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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He just told me he doesn't want to marry me!!

301 replies

xb2b · 11/02/2010 13:49

Dp proposed in December. Bought me a beautiful ring. We have been together 5 years, have 2 children. Things are good, great i would say.
We chose a date, spoke to the priest, booked the church, viewed hotels, booked a reception. Ordered my dream dress with all accessories, looked in kilt hire shops for his outfits.
Chose flower girl outfits together, bought them. Had an engagement party, lots of family and friends. Asked the best man, bridesmaids. Told our parents.
Last night, he was in silence, went to bed early, when i went up i asked him what was up. He said, "i don't want to get married, i have been thinking and i am not ready, sorry" He then went onto saying he would LEAVE today. He hasn't went into work because he needs to pack. He hasn't started packing but will not speak to me at all.
Last night i asked why, he said " it's not you it's me"

What the hell? I am so confused. Things have been great i thought. I am so upset. I haven't slept, i can't eat. I have no one to talk to, he wont answer me.

OP posts:
Original poster
xb2b · 11/02/2010 14:23

He hasn't even taken the cases out, he is just wandering about in silence, i am sitting feeding our dd and he has taken our ds in for a bath. He hasn't spoken to me all day.

OP posts:
morningpaper · 11/02/2010 14:25

Why are you accepting this behaviour?

Original poster
xb2b · 11/02/2010 14:25

atilla, that has crossed my mind. I asked last night, he said no, but it has crossed my mind.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 11/02/2010 14:26

He has not talked to you all day and yet he is still in the home?.

I would also ask why you are letting him do this.

Original poster
xb2b · 11/02/2010 14:27

MP i don't kknow what to do? I have tried talking, i don't want to keep going in front of my ds.

OP posts:
morningpaper · 11/02/2010 14:28

I would tell him to leave and come back when he is going to treat you with some respect

AttilaTheMeerkat · 11/02/2010 14:28

Have you had reason to doubt him seriously, has his behaviours subtlely changed over the past few months?. Have you noticed any changed behaviour with regards to him and his mobile phone?.

Whatever his reasons for packing, he does owe you a full and frank explanation. No more silences. The situation that you are in now is untenable.

Original poster
xb2b · 11/02/2010 14:29

I have tried, he just keeps saying "xx just leave it" and i feel like if i keep at him i might explode, and i really dont want to in front of my dcs.

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 11/02/2010 14:29

Not on to tell you it's over, he's leaving and then sulk around the house giving you the silent treatment.

morningpaper · 11/02/2010 14:30

So he hasn't gone into work so he has spent the entire day packing?

where is he going?

He is being very cruel to you

Original poster
xb2b · 11/02/2010 14:31

He doesn't ever have money in his mobile, but a few weeks back, someone called Alice text me looking for him, turns out it was someone from work who had got in an argument and he was a witness or something, one of his other work mates gave her my number.

OP posts:
anothermum92 · 11/02/2010 14:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

ChickensLoveMarmite · 11/02/2010 14:32

He's still there?! No need to shout, but calmly pull him to one side and ask him to leave until he is ready to discuss what he is doing like an adult. This sounds too much like attention seeking and power manipulation. You must not play along. He wants to go? Fine. If he wants to stay, he needs to communicate.

MerlinsBeard · 11/02/2010 14:32

xb2b - are you new or a namechanger?

Unfortunatly, no one on here can tell you why he has said what he has said. You need to speak to him, can anyone take your DCs for a few hours?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 11/02/2010 14:33

He is becoming increasingly defensive and that in itself is a bad sign. So he has said nothing to you other than, "(your name) just leave it".

You cannot accept that.

He is acting appallingly here and is also setting a very poor example to his children. If he really wants out of the relationship now then he should be grown up enough to tell you properly and honestly.

Original poster
xb2b · 11/02/2010 14:34

i'm a namechanger lol

OP posts:
mistlethrush · 11/02/2010 14:34

Is the idea of a big wedding suddenly off-putting? The whole 'big do, white dress, flower-girls' might have been snowballing in his head. Is this what is putting him off, or is he worried about the commitment?

If you do get this sorted out, you need to be absolutely sure its sorted - perhaps he was thinking that proposing and marriage would change how he felt, and now is worrying that it wont'. If this is the problem, no marriage doesn't solve any underlying issues.

If he's cutting you out at the moment, is there anyone that he might talk to that you might be able to contact.

TinaSparkles · 11/02/2010 14:34

Poor you. I hope you get some answers soon. You must be living off your nerves in the meantime. You really deserve some answers soon.

expatinscotland · 11/02/2010 14:34

'You need to speak to him,'

She can't. He's refusing to speak to her.

wannaBe · 11/02/2010 14:35

am sorry to say this, but men rarely leave unless they have somewhere to go.

The fact he refuses to talk about it does make me think that perhaps there is someone else that he doesn't want you to know about.

Tbh I would be inclined to pack his suitcases for him.

Saying you don't want to get married is one thing, saying you don't want to get married and that it's basically over and leaving is quite another.

sb6699 · 11/02/2010 14:35

He is still in the house and ignoring you and you dont want to "annoy him" by demanding to know what is going on!!!

You need to take back some control. SGB has given you some brilliant advice on how to do that.

HeinzSight · 11/02/2010 14:36

Do you have a neighbour or someone who can look after your LOs for a hour or so now, so you can properly confront him? This is disgusting. He has no right to suddenly announce this then sulk around the house not speaking to you. Does he expect you to just accept his explanation?

I agree with others. Tell him to leave now or talk to you. He's walking all over you at the moment.

PotPourri · 11/02/2010 14:43

Really sorry for you. This must be devastating.

but as everyone else said. He is an adult, he needs to behave like an adult or go until he is willing to. Don't let him walk all over you. You need to show strength here - for the sake of your dignity, and to show him that he cannot behave like a child. You have 2 already, you don't need a 3rd child!

expatinscotland · 11/02/2010 14:44

Can you get out of the house for a couple of hours with the kids?

Get them ready to go out and tell him, as you go out the door, 'I'm going out for a couple of hours and when I come back you need to either be gone or ready to talk.'

And then go.

GypsyMoth · 11/02/2010 14:46

i was thinking earlier that if he's leaving for another woman then he's whiling away the time til she leaves wor....maybe he'll suddenly leave round 6ish....and that is a totally crap thought,but i was trying to find out why he's happy to stay a whole day in such a cold atmosphere....!!