The almost interesting saga of the almost-OM update

[HesterPrynne]

Sorry, I had hoped to come back before the original thread disappeared off the first page, but then... nada.

As you may remember I had emailed a local counsellor, but H persuaded me not to make an appointment, but to save, money and neuroses, for Relate, which he absolutely promised to arrange.

So far nothing's happened... "I've been too busy, will do it tomorrow." "They're not answering the phone/email" "They said I had to confirm the date (poss this Wed) with you, now they're not answering again," are a selection of the excuses I have been given.

Now even asking about it causes snappiness and sulks.

I'm really tempted to say, if we're not in a conversation with a third party by Wednesday night, then that's it - you'll have confirmed our marriage is not your priority.

Can't decide if that's a fair ultimatum or not.

Still trying hard to keep almost-OM at more than arms length, but its so difficult when things are so tense at home.

And although I haven't come completely clean, I have told H that my vows are under considerable strain, but my intention is to make our marriage work if he'll work with me. No real sign of that yet, though

Oh, Hester, I've been thinking about you.

The ultimatum you suggest sounds fair enough to me.

It sounds as if you are trying to be as honest as possible with your dh, and that you are doing all the work.

Perhaps your dh is in massive denial and needs a short sharp shock.

Please proceed with caution re:the OM. I know it's a very tempting short-term fix, but it really will muddy the water at a time when you need clarity above all else.

Can you not phone Relate ? It's your marriage too. Now if you made the appointment and he chose not to attend then obviously that would confirm that the marriage is not his priority.

Good point.

Perhaps you are both in stalemate.

However, OP did get to the point of emailing a counsellor, only to be dissuaded.

I know how frustrating it can be when a passive spouse has let you do everything in the past - you sometimes want them to get off their backside and show you that you are important.

For some men talking about their feelings, emotions etc will be worse than sticking pins in their eyes and therefore you may need to be pro active. From your post it appears he suggested Relate so he obviously knows there are problems.

FWIW, my DH wasn't too keen on going but knew if the marriage was going to survive then he had to. He had an individual sessions as well and nearly didn't go to that one but knew he had no option.

Yes, it's liable to be a big leap for him.

Make the appointment, Hester.

Unless you have an ulterior motive not to (OM, for example) because if you're off to relate, you're going to have to cut contact.

Do you have to decide who you want?

Thanks for thinking of me Bobbie, I do appreciate it.

H agreed to make the relate appointment this time because I made an appointment back in October, which he agreed to, but then said he rather not go, so I went by myself.

I didn't do any follow up sessions, because back then I didn't think there was anything I could do without him. Then almost-OM was definitely just a friend.

So I want him to prove to me that we're on the same page.

Maybe I should reconsider, but it does feel like I'm doing all the running, yet there's still the guilt about almost-OM, so maybe I SHOULD be doing the leg work.

You must feel like you are pushing an elephant upstairs.

That's were OM comes in. That relationship will seem easy by comparison.

Believe me, six months down the line it won't seem so easy, and your marriage will be even harder.

If you genuinely want to sort out your marriage, I would say the plan of action should be...

1. Tell OM you need time to sort your marriage out and sever contact.
2. Make an appointment with Relate and hold your husband to it.

If your husband doesn't turn up, you would be within your rights to question his commitment to your marriage. That might be the time for an honest discussion with him.

I do sympathise.

I see what you're saying Bobbie, particularly about OM. The bizarre thing is it's not all heart and flowers there either.

And I'm pretty sure H is the better man, in lots of respects, but OM does fill certain gaps, mainly to do with self-esteem - he shows an interest and concern H has not shown in ages.

I will ask H tonight when he comes in if he's sorted out Relate, but if he hasn't and I say I'll do it I know it'll cause another row. I can't do right for wrong

I totally understand what you are saying...it's all to do with unmet emotional needs, isn't it?

Gaps being filled that you didn't even know were there...

When dh comes in, just get your diary out and say "When is our appointment?"

If he hasn't made the appointment, don't get drawn into a row. That will just make him feel all victimised and sorry for himself.

You have to be strong and just say something like, "You said you would make the appointment and you haven't. That makes me feel sad because it makes me feel as though you don't care about our marriage. If that is true, will you just be honest and say so instead of making promises you have no intention of keeping? If you do care about our marriage, can you tell me what you are prepared to do to help it get better, because I can't do it on my own. If you would prefer me to make the appointment, I will, but you have to promise to be there. If you are not there, I will take that as a further signal that our marriage is not important to you." Then go and have a bath or something.

There's not much there he can argue with really, is there?

I'd write what bobbie said and leave it for him to read while I had a bath.

How are you so wise Bobbie?

Can I switch the bath for uninterrupted Glee followed by the recorded Hustle, please?

Five years (and counting) of therapy!

And believe me, it's easy to sound wise on here...not always so easy to put it into practice.

So I know (believe me, I know) how hard all this is.

Glee and Hustle sound perfect.

Good luck with it

Thank you. I'll let you know how it goes, if that's ok

You'd better

Appointment tomorrow at 7pm. So now I'm scared, what if it turns out to be all my fault and almost OM is just a symptom of my selfishness?

I know it's got to be done, but now after all my pushing and shouting, very definitely getting cold feet

It's really scary. I've been there (still am) and honestly, I was absolutely wetting myself beforehand - and I'm well used to therapy.

It was fine.

It's great that you have an appointment.

And can I just say, selfish people have separate diaries and secret mobile phones and book hotel rooms and generally have a marvellous old time shagging away on the quiet. They don't usually have a near-affair, and then think "yikes" and go off for couples therapy. So stop beating yourself up.

Oh, Hester, well done to you both

Can I just say Bobbie, following on from a conversation last night with DD1 after I commented on how much I loved Sue, the deranged PE teacher in Glee, I think your my real "girl crush"

(Now I'm beginning to sound really emotionally incontinent)

Can I keep posting even after the sessions, assuming we do more than the first, or would that be weird?

Mine's Julia Roberts. No offence

Please do. It would be quite nice to have someone to chat to about the process.

Who made the appointment in the end, if you don't mind me asking?

Don't mind at all - neither Julia Roberts nor asking about the appt.

Twas him. Which should be a good thing, but a tiny part of me is actually disappointed, as if I wanted the argument, to be able to flounce, or something

And of course that should have been you're my real... etc

You sound as if you're at the stage where you're almost looking for things to be pissed off with him about, because that's almost the default setting, iyswim. It's the established script, and it's difficult to step out of it.

Also, if he hadn't, that would have been another justification for carrying on seeing almost-OM...sorry if that's overstepping the mark. I'm not judging you, by the way. It's a totally natural reaction.

But look, you're going. That's the main thing. It's not easy. Don't underestimate how brave you're both being. You'll have thoughts and feelings you're not proud of. Who doesn't? But actions are the important thing.

Be prepared Hester for some tough questions - my therapist actually asked me why I felt I was always right and that I liked being a victim and got off on all the drama. Came out a bit bruised from that one !!! DH got it in the next session

Mine told me I was an equatorial whirlwind, while dh is an antarctic rock!

Trust me to get a metaphorically challenged therapist...

Go for it Hester (relate that is), it will be very challenging but worth it in the end.

You're right on both counts, but spot on as regards wanting to be pissed off with him.

It's almost always my automatic response, I had to bite my tongue when he said he'd made the appointment, 7pm not being great timing for DS's bedtime. But I didn't say anything and was actually bizarrely proud of my self for not immediately finding fault.

Not sure about almost-OM, I don't like the idea of no contact and I suppose yes, if H hadn't made the appt I would have felt more justified.

And I am very worried Countingto10 that I have been deluding myself for 10 years or so and am actually expecting to be told so

Really, if this counselling is going to work, you are going to have to cut contact.

Trust me, you will feel terrible sitting there listening to your husband spilling his guts while you are sitting on such a big secret.

I know it's hard, I really do. But just take it day by day. It's like stopping an addiction. This man makes you feel good and fulfils needs - how can it be easy?

But try to put faith in the counselling process. Even if you tell yourself you are putting the OM on the back burner for a few months while you get clarity on your marriage, try very hard to do without him.

Otherwise you're likely to make yourself feel ten times worse.