The almost interesting saga of the almost-OM update

[HesterPrynne]

Sorry, I had hoped to come back before the original thread disappeared off the first page, but then... nada.

As you may remember I had emailed a local counsellor, but H persuaded me not to make an appointment, but to save, money and neuroses, for Relate, which he absolutely promised to arrange.

So far nothing's happened... "I've been too busy, will do it tomorrow." "They're not answering the phone/email" "They said I had to confirm the date (poss this Wed) with you, now they're not answering again," are a selection of the excuses I have been given.

Now even asking about it causes snappiness and sulks.

I'm really tempted to say, if we're not in a conversation with a third party by Wednesday night, then that's it - you'll have confirmed our marriage is not your priority.

Can't decide if that's a fair ultimatum or not.

Still trying hard to keep almost-OM at more than arms length, but its so difficult when things are so tense at home.

And although I haven't come completely clean, I have told H that my vows are under considerable strain, but my intention is to make our marriage work if he'll work with me. No real sign of that yet, though

Oh go on then, I'll hang about for a bit

Well, one other link is that I used to be a teacher, but I taught in a secondary school.

Easy to be kind to you, Bobbie. And, at risk of over analysis, wasn't aware of being kind. It was the response you evoked.

Frankly, you're both great. Suspect that you're both in need of a really good day out doing something arty. Any good exhibitions coming up at the V&A or RA?

Goodnight and wish me luck in convincing DD (called India - I know it's not done to name her but keep typing her name and it makes odd reading if I leave it there accidentally) that 6am is the middle of the night and not getting up time.

Funny you should say that, I'm off to the RA on 24th to see the Van Gogh exhibition.

And you're pretty great, too

Don't apologise, Bobbie, you're forgetting how we met

Did you teach English? I did consider that, but I remember how jaded I got during my degree when I HAD to read and analyse all the time and used to yearn for a quadratic equation to solve

That and all the PGCEs for secondaries were full and I'd have to wait for September and will definitely talked myself out of it, again, by then

It's been years since I stepped into an art gallery .

Thought you were going Belle but obviously, because it is now expected, I agree with Bobbie - you're great too

Now we've really made sure no one else is going to join the thread

Yes, I taught English. It was great fun, the analysis up to GCSE is pretty low level, and you can be quite creative, especially with the younger ones.

I loved doing Shakespeare with the year 8s, getting them to act out scenes from Macbeth ...and Romeo and Juliet with yr 9, the girls going all swoony

I loved it.

Ooops All those grins I look really inane. Sorry

You're great too, Hester

Look, I did a grin and far too many pointy brackets.

It's allowed.

If it's not prying too far, why don't you teach now?

You must have been inspiring, all my best teachers loved what they were doing.

Well, I didn't teach for very long before I had kids.

Then I was at home for a bit, then dh and I started our own business, so I help out with that.

Then I rediscovered writing, and now I'm aiming to do that for a living. I might be deluding myself, but it was my fantasy ambition, whereas teaching was my realistic ambition.

I guess I just want to give it a shot. I wouldn't rule out returning to teaching forever, though. It's in the back of my mind, always.

So do you have half finished novels/scripts shoved in the back of drawers?

What sort of writer would you say you were? Whose style do you aspire to?

Oh yes, I have a portable hard drive that is groaning with unfinished stuff. I have a novel that is 22000 words in, and scraps everywhere.

I tend to write short stories at the moment - first person internal narratives...not on purpose, they just come out that way. I like to get into my characters' heads. I don't go in for long, drawn out descriptions.

I aspire to write like Roddy Doyle, or Toni Morrison, or Cormac McCarthy, or Anne Tyler or Alice Munro.

I have a way to go!

However, I can't write at the moment. I've lost my muse

Hopefully I will unblock soon ( I sound like a broken loo).

OMG I'm reading Toni Morrison, Song of Solomon at the moment, - again. My DD2 is named after one of her eponymous heroines.

And I have read everything by Anne Tyler, most several times. I would love to be able to even aspire to write them, particularly Tyler who has such perfect pitch and rhythm.

I really liked early Roddy Doyle, but he's lost me a bit recently, since Paddy Clarke really, just seems to have lost something, his sparkle.

I don't think I've read the other two.

Song of Solomon...wow, that takes me back to uni days. I read Beloved, then just devoured everything of hers I could get my hands on.

I used to want to call any dd I might have had Sethe...

Have you tried The Woman Who Walked Into Doors and Paula Spencer (by Doyle)? The latter is utterly heartbreaking and uplifting all at the same time.

You should give Alice Munro a go if you like Anne Tyler. She writes short stories, beautifully observed.

Cormac Mcarthy's The Road is an amazing book, as is All the Pretty Horses. Am struggling with No Country for Old Men, but will persevere. Suspect it is a bit much alongside Tolstoy.

I will look out for Munro. I think I have The Road around somewhere, possibly borrowed from someone, who's cursing me for the theft.

It's now officially very late. And as you tried to leave ages ago, you must feel like you've been kidnapped.

Hope to speak to you again soon. And Belle too.

Night. Sleep well

Night!

After last night's lovely hiatus, a sad question for you: Why do I keep thinking that I want to reintroduce sex to my marriage, buy the underwear, plan the scenarios, look forward to it, but wimp out as soon as I know he's interested, without even wearing the knickers.

I have a lovely camisole set which I brought at Christmas, which I haven't worn yet, but each time I think tonight's the night, but then I look at him and think 'nah' ... although I know he would.

What's wrong with me?

Fear of disappointment? Are you building it up too much?

Fear of intimacy? If you are not truly intimate in a non-sexual way, it can be difficult to be intimate in a sexual way. Kind of like going from 0-70 mph in ten seconds.

Perhaps it would be better to have some more casual, "it just happened" sex a few times before making the big gestures.

If you haven't been having much sex or getting on that well, going for the all guns blazing, sexy knickers, full on type sex might be a bit like being given the keys to a Lamborghini the day after passing your driving test.

Or maybe there is a little bit of anger there, in that it's yet again you buying the knickers, you doing the inititating, you making all the effort?

Do you want him to take charge for once?

The trouble with 'it just happens' sex is that it doesn't.

I might want it to, in my head, during the day when he's not around, but then as soon as it becomes a possibility any desire just melts away.

And I suspect because he still expects me to reject him he does the bare minimum to suggest he might be interested, a goodnight peck, rather than just a terse good night, but unless I respond with obvious intentions he backs away really quickly.

It seems topsy turvy, I know he doesn't need 'seducing' as such, yet it's me that plans for seduction. While he knows, cos I've told him countless times that I want to be 'courted and seduced', but nothing...

In the end I think you're right about a need for non-sexual intimacy it's just not there. As I said earlier I feel exposed just laughing with him

If he tried to seduce you, would you melt?

Or would you think "Oh no"?

It sounds like a vicious circle...he daren't approach you for fear of rejection, which makes you feel rejected and angry, which makes you give off vibes that mean he daren't approach you, and on it goes.

When what we all want is an ohmigodyou'regorgeousIcan'tkeepmyhandsoffyou relationship. One that doesn't involve constant thinking, thinking, thinking that makes you think your way out of wanting to ever have sex with someone again.

It needs the angst taking out of it, doesn't it?

At the risk of sounding harsh, I think your h needs to pull his finger out and realise he's bloody lucky to have an intelligent, attractive woman who is working very bloody hard to keep the marriage on the rails. And then do something to keep her.

How hard would it be for him to light some candles and do a bit of online shopping at Coco de Mer? Really? Or send you a few flirty texts?

Is it communication again do you think?

Could you say something like, "When I have to make the first move all the time, I feel upset. It would be nice if you would make an effort to make me feel wanted, because at the moment, I don't, and that makes me worry about our relationship and what's going to happen." ?

Then you could give him a list (perhaps in a nice notebook) of Things That Turn Hester On. They don't all have to be erotic - a footrub on the sofa, having a bath run - things that make you feel cherished and looked after are all conducive to intimacy.

If he still isn't playing after all that, I can only suggest bringing this problem up when you next go to counselling.

Wow, I've written a novel! Sorry.

I really don't know if I'd melt or not, I just can't imagine it happening any more.

I have tried to tell him, time and time again, that seduction is not just washing his bits before getting into bed. That it's a work of hours, if not days of little touches that make me fleetingly special.

Those flowers he got me yesterday, for instance, were just plonked in a dry vase in the kitchen. Which my DS took me to see, when I got up. H's only reference to them was 'did you like the flowers, then?' It's as if just buying the things was all that it took, no message, no conversation nada.

It's as if the mere fact that he still wants to shag me should be enough to make me swoon.

That should be more than fleetingly special'

Oh dear.

Your dh needs a kick up the arse, if you don't mind me saying so.

No wonder you have been tempted. You're only human. It's like someone offering you a drink of water after twenty years in the desert, isn't it?

On the other hand, I could put my charitable hat on and offer the possibility that he is just so frightened of getting it wrong that he avoids "romance" altogether - and gets it even more wrong than he would have done if he'd tried and messed up a bit, iyswim?

You do seem sad, Hester. Wish I could do more to help