Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He just told me he doesn't want to marry me!!

301 replies

xb2b · 11/02/2010 13:49

Dp proposed in December. Bought me a beautiful ring. We have been together 5 years, have 2 children. Things are good, great i would say.
We chose a date, spoke to the priest, booked the church, viewed hotels, booked a reception. Ordered my dream dress with all accessories, looked in kilt hire shops for his outfits.
Chose flower girl outfits together, bought them. Had an engagement party, lots of family and friends. Asked the best man, bridesmaids. Told our parents.
Last night, he was in silence, went to bed early, when i went up i asked him what was up. He said, "i don't want to get married, i have been thinking and i am not ready, sorry" He then went onto saying he would LEAVE today. He hasn't went into work because he needs to pack. He hasn't started packing but will not speak to me at all.
Last night i asked why, he said " it's not you it's me"

What the hell? I am so confused. Things have been great i thought. I am so upset. I haven't slept, i can't eat. I have no one to talk to, he wont answer me.

OP posts:
MamaVoo · 17/02/2010 13:51

I've also just read this thread and want to say that I really admire the way you have handled this situation and this pathetic excuse for a man. I had a similar experience when I was your age (though no kids) and I only wish I had been mature enough to behave with the dignity and self respect that you have shown.

Good luck.

Whizzywigg · 17/02/2010 21:40

It shut down just before xmas. Credit crunch... I think

But if you are feeling flush (not likely eh), I think Harvey Nicks stock them... or there is a discount catamini place in Colinton village.

xb2b - I have been following your thread too... wish I had more constructive advice than designing shopping info

I strongly feel you should take his money for the children. Unless you are super-rich, I think they deserve to benefit from the efforts of both parents... His money may mean you can work less, for example - or take holidays or do drama classes or whatever...

If you look on the CSA site they will have a calculator to help you set a realistic amount..

You might also find the www.entitledto.co.uk site helpful - you put your details in, and it will give you a low down on any benefits you are entitled to. Does he have savings you have built up whilst together? As you aren't married, you wont' be entiteld to them - but you could always ask!

Are there any joint bank accounts, saving or other shared assets - may be time to sort those out too.

Think you're doing really well - have to say, IMHO, after 2 kids, it's too bloody late to decide you dont' want to commit... want an arse he is!

PrammyMammy · 17/02/2010 22:40

Hey, thanks for that, we don't have joint accounts, and do have some savings, but not in a savings account. He has given me money for the DCs and he has paid the rent and put the monthly money in the electric and the gas. He is saying he made a mistake and is asking to come home, his mum is also at it. I feel like i want to knock their heads together.

Harvey nicks don't stock Catimini, when i asked them they said that they 'went out of business' But i don't know if they actually have, i mean the website is still working. Man i bet they had an amazing closing down sale.
Where is colinton village? I am off to google!

expatinscotland · 17/02/2010 22:46

'He is saying he made a mistake and is asking to come home, his mum is also at it. I feel like i want to knock their heads together.'

It's really all about him, isn't it? HE wants to come back, so you need to accommodate him and not hold it against him.

No, I made a mistake. Whatever it takes for me to convince you, I'm willing to do.

He turned your life and your child's world upside down on a whim, and now you're both supposed to just put up with it.

Till the next time you don't keep the washing basket empty enough? Till the kids get older and piss him off?

He did make a mistake. By assuming you're desperate enough to continue to have a relationship with someone so immature and with so little regards for not only your feelings but those of your childrens'.

expatinscotland · 17/02/2010 22:48

Oh, and it's not his money, it's the childrens'.

CarGirl · 17/02/2010 22:52

Have you asked him outright about Alice?

ThatVikRinA22 · 17/02/2010 23:52

god, what an absolute pillock.

how are you doing today OP? what do you want? have you had time to think about it?

i think he needs to be straight with you, he put you through hell with no explanation. how are you feeling about it all? mens are such stupid stupid gits sometimes.

StarExpat · 18/02/2010 08:20

Glad he's paying for things for now at least so you don't have that worry, too. Have you asked him to be totally straight with you about what it was/why he left/alice or other woman...etc? Not that it would change your mind. I just think you deserve an explanation. And the laundry basket being too full and him not being "happy" suddently, arenot explanations. Those are excuses for the real reason, which he has yet to tell you. I think you deserve that. The honest truth.

alwaysindoubt · 18/02/2010 08:50

I think it's very common for men who want out to behave badly so you end it. That two week deadline is absurd. My husband wanted a "wait till the end of the month" before he decided. That's when his girlfriend was coming back. Can you imagine? 20 years of marriage and the children's welfare all hinging on when some woman gets a flight. My instinct with your case is that he wants out but he hasn't quite got what it takes to make the step. Sending you positive vibes. One day at a time and all that.

PrammyMammy · 18/02/2010 23:41

Always, that is shocking, 20 years, and he does that. God give me hope.
Today has been okay. I got a filling (argh) but aside from that, good. I had a dinner party, had some friends over. My mum took the kids for me, bathed them and got them ready for bed before she brought them over. Was nice.
I am taking every day as it comes, and it is easier than i expected.

AnyFucker · 18/02/2010 23:42

did you realise you have changed your name back ?

PrammyMammy · 18/02/2010 23:58

The first time i didn't but it was pointed out on the say a prayer thread, so i just kept it. I've nothing to hide.

BitOfFun · 19/02/2010 00:56

Good for you. Good luck.

AnyFucker · 19/02/2010 11:36

I absolutely agree you have nothing to hide.

Just wondered if you hadn't noticed x

expatinscotland · 19/02/2010 11:45

You deserve so much more than someone who has so little regard for your feelings, Prammy.

ilove · 27/02/2010 18:14

How are you today Prammy?

ChippingIn · 27/02/2010 22:49

Prammy - glad you name changed back (even if accidentally!!).

Stay strong, ignore his Mother (what a twat - don't hold it against him wft??) and ignore any crap he's throwing your way - you do not owe him anything - twunt.

PrammyMammy · 27/02/2010 23:01

Hey, feeling good thanks, getting on with things. getting there. Everytime we see each other he starts a fight about nothing. For example, I had a bottle of water and took a drink, and he said to me " you didn't even drink that, your lips didn't move, why are you pretending to drink thhat". I don't know why he does it though. crazy.

ChippingIn · 28/02/2010 04:01

What a nutter!!

You'll soon start to wonder what you saw in him in the first place.

Also, though, be aware that you will also go through a stage of missing him & wondering if you've done the right thing... keep posting, we'll assure you that you have

mathanxiety · 28/02/2010 06:03

This behaviour of his is all I would expect from a man with a mother like your ex(almost)MIL. He will not change. She has clearly never expected any kind of mature behaviour from him, and you won't be able to grow him up either no matter how hard you try. Look after yourself, and yourself only, and the DCs. Talk to a solicitor about child support, visits.

Tell him you're sorry he feels that way when he picks a fight with you. Don't engage.

Whizzywigg · 28/02/2010 08:58

Heaven knows what's really going on in this chaps's head. It's not really possible to have last minute wedding jitters, imo, when you've already got DCs. I hope you've made it clear that even if wants to whizzle out of his committments to you, he can't "leave his DCs" - so you'll be looking for CSA rated CM and contact committments, I hope!

ilove · 28/02/2010 11:26

He is a numpty.

mathanxiety · 28/02/2010 15:53

Wrt the mind-boggling arrogance of him to be picking fights with you over whether you actually drank a mouthful of water or not -- my ex used to accuse me of having the wrong facial expression while conversing with him. I think it's a sign of having something big on his mind but too immature to tell you the truth about himself and his doings. Let it wash right over you and don't take the bait. He's deliberately distancing himself emotionally from you with his silly criticism of the laundry, the tiny details about his cousins at the wedding, the water-drinking, just casting around for some sort of a stick to beat you with in order to justify in his own head whatever rotten things he's been doing behind your back.

DorotheaPlenticlew · 28/02/2010 16:06

OP, glad to see you posting again and being a tough cookie .

(oh and btw, I am also in Edinburgh and the Catimini sale wasn't all that tbh, it never got to the "what an amazing bargain" stage IMO, so you didn't miss much)

thehillsarealive · 28/02/2010 16:21

prammy - glad to hear you are doing ok. Keep yourself busy and dont fall for his nonsense.

I would be telling his mother to butt the fuck out and if she wants to help she can tell her son to grow up!