ups' act.

"He isn't happy and hasn't been for a month "

A month! FFS!

OMG. That is all I can say. OMG.

I actually think you may well be better off without him.

Have you spoken to his mother? What does she say?

My gut feel is that the house/washing thing is a cover up. I think that there may well be someone else. And if there isn't yet he has been tempted.

When is he meeting you? Because to be honest with you I would refuse point blank. Who the bloody hell does he think he is????? I would be telling him that given how he treated you yesterday just dumping this on you and refusing to talk and then getting his mother to pick him up that you are having serious doubts about whether you want to spend your life with someone so immature. Tell him you have 3 children and were not planning on a third just yet.

He's talking out of his arsehole.

You have 2 children. I know that. Am so angry for you.

Stupid, pathetic, cowardly excuses Do NOT put up with this shit, OP. You don't throw a family away because you're pissed off that there's a bit of washing knocking about, or you're feeling a bit miserable for a month. You know what? Stop thinking about what he wants. What do you want? Because I've got to tell you, if the housework is enough to make him run home to his mother, God help you if something serious happens, because he will be useless.

With everyone else on this. He's talking bollocks..... and I don't usually swear on here.

He's being a complete twonk here and I think he is making excuses (I also think he has met someone else) and projecting onto you.

Two weeks - hmmm. And how is he going to explain his absense to his children?.

Poor you OP, is he always this, well, silly?

He's called off the wedding and your life together (not to mention his responsibilities as a father - has he mentioned the kids yet?) because:

• he thinks the house is messy
• he wants his cousins friends at your wedding (WTF does he care for his cousins' friends?? Madness)
• when you're in a social situation you converse with other people

He just sounds like an utter oaf.

Really hate the way he is trying to call all the shots too, he needs 2 weeks to decide whether he loves you? Definitely time you took the initiative OP!! You should tell him he can't treat you like this, you will be living your life and not waiting for him to condescend to come back to being your partner. Then assume you are doing it alone. You can, sounds like you already are. Good luck.

I agree with Buda- a man who claims to have been unhappy for a mere month of a five year relationship and is not prepared to at least try to sort things out (especially as you have 2 DCs) is just not worth fighting for.

You are well rid- sounds like a feckless spoilt mummy's boy.

So he's just going to bugger off for two weeks, and not give you any explanation at all?

arsehole.

Message withdrawn

They are going to meet to talk

This man is bullying you, OP. He is trying to hurt you enough to make you comply with his every whim and be a Good Wifey. I bet when you have the Big Talk he will do his best to lead you into throwing yourself at his feet and begging for forgiveness, promising to turn yourself into a domestic goddess and willing sex slave - he will then condescend to come back but the next time he doesn't like his dinner or you're not quick or eager enough to offer sex when he gets a twitch in his trolleys, the hints that he's 'unhappy' and 'not sure he loves you' will start again.
Tell him to piss right off and grow up.

Well he stopped by here for an hour, told me the same old CRAP and that is what it is, about washing, and our house is spotless usually, it is only the washing that has been catching up, i still iron his things, make sure his work stuff is done and all that, it is lies all lies. His mother is also a total cow. I asked what she said about it all and he said she told him he was RUSHING things and he could move back there.
So he comes here, packs some stuff, not all, but i will be doing it and letting him know it is in the garden and he can collect at his leisure. Tells me how i take him for granted, i don't do enough blablabla and he wants two weeks to decide. I told him no, he can not have two weeks to decide anything, he is not welcome back here (harsh?).
I text his mother saying " your son has got up and left his family, your grandchildren, and not a word from you to see if we are okay? At least i know where his compassion comes from"
She hasn't got back to me, probably wont, can't upset her wee boy after all.
I am angry now. My friend is coming later on after her work.

Gosh, he really is being a tat, isnt he? Good on you for sticking up for yourself.

AS IF you would break up a partnership over a pile of washing...

And why does he need two weeks? Where on earth has that time frame come from??

oh, for pete's sake OP please don't put up with any more of this crap! And I mean don't put up with any more of him. Personally I think you're crazy to even be listening to him.

He doesn't want to marry you.
When he said he wasn't ready, he really meant it.

You do NOT need to be married to a man who doesn't want to marry you, can't cope with his own moods, wrecks your life then keeps you waiting 24 hours for an explanation, and for whom a tidy laundry basket is a deal-breaker.

What the above says, very simply, is he doesn't love you. At least, not enough to inconvenience himself at all.

How many replies do you need to get, before you realise this man is not better than no man at all?

I think you'll get more sense out of his mum than him, tbh. Why not ring her?

Who knows? Could have come from anywhere. He text me about 5 minutes before he came in the house saying
"what are you doing right now?"
I replies asking what, and when he got here he said he didn't text me that.. i asked him to please check his sent items as he did, and when he opened the outbox there were sent items to Alice. I just said fuck you. He said he texted her asking the procedure about going back to work, yeah. sure.

Good for you!!!!!!! Excellent stuff, you can do it. What on earth can 2 weeks have to do with anything? Oh, and two fingers (not literally i suppose) to his mother, who thinks he is rushing into a commitment now after 2 kids with you.

What a pair of dicks they are. At least with you as a mother, your DC won't get a chance to emulate their oafish DF.