in pain, confused and can't see a way forwards.

[YouKnowNothingoftheCrunch]

I've posted about DH more times than a care to remember. But lately things were better. He has been depressed for nearly 3 years. I supported him, got him help and he turned on me.

He spent all of last year (while I was preg with DC3) blaming me for everything and basically making my life a living hell.

I kicked him out, then we worked on things, he changed meds and things got better (slowly).

He's still ill, but much better. He's worked throughout and has put a lot of time into rebuilding his relationship with the DCs.

I think I just want a bit of sympathy really. I don't have anyone to talk to in RL at the moment.

I had a minor op this week. He took me to hospital (no one else to do it and he wasn't keen on missing work but agreed) and was completely distant and cold even though he knew I was terrified. I challenged him on it and he said nothing. On the way home from hospital I told him how upset I was. Nothing.

In the evening I begged him to talk to me, even though I was tired, in pain and still woozy from the general anaesthetic.

Still nothing.

And now he's saying that comfort is a "two way street", that "if I don't ask for help he can't be expected to give it" (bearing in mind I begged him that first evening for him just to talk to me).

I'm on my own with 2DCs, the house is a tip, I'm still too ill to sort it and everything he promised to do is undone. I even had to clean things before I could give the DCs their breakfast.

I don't want to talk to him. I don't know how to get passed this.

If I'm honest I thought that if he could look after me this week it would make up for all the crap he put me through when I was pregnant. It would prove he was different and could be there for me when I needed him.

Sorry for the very self-indulgent post. Just feeling so sad and tired of it all.

When will it end?

very wise scarlotti

scarlotti there's no need for you to go and tell me the truth!

Yes you're right. I can't see this as over yet. Yes you're right if he puts in the work I would let him back (in 6 months time).

I won't take the "contributing to him continuing to be this way" because that would be to take some responsibility for the fact that he chooses to treat me like that. But I have given him the opportunity to continue to hurt me.

I don't believe we have no chance, but then last week I didn't believe he really had to move out... so the fact that I'm not ready to make that step yet doesn't mean I won't IYSWIM.

He didn't believe I'd make him go. Up to the last moment he thought I would ask him to stay. Whatever happens I have drawn a line in the sand. And I intend to stand by that.

Good for you for standing firm and it will take time, but you will get there one way or another.
My comment about "contributing to him continuing to be this way" meant exactly what you have then said, he is able to carry on hurting you as you have let him be there to do it. I didn't mean that you are in any way responsible as I don't think for one minute you are.
You are obviously not yet ready to let go of the man you fell in love with and married, and I really hope that he comes back to stay for you. Let's hope this 6 month gap gives him the almighty kick up the jacksee that he needs to turn things around.
Big hugs to you from me.

Oh, and feel free to head over to my marital strife threads and put me firmly in my place and spell out what's going on

I'm there

How are you today after Dh came around?

I'm ok. It was pretty formal. The DCs were pleased to see him, but after he'd dropped them back the boys were both quite anxious. He moves into his flat tonight so he's going to be round getting things.

Once it's all done and they've got somewhere to go I'm sure it'll settle down.

No major dramas at least.

How're you nifty?

Is he staying elsewhere at the moment until his flat comes through then? Glad it went ok, albeit a bit formal but I guess that it to be expected. Hope it settles down once he's in his flat and then the boys are a little more relaxed when they come home.

Yes, he's been staying with friends. I knew I had to be firm about the day he moved out. He was already putting off flat hunting and only started looking properly the Wednesday before he had to move out (so he was lucky to find one he could move into so quickly around here). On Saturday he tried the "can I stay until my flat is ready" but I knew I needed to stay firm this time. Have just been packing things up for him. I've definitely got enough for two households! I'm thinking of it as a clear out too, very therapeutic.

That's a good idea. I've been wondering how the reality of asking them to leave actually happens. Can't see my H just moving out when I finally buck up the courage to have the talk and am sure if I'm not firm then he'll want to stay.
Whenever anyone else has had problems his response has always been 'why should the husband move out' - even if they have dc's - so I don't think it will be a straightforward chain of events in the slightest.

Good for you packing things up, definitely therapeutic

Sounds tough. Whose house is it? I'm in a position where we both own it, so if he'd said no then I couldn't have made him leave. But then I would have had to go myself. And that means back to Wales. So he knew that that would mean it'd be harder to see the dcs. Although in fairness he never threatened not to move out so I never had to point that out to him.

So, he's gone. He's into his flat. It is a relief. We managed to have one final argument before he went (and I'm annoyed at myself for getting drawn in). This weekend he's having the DCs so I've no idea what I'm going to do with myself. I think I'll just get the house sorted for now (with some very loud music for company).

Joint house so will make it interesting.

Good luck this weekend, we're away so won't be around to post any support. Will be thinking of you. Sorting the house sounds like a good idea, with no dc's to take things back out of the rubbish pile!

I hope for the DCs sake that he doesn't make things worse by staying if he's been asked to go.

First thing on the list before the house clearing begins is:-

A long, hot, impossibly deep, bath, with an enormous glass of wine and many candles. I might add some chocolate for luck.

Hows the weekend going?

Hello Nifty.

It went ok. He was late for his visit and dropping off the DCs.

He bought me a huge bunch of flowers, bath stuff, and baked me a heart-shaped cake and made biscuits for valentine's day. But the fact that he was late took any pleasure out of it. So I thanked him, asked him not to be late again and shut the door.

He doesn't get it at all. I don't want presents I want respect.

On the plus side he has now set his mother straight (even using the words abuse) and she called me. It was a productive conversation, but she is under the impression that he is treating me so badly because he doesn't want to be married to me anymore or that his MH issues mean he can't control it. I pointed out that the fact he can control it in front of other people means it is under his control, and that he chooses to do it. But I didn't press the point. Just gently disagreed. It's good to know that she is supporting him, it alleviates any residual guilt I may feel for not doing it anymore.

At least she now knows that it is not me who is the cause of the problems. That should help all future contact between us for the DC's sake.

On the whole I'm ok. I feel a lot more energised than before. Things that used to seem an enormous drain are feeling easy.

On the negative, I'm not getting out enough and not seeing people much. Which is going to be bad for me in the long term. But I just want to hide away for a bit at the moment and get my home steady and sorted.

I may need a kick up the arse at a later date if that hasn't changed.

You do need to get out and meet up with others
For a change of conversation and a distraction

Glad Dh spoke up for you to his "Pauline Fowler" mother

Sorry just tuned in. Just a quick point to note. My mum was called Pauline Fowler, no joke - 2nd marriage. She was lovely.

Are you o.k?

I'm ok

devastated, that is an odd coincidence

Just getting through half term at the moment. DS2 has been a bit more aware that dad is gone, so we've been talking about him and his new flat a lot. He doesn't seem worried, but I'm aware it's a big change for him.

You really are doing well, Crunchy Even if you need a lake of hot baths + a mountain of chocolate, you're doing well. (I'd be far keener on Wales if it was like that, heh.) Extra pats on the back for not dramatising things around the DCs.

It's coming up to the right time for you to add some more "nice for you" stuff to your new family life. How did half-term go? Any new activities yet, either as a family or for your grown-up self?

I invited a new acquaintance round for too much wine the other evening. So that's a step forwards. It was nice to have some adult company.

Half term has been quiet and inactive (on the whole). Which I think was what we all needed, a bit of family time together.

I think I'm going to need to get into a routine of wrapping the DCs up and getting out of the house. It just takes so long with 3 of them that I can get put off at the idea of it, but if we had a regular "It's Tuesday so let's go down to the beach" thing, I think it'd be more managable.

Could do with a few more hot baths! By the time everything is done I just want to collapse into bed.

Bloody man. Bloody idiot me.

He invited me to his Birthday do. Promised to pick me up and that I could do what I wanted but said he really wanted me there.

I agreed. Got all dressed up. He didn't turn up. "Forgot" he was picking me up.

I got a lift with someone else (yes I'm a mug) he mostly blanked me all evening (oh, except when other men were paying me attention).

It wasn't about me getting back together with him, he made such a big deal about how much it meant to him to have me there [mug emoticon]

So. I've told him it is completely, totally, dead-to-me, over.

Time I started to believe it.

eww

crunchy, please stop giving him head space

your last sentence sums it up

I know AF. I know.

DS1 put it best, "What kind of a man has a party and forgets to bring his wife?!" he was really angry with his dad about it. And I know I'm not the one who did it, but I gave him the opportunity to hurt us.

yes you did

but you won't do it again, will you ?

No. I don't think I will.

I'm finding it easier not to think of him. I'm finding it easier to be angry with him instead of miss him.

One step forwards, two steps back.

But I'm still facing the right direction - away!