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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He just told me he doesn't want to marry me!!

301 replies

xb2b · 11/02/2010 13:49

Dp proposed in December. Bought me a beautiful ring. We have been together 5 years, have 2 children. Things are good, great i would say.
We chose a date, spoke to the priest, booked the church, viewed hotels, booked a reception. Ordered my dream dress with all accessories, looked in kilt hire shops for his outfits.
Chose flower girl outfits together, bought them. Had an engagement party, lots of family and friends. Asked the best man, bridesmaids. Told our parents.
Last night, he was in silence, went to bed early, when i went up i asked him what was up. He said, "i don't want to get married, i have been thinking and i am not ready, sorry" He then went onto saying he would LEAVE today. He hasn't went into work because he needs to pack. He hasn't started packing but will not speak to me at all.
Last night i asked why, he said " it's not you it's me"

What the hell? I am so confused. Things have been great i thought. I am so upset. I haven't slept, i can't eat. I have no one to talk to, he wont answer me.

OP posts:
theashgrove · 11/02/2010 18:53

I think ItsGraceAgain speaks wisely. Maybe you can have another wedding sometime in the future, but this particular one surely has to be considered absolutely cancelled. How could you possibly relax on the day, even if he does change his mind back again and seem to be happy? Wouldn't you end up wondering if he was going to have another wobble on the day and just not turn up, if you hadn't actually resolved the issue and got to the bottom of why he wasn't sure?

Rhubarb · 11/02/2010 18:53

Correct me if I'm wrong but didn't he do all the arranging for the wedding? Organising the church, choosing dresses? Wasn't he the one who asked you, not the other way round? Why go to all that trouble just to back out now?

My bet is on something having happened. Either at work or personally and he's avoiding telling you what that is. Perhaps because he's a shit and a coward who doesn't actually have a good reason, or because he's protecting you from something.

I'm prepared to give him the benefit of doubt but not for much longer the way he's stringing you along. It's cruel.

I would have been on the phone to everyone by now. He's had his chance to talk to you in private first and he's not taken it up. You need some moral support here.

Aussieng · 11/02/2010 18:55

Is he out of the house to think or out of the house to use his mobile phone>

Sorry for what you are going through. Nothing worse than being in limbo - the others are right, it's just cruel.

theashgrove · 11/02/2010 19:00

OP, I hope you can get lots of support round you and I hope he tells you very soon what's going on.

Original poster
xb2b · 11/02/2010 19:11

His mum is here, well she is in the car. Looks like it's finished.

OP posts:
Rhubarb · 11/02/2010 19:13

I'm so so sorry. At least you know now instead of being trapped in an unhappy marriage.

What a bastard to ask his mum to pick you up and not even tell you what's going on.

I would be fuming! I would march right out there and let his mum know exactly what a bastard he is being to you. I would facebook it and everything!

Rhubarb · 11/02/2010 19:14

To pick him up that should have read.

Is his mother not even going to come in and talk to you?

expatinscotland · 11/02/2010 19:28

Well, now you see where he gets his arseholeness from.

Because if he were my son I'd have given him seven shades of holy hell for behaving like that, not collected him like a 6-year-old and sat in my car too cowardly to even go in and say something to the mother of my grandchildren.

In fact, he wouldn't be staying with me at all because he didn't have the decency to show the mother of his children some common courtesy and respect, just sneaked away like a weasel, and I don't bring my kids up to be cowards.

What a twat!

I agree with Rhubarb, I'd facebook away!

The whole fucking thing.

Oh, and don't drink.

Do it all 100% sober. It feels better that way.

ItsGraceAgain · 11/02/2010 19:41

I second that - don't drink tonight! Talk to all your favourite people, sort out childcare for at least one evening when you can get utterly trashed with your girlfriends, then let it all out. Can you get someone over to be with you tonight and/or tomorrow?

What a horrible shock for you

WhoIsAsking · 11/02/2010 19:41

I'm so sorry to see the way this has gone in the time I've been away from this thread.

What a terrible shock for you.

Get some RL support rallied as soon as possible.

And of course, we're all here on MN, to support you online.

Bonsoir · 11/02/2010 19:48

He's frightened of commitment and of thinking "this is it".

Take him to see In The Air at the cinema. That'll sort him! A very powerful film.

VenusdeMedici · 11/02/2010 19:50

Hi xb2b, so sorry to hear what's happening. Does seem all really odd given that he spent 6 months saving for a ring, then is on at you to arrange everything for the wedding. Could it be something happened at work yesterday, eg he was made redundant/sacked? That might explain everything.

Original poster
xb2b · 11/02/2010 19:54

Goodness only knows, something might have happened but how can i help if he cant tell me?
It is alright. I am going to go to bed, i hardly slept last night.

Is that at the cinema now anna?

OP posts:
Bonsoir · 11/02/2010 19:56

I saw it ten days ago Paris, and read a review of it in the Economist in January. So, yes, it should be out in the UK.

expatinscotland · 11/02/2010 20:00

Change your FB status to 'Single' before you go and write a post about how you've been dumped with no explanation at all and now the little boy's gone back to hide out with Mummy.

To not even go into the house and wish your 2-year-old goodnight.

Rhubarb · 11/02/2010 20:08

Agree with expat

Buda · 11/02/2010 20:17

Oh you poor thing. What a shit he is to do that to you. Am not impressed with his mother either. I know her first loyalty will b to him but she could have at least come in to talk to you. Mind you she has prob been protecting him all his life.

SolidGoldBrass · 11/02/2010 20:21

This is just wierd. It does sound as though something pretty dramatic has happened (and I would be rather surprised if it turned out to be a breach of monogamy, actually). I wonder if he has been fired from his job, or some crime he has committed has been or is about to be uncovered.
But I do agree now with the posters who say, go public, tell people close to you that this man has up and left you and let them support you.

expatinscotland · 11/02/2010 20:23

You need and deserve support.

ThatVikRinA22 · 11/02/2010 20:47

did his mother not speak to you? i think what he has done is absolutely bastardly, to call of the wedding is one thing - to do it with no explanation what so ever, up and leave without a single word is while keeping you hanging all day is another.

what he has done is devastating, brutal and cowardly. why would you NOT explain yourself? he must be quite ashamed, i wonder what of.

get some support Xb. really hope you and the kids are ok tonight. have you got anyone who can come over? your sister or friends?

i hope you get some answers, you deserve to know what has happened to change his mind.

chippychippybangbang · 11/02/2010 22:23

The truth will out, but it might take a little while. Look after yourself in the meantime, lean on friends and family as much as you need to. He is a despicable coward, for not letting you into what's going on. You will be far better without this man ever becoming your husband. Thinking of you.

Whizzywigg · 11/02/2010 22:29

Not sure you can condemn the mum - no one knows what he told her...

His behaviour is not good. He owes you a proper explanation at the very least.

BooHooo · 11/02/2010 22:56

Can I jut rewind to where you said you got a text from a girl looking for him but it was explained away as a work colleague? Is there anything in this at all?

I am so sorry for you and your children. It will take some time to heal and get over the shock

glastocat · 11/02/2010 23:09

The text from a work colleague made my spidey senses tingle too.

Stay strong.

chippychippybangbang · 11/02/2010 23:11

and me. But since H's antics I think I'm programmed to look for the OW in any suspicious scenario..

It's always the things which seemed innocuous (sp? doesn't look right..) though which end up being the crucial clue.

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