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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

He just told me he doesn't want to marry me!!

301 replies

xb2b · 11/02/2010 13:49

Dp proposed in December. Bought me a beautiful ring. We have been together 5 years, have 2 children. Things are good, great i would say.
We chose a date, spoke to the priest, booked the church, viewed hotels, booked a reception. Ordered my dream dress with all accessories, looked in kilt hire shops for his outfits.
Chose flower girl outfits together, bought them. Had an engagement party, lots of family and friends. Asked the best man, bridesmaids. Told our parents.
Last night, he was in silence, went to bed early, when i went up i asked him what was up. He said, "i don't want to get married, i have been thinking and i am not ready, sorry" He then went onto saying he would LEAVE today. He hasn't went into work because he needs to pack. He hasn't started packing but will not speak to me at all.
Last night i asked why, he said " it's not you it's me"

What the hell? I am so confused. Things have been great i thought. I am so upset. I haven't slept, i can't eat. I have no one to talk to, he wont answer me.

OP posts:

Rhubarb · 11/02/2010 17:14

Sorry OP but I think you need to start taking some of this good advice. You are letting him walk all over you.

Get on the phone now to his friends and parents - tell them what he has told you. He'll be left with a LOT of explaining to do. No doubt they'll be equally shocked and angry at the way he is treating you.

On our wedding day I hardly spent any time talking to dh, both of our attentions were kept elsewhere. And when out we like to spend that time with friends. That's all normal.

Sounds as though he is making excuses. You need to get to the bottom of this, but without calling his bluff how can you?

SolidGoldBrass · 11/02/2010 17:29

The more you post, the more I think this is a man who is torturing you in order to get his own way. Has he done anything like this before? I wouldn't be at all surprised if he was the sort who basically uses 'If you really loved me you'd...' whether that's take it up the arse, loan him two grand or give up work to be a housewifey.
And Grace is 100% right, cancel the wedding. You need to reconsider, even if it does turn out that there is some acceptable reason for his behaviour (can;t say I can think of one).

FabIsGoingToBeFabIn2010 · 11/02/2010 17:30

Do not marry someone who has said they don't want to marry you unless you want to be divorced from him.

Just kick him out and tell everyone. Why should you cover up his dirty work?

It is crap but better now than after the wedding.

IsThatTheTime · 11/02/2010 17:34

Is it beyond the realms of possibility that he's just having a major jitter and things could get back on track once he's got his head sorted? Sure he's behaving like a massive tit today but don't we all have off days? Have the chat after the DCs are in bed & I really hope it goes well for you (in that I hope you get some sort of proper answer either way, rather than the arms-length talk-to-the-hand rubbish you've had to put up with today.

Grace I've seen a lot of your answers and normally I think you talk really good sense but with the best will in the world I think you're at risk of projecting your own experience on to that of the OPs. Her fiance is not your exH and she is not you.

IsThatTheTime · 11/02/2010 17:35

Or the other way round

Original poster

xb2b · 11/02/2010 17:37

Hey, Thanks. Yes i know i probably should just tell him to get, but i don't know how i am making this worse? He hasn't spoken to me, he has went out. I am just sitting with my dd asleep beside me and occasionally mning. I haven't really done anything to make it any worse?
As soon as he returns i will be telling him to go.

OP posts:

wannaBe · 11/02/2010 17:38

I think grace is right.

He hasn't said that he's having gitters - he's said that he doesn't want to get married and plans to leave.

You can't possibly marry him now.

I would pack his things and ring around the family to tell them the wedding's off.

Original poster

xb2b · 11/02/2010 17:40

I can't think of anything he has done like this before.

OP posts:

FabIsGoingToBeFabIn2010 · 11/02/2010 17:42

Have you asked him why he is still there since he said he was leaving?

Original poster

xb2b · 11/02/2010 17:45

He is out still, so i haven't asked that, but before he left i did ask him why he was talking about the wedding when he said he didn't want to get married and he said he would talk to me when he gets back.

OP posts:

ItsGraceAgain · 11/02/2010 17:49

Fair comment, ITTT, though I really used my experience to try & add weight to my advice because the OP (understandably) doesn't want to know what's staring her in the face. Backing out of a wedding takes a lot of courage - more than going along with it; more than XH or I had. You don't do it lightly, or out of simple nerves.

The guy had enough courage to tell her. Why he wants out is a question for later, but first I think xb2b needs to get her head around the enormity of what's just happened. It is relatively easy to push someone into going ahead with a planned wedding - but it's a recipe for disaster. If they get things sorted out, they can have another wedding. If they have this wedding, their marriage will begin with doubt and insecurity - and that's not the best start.

MrsC2010 · 11/02/2010 17:50

I'll get shot for saying this but perhaps these are just young man freak outs...have a calm chat with him when he gets home/kids go to bed etc and find out whats going on...don't rush anything. We all act like f*cking eejits sometimes, not that I'm excusing his behaviour.

I could be wrong, obviously!

Original poster

xb2b · 11/02/2010 17:55

He came in, dropped ds off and took the dog out. The changeover took about 30 seconds.

OP posts:

ItsGraceAgain · 11/02/2010 18:00

How incredibly weird ... Good luck, whatever happens.

junkcollector · 11/02/2010 18:02

"He said he is sorry and he realized that we are not a 'normal' couple, when we are out with friends we spend more time talking to the friends than each other." Sounds perfectly normal to me. Why go out with friends if you're just going to talk to each other all night.

I sort of agree with MrsC2010. Complex creatures- men . He's still acting like a twat teenager though.

Be Strong.

threetimemummy · 11/02/2010 18:07

Ok, just throwing this out there....

I know someone whose husband said he was leaving acted the same etc. All VERY odd. The same thoughts were going on in everyones mind.

BUT it turns out that actually, he was very ill. He had seen a doc secretly as something was worrying him and he didnt want to bother them with his worries.

It turns out he WAS ill and then couldnt face putting her through the trauma of supporting him through the illness and so thought it best to leave.

They worked it out in the end.

ANYWAY, my point is, perhaps this is it? He is quiet and not actually packing cause he actually dosnt want to leave, iykwim, and is trying to get his head around the news of his illness????

Long shot....

marantha · 11/02/2010 18:07

Sometimes the thought of doing something as serious as marriage can really frighten people.
Perhaps when you got pregnant he didn't have time to think about what it meant.
Of course with marriage, there's plenty of time to consider what it means in advance.
I hope that this is just a case of wedding freak-out and he'll come round to the idea.

I agree that LEGALLY there is a massive difference between marriage and cohabitation, but, tbh, if you're living with someone with whom you are bringing up children, I think that you have MORE responsibility than a married couple who have no children, so if it is pre-wedding jitters, it IS illogical, IMO, for him to be so nervous given that you've got children but people are a mystery!

I think that pre-wedding jitters is the best case scenario.

threetimemummy · 11/02/2010 18:08

Sorry meant to add that is why he is still talking about the wedding as if it will happen..cause he is probably hoping you will stick around with his illness, iyswim?

expatinscotland · 11/02/2010 18:24

'I can't think of anything he has done like this before.'

Aside from disregarding all the opinions you had about how your wedding should go.

I think I'd ring everyone know, then when he comes back, tell him he needs to go because he said he was leaving and it's the best thing because you need time to think yourself.

Then call a counsellor tomorrow for yourself and go talk over your decision with an objective professional.

expatinscotland · 11/02/2010 18:28

leaving somebody hanging like this - first he went to soft play to 'think', next he took out the dog and told you you'd talk when he got back - is controlling, manipulative, disrespectful and cruel.

MaggieTaSeFuar · 11/02/2010 18:29

"I'm not ready"? after two children and five years together??

what he means is "i don't want to marry you".

He hasn't the nerve to say that to you though, and is hiding. What a coward.

motherlovebone · 11/02/2010 18:32

i agree expat

what a tosser

MaggieTaSeFuar · 11/02/2010 18:43

look, don't fear being single above all else. trotting along to his tune for the rest of your life would be a much harder life than starting again. You're so young and you have your children. You could enjoy your youth with a bit of freedom, draft him and all the grandparents in to help you out. concentrate on yourself for a few years and in time, when somebody treats you right you can then get married for the FIRST time.

i agree with itsgrace, it is hard to pull out of a wedding that's already planned.

sowhatis · 11/02/2010 18:43

i hope you get to talk tonight, something v strange is going on. xxxxx

MaggieTaSeFuar · 11/02/2010 18:44

too soon for that advice maybe.

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