in pain, confused and can't see a way forwards.

[YouKnowNothingoftheCrunch]

I've posted about DH more times than a care to remember. But lately things were better. He has been depressed for nearly 3 years. I supported him, got him help and he turned on me.

He spent all of last year (while I was preg with DC3) blaming me for everything and basically making my life a living hell.

I kicked him out, then we worked on things, he changed meds and things got better (slowly).

He's still ill, but much better. He's worked throughout and has put a lot of time into rebuilding his relationship with the DCs.

I think I just want a bit of sympathy really. I don't have anyone to talk to in RL at the moment.

I had a minor op this week. He took me to hospital (no one else to do it and he wasn't keen on missing work but agreed) and was completely distant and cold even though he knew I was terrified. I challenged him on it and he said nothing. On the way home from hospital I told him how upset I was. Nothing.

In the evening I begged him to talk to me, even though I was tired, in pain and still woozy from the general anaesthetic.

Still nothing.

And now he's saying that comfort is a "two way street", that "if I don't ask for help he can't be expected to give it" (bearing in mind I begged him that first evening for him just to talk to me).

I'm on my own with 2DCs, the house is a tip, I'm still too ill to sort it and everything he promised to do is undone. I even had to clean things before I could give the DCs their breakfast.

I don't want to talk to him. I don't know how to get passed this.

If I'm honest I thought that if he could look after me this week it would make up for all the crap he put me through when I was pregnant. It would prove he was different and could be there for me when I needed him.

Sorry for the very self-indulgent post. Just feeling so sad and tired of it all.

When will it end?

That should bave read 2 steps forward and 1 step back Crunchy.

You are making progress and you are getting there

Doha thank you It feels like I keep slipping backwards at the moment, but I will try to be more positive!

dittany you are spot on about the overcompensation. He sent me a text 24 hours afterwards telling me he was sorry and had bought me a present! I replied along the lines of, "That sums it up really. I want to be treated with respect, you want to buy my love. This is never going to work"

I know he won't have heard it. He can't hear it. And I don't care.

I'm beginning to even wonder if it was a ploy to turn people there away from me (shared friends, which is why I wanted to go). Imagine how much sympathy he would have gotten if I hadn't turned up? "Crunch said she'd come but she didn't bother! Not even on my Birthday! See what I had to live with?". So I'm glad I went in a way. And the friend who gave me a lift was gobsmacked he would forget me.

Yes, you did the right thing. That doesn't make you a mug. It makes you a decent person. He said he really wanted you there so you made an effort to be there, and everyone saw that you had, and that he was behaving dreadfully. Anyway you're too nice not to have agonised over it if you hadn't gone. You'd probably have asked on here, "was I a horrible person not to have tried to get there under my own steam, knowing he's depressed and forgetful and that it meant a lot to him?" We'd have said no, of course you aren't horrible, he let you down, etc; but you would still have worried because you would not have known. Now you do know. So next time he claims it means a lot to him that you do so-and-so, you have hard evidence that it's just manipulation. A text 24 hours later indeed.

Hmm, if you're right that it was a ploy to show people you didn't care, no wonder he ignored you. You spoiled his little game!

Annie, that's a very generous way of looking at it I'm too nice rather than too thick

I may be being very unfair suspecting something that sneaky, but either way, none of it was about making me happy or showing me a good time, it was all about his desires being met.

My God but he is selfish

yes, it's all about him when you should be thinking about you

((((hugs))) youknow

I am so at your H
THEY never fucking learn do they???

Hi Nifty. Nope. No he doesn't learn.

I have to accept this and move on or I'm never going to have any stability.

Just wish it wasn't so damn hard.

There is no-one to blame BUT him
You gave him chance after chance and then he did this at the weekend
He blew it big time

Start thinking of you
You have a life to

Thanks Nifty.

Sorry, just need one moment of rant!

He doesn't see or call the DCs in a WEEK (because his social life came first and he missed one night of access), DS2 is desperate to talk to him and is so sad. So I tell him we can call dad anytime and that he loves and misses us too (). So DS calls, leaves a message, later on leaves another. Calls and calls and calls. And he's so sad (he's just turned 4). So we do nice things, but he still wants to talk to him. I text XH asking why he isn't answering because DS needs to talk to him and he sends one back saying, "What's the problem? I'm seeing them tomorrow"

He finally answers and DS talks to him and it makes him smile. But XH is busy with his mates (so that'll be why he didn't answer then) and DS1 overhears DS2 chatting about the music in the background. He asks me if dad is having another party. I say I don't know. DS1 says he doesn't want to talk to XH.

I had a brief rant at XH in the other room. How could he go from a really hands on dad, seeing them every day, playing with them, putting them to bed, to nothing without even thinking about the effect it will have on them.

Rant over. I know it's not the worst thing an XH could do. But it's enough. My DCs are hurting and he's adding to it

Hi there Youknow(crunchy!)and everyone who's posted and/or in a similar situation - READ THIS BOOK, IT REALLY HELPED ME: "Why Does He Do That? Inside the minds of angry and controlling men" by Lundy Bancroft.
I've just joined mumsnet, in part to see if there are people with whom I can share my experiences and thoughts about living with an abusive partner. Your posts tell me that in no way am I alone! In fact, I have only just discovered that it was an abusive relationship, and understanding this has helped me enormously, even though we broke up over a year ago. You seem to be really struggling to understand your XH's behaviour, so I really recommend this book. It has given me an incredible insight into WHY?, 'cos that's the question we are always asking isn't it? It blew my mind, answered so many of my questions and now Everything Has Started to Make Sense! Many of your posters (what's the term for people who reply to your post?) are right - it's not your fault, he is in control of himself and acting deliberately etc, and you seem to know this, but understanding it makes such a huge difference - at least it has for me. It has given me the confidence to begin to free myself from the tyranny of his "I'm the real victim here" attitude, which got me so tied up and tired out trying to work out how to please him, how not to upset him, how to speak to him so that This Time He'll Have To Hear Me. Congratulations, by the way, on turning him from DH into XH - a really hard move to make, especially if you've got kids. The book should help you keep him that way, help you avoid getting entangled in his crap, which he is obviously still trying to inflict on you and your children. Good luck, I sincerely hope you get well and back in control of your life!

Rant away, babes

And welcome, sonotcinders. The Lundy book is a massive help, isn't it? Glad you got your head straight!

((hug))
How dare your XH do this to you and now the kids
He wont always be your H but he will always be the kids DAD Have you drawn up a access thing for when he sees the kids what days etc etc? Because you need to and he needds to stick to it and also when he phones Feel so for your ds wanting to speak to him and he wasnt answering
YET again you are having to pick up the pieces `cos of XH

Thanks everyone. I'm feeling a lot calmer today. He'll always know that if he really wants to upset me he can do it through the DCs. I never thought he would be that kind of man /

sonotcinders I bought that book a couple of weeks ago (great minds...). It really is an eyeopener. I still find myself having to go and read and re-read it, just to remind myself that this is not normal! With a bit of time I start finding myself questioning whether or not it was actually "abuse" per-se. But everything he does is in there.

He is odd insofar as on the whole he is terrified of confrontation, which makes him the PA/sulky/distant type. He is definitely Lundy's "Demand man" in PA form.

Whether the term abuse is too harsh or not (and actually I don't think it is), the pain he has inflicted upon me because of his entirely selfish actions consistently for the past few years has been... well painful.

He is minimising everything now, denying things, finding reasons for him to be angry with me. It was even my fault he hadn't answered the phone (why didn't I text to say the DCs wanted to talk to him?), and hadn't listened to the voicemails they left him (you know I never notice I have voice mails). Oh and he couldn't call to talk to them (obviously my fault too) because he was too anxious about calling the house (because I might shout at him). FFS who's the adult here?

Talking to friends is helping. Mutual friends have noticed a difference in him and are surprised I've been as patient as I have.

He is working very hard on justifying his behaviour now to convince himself he's not "a bad guy". If he put half of that effort into thinking about the DCs and what they need then this would all be going a lot more smoothly.