he's left me

[fallingtopieces]

namechanger here, lavenderrr, glass plates, red rug, judge flounce etc etc

my dp of 5 years left me today.
Things had been a bit iffy for 2-3 months, not communicating, taking each other for granted etc. I've not had much of a sex drive for a long time so that had kind of been crap too.. maybe once a month or so but I spent three weeks in hospital for an illness and now I have energy, am healthy, our sex life has been fantastic etc etc

About 3 weeks ago he was very down and told me he needed some time out alone to think things over and that he would stay at his parents. he never went and things would improve for a few days and then he'd get down and moody again. He was going to stay the odd night at his parents and seemed to come back rejuvenated from that.

On Monday, something made me look at his pc history and I saw he'd been looking at a woman on facebook a lot, a bit more digging and I discovered that rather than being at his parents he was staying nights with her.

I confrtonted him and he said that he had ended it with her and realised it was me he wanted all along and that we could fix things etc etc. I agreed to this because I can see that I have some responsibility for our problems too and I love him.

So this week has been difficult, I've been hurt and angry and he's been very sorry and reassured me that he loves me, even talked about our getting married and stuff like that.

then last night she sent him a long email saying she'd fallen for him and all kinds of stuff including that she knew they had no future because he kept talking and thinking about me, and since then he turned very hostile to me and is dragging up arguments and rows from years and years ago and trying to make it all my fault.

He went to work this morning still saying he loves me and wants us to work things out and then he came home and hour ago, packed a bag and left, saying that he's going to stay at his parents to think things ovre - that he needs time alone and won't be seeing her either and will call me from there to prove it, but I saw a message from him to her that he's going to meet her.

She works at the same place as him, although in a different building.

he said that if I make any kind of contact with him then I will never see or hear from again.

I don't know what to do now. My heart is thumping, I cant stop shaking, I feel sick and almost like someone's died.

hi xb2b, sorry to hear things haven't improved at your end either. We didn't have children together thankfully and I'm in London. My email address is further upthread if you'd like to keep in touch that way

Date was a nice man, I think cos I'd known him when we were kids and seen him a few months ago in happier times, he was a bit 'over helpful' and it backfired. I also think it was a bit too soon for me to be having dates. Nice ego boost tho

wwifn, you're right, I do need to look at myself and what sort of people I seem to attract. I do know that generally I'm a people pleaser, not good at saying no and not very assertive, definitely somethinig I need to address.

I've not read any of the books yet.. wasn't sure there was much point if we weren't going to get back together, but I have read some websites that others have posted and some of them are quite helpful now that I'm not feeling so raw. I will order the shirley glass book tomorrow I think.

on a +ve note, I've dropped a dress size and raided ikea today, lots of new living room and bedroom furniture. the decorator is coming to start the bedroom on thursday and said it would take 2 days so I'll have a new bedroom by the weekend

devastated - sorry to hear you are going through something similar. I don't know how they do it but I think men are more capable of it than women.

ftp you seem pretty bright and self-aware. I'm thinking that this whole experience may toughen you up a bit - which is a good thing as it will protect you a bit more in future relationships. That said.....what you have been through is shitty and I would not wish it on an anyone. Glad you are getting your place decorated. Fresh start

I know

my browser keeps changing it back and then I forget to check. Have reported it but it's probably pointless really, the job is done, lol.

you have nothing to hide anyways, love

trouble is he knows my posting name, that's what bothers me more than anything :/

reported myself too

don't worry, my names on it anyway now innit

bastard has been playing with my head again. more fool me for letting him

what ?

the usual, he loves me, made a terrible mistake, blah blah blah. so I said ok, lets go for a drink and talk and he backed right off!

I'm soo angry at myself

ah, he wrong-footed you

it happens

get over it, don't make the same mistake again

why are you having these kinds of conversation with him, btw ? You are offering yourself up on a platter to be manipulated

do you want to give him another chance, ftp ?

I don't normally engage with him at all. He sends me blackberry messages all the time and I just ignore.

don't know why I bloody answered tonight

back to default position, love

you are still strong, nothing has changed

I just feel like a bloody prat now.

arrggh he's a cunt.. I'm sooo angry at myself

look, ftp, it isn't a competition to see who can be the hardest-assed between you two

you had a moment of weakness... a moment

it soon passed...am sure there will be more

but keep in the front of your mind what you want

his pathetic bleatings should not influence you, he is wanting you back because he realises how strong you are

you still are

I know you're right, but I'm angry at myself for giving him the satisfaction of a respnse at all, you know?

I know

but move on

if you continue beating yourself up about it, then he gets even more satisfaction...

Thanks AF.. I'm glad you were here.

I can't bloody sleep now

I was left, with baby two weeks ago - mainly due to something like this. It's crap!

The hardest thing is to not contact them, but I'm really trying. I leave it a few days and my ex texts me saying he loves me. I think one of his fb women let him down that night, because the next few days no communication and he's all cold again. I'm learning. So, about you... it's really hard, but act with dignity. Let him go and sort out his head. Tell him - just once - how you feel about him, what you want, and that you will now leave him to sort things out. And let him. Send your texts to drafts. Then decide if you could have such a man back in your life. I'm asking myself... if I were looking for a partner, and someone described my recent ex to me, as in, how he's now acting, would I be hoping for a relationship with him - erm.... no! The more I realise this isn't the sort of person I would go for if I was looking for a new man, the more I realise, I should not take him back. OK, I might not even get that choice, but it still helps. So, I'm upset because I'm missing him and that's something you just have to go through, like grieving a loss, but I'm seeing how in the long term he's not good for me, so I'm not hassling him at all. I'm not sure how you can go about things, but this is what I'm doing, and it does help at times.

I can't see my partner returning anyway, as he just signed one yr contract on flat, but I know he wants to string me along as backup. It's not going to happen! But hassle them and all they do is tell everyone you're a psycho-bitch and distance themselves further, and then they're being sympathised with. Leave them alone and you often become the person they think of. Depends what you want really. I'm trying to tell myself that I really don't want my ex back. Emotions make it very difficult and I sometimes fail in that, but when busy and distracted it's easier to think more realistically. Is this the sort of man you would go for? Is this the sort of behaviour you would appreciate and respect in a future partner?

MY baby's been really sick all week, I've told him that - I've had to take time off work and will have to have more weeks off still, deal with it all myself, while he's off out, meeting fb women, spending loads of money. How irresponsible - I'm losing respect for him daily. Do you still respect and trust your partner after all this? I don't. A successful relationship requires trust and mutual respect.

But I do know what you're going through and you will miss him and the good things you had or thought you had. Last night I was crying tonight I'm ranting! But I can see that in time I'll be glad I didn't waste more time on the relationship. It's terrible feeling rejected, I feel it now. I'm sorry there's more out there feeling this way. I do hope you manage to feel better about it soon and find a positive way forward.

sorry you're going thru the same thing tnaat - horrid isn't it.

What you've siad makes perfect sense to me.. and I know you're right.

My daughter called paramedics on me last night, I had agonising chest pains, coudln't breathe, coild barely walk. So they plugged me into all kinds of thinigs and im fine and home now, just exhausted.

what a fantastic post, thenames

I am just sorry you are gaining that kind of empathy and wisdom by having to go through it

ftp, glad you are ok this morning

how scary for you...you really worked yourself up into a right old state. Am sorry now I went off to bed...but you know, it is perfectly understandable you felt so bad

you have been so brave and strong so far, then you let a little chink of your armour be exposed

you have got to be kinder to yourself

thenamesarealltaken so sorry to hear what you're going through You seem very wise and strong though. Your lo is a lucky baby to have you for a mum

ftp how worrying Hope you are ok now. Did the hospital have any idea what was wrong with you? Hope it wasn't stress? Don't beat yourself up about responding to the text. It doesn't show that you want him back imo - more a level of maturity. But he doesn't deserve such maturity and will just misinterpret it anyway. Stay strong hon