The almost interesting saga of the almost-OM update

[HesterPrynne]

Sorry, I had hoped to come back before the original thread disappeared off the first page, but then... nada.

As you may remember I had emailed a local counsellor, but H persuaded me not to make an appointment, but to save, money and neuroses, for Relate, which he absolutely promised to arrange.

So far nothing's happened... "I've been too busy, will do it tomorrow." "They're not answering the phone/email" "They said I had to confirm the date (poss this Wed) with you, now they're not answering again," are a selection of the excuses I have been given.

Now even asking about it causes snappiness and sulks.

I'm really tempted to say, if we're not in a conversation with a third party by Wednesday night, then that's it - you'll have confirmed our marriage is not your priority.

Can't decide if that's a fair ultimatum or not.

Still trying hard to keep almost-OM at more than arms length, but its so difficult when things are so tense at home.

And although I haven't come completely clean, I have told H that my vows are under considerable strain, but my intention is to make our marriage work if he'll work with me. No real sign of that yet, though

Sorry, got thrown off the computer, DD2 needed to facebook do her homework.

I know you're right Bobbie about severing contact, and I will, I promise.

Thanks for your encouragement CarGirl, I'm definitely going to Relate, just nervous. I suspect this is going to change our lives, one way or another and that's scary.

Just take baby steps. It's hard to do it as a knee jerk reaction, making the grand gesture. It seems such a sacrifice. But if you are kind to yourself, and really think through what is going to be best for you long term, I think you'll come to the conclusion that having OM in the wings is just adding to your stress.

Let us know how you get on tomorrow.

Best of luck.

How did it go, Hester?

I'm not sure really how it went Bobbie. It was just an initial, 'can we help' session, but it all felt unreal somehow.

I felt I was reading from a script - just repeating what I've said to H many times over the years and he said what he always says - at least we knew each other lines.

We will keep going, but an even bigger part of me now thinks it's all just too late.

Oh and just to add an extra element he's just told me he's applied for a job in Abu Dhabi Now that's really going to fix a broken marriage

And thanks again Bobbie for thinking of me. I feel a bit of a fraud for some reason and wasn't sure whether to post or not

Abu Dhabi??

Did he not discuss it with you first?

Why a fraud?

Yep Abu Dhabi.

The discussion consisted of 'there's some jobs going at a company I've done some work for and I've applied." Oh, ok then.

A fraud, cos I feel nothing at the moment and I'm taking up your, and any lurking MNers', time and mental energy for no real reason.

You even think about me when I'm not here.

And a fraud at Relate, taking up someone else's appointment who might have real issues. I really felt as if I was talking about somebody else, because it was so unemotionally, so matter of fact.

Well, I'll decide whether you're worth my time, missus!

Your posts are very pertinent to me, as I'm going through similar, so talking to you helps me as much as I hope it helps you.

We all take each other's time up for no real reason - that's what MN is all about!

And for what it's worth, your issues are very real.

Blimey. The Abu Dhabi thing is a bit unilateral...

It was bizarre, I actually thought maybe we'd had an earlier conversation that I'd forgotten. But no.

The thing I don't get is that he knows enough of my Eve-like temptation (not that I have delusions of grandeur) so is he

a) testing me further, can I resist when he's out of the country for six months
b) just not listening to what I say at all
c) listening but not believing
d) completely unconcerned if I do or don't fall

Answers on a postcard please.

I'm off out now...will ponder.

Hester, I'm a lurker...

I think the Abu Dhabi thing is bizarre. Is it real or he is trying to make you worried about him going?

Have a nice evening Bobbie.

I'm not sure Belle.

I suppose he could have said it just to see what my reaction would be, whether or not I would be worried or not want him to go.

But he presented it as if he was applying for a job 10 miles down the road, and I responded in that way. So if it is a ruse, he's presumably now thinking I don't care one way or t'other. But the company is definitely advertising vacancies.

It's not hard to see why we both said communication was an issue last night is it?

No, it's not.

I think this has been said before, and I think you think this anyway, but your nearly OM isn't really relevant to this, is he? I get the feeling that even if NOM wasn't around you'd still be having these problems with DH.

What, in an ideal world, would you like relationship wise? And is there any chance of having that with DH if he's willing to work on communication issues with you?

Aaaand, I'll get flamed for this but you could behave as if you are having an affair. You know, the cool and aloof thing but making extra effort with hair/make-up and maybe some new clothes? It may give your DH something to think about re appreciating you plus you might feel a bit happier too.

That said, it's manipulative and game playing and probably not the behaviour one should encourage!

You're right. Almost-OM is just a sideshow really, but he has enabled me to put up with the shit in my marriage.

Without the positive sense of myself that I get at work, not just from OM, but others who recognise and appreciate my competence and seem to like me, I think I would probably have disappeared into a cloud of ADs or worse by now.

Actually a few months back, in a conversation about how much I rely on work to keep me sane, I did ask H if he'd noticed how I had started to wear a bit of slap into work and had a new office wardrobe, (that I had acquired gradually from when A-OM first came on the scene). All he said was yes he had noticed and thought it was good that it was giving me back some self-esteem [hmmm] This is a job I had been doing for at least two years before I got to know A-OM.

And I've had whole text convos, completely openly, which he has either failed to notice, not bothered to ask about/comment on, or cannot be arsed about. Again take your pick!

I forget to answer your first question, sorry.

In an ideal world, I'd like H

to make me feel sexy and cared for. Cherished even

to make me believe that I don't just disappear from his mind as soon as I'm out of sight.

that I come somewhere above third or fourth on any given priority list.

not to say after a 20-odd year relationship, oh I didn't know you didn't like Boursin cheese, or coffee creams or whatever

None of which is unreasonable!

I guess you've already told him how you feel?

I have told him, but he always retaliates that he'd like to feel the first one too, but doesn't.

So then I say, but I need you to show me some of the other things on the list, before I can make you feel loved. And then he says the rest are all just 'stupid', 'in my head' or 'controlling'. With lots of 'of courses' and 'obviously' thrown in

And round and round it goes.

In that case, I'm sorry but he doesn't seem to have any intention of changing or trying to make things work. I honestly don't see how you can move forward unless he changes his approach.

Also, think he needs a sharp metaphorical slap on the side of his thick skull (but that'll be my lack of subtlety showing again).

That's what scares me, that he doesn't want to change.

Even when he finally admits that it must be hard to live with he just shrugs and says 'well that's the way I am'.

A couple of months back we had a row about him 'forgetting' to do a whole load of things which we had agreed he would do as he wasn't working. Stuff like price a variety of Christmas pressies (he has never independently brought the kids a present, ever); to confirm with friends that they were ok to have the dog over a weekend. And a couple of other things over a few days. Nothing too taxing.

In the calm after the row, I suggested that if it was his rubbish memory, and not just him ignoring me, then maybe he should work on a way to remember stuff. 'What do you want me to do - write lists," was his response, as if that was just too demeaning to even consider. And that, and variations on that, are his usual responses.

Either I'm upset over nothing because 'obviously' I'm important to him, or it's just his way and that's that.

Sorry Belle, just splurged a bit there. Bet you wished you'd never asked

He's passive aggressive.

The Abu Dhabi thing is passive aggressive, imo.

I think BDSM is right about AOM being a sideshow...I'd say a symptom, though.

You need to ask him what he's angry about. And to my mind, he needs individual therapy.

God, it's all such bloody hard work, isn't it?

Welcome back Bobbie, I hope you've been somewhere nice. I think I've scared Belle off

It is very hard work, and I'm getting pretty close to thinking it's really not worth it.

I've often wondered if I'm the passive aggressive one, and was one of the reasons for my last thread about whether or not I was abusing him. Still not got to the bottom of that one.

Theatre - it was okay.

From what you've said, you don't sound passive aggressive to me.

The dynamic in your relationship sounds like the one that has sent my dh and me into therapy.

We communicate very differently - and ineffectively. I yell and create in order to get a reaction - which makes him retreat further into his shell and become ever more uncommunicative and unresponsive - which makes me yell even more (and sulk ) which makes him retreat even more...etc etc etc.

Does that sound familiar?

My therapist (I've got them coming out of my ears) told me I have a histrionic personality and dh has a schizoid one. I think I might have told you about this before...am I becoming boring?

I haven't really got any answers, other than keep on trucking, and look after yourself. It's all we can really do. I'm starting to realise that I shouldn't expect my dh (or any man) to be able to fulfill all my needs. It's maybe a bit too much to ask.

But then you see some couples...oh, I don't know.

Nobody said marriage was going to be easy, did they?

It sounds very familiar, yes. Sorry that you're here too.

As Chris Martin (not someone I regularly quote) said: "Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be so hard"

Are you actually getting anywhere with the therapy? I'm still not convinced that Relate is the answer. I fear it's just delaying the inevitable.

Waiting for DD to go to bed so I can dig deeper into Abu Dhabi.

And no you're not boring me, the yawns are tiredness, honest

Well, we're not very far into it, but I'm finding the therapy helpful, in that a third party is there, confirming our problems are real and not all in my head, iyswim.

And it appears that dh takes our issues more seriously now that a professional is involved. That annoyed me at first, because I couldn't see why he couldn't have just listened to me, but I've had to make myself get past that.

I think Relate will help you get clarity, if nothing else. They can help couples separate amicably, if that is what they find they want. It's not guaranteed to patch up marriages.

And I can see my dh is trying hard. I just need to up my efforts a bit...which makes me feel guilty. I think there's a touch of "I've been flogging myself to death for years - now it's your turn", which probably isn't very mature.

We need to learn to communicate. I don't think we ever really have. And I think my therapy has made me more aware of our problems and my needs. I worry that I've therapied myself right out of my marriage. Scary.

Blimey, I'm writing reams...

WAKE UP HESTER!!

Still here .

It's spooky - it's like talking to myself. I know exactly what you mean about it being his turn to work at it and the stuff about it meaning more because someone else is there.

One of my smaller gripes over the years has been H's habit of ignoring my suggestions on all sorts of stuff, until someone else says its a good idea.

Not sure how hard he's prepared to work though, have to wait and see.