in pain, confused and can't see a way forwards.

[YouKnowNothingoftheCrunch]

I've posted about DH more times than a care to remember. But lately things were better. He has been depressed for nearly 3 years. I supported him, got him help and he turned on me.

He spent all of last year (while I was preg with DC3) blaming me for everything and basically making my life a living hell.

I kicked him out, then we worked on things, he changed meds and things got better (slowly).

He's still ill, but much better. He's worked throughout and has put a lot of time into rebuilding his relationship with the DCs.

I think I just want a bit of sympathy really. I don't have anyone to talk to in RL at the moment.

I had a minor op this week. He took me to hospital (no one else to do it and he wasn't keen on missing work but agreed) and was completely distant and cold even though he knew I was terrified. I challenged him on it and he said nothing. On the way home from hospital I told him how upset I was. Nothing.

In the evening I begged him to talk to me, even though I was tired, in pain and still woozy from the general anaesthetic.

Still nothing.

And now he's saying that comfort is a "two way street", that "if I don't ask for help he can't be expected to give it" (bearing in mind I begged him that first evening for him just to talk to me).

I'm on my own with 2DCs, the house is a tip, I'm still too ill to sort it and everything he promised to do is undone. I even had to clean things before I could give the DCs their breakfast.

I don't want to talk to him. I don't know how to get passed this.

If I'm honest I thought that if he could look after me this week it would make up for all the crap he put me through when I was pregnant. It would prove he was different and could be there for me when I needed him.

Sorry for the very self-indulgent post. Just feeling so sad and tired of it all.

When will it end?

Friend is coming tomorrow, wine is ready and waiting (as is the takeaway menu ).
And to elaborate on the DCs they are not usually scared of him, it's only when he becomes low and erratic (and before this period he hadn't had any moments like this since October and that was a one off event - and I know that doesn't excuse it). Not making excuses, just clarifying. Although I'm fully aware that DS1 (in particular) has had to live always on the look out for H's dips. And that isn't fair on him. So hopefully this will be a new chapter in our lives.

stay strong crunchy, you are doing so well

Thanks Ladies, if I waver I'll be back for advice. If not I will check in on Sunday for a bit of MN back-patting.

This all seems a bit surreal.

good luck, will think of you

You can do it!!!!

You o.k?

How are you doing today???

Hi Simpson, Butterfly and Nifty I'm doing ok. So far no major eruptions.

Still feeling unsure, but getting surer by the minute. H hasn't done anything to change my mind (even though I have been actively looking for him to!).

Got a few days space just to get my head together before he next sees the DCs on Wednesday.

Not jumping in the air, but not sobbing in a corner either. Just putting one foot in front of the other for now.

Thanks everyone for your support.

Glad you are alright

Been thinking of you this weekend

Keep posting

x

Thanks Nifty, I'm feeling ok at the moment. Had a few moments of thinking I might be over-reacting, but he did nothing to prove that was true.

He signs up for a 6 months rental place today. Once that is done I will stop worrying about whether that's a good thing or not. It'll mean space for us both.

sending you strength and peace crunchy

Thanks AF.

A day seems like a long time at the moment. It'll get easier though. I'm sure.

crunch long time no speak. Have just read through your whole thread - sorry that it's all come crashing down around you again but I do think you're doing the right thing.

Do you remember the posts between us on the knicker checkers thread - you telling me my dh was an arse and possibly PA and me telling you the same about yours?

Well, proof that they don't change their spots - mine is still an arse and I had a thread recently where AF came on and gave me similar advice to that which you're getting.

I had a job interview last week and had asked dh to look after DS2 (3 months now!) so I could prep and to make time for me to sleep and find some brain cells.
He ended up going back to bed himself for 3 hours instead, and when I confronted him about needing time to prep he said I should have woken him.
So, like you I asked for support and like you, it was my fault that I didn't get any.

Am just telling you this to show that things don't change, not trying to hijack your thread.

Am so proud of you for telling him to go, stick to your guns.
Da iawn cariad, rwy't ti'n wych

scarlotti how could I forget you? Sorry you're having a tough time too. Bloody men! Dw i ddim yn deimlo'n wych ar hyn o bryd! (Although that did make me feel better).

Don't know how I would have got through the pregnancy without everyone on the knicker-checkers thread. When I had no support at home there was always someone there to make me smile.

Once he's signed the lease on the flat I will relax a little.

dittany, the Lundy book arrived on Friday (perfect timing), and yes, he is in there. I really thought it would prove it was all in my head, but it's explained a lot to me. Lundy says what all of you have said so often, if he's going to change it's going to come from him, I can't change him. It's helped me see this as a positive step in all respects.

Let's hope he gets the lease signed quickly then and you can relax then knowing you have some space on the horizon.

Who knew it would be so hard to keep my distance?

I have spent years thinking about his issues 24/7 and I have yet to stop.

His mother is supporting her poor mentally ill son and villifying me as the monster who threw him out when he needed me. H is feeding the idea and revelling in being told nothing is his fault. And then conversely blaming her for interfering and getting it all wrong. I know this through a third party.

There's no hope of his improving if he surrounds himself with "yes men" Looks like I'm going to have lots more to deal with in the near future.

Dcs are bickering more than usual - although they aleady were before he left. And DS1 texted his dad last night to let him know they were arguing and I was cross.

Yes, I know, stop obsessing about what he is doing!

One step at a time.

Crunch do you have anything else to fill your brain space other than the dc's and your h's issues? Are you able to distance yourself and not ask third parties what is going on?
Just because he blames you for this, doesn't make it your fault. Just because your mil is standing on her son's side doesn't mean you're in the wrong. Try and think through the angle of the person involved when you hear these things - he wants someone to tell him he's not in the wrong and she doesn't want to believe that her son is behaving so badly towards you.

You need to try and stop defining yourself by his issues and how he is or isn't coping with things. Start to define yourself my your own achievements and what you want out of life.

scarlotti, you're right. I know you're right. Unfortunately I don't have anything else to keep my mind occupied. Plenty of practical things that need doing, but nothing to keep my brain from poking at the problem.

The more space I have the more I'll have to think about other things.

Time will help.

About to go and get the DCs and feeling really sad.

I don't want any of this

Haven't cried since Saturday, I can't start now

dittany, oh yes. I read that bit with a sunken heart. Being ever the optimist I went straight to the "traits those who do change often posess" and there it was, "Family and Friends who make him face up to the consequences of his actions".

His father on the otherhand is taking the far more positive, "Why the hell would Crunch leave him because she's feeling a bit ill?!" and taking what he says with a pinch of salt. But he won't confront H on it.

Crunch I think it's going to take time for you to get to the point where you believe it's actually over and that he will never change, before you start to feel better. Sorry to say it. You seem to treat the absences as a chance to recharge your batteries and regroup for the next onslaught as it were.
Sounds to me like he won't change and you're right in that his mother is encouraging the behaviour. Shame his Dad won't confront him but there's nothing you can do about all that. All you can do is focus on you and what you want.
There is the train of thought that thinks act like a victim, get treated like a victim ... blunt and harsh, but probably true. I suspect your constant chances and wanting to help him are contributing to him continuing to be this way.

Am starting to wonder if I should buy that book too... my mil and dil sound very similar..