in pain, confused and can't see a way forwards.

[YouKnowNothingoftheCrunch]

I've posted about DH more times than a care to remember. But lately things were better. He has been depressed for nearly 3 years. I supported him, got him help and he turned on me.

He spent all of last year (while I was preg with DC3) blaming me for everything and basically making my life a living hell.

I kicked him out, then we worked on things, he changed meds and things got better (slowly).

He's still ill, but much better. He's worked throughout and has put a lot of time into rebuilding his relationship with the DCs.

I think I just want a bit of sympathy really. I don't have anyone to talk to in RL at the moment.

I had a minor op this week. He took me to hospital (no one else to do it and he wasn't keen on missing work but agreed) and was completely distant and cold even though he knew I was terrified. I challenged him on it and he said nothing. On the way home from hospital I told him how upset I was. Nothing.

In the evening I begged him to talk to me, even though I was tired, in pain and still woozy from the general anaesthetic.

Still nothing.

And now he's saying that comfort is a "two way street", that "if I don't ask for help he can't be expected to give it" (bearing in mind I begged him that first evening for him just to talk to me).

I'm on my own with 2DCs, the house is a tip, I'm still too ill to sort it and everything he promised to do is undone. I even had to clean things before I could give the DCs their breakfast.

I don't want to talk to him. I don't know how to get passed this.

If I'm honest I thought that if he could look after me this week it would make up for all the crap he put me through when I was pregnant. It would prove he was different and could be there for me when I needed him.

Sorry for the very self-indulgent post. Just feeling so sad and tired of it all.

When will it end?

I do need to hold on to the fact that whatever happens in the future he has to move out this SAturday. I need to keep that in mind and accept it completely. And then I can just carry on with life until then. And live in a fantasy of maybe there could still be a happily ever after, whilst experiencing a bit of stability.

One step at a time.

And laughing is a hell of a lot easier than crying.

Youknow Fantastic that your friend is coming over for wine and bitching

Having been in a similar place to you, I just wonder at our capacity to just keep trying all the time.

I was thinking this morning about my own situation (which was a long time ago). I think we are conditioned to give people the benefit of the doubt rather than find them "guilty" IYSWIM of not being good. Society says that it's better that 1 guilty man goes free than 99 innocent men are jailed, blah, blah, blah.

You know what? There is only SO FAR backwards that we can bend for people. In the end, you get tied up in knots about everything. Not good. In my case, everything was blamed on his illness - but illness doesn't make you abusive and then when that's not enough, twist the knife....

I hope that you stay strong and just keep thinking about your DC's - the relief that you will all feel when he's not in your space all the time, will be immense..

Lemony, I can't wait

Just need to hold on until then.

Definitely agree that we are conditioned to give the benefit of the doubt, and most of the time that's the right thing to do. Everyone makes mistakes, everyone can be selfish, everyone hurts someone else sometimes. It's the repetition of action, knowing that action causes pain, that is the problem.

I would never threaten the DCs with a consequence and then not follow through. i need to hold onto the truth that he knew this was the consequence to this sort of behaviour, now I have to stick to it. He has given me no option.

I can't give him one more "last chance" when the last one was his last chance.

I am glad to see you looking so resolute, crunchy

Feeling pretty resolute AF. Just need to hold onto that now.

Just been talking to a mutual friend who agrees it sounds like it's not the depression doing this.

Crunch..

I have read much of your thread with a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach.

Some of the stuff your H says could almost have been said by my my own, word for word.

He left in July. And it is weird and tough and the roller coaster still runs but I am learning that I don't have to be on it. I managed to be 'detatched' for the first time this week when my counsellor said that in what is known as the 'drama triangle' (victim, persecutor, rescuer), you could step back and take the role of 'bystander'.

I had often said about him, 'how could he be so fabulous and yet be such a bastard?'
And he swings between the drama of 'what have I done to you?' and making me out to be unstable, bitter and being the cause of everything that has happened.

It is quiet now. And it takes some getting used to, not being on the roller coaster and thinking that was normal, getting back on it because just being OK felt so strange.

God, I get lonely sometimes Crunchy, and it is hard work but the mental relief of not second guessing, of wondering what mood we are in today, of living defensively, protecting the DC's, wondering if maybe I am unstable just sort of evaporated.

Your future can be yours to define, and he needs to make some serious choices about getting help that brings long term stability for you all, if that is where you want to be. If he can be, and stay the man that you loved so much.
Because life isn't really about lurching out of control around corners..

Sorry if that is rambling... you struck a chord and so many people reached out to give me the strength to get to a better place, I would gladly do the same if I could.

MW, what a good post

MW that brought tears to my eyes (in a good way). The way you describe him is exactly how I feel. The whole thing is exactly as you say it is.

Thank you so much for your honesty.

I don't know what to say. You have struck a chord with me too. Thank you.

MW gets it, that is clear.

Thanks.... AF and Crunchy.. There is always a bittersweetness to being OK because you never imagine having to go through the crap in the first place and having to fight to be that way.

But you do get there and learn some stuff about yourself along the way.

Sometimes it is silly practical stuff.. I had to dismantle the entire entertainment system to have some work done, and then reassemble it. And it all works!

I kind of punched the air and high fived myself. Daft but I was so overwhelmed by it.

However scary, sometimes things just won't change unless you do something about it.

I hope you will be OK Crunchy, somewhere along the line....

Thanks MW. Well done on the entertainment system

I was lucky enough to grow up in a house where it was my mum who was the DIY queen. I can plumb in a washing machine and fix basic mechanical faults better than I can sew

The hardest thing is that to get stability I am going to be giving up the bad and the good for "getting by" (at least in the short term). It's hard to give up having someone to hold at night or laugh at the TV with; that companionship.

[a ngry][ang ry][angry ][ angry][an gry][angr y]

Bloody man!

(Had to let it out)

How did the spaces appear when I pasted them all?

Spooky

What has happened???

It splits up "words" longer than Xty characters, which would otherwise make the page impossibly w i d e .
(Us web developers have our uses )

Wassup?

whats happened?

So sorry Crunchy.. you are obviously not OK... What's wrong?

Sorry everyone, didn't mean to worry you. He just managed to get through my layers of calm for a moment and it hurt.

(Thanks Grace, I need to know this kind of thing, I like the world to make sense - it'd be nice if my marriage had a similar explanation )

He was telling his mother what happened, he was incredibly upset so I went and sat with him and held his hand. Then listened to him telling her that I was chucking him out because he hadn't looked after me well enough on the day of my op.

Understandably she was angry with me for being so petty, and told him that he was lovely and nothing was his fault and that the problem all lies in my expectations.

I shouldn't have let him get to me.

I did my best not to react in front of him, I just got up and walked away (hence me venting on here). I know if I get angry around him then it feeds his belief that what he's doing is right.

On a positive note he is making lists of things to take. He hasn't actually packed anything yet, and he doesn't have anywhere to go (seeing some flats later on in the week) but it's a start. I think he's trying to shock me into realising he's actually going, but I'm just suggesting more things for the list. I know he's going.

Well done you for walking away ...
That was some vent! It must have helped!

Your bullshit-detector's getting better every day, isn't it? Deep breaths - you'll be able to talk to your MIL later, when there's an unaccustomed air of peace in your home.
xx

well done you for not reacting and just walking away!!

Cannot have been easy....

Ooh, I was fuming. It was like being kicked in the stomach. I just hope my relationship with MIL isn't permanently damaged for the sake of the DCs.

He's not a monster. I do not believe he is a monster. I think he is seriously messed up and that I cannot help him. I think that we all need space and time and stability.

We are all hurting, but time will heal it.

dittany, I know I gave him the opportunity. I'm not out the other side yet.

He is definitely going tomorrow. There is no discussion on that point. I no longer feel unsure on that point and he has stopped begging me to let him stay (although I expect him to start again tomorrow).

Last night he told me it was too hard to go against his feelings. I told him that I had no time for someone who could hurt his DCs because it was "too hard not to".

I'm not getting drawn into his dramas, but nor am I being cold and distant.

Not one person in RL has said I'm not doing the right thing.

Yesterday DS1 came to me and said he was worried that H was going to get worse before he goes "like last year". I promised him that the second he behaves aggressively at all he would be out the door. Having to promise DS such a thing to comfort him makes it so clear that letting him stay would be a mistake.

I'm feeling strong and determined. I don't mind packing the bags (at least I can make sure he's got everything he needs!).

All will be well.

You so ARE doing the right thing! The fact you've met with no opposition (apart from him & his 'feelings') is enough - to top it all, it's now clear your DC live with him because they're scared of what he'd do if he had to leave!?!

All will be well Have you got anybody (friend) coming over tomorrow?