in pain, confused and can't see a way forwards.

[YouKnowNothingoftheCrunch]

I've posted about DH more times than a care to remember. But lately things were better. He has been depressed for nearly 3 years. I supported him, got him help and he turned on me.

He spent all of last year (while I was preg with DC3) blaming me for everything and basically making my life a living hell.

I kicked him out, then we worked on things, he changed meds and things got better (slowly).

He's still ill, but much better. He's worked throughout and has put a lot of time into rebuilding his relationship with the DCs.

I think I just want a bit of sympathy really. I don't have anyone to talk to in RL at the moment.

I had a minor op this week. He took me to hospital (no one else to do it and he wasn't keen on missing work but agreed) and was completely distant and cold even though he knew I was terrified. I challenged him on it and he said nothing. On the way home from hospital I told him how upset I was. Nothing.

In the evening I begged him to talk to me, even though I was tired, in pain and still woozy from the general anaesthetic.

Still nothing.

And now he's saying that comfort is a "two way street", that "if I don't ask for help he can't be expected to give it" (bearing in mind I begged him that first evening for him just to talk to me).

I'm on my own with 2DCs, the house is a tip, I'm still too ill to sort it and everything he promised to do is undone. I even had to clean things before I could give the DCs their breakfast.

I don't want to talk to him. I don't know how to get passed this.

If I'm honest I thought that if he could look after me this week it would make up for all the crap he put me through when I was pregnant. It would prove he was different and could be there for me when I needed him.

Sorry for the very self-indulgent post. Just feeling so sad and tired of it all.

When will it end?

YKNOFC - sorry it has come to this

We have "spoken" before about your DH and how similar he was to mine.

I know the horrible feeling when you have nothing left to give and just feel drained

Just want to give my support and say "chin up girl"

Hope you recover from your op soon

simpson, we have indeed good to "see" you!

I'm on the mend. It's just history repeating itself.

And I still get, "But what if this has snapped him out of it?" thoughts every 5 minutes or so. But that doesn't change what is here and now

Hi again - we have had our rough times and come through them and it is still a struggle. I am lucky that things are better for us now and I don't want to appear smug because it has worked out better for me, so far.

Depression can make people inward looking and can bring out certain pre-existing personality traits. The way depressed people act with their partners and the feelings this leaves the un-depressed partner with are detailed in Anne Sheffield's books and website and forums about "Depression Fallout" There are strategies to help protect yourself detailed there. Also the mantra of Melody Beattie's book "Co-dependent No More" is useful - you/I did not cause this, we cannot control this so we have to learn to live with it. That does not mean we have to accept it though. Everyone needs to have the limit of what they will accept. I genuinely hope you have reached that limit as you deserve better.

I cannot predict your future but I can promise you that you will have no peace if you cannot learn to withdraw a little and base your self worth on more than the survival/failure of this relationship. He cannot blame his anger and cruelty on anything other than his choice. Other people have challenges that make it hard for them to chose the right way to behave but we all make those choices daily. Your DP is insulting anyone who struggles to stay on the right side of that line by his continued abdication of his responsibilities.

Well I have been apart from my H since May (he has moved back to ireland) and he came over this weekend for our DD's 2nd birthday (but stayed at my mum's)

Last night (ie the last time he would see kids for at least 2mths) he was too busy fretting about where his mobile phone was to bother saying goodbye to DS (4) who was sobbing upstairs.

I just thought about H, you will never change

As before he was ill he was the best dad ever and was very hands on with DS, sadly he has never bonded with DD as he was ill by the time she was born

mollybob you really are rather good at this

I bought the Anne Sheffield book a while ago, and although it was good to know that I wasn't alone in having to deal with a lot of these things, I felt that its stress on (me) blaming the depression (in my particular situation) was going to mean he stopped trying to take any responsibility for things.

I had withdrawn until recently (which is also why I feel a bit of a fool) but we were rebuilding our relationship and dating and having such a fantastic time that I let myself get tied up again. And that (with the benefit of good-old-fashioned hindsight) was stupid given his history.

Oh simpson, x-post, I know you tried so hard to make it work with him. Your poor DS. That must have been heart breaking for you to have to watch. At least they have you as a stable force in their lives.

i think there does come a point where you know you can do know more iyswim and have to put yourself first.

Also if by some miracle he was better tomorrow, would you be able to forgive everything that he has done in the past??

That is what I struggled with and knew I would not be able to forget the horrid things said/done iyswim.

Very interesting what mollybob said about depression can make people inward looking and bring out pre-existing personality traits.

Stop blaming yourself YKNotC - you chose to trust and took a punt on him. So you're an optimist - what is wrong with that? I think it is possible that he was aware that you had let your guard down so he thought he didn't have to try so hard any more because he'd won you the back. The plonker never really got it, did he? He had to actually change the way he was otherwise it was meaningless. Better to find out now. I know what you mean about Anne Sheffield's stuff but there is some relevance in how his depression and behaviour towards you has shattered your self esteem and made you question yourself but ultimately it is actions, not words or diagnoses that determine what sort of man he is.

mollybob, do you know I hadn't even realised I was! D'oh. Must try harder

Yes the bit about how they affect you is very interesting. Especially how it says that those who live with a depressive have all of the symptoms without the illness. That's definitely true.

simpson, you know I think I could. I hadn't got that far yet. But we had got to a point where he would encourage me to talk about the things he had done and how they had made me feel and then he would listen and respond and comfort me. It was very positive.

I think Mollybob you're right about him feeling like he didn't have to try anymore because he'd got me. He is a plonker. And a numpty.

And I'm much better looking.

Well, maybe not, but I bloody should be!

Haha, Crunchy, you WILL be a goddess (and properly worshipped next time - you know, with actual help & genuine appreciation)

Today's the 1st February. On the 10th Feb last year, you wrote:
"I am now at the point where I would rather choose to be sad all the time than have him lift me momentarily and let me hope he is making the effort, before dropping me like a stone"

So that tosser decided to change his behaviour, all right - by altering the length of his cycle!

Do us all a favour. By the 10th Feb 2010, you should be queen of your own household, with nothing worse than the occasional crabby child to cope with on the moods front. So how about booking yourself a hair, nails & face appointment for a week on Wednesday? You may as well look like a goddess!
Bye bye, "Him Project" hello "Me Project"

Grace, I love it

I read that earlier and was a bit at how I was thinking exactly the same thing a year later!

I just texted a friend of mine who I rarely see, and she's going to drop everything and come and see me at the weekend. She lives about 5 hours away so I'm rather flattered. We're going to drink wine and bitch about men!

Now that gives me a genuine feeling of self-worth (at some point I will start to manufacture some for myself again, I promise).

And I plucked my eyebrows today, so I'm getting there

(Holds onto the fact that when his work mates met me they all said "How the hell did you get her to marry you?!")

dittany, I think the fact that it all came on so gradually (as it always does) made it easier to swallow. That's why this is such a shock to the system because it went from "fine" (even if it was an imaginary fine) to "crap" within 2 weeks.

And yes I am very responsible for trying to find something else to "blame" for all of this. I want it to be something outside of him that can be eradicated. I want it to go away.

But it's not going to.

Lol, that's exactly what my ex's mates said, too! We really should have paid attention ...

EXCELLENT news about your pal - and the wine - and the bitching!!

Dittany's really smart at this stuff, isn't she?

She is, just wish it would get through to my thoroughly stooooopid heart!

He's just got back from the GP, thanked me for making him go and said he'd told the GP how he was so low because I was leaving him.

I just said casually, "So you didn't bother to mention that you were already low? Fair enough. You can tell the GP whatever you want. It's not my responsibility."

Was that detached enough? For a first step at least?

Fabulous Goodness, he told the doctor everything's your fault? What a surprise.

well done on the detachment - he's proving our point for us

PS - the GP won't necessarily have believed a word of it - speaking as one - they/we have heard all manner of trumped up nonsense at times

Yup Grace Ooh, and you know the Iraq Enquiry? They can stop trying to blame Blair because that was me too. And I caused the Cold War. It was my fault Diana died... and Michael Jackson come to think of it.

I'm sure there are other things I've done.

And I am sincerely sorry. Really I am. It was ALL me. You name it.

On a serious note I have spoken to the DCs and told them he is moving out on Saturday. It went very well and they were very accepting of it. DS1 said he is much more brave this time. I told them this was happening so that what happened last year couldn't happen again.

Gonna be very annoying and badger them to talk to me about how they feel a lot over the next few weeks. I reckon I should get my fair share of, "Mu-u-um you're so embarrassing!"s

(and good to hear GPs are wise to this sort of thing )

Crunchy, are you still considering relationship counselling? Because I think the relevant question is not, can counselling work with someone who's depressedm but can counselling work with someone who's abusive?

And the answer to that is no. This guy isn't operating in good faith, he's just trying to work out what mask you want him to wear so he can keep in with you.

Good luck for Saturday. You sound very strong.

How are you today?

Thanks tortoise, I'm feeling pretty half-hearted about the counselling thing. If he only he could put a permanent mask in place that would bloody work! It's like dittany said a while back, why do the abusers not just keep being the "perfect husbands" they put so much time into pretending to be? It'd be a lot less energy on their part and they'd get a lot more positive attention!

Nifty, I'm emotionally ok, physically feeling quite ill. I think this is all taking its toll now. Would love to curl up in bed but there are 2 small DCs who are demanding attention.

Last night DH was trying again. But I was in a bit of a funny mood. He said that he was so sorry and really does accept that this is his doing and he'll go if he has to (but doesn't want to). And I just burst out laughing. I couldn't stop. It was just so funny. I pointed out that earlier he had blamed the way he was feeling on the fact I was leaving him and now nothing was my fault?! And I laughed and laughed and laughed. And every time he said something I laughed some more.

He didn't get angry at all, was just sad. Even laughed at himself for a bit.

But you're right about the masks tortoise

I wish you weren't, but you are.

But it really was very funny

[sick sense of humour emoticon]

You have to LOL otherwise you will go round the bend

tortise has a very good point
with the mask