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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He just told me he doesn't want to marry me!!

301 replies

xb2b · 11/02/2010 13:49

Dp proposed in December. Bought me a beautiful ring. We have been together 5 years, have 2 children. Things are good, great i would say.
We chose a date, spoke to the priest, booked the church, viewed hotels, booked a reception. Ordered my dream dress with all accessories, looked in kilt hire shops for his outfits.
Chose flower girl outfits together, bought them. Had an engagement party, lots of family and friends. Asked the best man, bridesmaids. Told our parents.
Last night, he was in silence, went to bed early, when i went up i asked him what was up. He said, "i don't want to get married, i have been thinking and i am not ready, sorry" He then went onto saying he would LEAVE today. He hasn't went into work because he needs to pack. He hasn't started packing but will not speak to me at all.
Last night i asked why, he said " it's not you it's me"

What the hell? I am so confused. Things have been great i thought. I am so upset. I haven't slept, i can't eat. I have no one to talk to, he wont answer me.

OP posts:
Rhubarb · 11/02/2010 14:53

If he's silent and out of character then something has happened that is eating away at him.

Does he have a best friend you can talk to? Could you ask his best friend to come over whilst you make yourself scarce?

You know him best - has he ever done anything like this before? Could the work thing have escalated and perhaps he's in danger of losing his job?

You need to get to the bottom of this. Don't push him to talk to you, if he wanted to or could then he would have done by now. Call someone. You need the moral support too.

Perhaps he could even stay with his friend until he gets it sorted. He cannot hang around the house like that, it will affect the children.

IsThatTheTime · 11/02/2010 15:08

expatinscotland - that is exactly what I was going to suggest, v good plan.
OP - hope you get some answers soon x

GetOrfMoiLand · 11/02/2010 15:23

OP - have you spoken to his/your parents yet. Agree with others that text is not the way to go here.

Is there any way that you can speak to them because yoiu really need some RL support. Also, they can ;look after your DCs for a couple of hours and then he has got no option but to talk to you.

He is being very childish indeed and his treatment of you is far from fair.

But, he wouldn't just do this our of cold feet for the wedding I shouldn't think. I imagine that there will be other reasons why he is leaving.

Don't pussyfoot around not wanting to annoy him. You deserve some answers. He sounds like a petulant child.

Original poster
xb2b · 11/02/2010 15:23

thank you all.
I just took him into the kitchen while i prepared dinner and told him he has no right leaving me hanging like this. He said he is sorry and he realized that we are not a 'normal' couple, when we are out with friends we spend more time talking to the friends than each other.
He is away out now, taken our ds out to soft play so he can 'think'.

OP posts:
Lemonylemon · 11/02/2010 15:27

OP: This is the biggest load of crap I've ever heard. Well, actually, it's not, but it nearly is.

He's talking bollocks. Tell him to get out until he can do the decent thing and explain what the hell is going on with him. You do not need this in front of the DC's.

Sorry, but I've got my angry head on at the moment reading through this. It's dreadful. I think he's be exceptionally cowardly.

OrmRenewed · 11/02/2010 15:29

"realized that we are not a 'normal' couple, when we are out with friends we spend more time talking to the friends than each other"

Erm... that is normal. That is why you go out with other people.

Original poster
xb2b · 11/02/2010 15:34

Yeah i would think so, what is the point in meeting friends and not talking?
He also mentioned, and i am not sure whether this is an excuse, that he doesn't feel right having a meal at the wedding for a certain number of guests (50), he feels we should have 80, and let his cousins bring friends with them because it is not fair on them having to travel (30 miles) and not have a mate. I pointed out that we had planned a buffet for night time guests, but he also said, this was not fair on his cousins.
So i am not sure whether that is an excuse of if this is just a hissy fit blown out of proportion.

OP posts:
PotPourri · 11/02/2010 15:36

the comment about talking to others and not each other just struck a chord with me then. I know a married couple who broke up and that was the main sign that anyone had seen. Basically they were fine when there were other people there, but on their own there was a big void. It developed into arguements eventually, but that was the first sign. So maybe he is trying to tell you that he just doesn't feel that you click.

Men can be really pigging stupid and just go aalong with things. Just think of that BT advert where the guy said something like 'suddenly I seem to be living with my girlfriend and her kids'. I thought that was totally idiotic. But alot of men I know thought it was funny

Original poster
xb2b · 11/02/2010 15:36

lemonylemon.. my angry head is on too. I am so angry.

OP posts:
WhoIsAsking · 11/02/2010 15:43

Ooooooh! Tread carefully here OP.

Ask yourself why he's referring to the wedding plans if he's decided the wedding is off?

Could he be manipulating you in the cruelest way possible to get his own way regarding the wedding? Is he prone to a bit of "poor me, boohoo, I'm an arsehole" kind of stuff?

Ivykaty44 · 11/02/2010 15:47

I wonder aswell wether he has meet someone else, even before he proposed, sorry....

It is a classice to have an affair and then make a big comitment to the other person to try to eleive the feelings of guilt

i know of two men who have done long term relationship, had affair and then proposed

Sorry but this would also explain why he hasno reason and will not talk to you, it would all seem so odd to actually say it out loud. he may not know what he wants to do so keeping slient is the best option and not splilling beans about another person....

Original poster
xb2b · 11/02/2010 15:47

Who, i asked him that, well i said "What difference does that bloody make now if there is no bloody wedding?" But he just said he would talk to me when he was home and off he went.

OP posts:
Lemonylemon · 11/02/2010 15:48

WhoisAsking ... and that is absolutely dreadful in itself - and grounds for the OP to say "stuff that" to him....

xb2b I am so sorry to read this thread, really. I'm not surprised you're angry.

Original poster
xb2b · 11/02/2010 15:49

Ivy, you know, part of me wishes there is someone else, that way i will know where i am placed. Instead i am floating around wondering what the heck is going on.

OP posts:
ScreaminEagle · 11/02/2010 15:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

WhoIsAsking · 11/02/2010 15:53

Well of course Lemony. (ARSEHOLE either way really TBH)

Right xb - are you ready to grab control? Because just WHO THE FUCK DOES HE THINK HE IS?

I so wish you could have taken expat's advice and taken the children out rather than him taking your DS out. He's keeping you right on the back foot isn't he.

I totally understand about not wanting to scream and shout in front of the DC's and good for you for not doing so, but this SHIT cannot continue ANYMORE today. Grrrrrrr

Have you got a good close friend who can watch the kids for an hour when he gets home?

WhoIsAsking · 11/02/2010 15:54

(and when I said "tread carefully" I meant that if he is THIS manipulative now, then run, run, run and never look back)

Original poster
xb2b · 11/02/2010 15:57

Screaming, i hate the idea of a big wedding! The posh meal etc.
I wanted the church then a nice dinner and home. It is him who wants all the big arrangements, the meal for everyone, dance, disco, staying at the hotel so we can have breakfast with everyone in the am, and all that.
I suggested using the church hall, having a little buffet and mingling. He is the one who made all the after plans.

OP posts:
cyteen · 11/02/2010 15:57

The fact that he's gone to soft play 'to think' shows what an utter pile of bollocks his behaviour is.

Original poster
xb2b · 11/02/2010 16:00

My sister called just when he was leaving, she asked to borrow a pair of boots, dp said he would take them to her. He did. I think he doesn't want me to tell anyone.
I could probably get a sitter. maybe not till 6ish though, but there are lots of people.

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 11/02/2010 16:00

So, in other words, he bamboozled you into going along with everything he wanted. He still is and you still are.

I think I'd seriously re-consider marrying someone this controlling and manipulative tbh.

Original poster
xb2b · 11/02/2010 16:01

Expat,i know you are right.

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 11/02/2010 16:02

'I think he doesn't want me to tell anyone.'

Of course not! Would you want everyone to know you were behaving like an arse?

Ivykaty44 · 11/02/2010 16:16

it has fuck all to do with the wedding plans, yes of course he wanted this and that and now he is say quite the opposite cos he is being a shitty pong life

ItsGraceAgain · 11/02/2010 17:04

Nobody's going to like me for this. xb2b, you're clearly devastated and confused - I don't blame you. But, look. I was a bit like your fiance before my wedding. XH talked me round (well, alternated bullying with persuading; it worked anyway). The whole thing was a mistake. I mean, the wedding was nice but we shouldn't have done it. With hindsight, he never should have pushed me. I shouldn't have let him.

So what I'm trying to say is, the wedding's off. It's not what you want to hear, I know. You're over. Stop letting him hang around - insist he clears off the minute you see him. Tell everybody you want to tell, why should you be keeping this secret & suffering alone?

Everyone will try and change his mind. See what happens later, but stop dithering now. You're acting as if this were a row over a holiday or something. It's not. It's massive. Assume you two are over: to all intents & purposes, you are.

Would you really want to be married to a husband that doesn't want to be married to you? (I was; I don't recommend it!)

This is dreadful news for you but you're making it worse. I wish you as much support as you need now, and in the coming weeks.

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