he's left me

[fallingtopieces]

namechanger here, lavenderrr, glass plates, red rug, judge flounce etc etc

my dp of 5 years left me today.
Things had been a bit iffy for 2-3 months, not communicating, taking each other for granted etc. I've not had much of a sex drive for a long time so that had kind of been crap too.. maybe once a month or so but I spent three weeks in hospital for an illness and now I have energy, am healthy, our sex life has been fantastic etc etc

About 3 weeks ago he was very down and told me he needed some time out alone to think things over and that he would stay at his parents. he never went and things would improve for a few days and then he'd get down and moody again. He was going to stay the odd night at his parents and seemed to come back rejuvenated from that.

On Monday, something made me look at his pc history and I saw he'd been looking at a woman on facebook a lot, a bit more digging and I discovered that rather than being at his parents he was staying nights with her.

I confrtonted him and he said that he had ended it with her and realised it was me he wanted all along and that we could fix things etc etc. I agreed to this because I can see that I have some responsibility for our problems too and I love him.

So this week has been difficult, I've been hurt and angry and he's been very sorry and reassured me that he loves me, even talked about our getting married and stuff like that.

then last night she sent him a long email saying she'd fallen for him and all kinds of stuff including that she knew they had no future because he kept talking and thinking about me, and since then he turned very hostile to me and is dragging up arguments and rows from years and years ago and trying to make it all my fault.

He went to work this morning still saying he loves me and wants us to work things out and then he came home and hour ago, packed a bag and left, saying that he's going to stay at his parents to think things ovre - that he needs time alone and won't be seeing her either and will call me from there to prove it, but I saw a message from him to her that he's going to meet her.

She works at the same place as him, although in a different building.

he said that if I make any kind of contact with him then I will never see or hear from again.

I don't know what to do now. My heart is thumping, I cant stop shaking, I feel sick and almost like someone's died.

He's ended things with her and wants to come home.

I've seen the email in his sent folder and he's really done it.

Now what????

I think you know now what - NO!

unless you want him back, ftp, what he does is his own business (why are you reading his emails ??..)

would you take him back after this ?

I keep putting you on the spot here, and you don't answer my question

all this bravado, love, is not really fooling me and most of all, not fooling yourself and that is why you are making yourself ill over it

if you want to take him back, admit it to yourself and take it from there

if you don't, then stop engaging...you are still playing silly games (or at least allowing him to do so...)

I don't think you are clear on what you want, and haven't been since the beginning

sorry...now shout at me if you like

Classic symptoms of stress ftp. It's your body telling you to relax. You clearly can't continue in this vein and would feel so much better if you made a decision and took control back.

Easier said than done, but for your sanity, never mind your physical health, get rid of this total loser and get on with your life on your terms

He may have really ended it, but that doesn't mean it's the end of it. There's nothing to stop it starting up again. She only needs to make an offer he can't refuse and he'll be off round there like a weasel up a drainpipe (and if they don't mention it by email you won't even know). It needs to be a good more ended than one day before he's proved anything at all.

Oh, and I don't think you should feel bad for having offered to meet for a chat. Whatever wild hope you may have had in your mind, your actual response was reasonable. The fact that he backed off is just more proof that he is a total arse, that any olive branch is not a gesture of peace but another weapon to poke you with. I think you needed that to show yourself that he is just playing mind games, that ignoring him is not childish sulking on your part but necessary self-protection, because whenever you do answer like a rational human being he goes all thingy again. You're an adult with children and other responsibilities in real life, you can't be doing with this nonsense.

Had this been an affair in the first place that you found out about, and he ended it immediately, there would/could have been a chance of working it out, sitting down as adults and talking it through sensibly.

However, you need only to look at his behaviour towards you and his coming and going and his mind games to know that it is not recoverable. He has been playing with your mind, putting the onus on you to sort it out and taking no responsibility for his actions at all.

Maybe you are thinking you would be judged here if you did go back now - maybe not. At the end of the day it is your decision and only you can make it but I would urge you to re-read this post from start to finish, cut and past all the things he has said and done and read through the negative/cruel aspects of what he has said and done to you. Hopefully there you will find your answer and your strength. Best wishes.

You are all absolutely right.

We are going to meet tonight to talk. I will at least allow that much, a face to face conversation.

Depending on how that goes, I am willing to see him on a sort of dating basis for a while.

I think if I don't do this, I will always wonder, if that makes sense? This way I will finally know.

good luck, ftp x

Thanks AF.. I know i'm on a hiding to nothing but like a lemming I feel I can't resist.. stupid I know.

I don't know what to say to you, love

I too feel this was inevitable since day 1, but only because you can't see it any differently (and I saw it al the way through this thread, btw)

we can't tell you how you should act, we can't instill in you that sense of self-respect that won't tolerate this weak and selfish man

if you take him back, go in with your eyes wide open

you won't be able to trust him, he has crossed a line, and will find it even easier to cross next time

'cos there will be a next time

whatever you do, you have a listening ear on here...but don't expect people to tell you what you want to hear x

I know AF and I'm grateful to all of you.

I have a feeling it's not going to work out, even if he doesn't stray. We're not the same people anymore.

But I have to find out.

Good luck ftp. Think you will need it. Above all else please take care of yourself. Are you going to set limits with him? E.g. demand he makes himself transparent so that you can rebuild trust?

thanks LL

yes absolutely. Thats why I said we'll see how tonight goes. Unless he's willing to do it on my terms then it will be a no go.

He has no idea how much access to his stuff I have, and I intend to keep it that way, so I will know very quickly if he's lying to me and I absolutely will not tolerate it.

He has to leave his job, first and foremost, difficult in this climate but he should get another fairly easily.

We shall discuss all these things this evening and if there's a hint of disagreement then I'll be gone.

He's made a fool of me once, I won't allow it to happen again.

"I've seen the email in his sent folder and he's really done it."

he ended it by email?

is that enough?
how do you know for sure it isnt a set up?

and he sending other emails from some other address saying to her he keeping her on.... on the side.

he doesn't know I can see it.. it was his work email.

That's why I'm being cautious cest la vie, I will soon find out if he's lying because this time I know the signs and how to get the evidence. He doesn't even know that I know how to get it, so it wouldn't occur to him to hide if that makes sense?

best of luck with it.

be happy

Well..

It went ok.. we talked a lot. He was very honest, telling me stuff without me having to ask, a lot of detail about what's gone on and what's been going on in his head.

He kept saying he can't beleive what he did, or understand why but he's so so very sorry. I'm inclined to believe that part.

He told me quite a lot about OW, what he liked about her, what he liked about himself when with her, and the not so good parts too. Some of it was very hard to hear from my POV but it was educational and has given me a lot to think about.

He's desperately wants us back together, said he's willing to do anything necessary to achieve that.

I'm seeing him again on Sunday, so we'll see how things go.

I promise guys, I'm not going to jump headfirst back into him, just going to see if he really means what he says and proves himself worthy of me again.

He needs to try to understand why because if he doesn't know why he did it there is a high chance he could cheat again. Would he consider couples counselling?

I hope by it being educational and giving you a lot to think about you don't mean that you would change who you are? Not saying that's what you said at all... just making sure.

Sorry I've not been around, been finishing the decorating and assembling furniture, lol.

Went out with a friend last night who stayed over and spent the day today with me too.

by educational I meant the vibe I was giving off, partly caused by my being ill. I didn't look ill you see, was just tired and weak all the time, lethargic, not interested in anything, grumpy, moody too I suppose. I had malnutrition and dehydration. I tend to not ask for help and play things down, not just when I was ill but whenever there's been an issue in my life. He took that as me pushing him away, thought I didn't love him or need him or care about him. I thought I was avoiding burdening him with stuff he coudln't do anything about. so huge mixed signals there. I need to learn to be more willing to open up and say when I'm having a tough time rather than trying to get through it by myself. I learnt to be self reliant in my years as a single parent, and carried on in much the same vein when I met p, even though I didn't need to, he's the sort of man who wants to be protective and supportive and leaned on and I didn't let him.

Of course this in no way excuses what he did and he knows that. But by finally talking about it and getting the cards on the table, I think there's something to work with, given time.

The whole time I was with him on thursday, he showed me his phone every time there was a message or email on it, he promised not to contact ow and he hasn't done so, I've checked. She did sent him a text message when he was with me and he let me read it, he hasn't replied to it and then he deleted everything to do with her (photos etc) that he had on his phone.

He is looking for another job partly because he's been shit at it these last few weeks, unreliable, distracted etc and his manager is pissed off at him and also a lot of his colleagues now think of him as a 'player' and he doesn't like having that kind of rep. He also knows I would be uncomfortable about him still working in the same place as her, even tho they are in different buildings and doesn't want me to feel like that.

He has also given me all his passwords etc and said that I am free to check at any time. He has no idea that I already knew them and have sorted it so that even if he did change his pw, I would still be able to see everything

he checks in with me everywhere he goes, calls me to confirm he is where he says he is and so far is doing all the right things. He willingly answers my questions about her, even if they make him uncomfortable, he hasn't been defensive or angry as he was before.

He doesn't think he has bipolar now, more that the stress and guilt of the situation made him go a bit nutso for a while, but he does want to see a therapist anyway.

I'm hopeful, if things carry on the way they have been these last few days, that we can make it work, and maybe even be stronger than before. He seems like his old self. His eyes and voice have changed back to the way they used to be, if that makes sense?

We're having dinner together tomorrow, lots more talking to be done but I shall remain cautiously optimistic.

I can't thank all of you enough for getting me through one of the most horrific experiences of my life. If it's ok with all of you I will keep on posting as I do find your input immensely valuable and helps me to look at things in other ways.

I think I love you fabulous women

God, Fallingtopieces, I dont know if you are strong, brave or foolish to even consider taking him back after what he has put you through.

Of course he wont have anything against you checking up on him all the time, he has been dumped, so has no other girlfriend. Yet.

Just wait, till you are both comfortable again, and the trust has been rebuilt, seems it is going to be pretty easy to rebuild the trust, as you are so ready to accept him back and trust that he is suddenly telling the truth after so many lies. And then he knows in himself that he can do it again, because no matter WHAT he does, sweetalking WILL get him back with you.

What did the text from OW say when you read it? Did it give indication of them being over?

I have to completely agree with Quintessential on this one. You have let him back in far too easily imo. He now knows that the most he has to do when he finds his next bit on the side, is tell you how much he misses you and show you his phone a few times, for you to think he is a changed man yet again.

How sure are you that he doesn't have another phone? Or has not set up a new email address just for her to contact him on?

In my horrid experience, leopards don't change their spots, they just get better at camouflaging them.

The message did indicate that it was over, and that she was very hurt to have been dumped but she hoped he would change his mind in future and to contact her if he did.

I don't think he's set up another email because he uses his bb to check emails and it's awkward to check other accounts than the one the phone is registered to, if you see what I mean?

I'm not letting him back so easily, we're just going to see each other for 'dates' I suppose you could call them for a while and see how things go. He still has to prove himself and I will maintain vigilance. I know the signs now so I will be better prepared if it happens again. I just have this feeling of having to know for sure one way or the other if it's fixable or not but I'm a lot stronger now and will let him go if things don't feel right.

Maybe that's stupid, I don't know, but for now it feels like the right thing to do.

Do you not feel like you will spend most, if not all of your time together, looking out for the 'signs' again, and trying to catch him out?

I can understand the needing to know part of it all. I needed to know so badly that exDP would change when we split up when DD was 2 weeks old, but I just knew I'd be wasting more of my life waiting for the impossible. He had done it too many times before, and each time was getting better at lying to me, because he knew he could, regardless of whether I had caught him out before. He never will change, and as much as I wanted to be the one to change him - I finally figured out that me loving him wasn't enough to do that.

I hope everything that has happened has been a wake up call for him, and you to some degree. Wishing you nothing but happiness for the future

Maybe swbl, I don't know. But, if the signs are not there, and there's nothing to find, eventually that feeling would go away wouldn't it? Can trust be rebuilt?

I know it won't ever be the same again, but my thinking is that it has been 2 bad months out of five years, and if things work out well, potentially 30-40 years.