Help ! - assistance needed from the most depraved mumsnetters

[Rightouttasmut]

Name changed due to embarrassment at imagination failure - I need to send texts of the utmost provocation and smut to dp, you know the kind of thing , instant erection material, and my filth reservoir has dried right up.

I bet there are some hugely talented dirt purveyors on MN ( I'm looking at you Malificence and SGB in particular ), please give me some ideas.

PS I'm not some wanking schoolboy - if you don't believe me, I'll talk you through my coil insertion.

talk away

why?

Don't get it all mixed up and text details of your coil insertion!

No, don't worry, paisleyleaf, he heard all about that at the time - well not at the time, that would have been bizarre, afterwards.

Sophable - why ? - because I said I would and I've used up my best lines already.

"assistance needed from the most depraved mumsnetters"

I was called and I came.

OK. Um. Have you had sex recently (i.e. within the last few hours)? I once texted DP from a library to tell him I'd had one of those semen refluxes (you know) and now my knickers were all wet. Seemed to like that.

What's his favourite thing? Tell him you're going to do it to him tonight (or whenever you next see him).

Tell him you're eating some kind of sexual food (lolly, banana, something phallic and lickable)

I'll have a think and get back to you.

Does he respond to female on female action? Perhaps you could mention you've seen the hottest woman on the bus / in the supermarket and ooooh it's got you thinking... Though of course he could be mistaken that your interested in laydees and if you're not remotely curious that could be embarrassing...

Why am I answering this? I don't think I've had sex in the past 6 months!

Do you ever double click your mouse? Could you text him what you thought about then?

Am happy to come up with some specific ideas if you like, but what sort of thing does he like?

would:

I just started thinking about the last time we fucked and now my nipples are all hard and my pussy is all wet

work for him or is that too vanilla?

Oh god am I depraved?

anything about what you want him to do with his massive cock should hit the spot

and tell him you are playing with yourself at the thought of it

Man here. Don't tell him about his massive cock unless his cock actually is massive. We may all want to have massive cocks, but we usually have enough self awareness to know when our cocks aren't massive, and to be told we do kind of seems like taking the piss. Lovely, hard, fantastic etc are all perfectly good adjectives. It's sexier if you don't actually lie. The rest all seems nice and racy though.

It's great to have a male perspective. What about enormous balls?

Major respect to bratnav

I was just thinking about you and I came! Right here!

Want to lick your [body part]

Eat some fruit, it makes your cum taste nice. I want a creamy dessert!

When you come home, I want you to bend me over and

... ahem. Haven't had sex for a hundred years, I think it's showing

Is enormous balls a good thing?

Grace, I'm confused. You were thinking about Bratnav and you came? Right there?

Good lord. It's only Monday.

grace, take a Kalms, for goodness' sake

[shocked]

Mud - a hundred years of celibacy does peculiar things to a woman's brain

You lot make me laugh.

You really do.

Say something about being wet.

I've just had a shower?

Yes! Say, I was hanging out the washing after I got your tea on and it started raining and now I'm all wet. I'll have to take my jumper off.

That'll get his engine racing. Phwoooaarrr.

pmsl

Im off to make myself a cup of horlicks, this thread has got me all a fluster.