Co-Dependant No More

[MrsForgetful]

Hmmm....How to start this thread????

I am a fixer. I like to make sure everyone is happy- and feel responisble for everything. I feel ok when in control- and guilty if i do anything for myself...there is more...but that will do for now.

So, I was told about CO-DEPENDANCY...and having googled it...am now working on improving my life by being 'Co Dependant No More'

Anyone care to join me on my journey????

p.s...though married have felt alone for so long...and thought there was no hope for my marriage

Thanks for the inspiration, Mrs.F
I've revisited the list you posted on your other thread ... and tick nearly every item. Oh dear!

So. I'm restarting my 12 steps and putting a LOT more effort into taking care of yours truly. I'm borrowing a hint from you, Mrs.F: just bought a new hair colour!

And I am NOT going to spend more than an hour a day on mumsnet!!!

that list of traits you put on your other thread sounded very familiar - not got major issues with DH - think other family stuff has played more of a part - but I tend to consciously martyr myself - feel that I put everyone else's needs before mine and feel worn down. I also need to start putting myself first....

Grace's steps:
Step 1. Admit to myself and another person (that'll be you!) that I've got a problem & my life is out of control.

• My house looks shabby & unkempt; so do I. This is because I feel "I'm not worth the effort".
• My life is limited & boring. This is because I feel "I can't make the effort".
• My clients all went bust in the crunch; I'm doing nothing to win new ones. This is because I feel "I don't deserve success".
• I spend hours and hours being an agony aunt on the interweb. This is because it makes me feel "useful".

** So I'm devoting my life to the problems of strangers, instead of devoting my life to my own well-being & success.
I feel more worthwhile as an emotional sounding board than as me, in my own right. I am neglecting myself and my life. I admit this is a problem. I'm being co-dependent.

Phew! That took some guts!

Step 2 is: Believe I can turn this around, with help, and commit to action

Oh No, this is me.
I knew i had a problem in the past being a pushover and thought id taken apropriate steps. Just tonight i realised that i have allowed someone to take advantage of me for the last few months because " i dont want to offend them ".

Bollocks.
Whats the next step ?

oh god that bit about the agony aunt stuff/problems of strangers really resonates. somehow it feels like other people are more interesting, noone would want to hear about my problems/life yada yada yada.

Oh, thank you, you two, for your replies! I had actually committed to do this, even if it meant posting all by myself throughout, but I'm so happy to hear from you!!

Actually I'm about to switch the computer OFF (if I can remember where the button is) and pull out the plugs until tomorrow ... after which, I'll be cleaning, tidying, and putting a plan of action together. Yes, I will

Right now, I'm going to watch a film, in front of the fire, with the rest of my wine.

Im going to do the same and ponder what a plan of action will entail. Bet ill have to confess to the various acts of pushoveriness.

Here goes,,I used to let my dog bully me cos i " felt tight ".
Beat that.

well done grace,TC & dignified.
And tonights reading is:
HERE

It's taken from the CD i bought- CoDependant No More.(it might be in the book too)

My 'plan of action' tomorrow is to play the CD and make notes as i go of key words/phrases etc...as at the moment...every few sentances she says something on the CD that i really identify with...
I will write it all in one of my 50 or so 'special note books' that i have obsessively bought over the years...to never use...cos i am scared i'll ruin them...make a mistake etc...so they just sit there - empty.
so thought today...what a PERFECT use for one of these books!

OK...and how about we all post something each day that we HAVE done for US ...and not for family/work/clients etc????

and continue stating something we plan to do tomorrow- that is 'part of the action plan'

And...i warn you that some of my 'tasks/pleasures' will seem very plain and simple...but its amazing how many basic and simple things we deprive ourselves of each day.

(eg...actually to sit down to drink a fresh cup of tea..rather than stand in the kitchen drinking one that i have 'boosted' in the microwave a few times before gulping it down lukewarm)

Having read that, im not sure if im a co dependant, or just a twat !

TODAY I went to B&Q with H (want to go back to calling him DH...but not yet)to look for wallpaper.

Came home with daffodil/tulip/anenome & primula plants and planted up a window box - it is in position now!

TOMORROW -Listen to CD and make notes from it in one of my SPECIAL note books!
(repeating myself...just wanted to reinforce!)

but i'm sure you're not a twat!!!!

I dont know much about this, see what you lot think.

I feel responsible for other people.

I am easily made to feel guilty for things i have no control over.

I end up allowing people to take advantage of me because i either dont realise theyre doing it, or i have trouble asserting myself.

I often end up doing things for others that i dont want to do, then i feel pissed off afterwards.

I am terrible with boundarys ect and often receive late night phone calls from people wanting to whinge ( waste my time ) and people who waste my time in a variety of ways.

I expect to fail at whatever it is, dont like to be praised and am often down on myself.

House is a tip ect.

Does it sound like im a codependant or just a nob?

Should add i was with a bully for years and always felt responsible for him , his life, and even what he had said.

sounds just like me!

I have been doing alot of thinking since this came to light on thursday.

I have very few friends..real friends...people i trust. probably only 2.

everyone else i have ever been 'friendly' with have been people i met through self help/parenting groups...needy, lonely and like you said...they'd ring me at awkward times...late at night...and rather than say "NO" i'd talk...and be seething after- wishing i hadn't answered the phone.

now, i NEVER give my phone number...do everything where poss by email....and most nights unplug the phone so i don't have to feel the panic everytime it rings.

dignified....20 yrs ago i started working with woman who bullied me- i cried so much- and even now...have nightmares about her...and i bet she never thinks of me.

I've been looking at this issue as it sounds familiar to me - Mrs Forgetful, do you also do a job that involves looking after people? I am a volunteer reading helper in my son'd school so I can tick off another thing I do that's 'giving' and not 'saving for me'... But I do enjoy it. I'm debating whether to give it up and maybe do something that would pay so i can treat myself.

KATE...welcome!!!

I haven't worked for a few years....but guess what...i planned to do an online uni course to enable me to get a qualification to work with children with Aspergers syndrome (autism)...and why you may ask when all 3 of my boys have Aspergers -would i want to do that????

maybe i should reconsider!!!

but yes...i am drawn to anything to 'help'...i had a job in a call centre----and a job in retail....and in both jobs....i was praised...but mainly critisised for my AMAZING CUSTOMER CARE....basically...i had to make every customer so happy that i would go home absoultely exhausted every night- on an emotional high...no energy left for ME... and then at every apraisal i was told i wasn't selling enough or taking too long on problems etc...

Oh no, certainly sounds like i have ishoos doesnt it. I attract whingers , i suspect some of my " freindships " are based on this, as if im being honest ( ouch ), some of them only ring to whinge, never to ask how i am.

I know a lot of this is to do with my background, how to change it?

Realised just tonight that i have fell back into the pattern of allowing people to take up my time .My phone rings constantly with various people whinging,, cant remember the last time it rang to suggest a night out.
God thats sad.

Actually im wondering if thats true, as i do get offers of nights out, meeting up ect.
Oh no, i suspect i might secretly like the whinging, confiding ect as it makes me feel, oh, i dont like saying,, you know.

...NEEDED!!!!!

(i'm off to bed now!!!)

Groan , yes. Love it hate it sort of thing.
Feel like i need to book in for therapy !

I do know why im like this, stems from childhood of course, but its destructive and not good for me, and models dad behaviour for the dcs.

Thinking about it, ones very similar.

just a quickie...i identify with JESSICA'S STORY page15

I don't really do "phones" - but sometimes have been collared by needy people on MSN when I did MSN- but then I sometimes gravitate towards needy people - possibly because I feel they don't feel I am inferior to them? Being around bullies/struggling socially at school has made me this way - that I felt that being me wasn't acceptable, I didn't have enough smarts or amusingness for others to want to be my friend - so the one thing i could do was try to be the nicest person - just to be acceptable to others. So I probably radiate DOORMAT....