he's left me

[fallingtopieces]

namechanger here, lavenderrr, glass plates, red rug, judge flounce etc etc

my dp of 5 years left me today.
Things had been a bit iffy for 2-3 months, not communicating, taking each other for granted etc. I've not had much of a sex drive for a long time so that had kind of been crap too.. maybe once a month or so but I spent three weeks in hospital for an illness and now I have energy, am healthy, our sex life has been fantastic etc etc

About 3 weeks ago he was very down and told me he needed some time out alone to think things over and that he would stay at his parents. he never went and things would improve for a few days and then he'd get down and moody again. He was going to stay the odd night at his parents and seemed to come back rejuvenated from that.

On Monday, something made me look at his pc history and I saw he'd been looking at a woman on facebook a lot, a bit more digging and I discovered that rather than being at his parents he was staying nights with her.

I confrtonted him and he said that he had ended it with her and realised it was me he wanted all along and that we could fix things etc etc. I agreed to this because I can see that I have some responsibility for our problems too and I love him.

So this week has been difficult, I've been hurt and angry and he's been very sorry and reassured me that he loves me, even talked about our getting married and stuff like that.

then last night she sent him a long email saying she'd fallen for him and all kinds of stuff including that she knew they had no future because he kept talking and thinking about me, and since then he turned very hostile to me and is dragging up arguments and rows from years and years ago and trying to make it all my fault.

He went to work this morning still saying he loves me and wants us to work things out and then he came home and hour ago, packed a bag and left, saying that he's going to stay at his parents to think things ovre - that he needs time alone and won't be seeing her either and will call me from there to prove it, but I saw a message from him to her that he's going to meet her.

She works at the same place as him, although in a different building.

he said that if I make any kind of contact with him then I will never see or hear from again.

I don't know what to do now. My heart is thumping, I cant stop shaking, I feel sick and almost like someone's died.

I think it's difficult to say it to friends and family because it changes things slightly for you doesn't it? It makes it real, they will start offering advice (human nature, people want to help), there will be an expectation that you tell him to sod off and your friends will pull you through this, but if that's not what you want then it's very different. You start justifying why you want to stay, your pride takes a blow because he did this to you and there's the possibility that if you do make it through all of this then people close to you know about something intensely personal that happened to you in a relationship you are continuing.

I understand why it's hard but your good friends and family, the ones that know you and support you will support you regardless and however it pans out. They will not judge you.

And wanting to make your relationship work is not a weakness either, it takes courage and strength. And human beings are fallible and capable of repentence and change.

But that's it isn't it? If you've made the mistake you have to repent and show that you've changed. He has to offer to change. New job, new email, new mobile, new commitment to the relationship, new channels of communication. If he wants it, then you can ask this of him. It is not your job now to win him back or appease him or wait for him, your job is to look after yourself and be prepared to work together if that's what you both want.

Don't despair about work. You can find work if you want to work. It might even help you through this.

Well that's one small mercy - not having children with him. How have you been managing financially? has he been paying rent/mortgage?

Don't worry for now about the whole job thing. I had just taken redundancy when my xH disappeared. You will survive.

Do you children live near you and can they offer you a bit of support?

40 is bugger all btw. I am that your dcs are grown up! Mine is still in nappies and I'm 46! Once you get a grip on how shabbily he has treated you (and I agree with the others - let him sweat by NOT calling/texting him) - you might just find that life has some fantastic new opportunities for you to explore.

he's been paying for everything. im fuked financially now

i dont realy want to tell my children yet, dont want to tell anyone

my friend jsut rang me and she's going to come round tomorw afternoon

Go and see a solicitor or at least the CAB.

It'll make you feel stronger when facing the possibility of being on your own.

And I hate to sound like your mother but make sure you're eating and drinking. Even something small.

thank you

iv been having milky coffee, cant face food at all cos my stomach wont stop churning

och you poor thing. please don't think that i'm saying 'leave him, he's a bastard etc' just cos i'm saying draw a line. you still love him, that's fair enough. he's confused, you're confused, this is probably still salvageable If You Want It. but you need to draw a line and work out what your life should be like to make you happy, and if he's man enough for a starring role. but maybe for now and the next coupla days it's okay to lose yourself in wine and chocolate digestives... you're only human, it's a big shift, whatever the result turns out to be.

Im glad you have told someone. If you can distract yourself by even going for a bath try and do that. If typing away on here helps then carry on. This is now about what you NEED right now.

And 40 is nothing i have just turned 37 and my dh is almost 30.

And as to finances if your unable to work due to ill health then your eligible for disability living allowance and incapacity benefit from the social. And whether renting or mortgage they can and will help you. I know it feels like the end of the world but it really isnt. Over the next week you will find out these things and once you know where you are with finances it takes a huge load off. I was left with no money 5 kids and a mortgage. and i went into panic overdrive but it was talking on here that saved my sanity and even my home!

If you dont fancy eating make sure your drink has sugar in it so you dont end up weak and dizzy.

he's messing with my head.. he said it's not over and that he's hurting too and we'll talk in a couple of days - wonder if that means she's dumped him?

I did do something constructive.. the sitting room needs painting very badly so I went and got all the stuff to do it

I know you weren't aitch.. it's different with rl people tho isn't it?

I;m pretty sure it's fixable but it's going to take a lot of work and care on both our parts to achieve it.

heh.. im 40 and he's 28

i wil look into the beneifts thing tomororw, think i might go see my gp too for someething to settle my shakes and jitters and dodgy stomach :/

Okay, he needs a couple of days. That's fair I think. But those couple of days are about him sorting himself out. If he's spending them with the OW then that tells you everything you need to know. And once he makes that decision, when he tells you what he wants, then it's action stations. Not to-ing and fro-ing, flitting off needing space and being confused. If this is worth saving, then you will know pretty quickly from how much he invests in it.

What colour are you decorating? Are you doing it yourself? I LOVE decorating. If you're anywhere nearby I'll be round like a shot to help. Whether you like it or not actually.

He said he will call me when he gets to his parents from their landline to prove it... we'll see..

I just got magnolia, and then get some bright things to liven up the room that way. yes going to do it myself - for the very first time!!!

I'm in the south east .. would love some help cos I'm clueless

good for you. you make some changes, you can cope without him. make it Your Choice if you two get back together and Your Terms.

He didnt' ring from his parents last night so I'm guessing he's with her, but he was sending me texts most of the evening - nice huh?

In the end I sent him one saying that unless he ends everythign with her we have nothing to talk about and to think about the fact that she targetted him even tho she knew he was unavailable. That she's the sort of woman who enjoys the thrill of the chase, then once she catches her prey she gets bored and moves on to the next sap. He hasn't replied since but I know I planted a seed with that one

I'm so tempted to say something to her too, but I think it's pointless, she'd just make it so that she's a victim and I'm a big bad bully and turn him against me.

I listened to that beautiful south song and it fits so well with this situation doesn' tit?

I'm feeling a bit better today I think.. stomach still doing flip flops but I have minutes where i can think about other things.

got benefits forms coming in the post, seeing my gp later to see what support i can get from there and then I'll probably make a start on the painting

please keep posting cos it's you lot who are keeping me going at the moment.

all i'd say is that making her sound unnattractive (iykwim?) doesn't actually make you more attractive, it just makes her less so. i think you've got bigger fish to fry if you want this relationship to continue, more to deal with than seeing off this madam.

you need to be calm, and not engaging in crisis management. you're the one who needs to decide all this, and not just by chipping away at the other woman.

having said that, i agree it's tough not to crisis manage when you're in the middle of a crisis. but try...

You're right aitch.. I'm not going to say anymore to him about it but I know how he thinks and that one will hit home because he as good as said the same thing about her ;)

Just a waiting game now I suppose to see what he comes up with next, meanwhile I shall keep myself as occupied as possible.

I've got two party invitations this weekend, trying to decide if I feel up to attending or not.. in one way it will be good to be in a different environment but on the other hand I don't want to be a misery guts and bring everyone else down.

Will see how I feel later I think.

Thank you so much for taking the time to post - it's really really helping me

He is very good at saying the right thing, offering to prove things to you and then absolutely going back on it.

You're right to tell him that he ends it with her and cuts all contact. If he is unwilling to prove that he can do that, he's never going to change.

Why don't you phone his parents and ask to speak to him? Of course he'll get cross and say you're checking up on him but that says everything about him and nothing about you.

Get to your parties this weekend. Say you'll just go for an hour and see how you get on. Start planning your outfits now, just think about other stuff, positive things like wearing your favourite outfit and going out for a good time.

Wish I was in the SE, I'd be round like a shot to paint and eat chocolate biscuits with you.

he messaged me earlier, said that what I said about her made sense and he had noticed some things about her that didn't add up.

He says he'll do anything he can to make up for the horror that he's caused and he accepts that i'll need to be checking up on him and being suspicious for quite a while and he's willing to take that on.

He WAS with her last night but he's now left. She's at work so he hasn't told her yet, said he will call her in front of me and after that will have absolutely no further contact. He is with his friend now, who he got to call me to prove it and he will call me later either for us to meet for a drink (not sure if it's too soon for that or not) or to prove that he is at his parents house.

He said a lot of stuff about how much he loves me and wants to spend his life with me etc. I'm not going to get excited about it, will just wait and see how things pan out I think.

Right, off to sugar soap and sand my sitting room

Thank you everyone.. I'm so grateful for having you to turn to in this mess.

i'd want him to get a new job. i know it doesn't guarantee fidelity but i would want it.

Completely agree Aitch.. in fact he offered to do that when it all first came out the other day. Bummer tho cos it's an excellent job, great pay and benefits and in this climate he'll struggle to find another as good as that. On the other hand she's a temp so would be easy to replace.. his manager would probably agree to that, dunno really what's best.

Dont want to be the bearer of bad news and upset you but do you not think if he has done this once, he could do it again and it will just be someone else?

If someone can turn his head already, I would have serious trust issues for the longterm.

Ladyscratt, the basis for any relationship, romantic or otherwise, assumes that human beings are fallible. We make mistakes, we do the wrong thing, we choose the wrong option. I don't buy into the 'once a cheater, always a cheater' line at all. Because if you believe that true, then you have to extrapolate across to all human behaviours. You have to believe people are rigid and fixed, that we never change, that the environment and chance and circumstance don't inform who we are and what we do and that we don't have the capacity or strength to change ourselves. A serial cheater is a serial cheater, but atm fallingtopieces is with a man who has made a miserable, huge, sad mistake. Can he change? Of course he can? Will he do it again? Well, who knows? But he has it within himself to regain that trust and prove himself changed.

It's a hard thing to do, forgiving a partner for doing that, but it's not the wrong thing to do at all.