The almost interesting saga of the almost-OM update

[HesterPrynne]

Sorry, I had hoped to come back before the original thread disappeared off the first page, but then... nada.

As you may remember I had emailed a local counsellor, but H persuaded me not to make an appointment, but to save, money and neuroses, for Relate, which he absolutely promised to arrange.

So far nothing's happened... "I've been too busy, will do it tomorrow." "They're not answering the phone/email" "They said I had to confirm the date (poss this Wed) with you, now they're not answering again," are a selection of the excuses I have been given.

Now even asking about it causes snappiness and sulks.

I'm really tempted to say, if we're not in a conversation with a third party by Wednesday night, then that's it - you'll have confirmed our marriage is not your priority.

Can't decide if that's a fair ultimatum or not.

Still trying hard to keep almost-OM at more than arms length, but its so difficult when things are so tense at home.

And although I haven't come completely clean, I have told H that my vows are under considerable strain, but my intention is to make our marriage work if he'll work with me. No real sign of that yet, though

That's just it...I feel that as we've started this process, I have to give it a chance.

It is spooky - I've been thinking for ages that I could have written many of your posts.

Good to know I'm not alone

But then again, maybe we're both just mad, and our Hs poor, long suffering victims

But I do have to go to bed. If there's anything to report on Abu Dhabi, I'll let you know tomorrow morning. But won't be around til Sunday after that.

I will be back.

Well we 'discussed' Abu Dhabi. None the wiser really.

He has to get a job, there's nothing here for him (nothing being not one he can walk into and do exactly the same as he's always done - with more money).

Never actually gave a straight answer to whether he had just had enough and this was an easier get out than just saying our marriage is over.

Funnily enough I too could apply for job in AD, which is exactly my role at the moment. Maybe I should, why should he be the one who gets to escape!

Hi Hester

You didn't scare me off - just other stuff intruded and I never had a chance to get back onto MN.

Do you think, big breath, that actually him going to Abu Dhabi might be a bit of a blessing in disguise? You can both maybe see how you get on without each other and perhaps that will give you a real insight into whether you do want to stay together or not?

I'm not meaning to post and run - I'm a bit under the weather today but should be doing some work (oh how unreasonable of my employer to expect output).

I like you and I think you deserve to be happy.

Oh, thanks Belle. I wonder if you'd like me as well as Hester? I have followed you around on other threads and I like you too .

Sorry to hear you're not feeling well - hope the weekend will see you right.

Yes, if I'm honest, AD would be a blessing, probably not too disguised actually, but I feel guilty even thinking that.

Frankly, at the moment I just want something to change, anything - and a job abroad, would be infinitely better than an affair

I have a mental picture of you keeping things going despite your feelings - coping well with everything and just getting on with it. I hope your kitchen is a lovely as I think it is!

hope you don't mind me joining but 12 months ago I was where you are now. after trying to get h to accept that we needed to prioritize our marriage (had been doing this for years) I gave up. couldn't separate the idea of leaving h from leaving my children and had an affair to supply what was lacking (and it wasn't the sex so much as the appreciation ). realized that an affair for me wasn't the answer. I couldn't live with that level of deceit. am now separating from h. I'm not leaving for om, more to live my life the way I want. that time spent desparately waiting for some sign of affection is soul destroying and I'd rather be on my own.
guess my regret is not being strong enough to do what I needed to do without compromising my principles first, but am doing right thing now. be strong and take a good hard look at what you want out of life. sometimes it's harder to admit that some things just run their course.
do feel for you.
btw can do caps at start of sentence but it's late and I'm on iPhone so cba

Hester - where are you? Are you ok?

I'm here Belle, safe and sound. I work odd hours on Friday and Saturday, don't get home til gone midnight. I rarely get the chance to log on, but I can occasionally lurk, so I don't miss all the Friday night threads

I wish my kitchen was anywhere near as lovely as you think it is ... It is sunny and spacious though, so as long as you keep your eye above surface level and avoid all the detritus that three kids, one bloke and a dog can leave behind, it's passable.

Berries, Hi. Everyone's welcome. I'm sorry about your marriage, but pleased to see you're on the right track now. I know what you mean about not feeling strong enough, but I really can't decide if we've run the course or not. Hopefully that's where Relate will come in.

I have made a decision (I think!) to distance myself as far as I can from AOM. I work in the same office, so can't detach completely. But it dawned me on Friday night, that having to pretend that I'm happy just being friends with him, is as dispiriting as my marriage. I'm actually just adding to my general store of misery.

The energy it takes to remember I can't touch him, or look at him in a certain way, or any of the things I yearn to do when I'm with him, is so draining. We have agreed to be just friends, but both know we could be more. Too much is at stake

You're very principled. I really admire you. It would be so easy to slip into something which might cause you confusion and obscure what's really going on (in both relationships).

Sooo, Relate again this week? Do you think you will bring up the Abu Dhabi stuff in the session?

Sorry for nagging about where you were - think if of me as your cyber mother! x

Don't apologise, I didn't think of it as nagging, just concern. It's nice to think someone cares out there, somewhere

I don't feel very principled, and feeling admired is a very peculiar sensation. Particularly as I fear that the problems in my marriage may well be down to me and I'm only doing the right thing for selfish reasons.

We haven't yet got a set date for Relate, we have to wait for one to come up. They reckoned a couple of weeks. Not sure about the Abu D stuff. I suspect, it's another symptom of our failure to communicate, or connect in any meaningful way. I just don't think he links things in the way I do. To him it's just another job option in no way connected to our marriage. Whereas for me everything is linked in a tight, suffocating web and I can no longer separated the banalities from the important stuff.

Oh I should say for the sake of fairness I got flowers for Valentine's Day.

I think what you're describing about connections is a very typical difference between men and women. Women tend to take a/an (?) holistic view whereas men tend to compartmentalise.

I don't think the problems you've outlined are down to you. I think you're both in a place where things need to change but if only one of you is willing to consider change you're a bit stuffed (that's the technical term).

Glad you got some flowers though.

Hi Hester and Belle.

I find it so interesting what you have been saying about women taking an holistic view, while men compartmentalise.

My dh and I had a really long talk in the early hours of this morning about our marriage, and I asked him to pinpoint the last time he thought we were happy. He said when our youngest was a baby (he's now nine). I was astonished, because I agreed with him, but had no idea he had been miserable for as long as I had. I asked him how he had stood it for so long and he said, "Well, I haven't been unremittingly miserable, there have been happy days and good stuff going on at the same time."

I was fairly astounded. For me, our relationship is the defining factor in my life, and if it's going badly, then everything else is coloured by that. I've had depression, been on beta blockers, had years of therapy - and I swear it's largely been down to the state of our relationship - though it's taken me until very recently to admit to that.

What I'm wondering now is, is my all-encompassing approach the wrong one? Is it my fault for needing too much?

I got flowers, too, by the way. And some perfume. He is trying

No, no, it doesn't make you wrong at all. It's just how men/women are. There's a quote by some poet or other (which I'll find properly in a minute) about how love is a thing apart for men but is a woman's whole existence. I think, sadly, for a lot of us that's true.

Do you think all men are like that?

Blimey.

Er, that poet was Byron ... The quote from Don Juan is:

Man's love is of man's life a thing apart,
'Tis woman's whole existence.

I've not yet met a man who isn't like that but despite conducting an extensive survey for the last 30 years (if I pretend it didn't start until I was 14) I am not an expert!

Well, I studied Byron at degree level and your quote didn't ring even the slightest bell, so at this end, too!

That's really interesting.

I think I'm going to have to do some serious work on myself.

I have three "rules" about men (and I'm still rubbish at them). The rules are:

1. A man should enhance your life - not make it difficult or painful.

2. Judge a man by what he does, not what he says. It's easy to say "I love you".

3. And, in the early stages of a relationship, if a man wants to speak with you/see you/be with you he will make the effort. If he doesn't call it is unlikely that he has been kidnapped, etc.

I'm a horrible old cynic though... I said on a thread the other day that I think I was a nicer person when I still "believed" (ie believed in love, etc).

Your first two rules have made me feel a bit sad.

Hmm.

We'll see.

Thanks Belle.

Ah, I didn't mean to make you sad. I've been involved in something on/off for ages (currently off) so I don't manage to live by them. I just think they're simple but true but it doesn't stop you loving someone or trying to make things work. Also, people can and do change.

Do you really think people change, just by force of will?

I know I've changed over the years, but I put it down to therapy.

And I'm not at all sure I've really changed for the better...I think I'm much more selfish now.

Hence marital discord...is it better just to put up and shut up, I wonder?

I think we all get more "selfish" as we get older. Not sure if it's actually selfish or just knowing/realising what we want (or don't). Someone once said to me that being accused of being selfish just means you're doing what you want rather than what someone else wants. Not always bad?

Only you can know if it's best to put up and shut up. Not something I can do but, as I've said, I'm not a good example of being in a relationship. In fact, if I'd crashed cars as often as I've crashed my heart I'd never drive again.

I'm totally inexperienced. Dh first proper boyfriend, never slept with anyone else. We've been together half my life.

Which is why it was a massive shock to realise that, actually, we don't work all that well together.

It seems a lot to give up on, though. I think the phrase is "keep buggering on."

I wonder where Hester's got to? Anyone would think there was such a thing as real life to attend to...

Are you two talking behind my back?

Will just catch up and be back

Another similarity between us Bobbie, I read Byron up to degree and I didn't recognise the quote either

The connections thing is not only about the whole 'relationship' but also how he seems to think each new day is just that, and doesn't pull things over, whereas I feel everything all at once and can't let go of the bits. Does that make sense?

And I also subscribe to your rules Belle, but have fallen well short over the years. In fact if I think back pre-H all my boyfriends brought little but anguish into my life with brief moments of bliss, which always seemed to be enough to keep me hanging on. Never really learned

Ooh that was a Freudian slip, before typing sad for my emotything I typed Dad. Whole new area of therapy for me perhaps?