Co-Dependant No More

[MrsForgetful]

Hmmm....How to start this thread????

I am a fixer. I like to make sure everyone is happy- and feel responisble for everything. I feel ok when in control- and guilty if i do anything for myself...there is more...but that will do for now.

So, I was told about CO-DEPENDANCY...and having googled it...am now working on improving my life by being 'Co Dependant No More'

Anyone care to join me on my journey????

Morning, I'm here at work reading, no time to say much. Thx for replies to my post.

Am going to nick Chaz goal for the day!

Am also going to nick Grace's Brazil! - lived there a year, one of best years of my life, a year of joy and self worth, am going to try and remember it all day today

Good morning one and all!

Chaz, I agree with you - but I'm not responding to everyone individually either

The List:

1)Mama Mia; The Holiday
2)You Give Me Something (James Morrison)
3)Daisy
4)Summer
5)Steak; fish; chocolate
6)Lilac
7)Fresh cut grass; garlic and onions frying in olive oil
8)Koala; wombat
9)"This Too Will Pass"
10)Hong Kong and Singapore

We're attending family therapy at the moment to address DS's anger ishoos. I've said to the therapist that I'm a "fixer" and I've got to the stage where I can't fix it and I need help to do that. She's of the opinion that DS should take responsibility for dealing with the anger before the level gets too high - which is nice, it takes some pressure off of me....

It's a magical country in more ways than one, isn't it, WOP? Lovely memories

Thanks, everybody, for your updates! I'm also hoping to use the thread as a kind of journal - and resolving to offer only minimal feedback (this is going to be the strangest thread in Relationships ...)

I finally found Melody Beattie's 12 Steps for co-dependents; web version here. I'm comfortable, if that's the right word, with doing things this way because of having already been through a 12-step programme. You never "finish" the steps, what with life being an ongoing process and all. I'm heading for a rather lengthy Four - arguably the most challenging step - so would just like to warn you all I have quite a bit of in-depth personal stuff to handle here! No responses required of course, but I have decided to do my work in public because the sharing aspect of the programme is important.

Oooh, and guess what? I got up early and am working!!

Typo. Step Four

Spoke too soon The rest of my day turned into one long, self-defeating, backslide. Maybe I depressed myself with my Step 4 reflections ... now, that's NOT the idea!

Hope everybody else is doing better.
How was Mummy, Mrs.F?

Grace its a learning experience for us all.
Changing habits and patterns takes time and
is not a smooth process.
In life and in my job I often find that I learn
more when things go wrong than when they go
right.
If you take some lessons from today then it
it becomes part of your progress forwards.
Remember - tomorrow is another day

Grace its a learning experience for us all.
Changing habits and patterns takes time and
is not a smooth process.
In life and in my job I often find that I learn
more when things go wrong than when they go
right.
If you take some lessons from today then it
it becomes part of your progress forwards.
Remember - tomorrow is another day

Ha!random double post. Even technology has bad days.

random double grin

My goal for the day, then: Clear up the house some more - and feel good about it.

Think I'm going to use my SAD lamp. I've not been switching it on because of the electricity (mine's metered, and I'm broke). But yesterday was a reminder of how horrible my depression can be - and the lamp helps! It might be better to feel even colder, but less depressed ... Ho, hum.

Rio de Janeiro, Hong Kong & Singapore - it's beginning to look as if we have another thing in common: a love of tropical climates! I've only spent a week in Singapore, but adored it despite my moral outrage at the way it's run. Friend tell me I'd enjoy Hong Kong as well; I believe them

Have tried reading some of links, can't seem to get my head round them - feel like a dog chasing it's tail and ending up with it's head up it's own backside.

Anyway, today the house is a mess and I left it and did something for myself first. Will tidy up later when I get all MY stuff out the way. That's my goal for today (now how to get rid of that nagging feeling of guilt is the next step)

Know what you mean about the circular dog, WOP!

Yes, doing YOUR stuff is more important
And housework is not a moral issue.

i'm feeling a bit down too.

i think i covered too much ground...too quickly...and have not given myself time to adjust to each step.

my visit with my mum was very good. she was very interested in the co-dependancy stuff... and listened to the 20 minute CD i'd made her whilst she knitted and i got our lunch. I did not expect that!

however, this morning i just wanted to hibernate again. so after the kids went to school i laid on the sofa and slept.but at least this time its not because something has happened to me externally that i've let affect me internally...we've had a peaceful week- and a few laughs along the way.

I got dressed at 1 and got on and sorted all the kids clothes into piles ready to be put away tomorrow. And i did feel the cloud lifting as i did this.

(i'm not looking forward to tomorrow as saturday was h's worst 'wandering off' day...and i feel sick when he's watcinh the football on tv and every advert break theres a bloody 'bet365' advert... i wish they'd ban betting adverts.)

so, tomorrow.......

MANTRA/THOUGHT: I must NOT look for PROBLEMS
ACTIVITY: Gather together some of my card making/craft hoard. I have a cupboard 8ft tall x3ft wide x3ft deep...where our old back door was... absolutely crammed full top to bottom ...and for the past 2 years i have not felt i had the time to do any crafting...i now realise that was the codependant behaviours..my pychologist was always telling me to 'do something for myself') So i thought i'd get the lovely craft bag i bought (and have not used) and fill it with a selection of card/paper/ribbon etc ...and actually sit down and make a card.
( i have planned this before... but that was before ...this is NOW)

That's all so cool

No wonder you were tired, it sounds like you've been through a bit of a breakthrough moment. Nice one.

I bet your card'll be lovely!

random question...maybe relevant?

Do any of you have very vivid dreams or nightmares?

I have a ceratin few 'dreams/nightmares' that follow the same theme- my fear of being abandomed, and being so chaotic/out of CONTROL that I am late/not ready for work/bus or return flight from holiday.

so a couple of years ago a psychiatrist i saw suggested i 'change the DVD' when i sleep- so that i 'Dream a different dream'

and a couple of nights ago i managed it!

I had a bully-boss 20 years ago- and i finally got a transfer to another shop- but she stirred up lots of trouble for me- making the transition ver hard. However - i survived.
but there is no doubt she had a bad affect on me. For years my confidence was low due to her...or at least i blamed her...but now, i don't cosciously think of her much- but she 'visits me in my dreams'

so...the dream....

I was at that shop, and i walked up to her and gave her my shop/safe keys...and confidently told her i was leaving.(instead of when i actually left- i posted the keys through the letter box)

i want to slightly tweak this dream a little more.... I want to tell her how great my life became once i left that shop. I want to tell her she has not had a lasting effect...and then wake up and believe it...and then never have a dream about her again.

Excellent! Good for you!

I rarely tell people about 'dream control' because most folks think dreams just happen and I must be weird (haha, as if!!) ... I read about it in a book, ages ago, and since then all my dreams have happy endings

Glad you mentioned it just now, though, Mrs.F. I'd been thinking I should plot some new dreams for myself, to help me get back my 'internal locus of control' and start making the most of my life (I did say start!) It's been so long since I've done it, I've lost the knack - and my dreams are mostly things happening to me. Time I made them happen instead. Cheers for the reminder!

Synchronicity

just been out and stuck some HUGE metalic SMILEY FACES on my wheelie bin & recycling boxes.

so now have my cheerful window box AND cheerful wheely bins...what more could a girl want?

How mad & fab!
Did you make them?

Last night I had the 'opportunity' to discover I really have come a long way. I rang a client who hasn't paid his bill - and has lied, twice, about sending it. He went absolutely ballistic at me, even saying he "didn't appreciate the guilt trip I was putting on him" (er, he is guilty?!) and eventually snarling that he "couldn't be arsed" with my "piddling invoice".

Obviously I'm going to have to write him off. He's history and so is his website, unfortunately - I consider it one of my best. It's rotten news for me, as I needed his fee to pay my phone bill! But ... On reviewing how to handle the situation, I realised there is no way to handle it. He's not gonna pay. My phone might get cut off. He was downright abusive. A few years ago, I would have been agonising over how I'd made him so angry - I didn't; he's angry because his business is going down the pan. I would have tried a hundred more ways to get him back on side - he's not worth the effort.

An expensive lesson, and a sad one. But very worthwhile!

no- i didn't make them...i bought them for a £1 last week! (I think they are for cars...but as always... I am very resourceful...and instantly 'saw' them on our bins!

SOMETHING ia am ALWAYS good at!!!!! I am creative and RESOURCEFUL...that has to be a good outcome of the 'deprived' childhood...you become resourceful to initially 'make do'... i remember ripping out the plain white pages of reading books cos my mum refused to buy me a drawing pad- as she said i was 'wasting' the drawing paper i had.
I also used an old 'twintub' worktop to make a desk (balancing it on books)

but i can honestly say...being resourceful is a quality i am proud of- and don't feel smug admitting it!!!

wow!

I can brag! I'm not running myself down ! I am telling the WWW that i am GOOD at something!!!!

OK...i have just joined 'Crafters Companion'... to have somewhere to go to motivate me to make my cards! They have monthly challenges and card-swaps.

(baby steps....onwards and upwards....)

still haven't sorted out some craft materials though...maybe tomorrow???

Baby steps here too. Let DS1 (6 yrs) make his own bf. Practically had to sit on my hands not to "assist"

Today he made bfast for the whole family.
Can't remember the last time someone made me bfast at home.

Did a family Valentine's as not ready to do one for DH but didn't want to turn it into a pointed
statement.

It is good to do things to boost your self-esteem. A year ago, I started a computing course, which I am nearly at the end of, and it has helped me to feel that I can achieve something in my own right, independently.

Had a very bad day Saturday. In the morning decided to stand back and see if DH got DD ready for going out with friend. He didn't do anything until last minute (I told him just before they arrived) resulting in chaos and possibly offending DD's friend's mum.(Looked very glum). Then got mixed up in my head with the codependents stuff and Aspergers stuff, was horrible to DH, felt guilty, so just gave the whole thing a rest.

Sunday OTH was lovely, day out with a friend where I managed to fight the impulse to always defer to what she wanted to do and bloody well enjoyed myself!

My experience, as a co-dependent, is my H will put all the responsibility of stuff onto me, and has often just stood back anyway on numerous occasions and watched me struggle (wont go into details as I will start getting very resentful!!!) But, you do end up thinking all the time about what will suit other people ever before what will suit you best or be most convenient for yourself. I have had to start thinking more like my H and learning from his behaviour of being, in a way, more selfish.

My selifishness is, I must add, not a harmful selfishness as his has been.

But if you think of yourself first some of the time it will help you.

Got really upset the other day as I felt DH had really violated some of my boundaries.

When I sat down and thought about it I realised that I wasn't really sure where my boundaries were (other than I didn't like what DH had done). So worked out what my boundaries were in relation to this specific issue.

I researched boundary setting on the internet as I am rather out of practice.
1.Describe the behaviour you do not like / accept in clear specific non judgmental terms
e.g when you speak over me when I am talking

1. Say how you feel (not "you make me..."

e.g. I feel ignored and that my opinion is not being respected

1. Set your boundary and spell out consequences

e.g. if you talk over me when I am speaking I will challenge your behaviour and request that you stop. If you will not stop I will walk away from you.

I tried this approach with DH on some boundary issues (not the examples above). I was really worried and scared. He got a bit wound up but I stayed calm and neutral and non-judgmental. I pointed out to him that I didn't expect him to read my mind, if I don't tell him what I find acceptable then misunderstandings are going to occur. I then carried on as normal. I didn't repeat it, I didn't ask him to respond etc.

Its his choice how he responds but I feel really proud of myself.

Quote of the day
"You always have a choice - you may not like the choices you have but you always have a choice"