he's left me

[fallingtopieces]

namechanger here, lavenderrr, glass plates, red rug, judge flounce etc etc

my dp of 5 years left me today.
Things had been a bit iffy for 2-3 months, not communicating, taking each other for granted etc. I've not had much of a sex drive for a long time so that had kind of been crap too.. maybe once a month or so but I spent three weeks in hospital for an illness and now I have energy, am healthy, our sex life has been fantastic etc etc

About 3 weeks ago he was very down and told me he needed some time out alone to think things over and that he would stay at his parents. he never went and things would improve for a few days and then he'd get down and moody again. He was going to stay the odd night at his parents and seemed to come back rejuvenated from that.

On Monday, something made me look at his pc history and I saw he'd been looking at a woman on facebook a lot, a bit more digging and I discovered that rather than being at his parents he was staying nights with her.

I confrtonted him and he said that he had ended it with her and realised it was me he wanted all along and that we could fix things etc etc. I agreed to this because I can see that I have some responsibility for our problems too and I love him.

So this week has been difficult, I've been hurt and angry and he's been very sorry and reassured me that he loves me, even talked about our getting married and stuff like that.

then last night she sent him a long email saying she'd fallen for him and all kinds of stuff including that she knew they had no future because he kept talking and thinking about me, and since then he turned very hostile to me and is dragging up arguments and rows from years and years ago and trying to make it all my fault.

He went to work this morning still saying he loves me and wants us to work things out and then he came home and hour ago, packed a bag and left, saying that he's going to stay at his parents to think things ovre - that he needs time alone and won't be seeing her either and will call me from there to prove it, but I saw a message from him to her that he's going to meet her.

She works at the same place as him, although in a different building.

he said that if I make any kind of contact with him then I will never see or hear from again.

I don't know what to do now. My heart is thumping, I cant stop shaking, I feel sick and almost like someone's died.

Thanks Karmann

I think what's baffling me really is how it could all change in just a few weeks, how can someone go from 'soulmate' for want of a better word, to stranger, so quickly?

I don't know. It's such a confusing time. I have one of those men who can compartmentalise their lives. Nothing changed at home and our life was still good. That's probably why it all hurt so much. Maybe yours wasn't able to be so devious.

No, he wasn't very good at covering his tracks at all. Once I picked up one clue they all appeared. It's all just so hard to comprehend. I feel like I've lost an arm or a leg or something. There's a big gap on the sofa and in the bed.. it's horrible. I keep reaching out but there's no one there

Sitting room is all done bar the glossing

A friend's brother is a decorator and he's going to come and do the bedroom for me, hopefully this week cos there's no way I can reach the ceilings up there, they go up into the roof, lol

My h is like Karmann's xh. He completely compartmentalised his life. Everything seemed fine between us. He still played the happy, devoted h but was shagging a work colleague for over a year, had joined dating sites (though afaik did not meet anyone in RL)and was using internet porn. It was like my real dh had been taken over by an imposter.

why do they do it??

LL just picked up on your last post and have read some of this thread. I am posting on another at the moment.
How do men do that? How can they box everything in its own compartment. My H now lives with OW who he works with. He has been seeing her for 3+ years and has been 'friends/colleagues' for 10 years. I had no idea until October. He carried on a loving, caring, very sexual relationship with me all along. I never guessed.
He says he could partition me, her and his job and they never encroached on one another. How??

sigh he's still at it, can't live without me etc etc etc

I'm ignoring.

On a positive note, I'm going for a drink with a very nice man later!!

Pity he did not think about that before he started two-timing you and treating you like dirt.

Have a good one later!

oooo, how nice ftp

fill us in

btw, continue to ignore that sad loser husband of yours

ohhh we need details of " very nice man " (im nosey)
yes ignore the two timing rat ,

very nice man is an old school friend, but we've kept in touch a bit via facebook after meeting at a reunion last year.

Anyway, he rang me last night and really made me giggle lots on the phone so he suggested a drink and proper chat tonight

Nice ego boost is all but just what I need I think

FTP, having re-read some of the more recent posts, I think another poster may have advised you to read my take on affairs. Please do that if you think it might help.

And like others have said on your thread, trust your memories. It frustrates me terribly that the "old" beliefs about cause and effect are held up as absolutes - often by people who have never been in this situation. I've written recently about the damage caused by relationship therapists who repeat this mantra that the problems in the relationship caused the infidelity - rather than what is increasingly the case, it is the infidelity that causes "problems in the relationship".

Now I don't know your situation, you say in your OP that things had been "iffy" for 2-3 months and that your sex drive took a nosedive for a long time, perhaps because you were ill. But that since you became well, things had returned to happy times, evidenced by a fulfilling sex life.

It all depends when this relationship with OW started - and I include that pre-infidelity period when they were "just friends". If that relationship started only recently - and after you got your mojo back, then unhappiness did not cause the infidelity. If it started however when things were on a down phase in your relationship, there might be more substance to the unhappiness first, infidelity second argument.

However, the only reason I'm even asking you to question this is because I don't want you to believe something that isn't true.

And it matters not - what ever the circumstances, whether he was unhappy or not, infidelity is never justifiable.

I have written much recently about the problem lying with the infidel, in terms of their character, their personality and their responses to situations. More than most, given the extremely narcissistic behaviour we can all see in your DP on this thread - this is about him. This man has many, many character faults - and this has no doubt come as a terrible shock, because you might never have thought of him in this way.

But you know, there will have been red flags during the course of your relationship that you might have ignored - his attitude to women being the most significant of all, perhaps. At some stage in your grief [for it is like a bereavement) you might recall such instances.

I think you were directed to posts I've made about the steps a recovering infidel - and later couple - should take in rebuilding the relationship. However in this case, your DP would have to do so much work reforming his character that I'm not sure recovery is possible, in terms of your relationship. If he does some work on himself (quite a lot of work, actually) then he might emerge a better person for his future relationships, but by that time, I hope you will have found someone who doesn't need this much work.

Keep strong - don't waver. Your feelings of grief and loss are understandable, as long as they don't let you weaken that resolve.

Thank you wwifn

I've been reading your posts most of the afternoon and what a wise woman you are! I've still got lots to read but you've definitely helped me put things in perspective.

Well, very nice man turned out to be lovely! Great fun, lots of giggles, compassion and kindness. He had seen the pictures of me and xp together on fb and kept saying I should give it another shot, I said no and explained why but he said that there's a lost look in my eyes that wasn't there before. I kept insisiting that no, there is no coming back from this.

Anyway, mucho vodka later, came time to pounce, and as much as I really wanted to have a bit of a kiss and a cuddle I just couldn't. VNM was even nicer at that point, said he was proud of me but that I really need to speak to xp, that even in photos it was evident that we'd had something special, at that moment xp sent a message, and VNM took my phone, pretended to be me and told him that he needs to meet me somewhere neutral so we can thrash it all out :/

VNM then left and I've not looked at my phone since. Gahhhhh!!!!!!!!

ftp you've done so well so far. this guy doesn't seem to respect or love you at all... you can't meet him. seriously love, he'll destroy you.

something special can't be reduced to "you're making me choose" and "how can you do this to me after all these years"... you're not his mum. it was his choice. totally his choice.

please chick, don't give in. And VNM might have thought he was doing the right thing, but he really overstepped the mark.

re-read this thread and see what you've achieved so far (apart from the painting!)... you have taken back control. don't let him think he has a way back in...

You're right Katie. He's been asking to talk this morning and I said no.

wwifn - I would say the issues in our own relationship started around late oct/early november, I had no energy, no interest in anything, slept a lot etc, then in the middle I was carted off to hospital for 3 and a half weeks. They sorted me out and by early january I was fine and rampant and we were getting on better again, going out more etc etc etc.

From what I can gather, the flirting with this woman started about a week before xmas, then he had nearly 2 weeks off for the holidays and it resumed when they went back. From what I can see on the phone bill, he got her number on the 11th Jan, and it went from there. He says he got hooked on the adrenalin rush, the flattery, the ego boosting she gave him. He claims he told her he was in a relationship but she said she didn't care, she wanted him anyway and pursued him. She would even bring him a packed lunch each day and talk about what beautiful babies he would make.

Around this time he started to become distant with me, commenting on how I eat (I can only eat a tiny bit at a time) saying that he didn't know what he wanted anymore, that he needed time alone, and rather than visiting his parents once a month (they live far so he'd go for the weekend) he started going every weekend and not coming back til Monday rather than sunday as previously, supposedly to give himself thinking time, but in fact he was with her. The first time they spent a night together was 26th Jan but he has stayed at her place since, although I believe he is with his parents now. There have been very few texts between he and her this last few days which either means he is with her or it is over between them.

Having read a lot of the affair threads, his behaviour has been classic hasn't it?

i dont know what so say, this is unfamiliar territory for me, but from what ive read on mumsnet, it is classic affair behaviour.

he hasnt even humbled himself which i find worrying. in your first paragraph, you describe the situation in the run up to the affair. so, for 8 weeks you were ill, and in that time he started an affair. 8 weeks when you were low and needed him.

he didnt know what he wanted, but now he does?

do you want him back?

Hey Falling, thanks for pointing me towards this thread. It is so scary how similar things are between us. Do you have any dcs?
Where about are you?
What has kept me going is staying busy, always finding something to do. I got some nice new candles for the house to change the scent. That has really helped to be honest. Whenever i come in the door i smell the new smell and it reminds me of a new beginning iykwim?
Don't listen to his beggings, he will. Because of the change that he has made. Men are simple. My x told me last night that he wanted me back because he realizes he made a mistake and i am too good for him, Yes that is right, i am. So are you. Way too good.

Now does this nice man of yours have any nice friends?

Hey XB does this mean your wedding is till on?

"Nice man"? Bloody control freak if you ask me. Deciding to answer someone's phone for her, interfering in her (ex) relationship with someone he doesn't even know (seeing him on Facebook doesn't count!), is high-handed in the extreme. That would be the last time I had a cosy drink with such a rude beggar. Who does he think he is, or just as much to the point, who/what does he think she is? Sorry, maybe I'm being a bit radical, I am fussy about my personal space, but that would make me REALLY cross.

As for the ex, the main thing that's astonished me in this thread is how quickly he shifts from one mode to another. He will text to say he wants FTP less than 12 hours after shagging OW. Then he doesn't know what he wants again, for which read he's back in OW's flat, then pretty much as soon as she's left for work he starts missing FTP again... he's a human yo-yo. Some people go through this over a few months, he crams the same vacillation into a couple of days. Possibly sign of a mental illness, who knows, but unless and until he gets some proper help for it instead of hiding in women's bedrooms he will never get better and he sure as hell won't be a fit partner for anyone outside an asylum.

Sorry i just read that she had a date with a nice man.. i'm sure i did? Sorry if i got the wrong end of the stick.

No no my wedding isn't back on, not even close. I can't even bare to look at the man, never mind marry him.

Ok read up a bit, i missed the last post. Not such a nice man, he can keep his friends! Sorry bout the confusion.

Falling - you will perhaps have read that good people in happy relationships are having affairs - and that is perfectly true. Shirley Glass in her book "Not Just Friends" [have you read it?) discussed the "new" fidelity crisis of usually work friendships crossing a line, without the friends (especially the male) even realising that's what's happening. However, these are usually slow-burning friendships, about which the participants feel no panic because after all "they are just friends".

This is a world away from your DP, who fairly quickly it seems, went from being a faithful DP to an unfaithful deceiver with a mother complex, a huge sense of entitlement, a dislike of women evidenced by his acceptance of his friend calling OW a "ho", and ridiculously cruel, abusive behaviour on discovery.

Most of the people in Glass's scenario tell no-one about their infidelity - and if they do confide in a friend, they express turmoil and guilt - not a giggly, "yes things are really heating up with OW now!" exchange with a man who has just called the affair partner a "ho".

I'm trying to imagine how you must be feeling this afternoon, when you've had a similar reaction from MNetters to this very dubious male friend, who stepped way over the line in terms of what is acceptable behaviour. You might be feeling that perhaps you aren't such a good judge of character to have allowed either man headspace.

So this is maybe where there is an area of growth for you. Perhaps try some solo counselling to reframe what your boundaries are, in terms of the people you form relationships with - and why you perhaps don't have the same antennae or reactions to people that others do. We could speculate forever about this being rooted in your self-esteem - and it might be worth asking someone who really does have your best interests at heart and loves you unconditionally, what they think.

Avoid the trap also of thinking that none of this would have happened to you if an unscrupulous woman hadn't targetted your DP. It's perfectly acceptable to blame her for what is shitty behaviour, but as long as you are reserving most of the blame for your DP.

annie psml at "hiding in womens bedrooms"

LL, are you stalking me again? ^^

Annie Fraid so