Grace's Step 4 [part 1]
This is turning out to be extraordinarily complicated. I did the Life Story thing in my rehab Step 4, and have been examining my failings in depth for ten years, during therapy. In the spotlight of co-dependency, I'm finding myself confused. Which can only be a good thing; it just means I might have to use up miles of thread space here (sorry).
I am still reading [http://www.amazon.co.uk/gp/product/1849010986?ie=UTF8&tag=deeplperso-21&linkCode=as2&camp=1634&crea tive=19450&creativeASIN=1849010986 The Compassionate Mind]]. I'm finding it fascinating - and, although I'm still in the 'background' phase of the book - about a quarter of the way in - it's starting to make a difference. I'm looking forward to working through it completely
It's changing my perspective. I'm becoming more impressed by myself - the sheer fact of my existence - and by everyone and everything else, too. It's hard to explain. This is something I thought I'd already achieved but, even a couple of chapters into the book, I started feeling resistance from what I 'thought' I knew - and realised Paul Gilbert was tearing away layers of so-called 'protection' from my mind, which I'd thought of as insight.
I should stress that my current psychologist works along similar lines to Gilbert: I'm being prompted in the same direction from two separate sources. It's a direction I have always wanted to travel; at present I'm having to trust the sources as I cannot predict what changes will happen in my mind. I know these are changes I want, though. And if I choose not to make them, or am scared to, I won't. Gah.
Anyway ... In this Step 4, I ought to look at how need has defined my relationships. I think it has pretty much defined them all! I recall very few that were defined, instead, by simple enhancement on both sides. I'm sorry to say that those - the simply-enhancing relationships - are ones I thought of as shallow. And pulled away from. The ones I experienced as more meaningful were the ones where I was used, harshly. Or else they were with co-dependents, who ended up giving me too much and now I feel guilty. It's tough.
I'm beginning to see, too, how I'm addicted to DRAMA. Not just in the theatrical sense (I am!), but in wanting every aspect of my life to be a roller-coaster adventure. It explains my career choices, my relationship choices and even why took so many drugs at the appropriate age. I find this very thought terrifying. There's nothing wrong with wanting an adventurous life - but not at the cost of real love; secure friendship; real fulfilment. I realise that I 'chose' (in a roundabout way) my present isolation: not because I wanted to be isolated - I don't! - but in an attempt to go 'cold turkey' on my unhealthy involvements. That in itself was - unconsciously - a DRAMATIC effort. Bugger.
Meanwhile, I spend hours & hours, which should be spent working for myself, here - reading other people's dramas. I still drink a little bit too much (it lets me feel 'special') and smoke a lot of fags - these days, smoking is a dramatic statement.
So I've typed half a page and am still only a tiny bit further on with my Step 4. I promise to headline them all, then you'll know to skip over what you don't want!