he's left me

[fallingtopieces]

namechanger here, lavenderrr, glass plates, red rug, judge flounce etc etc

my dp of 5 years left me today.
Things had been a bit iffy for 2-3 months, not communicating, taking each other for granted etc. I've not had much of a sex drive for a long time so that had kind of been crap too.. maybe once a month or so but I spent three weeks in hospital for an illness and now I have energy, am healthy, our sex life has been fantastic etc etc

About 3 weeks ago he was very down and told me he needed some time out alone to think things over and that he would stay at his parents. he never went and things would improve for a few days and then he'd get down and moody again. He was going to stay the odd night at his parents and seemed to come back rejuvenated from that.

On Monday, something made me look at his pc history and I saw he'd been looking at a woman on facebook a lot, a bit more digging and I discovered that rather than being at his parents he was staying nights with her.

I confrtonted him and he said that he had ended it with her and realised it was me he wanted all along and that we could fix things etc etc. I agreed to this because I can see that I have some responsibility for our problems too and I love him.

So this week has been difficult, I've been hurt and angry and he's been very sorry and reassured me that he loves me, even talked about our getting married and stuff like that.

then last night she sent him a long email saying she'd fallen for him and all kinds of stuff including that she knew they had no future because he kept talking and thinking about me, and since then he turned very hostile to me and is dragging up arguments and rows from years and years ago and trying to make it all my fault.

He went to work this morning still saying he loves me and wants us to work things out and then he came home and hour ago, packed a bag and left, saying that he's going to stay at his parents to think things ovre - that he needs time alone and won't be seeing her either and will call me from there to prove it, but I saw a message from him to her that he's going to meet her.

She works at the same place as him, although in a different building.

he said that if I make any kind of contact with him then I will never see or hear from again.

I don't know what to do now. My heart is thumping, I cant stop shaking, I feel sick and almost like someone's died.

In my experience, trust, once broken - can never be rebuilt to a level which would equal a healthy relationship. Once I doubted, I always doubted, whether I had reason to or not at the time. After waiting for 5 years for that doubt to go away - it never did.

That's just me though. I'm not very forgiving some people are able to get over such betrayals. However I have always wondered whether people truly do get over them, or just pretend to, rather than deal with the life they would have should they choose not to.

2 bad months in 5 years is 2 months too many for me

Good luck with it all, ftp. Just an fyi. I have a blackberry and I have added 4 different email accounts to it, very, very easily. And I added the over time, so not all when I first got the blackberry iyswim. I get all my messages from all of my accounts as soon as they are sent no problems at all.

It's dead easy to set up a new email account. And dead easy to add it to your blackberry. Also easy to not be alerted with a sound or light when the email from a certain account gets a new message.

This thread should be saved as a prime example that we women, are not just our own downfall, but our own worst enemies too.

How can we expect love and respect, when we dont think we deserve it, and act like we dont deserve love and respect.

We might as well put a stamp on our forheads saying "treat me like shit and I will love you in equal measure".

That's useful to know star, I'll have to have a fiddle and see how to do it.

Quint, thank you for being so brutally honest with me, you may be right in what you say, but there's a small chance you may be wrong, and that's the chance I'm willing to take for now.

Do you have the same opinion of WWIFN and other women who've managed to successfully repair their marriages after affairs?

I havent read their threads in detail, but I think that you should not automatically think that because it worked out for them, it will for you, too. Especially not as you seem to be warming up to your partner so quickly and soon after his betrayal. The fact that you want to date him, is all that he needs to know. You and him are already back together. In his mind. And within a couple of weeks. And, his betrayal is your focal point, in that a whole big deal is made from you checking up on him, he must be ravelling in the attention. I am sorry, but to me, it seems more like he is rubbing your nose in what he did, rather than a whole lot of real remorse.

But, time will tell, and I wish you the best. I truly HOPE I am wrong. And I hope to see you back here one day saying "look quint, you were SO wrong, me and dh are stronger than we have ever been, and we have put this past us and rebuilt our relationship, through mutual respect, love and understanding. " I really hope that for you. Because I have felt for you throughout this thread. Best of luck to you. You are truly a remarkable woman, at least in your trustful nature and your willingnes to try. You are a better woman than I would ever be, in that respect.

FTP, as you know (especially as you've suggested me as an example) I do believe that couples can rebuild after an affair, but as you also know, I believe it depends on the character of the person who was unfaithful.

Your DP and my DH seem worlds apart in terms of their basic character - and both behaved completely differently post-discovery.

I wish you luck and hope you're right, but I can't help feeling that there is too much wrong with your DP's character - and your self-esteem - for this to work. Sorry.

Hi FTP, just read your latest updates.

You are doing exactly as I would do I think in the same circumstances. (Not sure whether that is a good thing or not!).

In your situation I would find it hard to trust again, but equally I have always felt that I could move forward and put it all behind me if XP could have said sorry and moved on. I am, maybe foolishly, someone who believes that things can be stronger after an affair if you can become closer and communicate better together than pre-affair.

What I would say though, is that you have been hurt deeply and that you need to protect yourself from more trauma. So, be strong, be really careful and don't jump in until you're really really sure x

You can also hide the accounts in folders so they don't show up on the main menu on blackberry screen so they aren't obvious. and you can change the icons...etc. I'm not saying he has secret email accounts... just saying it IS possible for him to do it without you knowing.
So that's a false sense of security really
But I do hope it works out for you and that he is being genuinely remorseful You sound like you're being careful.

Thanks everyone,

I agree that he behaved abominably but this behaviour was very out of character for him, he's always been a very decent, honest, honourable person til now. That's why I'm willing to give things a chance.

We're not 'dating' as such, that's my fault for using the wrong word, more that we're having meetings to discuss things and see where we can go from here, I agree that the likelihood of things working out is very small but I feel that I have to give it a shot, so that in future there won't be that feeling of what if... I won't have to wonder if it could have worked because I'll have tried it and I'll know.

Oddly enough, my self esteem and confidence is higher now than it was before.. I think those few weeks on my own did me some good. I know that I can made a decent life for myself without a man in it and I know I'm capable of a lot more than I gave myself credit for.

I know I'm ok, whatever happens and I won't allow myself to be made a fool of twice

Glad to hear it ftp

FTP, I always admire posters who update, even if the decisions they have made go against the advice given. Thank you for doing that, I know that's not always easy.

Good luck to you - I'm glad your esteem is stronger. If you do decide to give him another chance, hopefully you are now armed with the conviction that the first step to forgiveness is the work he must do on himself.

all the very best of luck to you, ftp

I think you are a strong woman...I have certainly seen you kick-ass on other threads

am worried you are not as strong as you think you are though, where your relationship with this man is concerned

you have been single before, keep it at the forefront of your mind that you could do it again (and make sure he is fully aware of it)

at the moment, he is still calling all the shots, even abject hang-dog behaviour and tearful apologies is still being in control, because it is controlling you

he seems to have no shame, and that concerns me, that he would, and has, used every trick in the book to get his own way

remember all these things and keep posting, lovey, like wwifn said, it takes a brave person to go against the majority of us witches MN'ers and not slink off never to be seen again...

But I get where you are at ftp. I had been with my h 18 years when he cheated on me (married 8). It's not an easy decision whatever you decide. Ikwym when you say you have to give it a shot so that you don't have regrets later.

Thanks all of you

I'm glad some of you understand where I'm coming from about the giving it a try... I will keep posting as I've found your input incredibly valuable and hope you all won't write me off as a gullible fool.

After all, at some point someone is going to get the opportunity to say 'I told you so' and I won't deny any of us that

I promised I wouldn't deprive you of the chance to say I told you so

He left last night to go to her.

His loss love. Hope you are ok.

It doesn't mean you were wrong to try.

So sorry it turned out like this

You had to try.

Tell your people in RL so they can offer some help, and of course we will be here on MN.

You have been through this bit before, so you have that experience under your belt at least.

I should think you havent heard the last of him yet...have you got his excuse stuff at yours?
bag it up, get rid.

Ahhhh bless you. well at least you know sooner rather than later. what a wanker.
did he go because of a row or just changed his mind?
I was following thread before as daisymoomin, have name changed for other thread.

Nobody is saying I told you so. You tried - you can't do anymore than that. Draw some strength from here today - you can get through this and we'll help you. x

She kept messaging him and getting her friends to tell him how badly she was suffering etc laying on the guilt and like a muppet he emailed her to check she was ok, then followed a day long texting session.

I made him delete her number on thurs and all messages/contact details etc and siad if there was one more message from him to her then it was over and he has to go.

He messaged her yesterday.

all his stuff is packed up in boxes, just needs to be collected

What a tosser. sounds like he enjoys being wanted, wait till he's bored of that one and he'll start texting you again. men like that usually end up alone, what goes around comes around. use your anger to make a life without him and find someone who you deserve.

So sorry FTP. You are a brave and courageous lady for updating like this. Because of that honesty, you will be just fine you know. I bet you are a wonderful friend.

No more chances for him now, promise?

Nobody will say I told you so. You did a very brave thing, giving him another chance. And also coming back to update everybody.

You know now, although I'm sure that deep down you knew before yesterday, that he isn't worth an ounce of you and your love.

You're going to be absolutely fine. Stay strong, stay away from him and his games, and be happy