The almost interesting saga of the almost-OM update

[HesterPrynne]

Sorry, I had hoped to come back before the original thread disappeared off the first page, but then... nada.

As you may remember I had emailed a local counsellor, but H persuaded me not to make an appointment, but to save, money and neuroses, for Relate, which he absolutely promised to arrange.

So far nothing's happened... "I've been too busy, will do it tomorrow." "They're not answering the phone/email" "They said I had to confirm the date (poss this Wed) with you, now they're not answering again," are a selection of the excuses I have been given.

Now even asking about it causes snappiness and sulks.

I'm really tempted to say, if we're not in a conversation with a third party by Wednesday night, then that's it - you'll have confirmed our marriage is not your priority.

Can't decide if that's a fair ultimatum or not.

Still trying hard to keep almost-OM at more than arms length, but its so difficult when things are so tense at home.

And although I haven't come completely clean, I have told H that my vows are under considerable strain, but my intention is to make our marriage work if he'll work with me. No real sign of that yet, though

Gosh, don't worry about swearing! I'm quite an enthusiastic swearer in real life

Don't be hard on yourself. Sometimes you have to go out on a limb and trust people. Have you told AOM that she knows? Would he mind?

The train man was exactly the kind of man one of my friends always attracts. I call them her lame ducks (rather cruelly) but she's so kind to them they always get the wrong idea. I'm never rude or unkind in that way but obviously one talks about one's partner and child a lot during those kinds of conversation (even if the partner was a stretch of imagination really).

As for what I'm goig to do - that's easy really. I'm peeling away. Every day it gets a little easier and a little less painful. There is already no more intimacy (he sleeps in spare room when he stays to look after DD if I'm in London/Edinburgh/etc). To be honest, I don't think I want him any more but he's been around a long time and DD loves him so much. I can't be bothered to find a replacement either. My whole attitude to my "love life" can best be described as "can't be arsed".

I have my various spares suitors but I'm not interested. I don't lead anyone on - I tell them I'm not up for a relationship or even just sex. I think I need a rest from the whole idea, to be honest.

Phew - ths is cathartic. I feel like a big load has been lifted off my chest.

I will stop rambling now.

Ramble away, that's what we're here for.

You are very calm and dignified, Belle.

Swearing is good. It is big and clever

I haven't told AOM, and I think he would be concerned.

But we don't hide our friendship at work, ie we sit in the canteen to have coffee, just haven't divulged the one blip. And I wasn't specific about that last night either, so hopefully no harm done

It's odd actually how we've slipped into semi-secretive mode, without really talking about it. Like everything between us it just seems to have happened organically.

Thank you for listening. I am going to bed now - I'm shattered. Also, I have to think up a musical name and tht will take some effort!

Night mrsh, night hester, night John Boy, etc.

Good night all. I love my evenings spent in your company. Please don't have too good a time without me tomorrow and Saturday. I'll be watching!

Last thing - well done on keeping it to the one blip. I remember ages back saying "it will happen again" in the manner of a toothless old soothsayer.

Don't worry - it sounds as though you've been discreet. And I'm sure you have good instincts about who to trust.

Night

mrsh - why would you feel a fraud? Don't, please don't.

hester - please be kind to yourself.

Night, night lovely ladies.

Helloooo. Anyone out there. I hope you're both having wonderful weekends, with no time to check in here

Hi, Hester.

How're you doing?

I'm OK thanks, just back from watching DD1 in a dance show, and had a family singalong to Chicago numbers while peeling potatoes

I keep promising myself that when I can spare the money I'm going to have singing lessons again, but it never happens. I've just got it in my head that it will make everything seem better somehow.

How are you?

I think singing lessons would be a wonderful idea. Everyone should have a creative outlet.

Not so good, really, Hester...things are a bit difficult. All my own fault, but can't seem to do right for doing wrong. Wish I was stronger. Also wish there was a way we could chat without the whole world being able to read our business - I keep having massive fits of paranoia! (Hence the frenzy of post deleting I had on Friday...)

I love Chicago - one of my favourite films. Have you seen Nine? I meant to catch it at the cinema but didn't get around to it.

I'm sorry you're having a bad time of it. I am on CAT if you want to reach me that way.

I know what you mean though, I think I'm sailing a bit close to the wind too, and it's more luck than management that one of the DDs has not discovered this thread.

I spend so much time on here, you'd have thought someone might be curious, but not so far, fortunately.

But I'm very loath to lose something/someone that has helped me so much these past few weeks. Particularly as I'm inching towards cutting myself off in other ways

How do you go about CAT? Would you mind? It's just that I do chat to real-life friends about what's going on here, but I'm feeling increasingly disloyal and unfair to dh in doing so. I also think I'm starting to bore them to death. There were definitely stifled yawns over dinner last night

Inching towards cutting yourself off from AOM, do you mean?

I think you just click on the 'Contact poster' button on the light blue bar behind the nickname and MN forward it to me. Of course I wouldn't mind.

The loyalty thing is one of the reasons I think I've sunk as low as I have, because until discovering you there's been no one I thought I could tell without them taking sides.

Yes, I tried to say on Sat after work that I had to stop because I'm not coping with the just friends very well, but he persuaded me not to cut him off completely, yet. I would feel virtually alone if he wasn't there.

Yet?

Wonder why he said 'yet'?

Do you think he relies on you as much as you rely on him?

I think the 'yet' was just don't make a hasty decision.

I don't think he does rely on me in the same way, his relationship seems reasonably happy. I'm not sure how, for him, we've got where we are.

Well, there are two schools of thought, aren't there? One is that affairs can happen in happy marriages, the other is that happily married people don't look elsewhere.

I tend to think it's a grey area - people are messy, emotions are messy, we don't always know why we react as we do.

I know that you two aren't getting physical, so maybe he's just emotionally attached...maybe enjoying the attention as much as you are...maybe enjoying your heart to hearts...what's your instinct telling you?

My instincts tell me he is emotionally attached, but just occasionally I've felt a shiver of shame that maybe he's just toying with me, enjoying my attachment too much, if that makes sense.

I don't know what to think. If I'm honest, don't know what he gets out of it at all: the hearts to hearts focus on me; he's the one who is very determined that nothing more should happen physically (I suspect I'd fall into his arms, if he let me ).

I feel a lot like he's the grown up, but don't understand why he's bothering.

Yes, it makes sense...I recognise that shiver of shame...

He's obviously decent - he could quite easily take advantage...

Maybe he just really, really likes you?

How are things going with H?

Things are OK with H, we don't argue as much, but I think that's as much down to me not caring anymore I just can't be bothered to fight about it anymore.

He was really nice about my hangover on Thursday, but it still feels like a sharing a house with a friendly relative, possibly a cousin, who'd I miss if he wasn't around, but not enough to wish him back.

But I'm pretty sure I've shifted any sense of guilt to AOM, so making it better with H would feel like a betrayal AOM in some bizarre way.

Aaargh

There's always the worry that making it better with H would open the guilt floodgates too, isn't there?

Poor you.

God, life is messy, isn't it? It all seemed so simple when I was 25...

I hadn't even thought of that with regards the guilt, maybe your right.

Unfortunately my life wasn't particularly good at 25 either in terms of relationships, still pining for an on/off college love; met H when he was living with his girlfriend, went through a year or so being OW, while he separated; he then moved straight in with me and having been part of his breakup, I suspect I could never find a way to allow myself to think it was all a mistake.

Sorry, this isn't cheering you up any is it? Have you tried the CAT thing, or do you prefer to the restriction of the thread? I sometimes think if I could just stop thinking and analysing it all, it would all become much much easier.