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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

he's left me

379 replies

fallingtopieces · 04/02/2010 13:04

namechanger here, lavenderrr, glass plates, red rug, judge flounce etc etc

my dp of 5 years left me today.
Things had been a bit iffy for 2-3 months, not communicating, taking each other for granted etc. I've not had much of a sex drive for a long time so that had kind of been crap too.. maybe once a month or so but I spent three weeks in hospital for an illness and now I have energy, am healthy, our sex life has been fantastic etc etc

About 3 weeks ago he was very down and told me he needed some time out alone to think things over and that he would stay at his parents. he never went and things would improve for a few days and then he'd get down and moody again. He was going to stay the odd night at his parents and seemed to come back rejuvenated from that.

On Monday, something made me look at his pc history and I saw he'd been looking at a woman on facebook a lot, a bit more digging and I discovered that rather than being at his parents he was staying nights with her.

I confrtonted him and he said that he had ended it with her and realised it was me he wanted all along and that we could fix things etc etc. I agreed to this because I can see that I have some responsibility for our problems too and I love him.

So this week has been difficult, I've been hurt and angry and he's been very sorry and reassured me that he loves me, even talked about our getting married and stuff like that.

then last night she sent him a long email saying she'd fallen for him and all kinds of stuff including that she knew they had no future because he kept talking and thinking about me, and since then he turned very hostile to me and is dragging up arguments and rows from years and years ago and trying to make it all my fault.

He went to work this morning still saying he loves me and wants us to work things out and then he came home and hour ago, packed a bag and left, saying that he's going to stay at his parents to think things ovre - that he needs time alone and won't be seeing her either and will call me from there to prove it, but I saw a message from him to her that he's going to meet her.

She works at the same place as him, although in a different building.

he said that if I make any kind of contact with him then I will never see or hear from again.

I don't know what to do now. My heart is thumping, I cant stop shaking, I feel sick and almost like someone's died.

OP posts:
Unlikelyamazonian · 13/02/2010 20:06

I'm with AF on this one.

If he kills himself I will eat my socks and pants and more socks

This is not in any way disrespecting anyone who feels bad enough. Have been there. Have no time for anyone who pretends it.

OP, for gods sake stop worrying about this skanky piece of shit

AnyFucker · 13/02/2010 20:12

yep, I will show my arse on the town hall steps if this self-centred ego-centric pathetic bloke harms himself

he wouldn't be that accomodating

Unlikelyamazonian · 13/02/2010 20:16

AF see you on the steps of Anytown.

StarExpat · 13/02/2010 20:30

AF I know what you mean. Sorry, that came from a very personal perspective, having dealt with someone who has threatened suicide.
You're all right though, he's with that friend. He can take care of it. And I also see what you're saying that he's so self centred that he probably won't do it.
and
realise
sorry

Original poster
fallingtopieces · 13/02/2010 20:32

it's all right, spoke to his friend and he's fine/

I've asked that he doesn't contact me ever again.

It's really over.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 13/02/2010 20:39

star, no need to apologise, love

some people have awful experience of people who have harmed themselves

my grandmother killed herself under the wheels of a train

she was hideously and untreatably depressed

this is not the situation here,,we are talking about a plonker who has had his card marked (well done ftp!!!!!!) and is now casting around for ways to worm himself back into the good books

my grandmother wasn't doing that...she was so ill she saw no other way out

this bloke sees his stupidity,,,but refuses to take responsibility...so tries again to dump it on someone else

star, it is ok...no need to

and ftp..you are wonderful, I did doubt you earlier

and will doubt you again probably as you will have wobbly moments...but you stay strong x

StarExpat · 13/02/2010 20:43

Well done, ftp.

AF - about your grandmother. How horrible.
I was mostly at the end of my post because of giving away my american-ness with my horrid spelling

AnyFucker · 13/02/2010 21:04

lol @ realize

I didn't even notice...

StarExpat · 13/02/2010 21:08

Now I shouldn't have said anything!

Original poster
fallingtopieces · 13/02/2010 21:33

god I feel so lost and sad now

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 13/02/2010 21:37

wassup, ftp

has something else happened ?

Original poster
fallingtopieces · 13/02/2010 21:44

no, nothing

Just feels really final now somehow

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 13/02/2010 21:48

lovey, like I said...wobbles

no-one would expect you to be ballsy and brave all the time

he is a shit, and shits get under the skin

'cos they can

just acknowledge that for what it is...grieving for something that cannot be

he has ruined it...not you

AnyFucker · 13/02/2010 22:14

you ok, ftp ?

Original poster
fallingtopieces · 13/02/2010 23:30

not really, not at the moment.

but I will be

OP posts:
elmofan · 14/02/2010 08:41

hi falling , hope you are OK this morning , just wanted to let you know were still here xx

Original poster
fallingtopieces · 14/02/2010 09:37

Hey elmofan

I'm ok. Just very very sad.

he's asked me to write a letter explaining what he means to me and how I see our relationship

He says he loves me but we want and need different things but he believes he will be back with me because we have a unique bond.

I haven't answered any of those messages he sent and I won't be rubbing his ego with a letter either.

OP posts:
ladylush · 14/02/2010 10:18

Hmm, sounds more personality disordered than bipolar imho. So lets get this straight.........he wants you to write him a letter stating what he means to you??? More than happy to write that letter on your behalf I wouldn't be surprised if this man has NPD.

ladylush · 14/02/2010 10:19

You want and need different things He wants to have his cake and eat it whereas you have scruples and values.

motherlovebone · 14/02/2010 10:22

you are so clued up!

he seems to transfer everything onto you.

you want and need different things?? stating the obvious there.

did you look at whenwillfeelnormals posting history?

there are examples of what needs to be done to rebuild relationships after something like this.
i dont know the kind of relationship you had, but how he has conducted himself in the fallout does not bode well for the future of it.

try to remind yourself that you are going through a process and you will get better with time.

elmofan · 14/02/2010 10:24

of course you will feel sad , you have been very badly treated by a man you were in a relationship with for 5 years , its almost like a grieving process iykwim , your spot on with ignoring all his feeble attempts of pulling on your heart strings , he is starting to realise he has blown it with not only you but the OW also .

Original poster
fallingtopieces · 14/02/2010 10:40

i haven't looked at her posting history yet but I will.

Our relationship was amazing, we were incredibly close, always touching, even if it was just little fingers or something. always seeking each other out when we were at parties or whatever. Our breathing would fall into the same pattern, we'd sleep tangled up together like a car crash, we'd miss each other after an hour apart. 30-40 emails n texts a day while he was at work, 5-6 phone calls, we talked about everything, said the same thing at the same time all the time, he'd ring me just as I was reaching for my phone and vice versa.

It was the best. That's what's making it so hard to accept, this is so out of character, such odd behaviour from him.

It is like grieving, cos that man is gone and no matter what, he can never be back.

OP posts:
ladylush · 14/02/2010 10:51

That is very sad ftp

Original poster
fallingtopieces · 14/02/2010 10:55

yep, we used to make people sick cos we were so close. people envied us and the way we were.

even last week when we were talking about ending things, we were in each others arms and holding hands. weird isn't it?

OP posts:
Karmann · 14/02/2010 16:55

Hi ftp. I know what you mean about the close relationship but unfortunately it doesn't seem to stop affairs. I had the same thing but it still didn't stop my OH being a prick.

I have just read an article that says "Statistics show that affairs are becoming increasingly common. Infidelity now affects 2 in 5 marriages. What's most revealing is that men don't have to be unhappy to do the dirty. The sad truth is that you can be a dutiful and glamourous and wife but your man may still stray. 60% of married men stray. Men enjoy familiarity but the drive to seek out new experiences is powerful."

I've cut it down a bit and ignore the fact it talks about married men because if you are living together it's still a committed relationship. I know you're struggling with how good it was so I hope this helps you to understand. x